InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "we're all a little crazy here"

Harry J Potter (scarofwonder) wrote in in_omniaparatus,
@ 2008-04-04 21:29:00

Who: Harry and Ginny
What: Being a bit emo?
When: Wedding day
Where: The reception in the Great Hall

The wedding was lovely, of course, and the reception was brilliant as well. Everyone seemed to be having fun, dancing, eating, talking. So why was Harry not?

Maybe Hermione had been right. Not that he shouldn't have gone to the wedding, Harry wouldn't have missed the ceremony for the world. It was an honour to stand at Remus' side and watch two of his favourite people in the world pledge their lives' to each other. And it was equally amazing to stand across from Ginny as he did so.

But it got him thinking. And thinking was all Harry had done recently, and he was exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally, Harry was spent. He'd barely spoken to anyone, he was barely performing everyday functions, and he couldn't remember when he'd gotten more than two hours of sleep at once. So he sat at the reception, the royal 'party pooper', alone in the corner as if it were the Yule Ball all over again. Only at least then Ron had been with him. He didn't know where his friend had wandered off to, and Hermione was, of course, dancing with Teddy, and Harry felt more empty than usual.

Sighing heavily, he took a long drink from his glass and ran his finger idly around the rim. He ought to just say his goodbyes and go home. Home seemed so relative now, though. He wasn't even sure where that was now.

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dontcallmered_
2008-04-05 05:42 am UTC (link)

Ginny hadn't any idea how to handle Harry after everything. She knew him well enough to know that she couldn't just go and talk to him straight away. That hadn't kept her away completely, of course, but she didn't exactly bring up anything of importance. Mostly, she'd just made sure that he was still alive and actually there and all. She needed that reassurance. She needed to know that he'd survived this. Because no matter what she'd told herself every day. No matter what she'd told him every chance she could get. No matter how many times and different ways any one said it, there was still always that doubt. That small voice in the back of her mind saying "what if...". What if he didn't make it? What if the wrong side won? What if they were all killed?

Seeing him, hearing him talk, was just one way to make sure that what had happened wasn't a dream. It was a way of being sure. She needed that more than anything at the moment. To be sure. Because she needed to be sure of something in her life. She needed to know that there was at least one thing she could count on.

However, seeing him at the wedding wasn't doing much for her. He was there, but he wasn't all there. Not when he should've been. She knew that she couldn't comprehend what was going through his mind, but then again, no one ever could, and she was the only one who ever really came close outside of Ron and 'Mione. She knew that this, this was bigger than all of that, but Remus and Tonks deserved to have Harry there. To have him really there. All there. Not this person who just sat in the corner, hoping not to be seen.

After a handfull of dances with each of her brothers, she figured she'd given him enough time. Or as much as she'd be able to and still be able to live with herself. She wandered over and leaned her back up against the wall, not looking over at him.

"Hmm...I was right. It's much more fun actually being a part of the reception." She said with a small sigh.

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scarofwonder
2008-04-05 07:15 pm UTC (link)

Harry hadn't even noticed her come up. And, when he did, he was ashamed of himself. It wasn't like him to miss things completely. But it also wasn't like him to be the reason someone was dead. Or lots of people, if you chose to count that it was technically his fault that Voldemort had lived as long as he had and all the murders since were on Harry's shoulders. That was on Harry's list of concerns, as well.

"What do you mean?" Harry asked, glancing up at her. He did feel awful for the way he'd been treating her the last few days. She had a lot on her own mind, just as he did, and she was handling it much better. All of this plus finals coming up, too. It almost made Harry laugh, really.

But he just couldn't deal with things. There had to be a way around it all. He just hadn't figured out, exactly how.

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dontcallmered_
2008-04-06 12:12 am UTC (link)

"Well," She started glancing at him before diverting her gaze back to the dance floor, "You see, I was dancing and trying to be a part of the reception activities and then I saw you over here. Sitting. And I thought to myself, maybe he's onto something. Maybe it actually is more fun to just sit and watch rather than be involved." She looked over at him again, this time not letting herself look away no matter how much she wanted to. "But you see, now I'm over here, testing this theory, and no, it was definitely more fun to actually be at the reception rather than on the outside of it."

She knew it was harsh. She knew it. But she couldn't help it because he was...He was being impossible. And she just wanted him to talk to her or look at her like he used to and just...Be Harry. But he couldn't and she couldn't take that.

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scarofwonder
2008-04-06 01:16 am UTC (link)

Harry wasn't completely stupid, after all. He did realize that what he was doing was also hurting Ginny. Just as it had over a year ago when he'd tried to push her away. He'd tried so desperately to walk out of her life, and she'd taken that away from him. It wasn't fair, really. It'd been almost a year since they'd gotten back together. There they were, once again, and all he was doing was hurting her.

So in fairness, she did make a valid point. Her words, though they cut fairly deep, were well-founded. But that didn't make them easier to hear. He rolled his eyes, leaning further back in his chair and crossing his arms in front of him. "Then why don't you head on back to it, then?" Harry asked tersely. "If you were enjoying it so much more there and all."

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dontcallmered_
2008-04-06 01:33 am UTC (link)

Ginny scowled at him and folded her arms across her chest. "Why don't you join me, then?" She shot back at him. "You know...it's a Wedding, Harry. Not..." She stopped herself from saying the first thing that had popped into her head and she had to take a moment to think of something to put in it's place. "Not exam week or something like that." She tried desperately to save herself, but she knew it wasn't working. "You're supposed to be celebrating. Not sulking in the corner wishing you were anywhere else."

She didn't want to be pushed away again. Last time she'd tried to let him have his space and that didn't work out so well for either one of them. This time, there wasn't even a concrete reason for him to be withdrawing from her and that wasn't something she could just accept. She needed to know that they still had each other. It was the first time that the thought of losing him hadn't coincided with his death.

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scarofwonder
2008-04-06 02:28 am UTC (link)

"Celebrating?" Harry asked skeptically. Was she serious? Yes, it was a wedding, yes he was happy for his friends. But couldn't anyone understand where he was coming from? "Celebrating what, being..." He paused. He couldn't quite call himself a murderer. But that was sure how he'd felt since that day in the Forbidden Forest.

"I'm better off over here. Honestly, Ginny, just...let it go. Go have fun, alright? I'll be along shortly." That wouldn't hold her off. It had never worked in the past, but he couldn't help trying.

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dontcallmered_
2008-04-06 03:07 am UTC (link)

"Celebrating the fact that you're here to share in Tonks and Remus's happiest day of their life together. Celebrating the fact that you're here." She said, her tone sharp and biting. She couldn't believe him. This was supposed to be a happy day. This was supposed to be Remus's best day, and Harry was supposed to be there to celebrate it. Sure he, was in the room and physically there. But he wasn't there.

"I won't 'let it go', Harry." She said with an exasperated sigh. "And I can't go and have fun when I know you're over here getting into your own head and...and...I don't even know what you're doing because you won't talk to me. You won't talk to anyone!" Her voice was rising but she caught it and droped her volume, softening, if only slightly. "Harry...I just want to know that you're alright..."

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scarofwonder
2008-04-06 06:17 am UTC (link)

Why couldn't anyone just let him alone? First Hermione, now Ginny, too? Had the whole world gone mad? He just needed some time, was all. It'd only been a week. His whole life had been spent fighting a war he'd never asked for, and suddenly it was just done and over. It was sort of like losing one's life purpose with having no backup.

"Well I'm not alright," he shot back, surprised at the sound of his own voice. Or his admission. "I'm not and I need some time and I just wish everyone would quit hounding me." He turned his head,unwilling to see the expression on her face at his outburst. He hadn't meant to snap at her. It was just that he was always so tired all the time. And dizzy. He really hadn't slept solidly in months, and it'd been days since he'd eaten a decent meal.

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dontcallmered_
2008-04-06 06:47 am UTC (link)

Ginny met Harry's gaze with a mixture of surprise, hurt, and annoyance. She tried to hide most of it, preferring to not make a scene (for once in her life) because of what might happen to her if her mother were to catch her in the act. Not to mention the fact that she'd be damned if she ruined this day for Tonks and Remus. She instead gave him an icy glare, a flash of anger sweeping over her face.

"I'm sorry that I'm concerned about you. I'm sorry that I've bothered you so bleeding much by trying to get you to stop being so bleeding anti-social." She hissed. She could feel herself getting emotional again. It felt like it hadn't stopped that whole week. The getting worked up and upset. "I'm sorry that you can't see what you have right in front of your face is a whole room of people who just want to help."

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scarofwonder
2008-04-06 08:31 am UTC (link)

"No one can help, don't you get that?" Harry sniped at her just as he had Hermione the morning before. But he was just so tired. So physically and emotionally drained. He wanted to be normal again. Problem was, Harry didn't quite know what normal was any longer.

"Anti-social. You think this is anti-social? Ginny, the Yule Ball? What I did to Parvati? That was anti-social. This is me, having just faced death, quite literally. This is me after being murdered than brought back. Don't know if you've ever quite been there, but it's not exactly the best of times." He glared at her, fire flickering in those green eyes. He was done with this nonsense. If everyone would give him some space, he might be just fine. Keep pushing, he was bound to crack.

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dontcallmered_
2008-04-06 01:36 pm UTC (link)

The tightening in her stomach and closing of her throat told her that she wouldn't be able to hold off the breaking for much longer. He was pushing her away again and she was sick of it. She was sick of having to fight to break down his walls. She was sick of him closing himself off. She was sick of letting him make her feel guilty for caring so bloody much about him only to be faced with hostility.

"Fine." She said, her tone holding nothing but ice. "Fine, if you wanted to be bloody well left alone then, you oughtn't have come in the first place." She gathered the hem of her dress so as not to trip on it as she left his side. "Excuse me." She managed before searching for the nearest exit. She needed to get to the loo in order to calm herself down before anyone saw her like this. She needed to get away from him.

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scarofwonder
2008-04-06 04:46 pm UTC (link)

No. No, that wasn't what he'd wanted. This was wrong, so wrong. Even subconciously, Harry knew that. He'd wanted someone to keep pushing, someone to reach his breaking point to where he had no choice but to face what was happening to him. But no one seemed to see that. He was going to crack. Seven years of fighting this, years prior fighting the Dursleys, and he was going to lose it.

He couldn't do this. He couldn't stay where everyone was happy and celebrating and keep a smile on his face. He was ruining Remus and Tonks' big day and he knew it and he felt awful, but there was no way. Getting to his feet, he gave Ginny another minute before following her out the exit. Only he didn't turn and stop at the loo. Harry made it through the double doors of the Entrance Hall and out to the gates, past the Apparition point. Back to Godric's Hollow. Though, admittedly, he wasn't sure for how much longer.

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