Loitering at the door wasn’t going to work, Silas knew that, but he took a couple seconds to comply to Brooks telling him to sit. He knew it wasn’t a command, but sitting meant he’d have to talk sooner rather than later. God, he needed to stop being such a mess about shit and just suck it up and get it over with. It was for his own fucking good, so with a heavy breath, he smoothed his hands down his thighs and shifted to the chair, settling, and trying damn hard not to look tense.
“Had to stop for a smoke,” Silas offered up even though Brooks hadn’t asked, filling the silence after it with the noise of opening one the beers on the corner of the table and taking a long draw from the bottle. At least Brooks hadn’t jumped on him immediately about talking, but then he hadn’t really expected the man to anyways. He had the whole comfortable shrink thing down; Silas gave him points for that. Made talking at least a little bit easier when it didn’t feel like an interrogation. “That’s why I’m late,” he added and set the bottle back on the table top, wiping the condensation from the bottle onto his jeans.
Sitting in silence wasn’t any better than just talking either, so with another deep breath he blurted out the first thing that came to his mind. “Why the hell is everyone making me blameless in this shit?” he asked, leaning further against the chair, shifting it back to balance on two legs. “They all want to make Samson some fucking monster, and they think I’m doing some martyr shit by arguing with ‘em about it.” Maybe that wasn’t exactly it, but that’s what it felt like, and he was here to talk to Brooks about his feelings, no one else’s, so he could word it however he wanted.
“I mean, you asked me to think up three things, and that’s one of ‘em,” he added. “It’s like they don’t fucking get addiction.” Maybe they didn’t; none of them had been addicts, not that it meant they couldn’t theoretically understand, but it was so different living it. “I’m so fucking sick of hearing ‘it’s not your fault’.” The first time he’d voiced that out loud.