tattooedsappho (tattooedsappho) wrote in imp_inkstains, @ 2008-07-29 20:44:00 |
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Current mood: | crazy |
Current music: | Kamelot - Ghost Opera |
inspiration hit at work today...
Title: Percy's Tests
Author: tattooedappho
Rating: PG-13 / R
Wordcount: 662
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairing: Rufus Scrimgeour / Percy Weasley
Warning: This story is AFU. srsly.
Author's Notes: Written for celestineangel as part of HP_Crackship. Spoof of a certain scene from South Park (Season 2 - Summer Sucks).
“The Minister will see you now.”
“Thank you.” Dolores Umbridge walked past Kingsley's desk and into Rufus Scrimgeour's office. “Hem, hem.” She cleared her throat, standing at attention to make herself seem taller but still her pink-hatted head barley broke the surface of Rufus' fine mahogany desk.
“Ah, Dolores, good of you to come on such short notice,” Rufus smiled at her.
“Minister, I can't find that one-eyed trouser snake you told me to look for,” spoke a voice from under his desk.
“Damnit Weasley, you'll just have to look harder!” Rufus rolled his eyes before returning his attention to the pink frog in front of him.
“What can I do for you Madam Umbridge?”
“You are the one who summoned me, Minister.” Dolores replied, wondering why Rufus had a snake, a Muggle snake if she heard the name correctly, in his office.
“Yes, of course. We need to come up with a way to put the Ministry of Magic on the map!”
“On the map?”
“Something big! Something the networks will drool over!”
“Excuse me but ... what are you talking about Minister?” Dolores was beginning to get flustered, obviously there was something going on that she didn't know about and it bothered her. She eyed a fly buzzing just to her left and contemplated snacking on it to ease her nerves but decided that the Minister wouldn't appreciate her taking a snack break in the middle of their meeting.
“Found it!” The voice from under the desk sounded strangely muffled, as if it were trying to talk with a mouth full of blood pudding.
“Uh, nnm,” Rufus grunted.
“Minister?” Dolores wasn't sure what was going on with the missing snake but she hoped it wasn't the type that enjoyed eating frogs.
“Yeeaaahhh, right there.”
“Right where? Minister, you are making no sense. This must be Potter's fault!” Dolores tried looking infuriated but only managed to make herself resemble a constipated bullfrog.
“Madam Umbridge, I am making perfect sense. It is your responsibility as the new Head of the Ministry PR department to think up something that will wow them.”
“Who?”
“The networks!”
Dolores opened her mouth to question again but the Minister had started sliding down his chair; she rushed out to tell Kingsley that the Minister was in danger.
“What do I have to do to get competent help around here?” Rufus muttered as his body slid completely off his chair and he tumbled on top of Percy Weasley who was white, sticky and looking at him with a hopeful expression on his face.
“Fine job Weasley, fine job. Just one more task before I can promote you to Undersecretary.”
“What is it Minister?”
“I want to watch you flog the bishop, must ensure that my Undersecretary has the proper technique.”
“Right away Minister,” Percy said as he reached into his robes. His hand firmly grasping the bishop's outer robe, Percy began sliding up and down along its body until the bishop stood proudly erect. Rufus' eyes grew large when he realized how tall and muscular the little man really was. Percy pinched the top of the bishop's head before shaking him around a bit and then proceeded to put him in a choke hold and stretch him. The bishop coughed, spitting up a little, which caused Percy to smear the liquid all over its head. With a grunt Percy launched into an extensive routine of pulling, stroking, grasping and shaking which caused him great stress, as evident by the beads of perspiration forming on his brow and his heavy breathing. Giving it all he had, pushing himself so hard that he began to visibly shake from exertion, Percy released his grip on the bishop and slapped it a few times just as it puked up all over Percy's neatly pressed (although now slightly rumpled) robes.
“Wonderful technique Weasley. Although I think that trouser snake needs to be milked again. Precious venom you know.”
“As you wish Minister.”