|the funniest man in the room (man_who_laughs) wrote in inspiredmuses,|
@ 2009-02-18 10:33:00
1.3 - There's no place like home
1.3 - "There's no place like home."
Three nights ago, Police Commissioner James Gordon came home at 10:38 PM, after putting in an almost fourteen-hour day at headquarters. He did his best to be quiet as he entered the two-bedroom apartment through the alley-facing door, but dropped his key ring directly on his foot. Gordon's toddler daughter, Barbara, turned over in the bed next to her parents', but didn't wake.
Inside the apartment, a green sticky note was on the microwave oven. It said "PORK CHOPS - 3 MINUTES. BEER IN FRIDGE. LOVE, BARBARA." That would be his wife, also named Barbara. Gordon set down his wallet, badge and gun on the dining table, started nuking his food and slipped off his shoes to walk through the rest of the place.
In the smaller bedroom, Gordon's son, James, Jr. or "Jimmy" was sound asleep in his Bugs Bunny pajamas. And seriously, how unimaginative are these parents? In the master, both Barbaras were also out like a light.
Gordon sat down to his rubbery microwaved pork chops, washed it down with a light beer, drank a second one in front of SportsCenter, then turned in at 11:23 PM.
Two nights ago, millionaire... sorry, billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne spent most of the evening in the company of half the models from the Versace spring collection show. In the meantime, his butler, Alfred Pennyworth, spent most of his time cataloguing the last few pieces salvaged from the unfortunate fire that had almost completely destroyed Wayne Manor a couple of years ago.
Wayne returned home at 3:17 AM, with a model on each arm, one brunette and one redhead. According to their conversation after Wayne waved off his butler's offer of a late-night snack for Wayne and his guests, they had left the blonde at the bar because she had passed out.
The trio went up to one of the dozen bedrooms-- of special note is that it was not the bedroom that is really Wayne's own-- and proceeded to have sex for the next seventy-four minutes. They engaged in eight separate positions, including two where Wayne was only watching. Wayne wore a condom.
At this point, Wayne's security system detected an intrusion into its closed-circuit camera network, and closed down the compromised port.
Last night, Mayor Anthony Garcia attended his twenty-fifth high school reunion with his wife Laurena. The couple left the mayor's mansion at 7:41 PM. While they were gone, a cleaning crew of four individuals, one of whom is an illegal alien, performed typical janitorial and maid duties to the lower floor, mostly consisting of formal spaces, the kitchen and offices. According to the cleaning service's schedule, they will do the upper floor where the bedrooms and more private spaces are located, tonight.
Other staff in the mansion during the mayor's absence include the security camera monitor, who spent half of his time asleep and the other half surfing the internet for porn (www.bangbus.com is apparently his favorite site), rather than noticing any intrusions into this closed-circuit network.
Mayor Garcia and his wife returned to the mansion at 12:04 AM, arguing from the limousine all the way into the bedroom about a certain former classmate of Garcia's by the name of Karen, who apparently had been a cheerleader and former girlfriend of the mayor, whose acquaintance he re-made at the reunion. According to Mrs. Garcia, this Karen was also, and I quote, "a slut who lifted her cheer skirt for half the football team and most of the faculty", end quote.
It took approximately twenty-eight minutes for the Mayor to negotiate a settlement wherein he agreed that Karen was a slut and that she had probably gained at least twenty pounds since high school. He wanted to have sex, but the Missus was not in the mood.
Tonight, I'm going to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on whole wheat with the crusts cut off. Harley will give me a blowjob while I watch my programs, and if she's good, I'll let her kill the technician who swore he could hack Wayne's system undetected.
Then, I'll finish off the night with The Daily Show and, if I'm not too tuckered out, The Colbert Report.
Sleep tight, Gotham, safe and secure and private. There's no place like home, is there?
Muse: The Joker
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