InsaneJournal

Sirius couldn’t remember when it first started: the feelings, the uncertainty. Perhaps, he thought to himself as he tossed and turned in his bed, the sheets and covers twisting and tangling around his long legs, perhaps they had always been there: the feelings; the confusion. Or, at least, they’d been there for as long as he had known Remus.

 

Remus. Sirius smiled in the dark. His face, barely a moment ago consumed by tension, softened. The anxiety melted from his muscles, slipping silently over his pillows and into the night.

Remus, he thought again, as his lithe fingers grazed his belly. Sirius’ cock pulsed beneath the sheets and he swallowed, hard. Closing his eyes, Sirius tenderly grasped his stiffening prick…

 

Sirius arched his back, thrusting into his clenched fist as his fingers determinedly wrung the semen from his erection. He groaned deeply, his mouth agape. His lashes fluttered sporadically against his cheekbones. His eyes rolled sharply, suddenly, and almost painfully, with the sheer force of his orgasm.

“Remus,” Sirius growled, his strangled muttering seeming to emanate from deep within his very being.

And as he realised the name that had spilled forth from his mouth, Sirius immediately wished that it hadn’t.

 

***

 

The Great Hall bustled as the students of Hogwarts gathered for their morning meal. The legs of the wooden benches screeched uncomfortably against the floor as young witches and wizards moved, rising and falling at their house tables. Sirius tried to abandon the thoughts that had been plaguing him since waking: as he entered the Great Hall he surrendered his senses to the sounds and smells of a Hogwarts morning, before seating himself beside James, and across from Peter and Remus at the Gryffindor table.

 

“So,” James said cheerfully by way of a morning greeting, “Who were you thinking about last night, Padfoot?” He raised a cheeky eyebrow as he waited for Sirius’ response.

Sirius’ eyes widened fearfully as he gazed down at his breakfast.

“I don’t know what you’re on about, Prongs,” Sirius replied in what he prayed was a tone of suitably aloof ignorance.

“Come on, Padfoot, we all heard you,” James prodded, “Ohh, yes, nngh…” he continued as his face contorted comically, “The only thing we didn’t hear was a name,” James concluded playfully poking Sirius in the chest.

Sirius could feel the colour – the shame – rise in his cheeks.

‘Sod off, Potter,” he snarled suddenly, unable to conceal his humiliation. Rising from his seat, Sirius let his spoon clatter noisily into his cereal bowl, droplets of milk splashing on the table’s timber surface.

“What in Merlin’s name is his problem?” James confusedly asked Remus across the table, as the sound of Sirius’ heavy footsteps joined in the chorus of the Great Hall’s morning song.

“I dunno,” Remus muttered quietly, as he shrugged his bony shoulders.

Except that he did know: he had heard everything.

 

***

 

“This has got to stop!” Sirius hissed under his breath as he stormed through the Hogwarts corridors.

“He’s my best mate, for Chrissakes! It’s got to stop, it’s just got to…”

“What’s got to stop?” a light and mellow voice asked, interrupting Sirius’ frustrated ramblings. Sirius pivoted on his heel, the rubber sole of his shoe squeaking loudly as he did so. His eyes fell upon a girl. Older. A Hufflepuff, maybe? Sirius didn’t know. And, as his ashen eyes scanned her form, he realised he didn’t care. A girl – that was the important thing right now: soft, rounded curves and pouty lips. Long eyelashes and thick tresses of golden hair falling about her shoulders: a girl.

 

“Hmm?” Sirius finally replied.

“What’s got to stop, Sirius?” the girl repeated, her blue eyes examining Sirius’ face.

“Siri – you know my name?” Sirius asked, taken aback by the girl’s apparent familiarity.

“Of course I do,” the girl answered, blushing slightly. She tentatively approached Sirius, “Everyone does – you’re Sirius Black.”

Sirius blinked as the girl continued to gaze at him.

“So what is it that’s got to stop?” the girl tried again. This time, Sirius answered.

“This,” he replied, gesturing to the girl who was now standing barely inches from him, “Us not knowing each other,” Sirius continued as he flashed the girl what he hoped was a charming smile.

Evidently, it was: she giggled and blushed and looked up into Sirius’ face through her long eyelashes.

 

Determined to rid himself of his current worries, Sirius stepped closer: the girl’s breasts brushed against his chest.

“So, what do you say we get to know each other a little better?” Sirius said as he placed his hand at the small of the girl’s back, drawing her hips hard against his.

The girl remained silent for a moment, smiling. She pressed her palm against Sirius’ chest as she spoke: “What did you have in mind?”

 

Sirius grabbed the girl by the hand and walked purposefully down the corridor with his companion in tow. She shuffled along behind him, struggling to keep up with his long strides. Sirius pushed through the door of the nearest bathroom. As soon as the two of them were safely concealed within a cubicle Sirius pulled the girl forcefully to him, their lips and tongues clashing. Sirius tightly closed his eyes as they kissed; as he ran his hands over her breasts and stomach; as he reached up under her skirt. He fingered her cunt, playing with her clit. The girl moaned. She wasn’t wet, but she was wet enough. Sirius unclasped his trousers and let them fall to his ankles. He thrust hard into the girl. She groaned – first in pleasure, and then in pain, as Sirius continued to buck harder and harder.

 

“Sirius, what are you…” the girl tried to speak as Sirius fucked her, his cock sliding in and out with considerable effort.

“Shut up!” Sirius hissed clamping a hand over her mouth. He closed his eyes again. He didn’t want this – he didn’t want her, with her breasts and her lips and her painted face. He wanted Remus: all bone and skin and scars; fragility and fire.

Sirius’ insides ached as he climaxed. Withdrawing his softening cock, Sirius collapsed against the cubicle wall. The girl, Sirius’ come dripping down the lips of her cunt and her inner thigh, hastily exited the bathroom, shame and disbelief marked indelibly on her pretty features. Sirius slumped to his knees. His stomach turned. He wrapped his arms around the toilet and vomited, toilet water and what little breakfast he had managed to consume sloshing around the porcelain bowl.

 

***

 

Ashamed and sickened, Sirius returned to Gryffindor Tower. His abdominal muscles quivered and his legs, usually so steady and so sure, trembled beneath his weight. Sirius shuffled to his bed. Collapsing against the plush comfort of the mattress, he kicked off his shoes and crawled into bed. For a long time, Sirius just lay there, his body wracked by sobs of guilt and fear.

 

***

 

Sirius didn’t know how long he had been hiding in the dormitory, but his tears had dried and left meandering salty trails across his olive-skinned cheeks when he heard footsteps ascending the stairs. Sirius drew the curtains around his bed and pulled the covers up around his chin.

“Sirius?” the voice enquired anxiously, “Sirius, are you here?”

Remus.

Sirius remained silent and listened to Remus call his name once, twice or maybe more. Sirius wanted to say something, to let Remus know that he was there but he just…

“Sirius!” Remus exclaimed as he opened the curtains, exposing Sirius’ crumpled form to the afternoon sunlight, “There you are! Goodness, Padfoot, we were getting worried about you, but you know what James is like and…” Remus stopped mid-sentence as he looked down at Sirius’ face.

“Sirius, are you alright? Sirius?” Remus asked.

Sirius did not reply. He stared at Remus: at his worried eyes, at his thin, pink lips, at the hand that was now, ever-so-gently-brushing rogue strands of thick black hair from Sirius’ eyes.

“Sirius?” Remus persisted, cupping his friend’s face in his small hand. The concern in his eyes was more than Sirius could bear: after what he had done, for Remus to be there, for Remus to just be –

 

Sirius cried. He let the tears fall from his puffy, bloodshot eyes and over his reddening face. And as he did, Remus slipped into the bed, wrapping his arms around Sirius’ aching body.

“Ssh, it’ll be alright Sirius,” Remus implored soothingly as he stroked Sirius’ hair, “It’ll be alright.”

 

Sirius didn’t know if it would. But he knew that with Remus there, it could only be better.