cornerofmadness (cornerofmadness) wrote in journeywest, @ 2007-12-31 00:32:00 |
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Current mood: | busy |
Current music: | Futurama |
Fic - Secrets in the Night
Secrets in the Night
Author - cornerofmadness
Disclaimer – not mine. All rights belong to Kazuya Minekura et al, no profit made, just a little fun
Rating – PG-13 (worksafe)
Pairings – Hakkai/Gojyo
Time Line/Spoilers – based in those months after the foursome meets up, before they journey West
Summary – A nightmare leads to the revelation of some ugly childhood memories.
Author’s Note – This was written for my holiday meme for lillypuff who wanted this pairing and angst. It was also written for my fic_variations Gojyo claim. The prompt used is ‘night.’ Thanks to evil_little_dog for the quickie beta
Hakkai dragged from his slumber, wondering what had awakened him. As reality flittered back to him, he remembered having recently taken to Gojyo’s bed. Being together like this was still new to them both, given that their desires usually ran more to the feminine, but the closeness they had forged during Hakkai’s convalescence from the terrible wound he had been sure would end his life, had led to something unexpected and unusual but powerful none the less.
After the loss of his precious sister, Hakkai had never thought he could find enough pieces of his heart to care about anyone. He had been wrong. Hakkai stroked the tips of his fingers over Gojyo’s scarred cheek as the young man mumbled more in his sleep. Hakkai felt very domestic between teaching Goku, helping Sanzo and keeping house with Gojyo. It felt very good, safe. However, the expression on Gojyo’s face as he slept peeled away that veil of protection.
Hakkai gently shook Gojyo’s shoulder. “Wake up, Gojyo,” he said softly.
Gojyo startled awake in spite of the gentleness. In the dim light of the moon filtering through the curtains, Hakkai cold see the confusion and fear in Gojyo’s crimson eyes, felt the tension in the man’s body.
“Sorry, but you seemed to be having a bad dream.”
Gojyo scrubbed a shaking hand over his face. “Damn, sorry. Was having a dream about…” Wary eyes cut towards Hakkai as if Gojyo was wondering how much to share. “Mom.”
Hakkai smoothed a hand down over Gojyo’s hair. It was starting to grow back – Gojyo was doing it just to annoy Sanzo, Hakkai had no doubt. It felt like red silk under Hakkai’s calloused fingers. “Want to tell me about it?”
Gojyo shook his head, something slippery and ashamed in his expression. “You don’t want to hear.”
“I do. You know I won’t judge,” Hakkai replied gently. He had told Gojyo his own most intimate secrets, ones many men would have condemned him for. Confession had been painful but Hakkai had made himself put his past out there so Gojyo would know exactly what sort of man he was. Sometimes, Hakkai wondered if he had sensed where he and Gojyo had been heading and had tried to stop it before it began, feeling the guilt and wanting it.
Gojyo took a deep breath and let his story spill out. Hakkai listened in horror as Gojyo told him the terrible things that woman had done to him and his brother. Even more chilling, Hakkai could hear Gojyo’s desire to make his stepmother love him no matter the horrendous things she had done to him, the deep hurt instilled in him. Her hatred had left its mark in Gojyo’s heart. Hakkai suddenly understood all the women, the meaningless liaisons and drunken idiocy. His own family interactions might have seemed sick to many but at least he had felt loved and safe with Kannan. The horrors in his family were the things Hakkai himself had done in revenge for his sister’s, his lover’s, death. At least he didn’t have to live with the hatred of someone he desperately wished loved him.
“Your mother is gone now,” Hakkai said, resting his hand on Gojyo’s arm. “You can let her shadow dissipate as well.”
Gojyo chuckled lowly. “Leave it to you to use those sorts of words.”
Hakkai assumed Gojyo meant the ‘big’ ones. Gojyo liked to pretend he was less intelligent than he was and Hakkai could now attribute that to the abuse the young man had suffered growing up.
“What really pisses me off is all the bad shit she put Jien through. What she did to him…that’s the kind of stuff that ruins a guy,” Gojyo said softly, looking at the curtained window, obviously uncomfortable. “He’s out there somewhere, I hope. I look for him but he could be dead. Hell, Jien could have killed himself for all I know. People who live through what we did…they do that sometimes, right?” Gojyo shifted so he could look at Hakkai.
Nodding, Hakkai traced the scars on Gojyo’s face again. “They do. Sometimes they get to a place where the pain is so much, death seems the only way out.” His hand strayed to his own enormous scar, still fairly fresh, red and puckered. He didn’t have to tell Gojyo he had wanted to die himself, hoping those battles would end his suffering. “My sister took that way and…it hurts more than I can say. I’ve never told anyone that, maybe it’s still too new and fresh. It’s hard to think that she’s gone and at her own hand. I would have done anything for her, no matter what that youkai had done, but she never even let me offer my support.” Hakkai decided to forgo mentioning the pregnancy, which would have resulted in a taboo child like Gojyo, unless Kannan had opted for terminating her pregnancy. A dagger-sharp thought of ‘why didn’t she think of that option over her own death’ flitted through his mind.
Gojyo slipped an arm around Hakkai’s waist. “I’m sorry.”
Hakkai smiled faintly. “Not your fault. Do you really think your brother would kill himself?”
Gojyo considered a moment. “Nah, Jien was always tough. Sometimes I think his killing Mom was a mercy killing, really. Her madness had gotten so bad that there was no joy in her life, nothing but pain and misery. After Dad was gone, something in her broke and having me around didn’t help. Then again without me, maybe Jien would have been her target. I dunno.” He cast another glance towards the window. “I’d rather think Jien’s out there somewhere.”
Hakkai nodded. “You’re probably right about that. Maybe one day you’ll find him again.”
Gojyo sighed. “I hope so. I mean, I know I was the unwanted bastard half-breed but my brother cared about me even if no one else did. I’d like to say thanks for him trying to shield me and all.” He nestled his cheek against Hakkai’s shoulder. “We’re both all kinds of fucked up, aren’t we?”
“I prefer to think about it as broken but healing,” Hakkai replied, resting his arm over Gojyo’s where it snaked around Hakkai’s waist.
“Yeah, that’s better,” Gojyo said, his words fuzzy as his eyes started to close.
Hakkai kissed him softly. “Go back to sleep, Gojyo. Better dreams this time.”
Gojyo tightened his grip. “For us both.”