daisy | ward.
How long were you away? It could have just been something to do with the way you were pulled in. Lorelei's draw was strong, instant, but dropped away the srcond her powers were neutralized. But I know the HYDRA brainwashing routine leaves a feeling of residual loyalty, even when you're in the midst of shaking it, until you've wiped it sufficiently from your mind. Maybe it was something like that.
But either way, you can't put this on yourself. Those hands, your hands, they might have enacted, but what was done was a product of what you were told to do, the strings that were being pulled.
And I know that doesn't stop the self-loathing, that it won't change the way that you'll run it over and over in your mind, trying to pinpoint just how much of it was the influence and how much of it was yourself. How you could have ever ended up in a position to be willing to burn the world down and kill everyone you cared about for the will of another. But please, believe me, as someone who's been there in multiple ways and needed to hear someone say this.
Whatever you did under the influence of another doesn’t dictate who or what you are. The person you are is the person who exists outside of those restraints, the one who right now knows what they did was wrong and wants to do whatever they can to make up for it.