Peter Parker had a crush on Gwen Stacy. I know. Not my truth but it is the truth. I've spent a lot of time pretending that I didn't know who Peter was. I knew him. He was skinny. He had glasses and an obsession with Spider-woman. He spent a lot of time sketching technical things. Stuff he dreamed up and had the capability to build that he dreamed about building for her. He was smart. He was sweet and kind. He spent a lot of time at our band practices but not because he liked the music or the rest of us. He liked Gwen. She was so wrapped up in her own problems she didn't notice it. She hardly noticed when Harry Osborn also had a crush on her but Glory was quick to point that one out. To encourage her to pursue a relationship with him. Maybe I should've encouraged her to spend more time looking at Peter. At making him feel special.
Hell, maybe I should've stepped out of MJ land and tried.
I like to pretend I'm extremely self absorbed. It's easier to live in your own little bubble where you're number one than to admit that you aren't. That other people matter. That other people can hurt you. I'm still not sure if I was jealous that so many people were falling for Gwen and her golden hair or maybe I was just angry that she only half paid attention to all of us. I understand why. Now I do. The superhero business is difficult. Keeping a secret like that takes a lot of effort. If she'd trusted us enough with it... maybe things would've been different. Maybe they wouldn't.
People back home blame Spider-woman for what happened to Peter. I'm sure that Gwen feels the weight of that. Maybe she blames herself too. It's easy to point the finger at the public figure. It wasn't her fault. It never was. It was all of us.
And, yes, writing this all down I'm thinking that I just spent a lot of time typing out shit no one really cares about. Implying that maybe I cared about Peter a little but never acted because I have a problem with men that dates back to my childhood. Implying that maybe I cared about Gwen but never said anything because she was oblivious to everything anyway and I have a problem with relationships in general. That's why I'm the way I am, after all. I'm afraid of letting myself be soft and gentle. I'm afraid of being walked all over and hurt. I'm afraid of what'll happen when I love someone. So it's better not to. It's better to make everything about me and be in control of everything because to trust someone else to do it... I'd rather be alone than to give someone the power to hurt me.