Jan. 19th, 2015


Another year. How did that happen? I keep referring to 2013 as last year still. I'm sorry that I didn't explain my last post better. Anthony's been anti-marriage lately and I saw yet another engagement on Facebook and got upset. I had gone out to dinner with Anthony and had a few drinks and then we went back to his house; I slept over. I saw the announcement and had to run into the bathroom and cry. Pathetic, right? He was oblivious, thankfully. I hid it well. This is kind of how I've been feeling lately. I mean, what do you do when you're in a n almost 9 year relationship with someone who you love, but they don't want to marry you or have kids when that's what you want? Do you sacrifice what you want to make your partner happy or do you give up on them and look for that in someone else? I've been going insane. A little while after Christmas, Anthony and his family had their own day for exchanging gifts and whatnot. That night after everyone left, his dad made a comment about kids or whatever and I had to keep myself from saying "yeah well your son doesn't want to marry me so...." and Anthony saw that I was a little mellow after that and asked me what was wrong. I said that it was rough being reminded what will never happen. He seriously had no idea how much the subject bothered me. He said he'd get married for me. I think he'd have to. I don't think I could sacrifice not getting married and having kids. I've always known that I wanted to be a mom. Even before we met. I shouldn't have to sacrifice it. But I don't know how "I'll get married for you" feels to me. It makes me feel like he's just doing me a favor and I'll be "trapping him" only to make me happy. God forbid if we don't work out, I'll get blamed for forcing him into it and it will be all my fault. It's so hard telling him these things since I'm never allowed to talk about the hard stuff. "Are you ever going to let me live that down? Will you ever let that go?" Look at me now after the breakup.... we never talked about it! We never talked through it! And I'm not over it. It still haunts me. My insides eat away at me every fucking day. Everything hurts.
Christmas was okay. I missed my aunt a lot since she always spent Christmas Eve at our house and opened presents with us in the morning. I don't think I'll ever not think of her on Christmas and be completely okay. My uncle, aunt, and cousin and yia-yia came over and my mom made spaghetti and homemade sauce and meatballs. It was delicious. Anthony had said that he "might" visit me on Christmas but ended up not coming over. He had worked the night before and got little sleep and went home after being at his mom's. Being already sensitive, I was pretty upset about not seeing him at all. He's telling me not to be mad and that he'd end up staying longer, etc. Bullshit. He could've stopped by and I could've run out to him in the car just to get a hug and a kiss. But no. "Too tired." He ended up staying up until 10pm watching tv though. He conveniently felt bad about not coming over though. Go figure. My mom and Julian weren't happy about him not coming over either. Even my neighbor made a comment about it when he stopped by later. Oh well. I should be used to this by now, right?!? I spent Christmas Eve at my dad'so with my grandmother, brother, and nephew. My brother's girlfriend was only there for a little while but she had to work. We ordered Chinese and exchanged gifts. It was nice. My nephew is getting so big!! I need to see him more.
I'm getting my first tattoo in a month from tomorrow! I'm so excited. :)