InsaneJournal

Hand pressed against the splintered timber of the doorframe, Remus stared confusedly at the tattered toes of his shoes. He sighed deeply, as he was finally able to steady his breathing. His heart, however, continued to pound relentlessly against his fragile ribcage. As he listened to the steady rhythm, he realised it was a heartbeat he had not heard in many years. Indeed, it was a heartbeat he had long ago given up on hearing for the remainder of his paltry life on Earth: it was the unmistakable beat of love.

 

Yes, Remus had given up on love a long time ago. In the instant it took for the Ministry of Magic to cart Sirius off to Azkaban; in the instant it had taken him to perceive the gravity and horror of Sirius’ supposed deception his heart had closed.

 

Forever, he had assumed.

 

And then Sirius had kissed him.

 

“Sirius,” Remus whispered, savouring the formation of his former lover’s name on his lips; delighting in the breath of love as it rolled over his tongue. Remus smiled as the gates to his heart, to his very soul, began to creak wearily – helplessly – against the outside forces of love, unable to resist the small shard of a light Remus had believed – indeed, knew – he would never see again.

 

And yet…

 

In that instant – in the instant the curvature of a smile replaced Remus’ perpetual frown, the mask of one already defeated, in the instant the blue of his eyes sparkled with irrepressible hope, in the instant it took for the mere thought of Sirius to send his heart into frantic, desperate palpitations – Remus knew. He let his hand drop from the doorframe upon which it rested and, smoothing the fuzz of his threadbare jumper, he traipsed lightly down the hall: to Sirius.

 

Remus stood on the threshold of the lounge of his modest flat. Watching, he saw Sirius: sitting, huddled against the arm of the couch. Knees pressed tightly together, and holding himself by his elbows, he appeared smaller than Remus could have ever imagined.

 

Apprehending Remus’ presence, Sirius suddenly looked up from the patch of carpet that had, until that moment, seemed absolutely riveting.

“Remus,” He croaked nervously, “I – I’m…”

“Ssh,” Remus urged as he approached the couch. Sirius remained seated, gazing eagerly up into Remus’ eyes. Smiling gently, Remus extended a bony hand towards Sirius.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Remus asked as Sirius, from his still seated position, slipped his hand into Remus’ waiting grasp.

“Yes, Remus. I’m sure. I-I…want to feel whole again.” Sirius’ voice, usually so sure and so steady cracked and crumbled as he spoke. Tears welled up in his eyes, weathered and beaten, but not defeated by the long, torturous years. Stray droplets of saltwater cascaded over the sharp lines of Sirius’ cheekbones, before becoming lost in the misshapen and stubbly forest of his greying facial hair.

 

Remus opened his mouth to speak, to offer words of consolation, of comfort, but found that he had none: he had used them all. Instead, he leaned forward. As he did so, Sirius’ grip on his hand tightened and with one sudden motion he found himself sprawled across Sirius. Righting himself on the couch so that he was now seated next to and facing Sirius, Remus brushed the tip of his nose against Sirius’ before nuzzling against his damp cheek. Remus let his tongue slide over his lips as he licked at the glistening trail of Sirius’ tears.

“So do I, Sirius. So do I,” he whispered against Sirius’ cheek.

 

“Moony,” Sirius sighed, almost gratefully, as the motions of Remus’ tongue on increased: soon, Sirius’ cheek appeared glossy in the amber glow of lounge as the wall lamps illuminated a thin coating of Remus’ saliva.

 

“Remus,” Sirius sighed once more, “kiss me.” Momentarily pulling his mouth from Sirius’ cheek, Remus gazed into his former lover’s eyes: he could not escape the unmistakable pleading that inhabited his smouldering, charcoal irises, the same pleading that manifested itself in the quiver of Sirius’ voice.

 

Remus complied with Sirius’ request: he pressed his lips to Sirius’, sliding his tongue past his teeth and lips into Sirius’ mouth. Sirius’ breath caught in his throat before he involuntarily and sharply expelled it into Remus’ open mouth. The two kissed passionately, fiercely, as though hoping to recapture the innumerable lost kisses of the preceding twelve years. Faces flushed and breathing heavily, their mouths parted. They stared at one another, foreheads pressed together and panting, lungs gasping for breath.

 

“We’re not as young as we once were, Padfoot,” Remus whispered. He raised a hand to Sirius’ face and trailed the back of his hand and his fingers across the skin, tracing over Sirius’ lips and chin.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” Sirius replied, mirroring Remus’ hand motions.

“Sirius,” Remus breathed as he desperately pulled Sirius’ face and lips and tongue to once more meet his own.

 

As they kissed, Sirius slipped his thin fingers under the worn fabric of Remus’ jumper. His fingertips were bitterly cold against the heat of Remus’ abdomen: Remus gasped lightly as Sirius pressed his cool fingers against his flesh. Sirius’ fingers traversed the topography of Remus’ torso, plucking gently at Remus’ sparse, greying chest hair. Remus could not suppress a moan of delight as the familiarity of Sirius’ fingertips caressed his flesh.

 

As time passed their kisses evolved from desperate and frantic, almost as though they were stealing them from under the watchful eye of some higher power, to long, languorous movements as Remus and Sirius savoured the taste of one another once more. Entangled on the couch, Remus positioned his body both above and to the side of Sirius’, with his back pressed against the prickly fabric of the furniture.

 

Extricating his lips from Sirius’, Remus pulled back slightly. Startled by the sudden parting of their mouths, Sirius opened his eyes suddenly, his bottom lip turned down and helpless, longing for the recent warmth to which it was now becoming accustomed.

 

“Moony, what’re you…” he gasped, running his hands along Remus’ back and neck, grasping at what few folds of flesh that remained on Remus’ slender frame.

“Ssh,” Remus breathed once more, “I need, I need just a…a moment.” He gazed intently at Sirius, roving over the contours of his face, feasting on the glow of hope that illuminated the escaped prisoner’s eyes.

“Whole again,” Remus mouthed Sirius’ words back to his eager lips as he leaned in for what he hoped would be one of many kisses in a future that now appeared so bright.

 

Sirius’ hands resumed their movement beneath Remus’ jumper as Remus’ fingers began to play across Sirius’ chest. Pressing the heel of his palm forcefully against Sirius’ sternum as they writhed together on the couch, Remus dragged his hand over Sirius’ heaving stomach and slipped his fingers below the loose and too-large waist of his partner’s trousers. Sirius gasped delightedly as Remus massaged his cock through the thin fabric of his underpants.

 

Aware of Sirius’ increasing arousal, Remus too began to feel a familiar stirring in his groin: blood rushing to the head of his cock, Remus ground himself against Sirius’ thigh. As the intensity of their movements increased, each gazed intently into the eyes of the other, hungry for the glimmer of desire – and the spark of love - that they had invoked in the heart of the other man: the other half to their whole.

 

As he lay, thrusting, and awkwardly straddled over Sirius’ thigh, Remus grasped at the elastic of Sirius’ pants and slid them over his hips, exposing his erection. Mouth agape as he swallowed lungfuls of air, a strand of saliva escaped Remus mouth: slipping over the terrain of Remus’ bottom lip before becoming lost in the forest of Sirius’ pubic hair where it landed.

 

Rubbing himself slowly against Sirius’ leg, Remus tilted his head towards Sirius groin. He slowly – hesitantly – extended his tongue past his lips before resting the tip of Sirius’ inner thigh. With long, slow movements, Remus lapped at the tender flesh, savouring the radiating heat on his tongue.

 

Absorbed by the texture of Sirius’ skin, of his scent, of his dark, tangled bush, Remus failed to notice Sirius’ increasingly sporadic moans. His thoughts consumed by the sensual attributes of Sirius’ body, Remus trailed his tongue along his thigh, until his mouth was positioned precariously close to the swollen head of Sirius’ cock.

 

 He looked up from between Sirius’ legs. Wetting his lips with his tongue, Remus and Sirius locked eyes, each alive with hope.

“Remus,” Sirius mouthed slowly as he buried a hand in the lycanthrope’s grey-flecked, copper-toned hair. Parting his lips, Remus exhaled deeply: his warm breath met the sensitive tip of Sirius’ cock, and he began to thrust hopelessly against the empty air.

 

Remus attempted to steady the bucking of Sirius’ hips, to take Sirius into his mouth, to envelop him in the warmth of his lips and tongue, to taste him, but it was an exercise in futility. Instead, Sirius clawed at Remus back and shoulders, pressing him to his own body against which he thrust fiercely, as any and all semblance of control was devoured by the pleasure of friction.

 

Groaning and gripping both Remus and the sides of the couch, Sirius lifted his hips and ground his pelvis against Remus’ chest. Shuddering, he came, semen spilling unceremoniously from the head of his cock, onto his own stomach and Remus’ torso.

 

As the tension in Sirius’ muscles dissipated, his form became limp and languid under Remus’ weight. Remus raised himself up from the prostrate Sirius, surveying the sticky, sweaty mess that joined them.

“I-I’m sorry, Moony,” Sirius stammered, blushing.

“Hey,” Remus said softly, as he stroked rogue strands of Sirius’ hair from his lined forehead, “It’s OK.”

“But we…I…so much for whole again,” Sirius sighed deeply, sadly.

“It’s OK, Sirius: we’ll get there.”

 

With those words, Remus nestled gently against Sirius’ neck, and the faint spark of hope that had been ignited in Remus heart – in his soul – burst into flame.

 

And he realised he had been a fool to think he would never love again.

 

After all, he loved still.