CAMPUS REBUILDS AFTER NATURAL DISASTER DESTROYS PROPERTY, LIVES? by Simon M. Liebowitz
With Tropical Storm Fay having moved on to wreak its carnage on other parts of our poor country, the citizens of Kingdom are left to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives - at least, those that survived. While property damage both to the town in general and the campus in particular was staggering, it pales in comparison to the damage done to the collective spirit of our fair berg. Some lost all worldly possessions in the onslaught, while others suffered such emotional trauma that they still wake up screaming at the slightest bump in the night. Such repercussions cannot be measured through mere dollar signs or man hours spent on repairs.
While there has been no official report of any loss of life from the storm, we should not be too quick to count our blessings. Reports of a solitary - possibly suicidal - girl spotted out in the storm rolled in from concerned citizens in the midst of the storm, and no word has been heard from her since. Any information on the whereabouts of this mysterious young woman - or her body - should be reported immediately so that she may be identified, and her family notified. A minute of silence has been proposed in honour of this unfortunate lost child of Kingdom at 11 AM on Wednesday as an act of solidarity, and commemoration.
MYSTERIOUS ROOM CLOSURE OBFUSCATED BY UNIVERSITY ADMINISTRATION by Simon M. Liebowitz
As any with classes in Innovation C have now come to realize, the administration of Kingdom University have imposed an arbitrary closure of Room 356 with no warning or explanation. If they thought they could commit such random totalitarian acts without questions being asked, they were unfortunately wrong. This reporter brought it upon himself to bring the issue directly to the College of Mathematics and Sciences, where his inquiries were met with swift and decisive blockading. College officials outright refused to discuss the suspicious closure, and on one occasion went so far as to deny the existence of room 356 altogether.
What is the establishment trying to hide in this small corner of our campus? As students who live and learn on these grounds, we have as much right to know of such goings-on, to understand the reasons for such crippling interruptions in our schedules! Could this be due to horrible damages incurred during the storm, or is the truth behind the matter more... sinister? Exactly what research is being conducted within the hidden corners of Innovation C, that it would be masked from the public so ardently? Perhaps an experiment gone awry has had disastrous consequences, and the Powers That Be need some extra time to clean the embarrassing blood from the walls?
As usual any information on the matter is encouraged to be reported to the Scroll, with 100% anonymity guaranteed. Because if we don't ask the questions, who will?