Downright impossible, is what Silas wanted to say. But he kept it to himself, because yeah, he did know deep down that he needed to accept things and accept that everything wasn’t as bad as he thought or believed. Even if it was easier to hate himself a little bit.
He wondered too if this was what a pep talk felt like, because that was the vibe he was getting. None of the rehab shrinks had treated him the way that Brooks did; both a good and bad things. They had all wanted to talk, but weren’t so much on the reassuring, or maybe they went about it a different way than Brooks. A lot of that was hard to recall, because he usually tried to avoid thinking about it. “Yeah, I guess,” he replied, because it wasn’t impossible to overcome, even if it felt that way.
Now that the fact that his parents hadn’t cared was out in the open, he felt a little exposed. He never talked about them, not even to Rae really, because they’d been so absent in his life. He carried the scars of their absence with him, but talking about that wouldn’t change it, not in his mind. “Never had friends like that before, all this,” he countered. “It’s still new, and strange to even think that they’re not just sticking around ‘cause there’s something for them in the deal.” He couldn’t remember the few friends he’d had growing up, and the gang had kept him around because he was useful, not because they cared about him.
“Don’t feel like they can trust me either, not when I do shit like that,” he stated. “I mean, you’re right, man. They’re the family I got, but…” he trailed off, because he didn’t want to sound like a broken record. “It’s just gonna take some getting used to.” As much as he hadn’t wanted Regan and Brandon around, it had been a wake up call to have them drop their own lives to watch him. They’d never been in that kind of place before, and he never really wanted them to have to do it again, but it had cemented their loyalty in his head. He didn’t feel like he deserved that either, even after getting shot for Brandon, he didn’t feel like he was quite their yet.
Brooks had made his point, and the maddening part to Silas was that he couldn’t refute any of it as unsound. The man knew his shit, and had figured out all the things to say to Silas to make him see everything from a different perspective, even if he didn’t completely believe in it, he’d try. But he wasn’t holding his breath. “Probably not,” he said, just barely stopping himself from mumbling the words out.
“Not really,” he admitted. “But I dunno if I’m ready to dig up the rest of it right now, you know.” He could only take so much, and trudging into the rest of his issues felt like he’d probably end up leaving this meeting more exhausted than he already felt. “Gotta leave something for the next time, right?” he managed a little smirk.
“Hell, maybe by then it won’t be another go ‘round of ‘I don’t deserve the people I got in my life’ or whatever.” It wasn’t meant as a joke, but a recognition that he’d try to do what Brooks told him, even if it was going to be hard.