Nowhere Island Network

Where, on this fucking island, can I get a drink?

No one can tell my sister this, but our sister Caitlen and her boyfriend are missing. I went by the house and it's destroyed from the storm and no one is there. It doesn't look like they have been there in a while. Has anyone seen or heard from Caitlen Christienson or Charles d'Artagnan?

I am trying to stay calm because if I lose my emotions it won't end well....it's really hard to stay calm.

Where. The. Fuck. Am. I?

And why did am I getting fucking soaked? And almost hit by a tree?