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FIC: Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches by Rickey_A
Title: Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches
Author: rickey_a
Rating: NC-17
Challenge/Summary: Harry uses "Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches." to try to charm Ron.
Warnings: Utter Fluff
Word Count: ~3700
Beta thanks to: trubbleclef



Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches

It’s not that Harry thought the book was the most ridiculous gift in the universe, even though it probably was. It’s that it was given to him by the one person who he didn’t want to want him to charm witches. Fuck, that probably wouldn’t sound any better aloud than in his head. Harry was doomed. He had no idea what to say to Ron. He had no idea what to do, but he had to do something. Three years later and he still felt the same, even stronger. Only now Ron was no longer with Hermione and Harry was no longer with Ginny and on top of all that they lived together. Truly, there were no more excuses to be found. Maybe the book might be useful after all…


Chapter 1: Make her feel like a million Galleons (compliment her appearance, robes, hair, shoes…)

Harry and Ron were meeting Dean and Seamus for drinks at a Muggle club. It wasn’t something they did that often, but once in a while they all enjoyed getting out, dancing and maybe even getting a pull.

“I like those jeans,” said Harry, trying not to sound too predatory.

“Really?” Ron looked down at the fitted black jeans he had on.

“Yeah, you look good in Muggle clothes.”

“Never thought about it, but thanks.” Ron shrugged and pulled on his leather jacket. Harry couldn’t help but stare as Ron pulled out his long ponytail from the back to let it hang out.

Ron caught Harry staring. “What is it?” he asked concerned.

“Oh nothing. I guess I was just noticing how long your hair’s got.”

“Think I need a trim?”

“No, no, I like it. It suits you.”

“Thanks. Well, we better get movin’ or we’re gonna be late.”

After Ron Disapparated, Harry slammed the palm of his hand to his forehead. “I’m an idiot. This is never going to work.” Then Harry promptly Disapparated to meet his friends.


Chapter 2: Spend as much time with her as possible.

“What are you going to do with the long weekend?” Harry asked Ron while they sat in the Ministry cafeteria eating their egg salad sandwiches.

“Dunno. First four day weekend we’ve had in forever.”

“Well, we deserve it after this last case. Seriously, I’m sick of the overtime. So do you uh, maybe wanna go somewhere?”

“Like where?”

“I was thinking that I’ve never been to Paris. Thought it might be fun.”

“Yeah, sure, who else you want to ask? We could see if—”

“Actually, I was thinking just the two of us,” Harry said nervously. “We hardly spend any time together anymore.”

“What are you talking about, Harry? We live together. We’re partnered up in the Auror department. We’re always together.”

“Yes, exactly. So whenever we go to do something social we always feel that we have to go in a group or something.”

“Oh. I guess we can go just the two of us.”

“Brilliant.” Harry tried not to smile too much.

The next day Harry had to resist the urge to set fire to his boss’ office, when the four-day-weekend got canceled because of an attempted break in at Gringotts. Of course Harry and Ron were called in because of their…well, experience in the matter.


Chapter 3: Keep her talking. It’s not about you; it’s all about her.

“You were absolutely brilliant today,” said Harry before taking a large bite of his roast beef sandwich.

“Nah, not really,” replied Ron with his mouthful.

“But you were. That hex you threw at that Goblin…just, wow. He was behind you. How’d you see him?”

“I saw him moving around the edges of the room earlier. I was looking for someone on the inside so I kept my eye on him.”

“How did you know it was an inside job?”

“Had to be.”

“See, you’re much better at that type of thing than me. I just come in blasting away.”

“That’s why I always beat you in chess,” Ron said with a teasing grin.

“So tell me about that hex,” Harry said with great enthusiasm prompting Ron to explain where he learned it and all the intricacies of how it worked. Harry could hardly believe how easy it was to get Ron to talk about himself, but as the night wore on he realized that it really wasn’t that much different than most of their conversations. Sometimes Ron talked more. Sometimes he talked more. Harry decided that chapter three was just plain stupid.


Chapter 4: Charm her with your charms. Perform sweet little charms just to let her know you’re thinking of her.

Ron and Harry were in front of the fire playing a game of chess. Ron was contemplating his next move when Harry cast a warming charm on Ron’s cup of hot chocolate.

“Is that your subtle way of telling me that I’m taking too long?” asked Ron with a raised eyebrow.

“No. Honestly, I just thought it was getting cold. Mine was.”

“We could always use a timer.”

“No, Ron, really. We’ve never used a timer. I was just trying to be nice.”

“You don’t have to be nice. I’m not nice,” said Ron. With a devilish smile, he moved his knight. “Check.”

Harry frowned at the board. Ron had him in less than five moves. If only he had more success with his own moves on Ron.


Chapter 5: Be impressed by her magic. The way to her heart is through her magic.

Ron was cleaning the dishes. Harry had made spaghetti with meatballs for dinner since it was one of Ron’s favorite meals. With only three waves of his wand, Ron had the entire kitchen clean.

“Wow, that was impressive,” said Harry with a big smile.

“Shuddap, ya berk. So I don’t like to cook.”

“I wasn’t teasing. You’ve gotten so good at that. Actually, I’m always impressed by your magic.”

“You’re impressed with my magic?” asked Ron, incredulously.

“Yes, of course I am.”

Appraising Harry carefully, Ron asked, “Are you feeling all right?”

“Yes. I’m fine.”

“Cause you’ve been acting really strange lately, mate.”

“Me?”

“Yes.” Ron imitated Harry. “What a great spell Ron, did you invent that? Brilliant charm, mate. You’re so powerful and you don’t even realize it.”

“What?” Harry asked nervously.

Ron nodded. “That’s been you this whole week. What’s going on? Am I in trouble at work?”

“No!”

“What’s going on?”

“Nothing. I’ve just thought that I don’t tell you how much I appreciate you, that’s all.”

“Harry, you’re being silly. It’s not like I’m Hermione and I constantly need to be told stuff like that. Sheesh, that used to drive me batty. This doesn’t have anything to do with her, does it?”

“Honestly, no. If it bothers you, I’ll stop.”

“We’re fine Harry, aren’t we? It’s okay that I moved in?”

“Of course it is. I like living with you.”

“Well I like living with you. So let’s just be ourselves, okay?”

“Okay.”

Harry was beginning to suspect that the wizard who wrote the book had never charmed anyone in his entire life. Still, he decided to move onto the next chapter.


Chapter 6: Shower her with attention, not to mention chocolate, flowers and whatever else her heart desires.

Harry brought home Chocolate Frogs on Monday, Lucky Licorice on Wednesday, and tickets to the Cannons' opener that weekend on Friday.

“How’d you score these?” asked Ron staring in awe at the tickets. “Tomorrow’s match has been sold out for weeks.”

Ron stared at him and Harry could only smile sheepishly.

“Oh,” said Ron with recognition. “You did the ‘I’m Harry Potter’ thingo.”

Harry shrugged.

“I thought you hated doing that?”

“Well, I know how much you wanted to go and…” Harry was utterly embarrassed.

“Oh I don’t care that you did that. These are fantastic seats.”

“So it’s a date,” Harry said nervously.

“Absolutely!”

The Cannons lost to the Arrows 360 to 80. In spite of the loss, they had a great day. Harry liked chapter six only it didn’t actually seem to be having any impact on his relationship with Ron. That night they went to bed like every other. Ron waved a quick goodnight and went into his own room. Harry went to his bed to wank while dreaming of kissing chapped pink lips, touching freckled skin, running his fingers through long red hair and Ron getting him off with long, insistent strokes.


Chapter 7: Be there for her when she’s feeling down.

“What’s wrong?” asked Harry.

“It’s Pig,” Ron mumbled over his morning tea.

“What about him?”

Ron looked up from his cup and his eyes swelled with tears. “He was dead this morning. Found him on the floor beneath his perch.”

“Oh, Ron.” Harry reached out and placed his hand over Ron’s.

“I wanna bury him in the back garden.”

“Of course.”

Ron pulled his hand away to pick up his cup. Harry saddened at how fleeting their touches were. “I’ll help you.”

“Thanks mate. I really did like the little bugger, ya know.”

“I know.”

They buried Pig in between two large Agapanthus plants. Harry draped his arm around Ron’s back and held him gently for a few minutes before they went inside to get ready for work.


Chapter 8: Make her feel attractive, wanted, and sexy.

It was the annual Auror Department banquet. Wearing his new set of dress robes, Ron knocked on the open doorway to Harry’s room.

“You ready?” asked Ron.

“Almost,” said Harry fiddling with his tie in front of the mirror.

Ron took out his wand and muttered a short spell. Instantly, Harry’s tie was perfect.

“Wow, where’d you learn that?”

“Hermione taught me.”

“Leave it to Hermione,” Harry said with a smile then took a good long look at Ron. “You look really good tonight.”

“Ya think? I feel like a penguin. Better than the Yule Ball though,” Ron joked.

“I dunno. You looked pretty good then, too.”

“You’re mad.”

Harry smiled wide. “Okay, you look better now…sexy even.”

“Sexy? I can’t be sexy, otherwise I’d actually have a date instead of going stag with you.”

Harry forced out a small laugh and tried to play it off. Had he really told Ron he was sexy. That stupid, stupid, stupid book! “Nothing wrong with going stag.”

“Well you’re sexy too,” said Ron with a sly grin.

There was no doubt that Harry’s cheeks must have gone red only he didn’t dare look in the mirror. Ron chuckled a little and Harry realized his palms were sweaty. He quickly changed the subject. “Well, we’d best be off. Don’t want to be late.”


Chapter 9: Always take her side in an argument.

“Dammit Weasley!” yelled Ron and Harry’s supervisor, Dedalus Diggle. “You were supposed to wait for back up.” The two were in Diggle’s office and Ron was getting a bit of a dressing down for apprehending Goyle Sr. before Harry and the rest of the Aurors on the team arrived.

“But he wasn’t even armed!” Ron said, trying to defend his actions.

“Doesn’t matter. You know procedure.”

“But sir—”

“Don’t but me. This is the third time that I’ve had to bring this up with you.”

Harry interrupted, “Sir, Goyle didn’t even have his wand on him. Come on, the git was asleep.”

“Sorry, but those are the rules.” Diggle took out a form from the top drawer of his desk and began scribbling. “This is a one week suspension without pay.”

“But he caught the guy!” Harry yelled just as Ron opened his mouth to protest as well.

“No can do.” Diggle shook his head, waved his wand, and the form folded itself into a paper airplane and flew out of the office.

“Fine,” Ron said through gritted teeth.

“Then suspend me as well,” Harry offered. “I’m the one who told Ron to check the house while I surveyed the grounds.”

“Harry,” Ron started.

“No, really. I’m just as responsible,” Harry said to Ron then turned to his boss. “Suspend me too.”

“Potter, I know you’re upset, but you’re not the one who—”

Harry was fuming. “You are an unreasonable, pompous, stupid, old—”

“Fine! You want to be suspended too.” Diggle reached into his desk for another form. “Have it your way.”

Later they laughed about it over a couple of ales at the Leaky.

“Seriously, you didn’t have to do that, Harry.” Ron took a swig of his drink.

“He was being a troll. Besides, now we have a week off.”

Ron laughed and lifted his glass in salute. Harry clinked his glass to Ron’s. “Cheers mate.”

“You’re the best,” Ron stated.

Knowing he was blushing, Harry quickly took a big gulp of his ale. He also knew that he would have stood by Ron with or without the book.


Chapter 10: Become close with her family.

Ron came down the stairs in a hurry. “See you later,” he said as he headed to the fireplace.

“Where you headed?”

“Bill and Fleur’s. I thought I told you?”

Harry shook his head.

“Oh. Well, they were desperate for a night out, some Gringotts dinner thing, and Mum and Dad are in Romania visiting Charlie, Ginny was busy, and I can’t imagine they’d let George baby-sit little Henri.”

“And they’re letting you?” asked Harry incredulously.

“Sure, I’m good with the little guy. Besides he’s over one now and I know how to change a nappy.”

“Do you want some company?” Harry’s mind instantly thought of chapter ten.

“Sure, if you don’t mind.”

“Not at all. I didn’t have anything else planned.”

“No hot date?” Ron teased.

Harry scowled. Ron always seemed to bring up Harry’s lack of social life.

After Henri had gone to sleep for the night, Ron dug up Bill’s old chessboard and they sat down for a game.

“Can I ask you something?” Ron said as Harry studied the board.

“Since when do you need permission,” Harry teased then frowned at his options. He was already down three pawns and a knight.

“Well this is kinda personal.”

Harry looked up. “Oh.”

“Do you ever think about having kids?”

Instantly tense, Harry could feel his heart rate quicken. “Umm, dunno, maybe someday. Why? You thinking about having kids?”

“Not really, I mean I like them and all. Just not sure.”

“You’d make a great dad,” Harry said in all honesty.

“So would you.”

“Nah.”

“Sure you would. Harry?”

“What?”

“Ginny and Neville are trying for a baby. She told me today,” Ron said nervously.

“Oh. Well, that makes sense.”

“It doesn’t bother you?”

“Not really. They’ve been married, what, six months now.”

Ron eyed Harry curiously as if studying the validity of his response.

“Ron, I’m fine with it. Ginny and I broke up for good reasons and she and Neville got together for good reasons. I’m happy for them.”

“Okay. I just wasn’t sure how you’d take the news.”

“I’m fine with it, really.”

Ron dropped the subject and then thoroughly trounced Harry three games straight.

Bill and Fleur ‘s Apparition woke Harry up. He had fallen asleep next to Ron on the sofa. Fleur went upstairs to check the baby while Ron continued to snore as Bill eyed Harry with a raised eyebrow.

“Everything okay?” asked Bill.

“Sure. Henri’s no trouble at all. He’s sweet.”

“And what about that Weasley?” Bill asked gesturing to Ron.

Something twisted in the pit of Harry’s stomach. “Not sure what you mean.”

“When are you going to tell him how you feel?”

“Excuse me?”

“Harry, it’s as plain as the nose on your face.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“I don’t think it’s so ridiculous.”

Harry could hardly believe he what he was hearing. He looked back over at Ron to confirm that he was still sound asleep. He allowed himself to confide in Bill. “I don’t think he feels the same way.”

“I think you’d be surprised,” replied Bill with a friendly smile. “Goodnight Harry and thanks for watching Henri tonight.”

“No problem. Good night.”

Not wanting to wake Ron, Harry side-along Apparated them home and then levitated Ron up to his bed. Harry took off his shoes and tucked his best mate into bed. He stayed a few stolen moments to watch Ron sleep before making his way to his own room.


Chapter 11: Tell her you love her.

It was the second to last day of their suspension. The entire week Harry kept trying to tell Ron how he felt, but every time he began to speak the words just came out jumbled and made no sense. He made Ron a large steak and eggs breakfast and hoped that he’d finally be able to come clean. If Ron rejected him, so be it. He simply couldn’t keep it inside any longer. He would do it today.

“Whoa, what’s all this?” Ron asked as he entered the kitchen.

“Just thought I’d whip up a little breakfast.”

“This is not little,” remarked Ron taking a seat in front of a plate piled high with a steak, eggs, and breakfast potatoes.

“Well you’ve been moping a bit cause of the suspension and I thought this would cheer you up.” Harry poured tea and sat down as well. “Tuck in.”

“Thanks, but really I don’t feel too bad. This week’s been kinda fun. Almost like a vacation.”

“Yeah, I’ve had a good week too.”

When their plates were clean and bellies full, they each sat back with sated smiles.

“Want to go flying today and work off some of this?” Ron asked.

“Sure, sounds perfect.”

“We can fly over at the Burrow. I told Mum and Dad that I’d check up on things there while they were in Romania.”

Everything was fine with the house, so they immediately headed to the field out back for some flying. It was invigorating. They were both so busy with work that they hardly had time to fly anymore. They were lying on their back simply looking up at the clouds and taking a breather.

“Ron,” Harry said keeping his eyes on a large fluffy cloud that looked a bit like a turtle.

“Yeah?”

Harry took a deep breath then stated, “I love you.”

“I love you too, mate.”

Turning his head to the side, Harry saw that Ron’s eyes were closed. After a moment of silence, Ron explained, “After everything we’ve been through together, it’d be pretty silly if we couldn’t admit it.”

“Right,” replied Harry and he slowly died inside.


Chapter 12: Show her how much you care for her.

The last chapter described that it would be necessary to show her how you felt. It’s easy to say the words ‘I love you’ so it’s more important to show her that you will always love her and care for her intensely, deeply and unconditionally. Considering what little reaction Ron had to Harry’s declaration of love, Harry decided that there was nothing left to do but throw himself at him.

After flying, Harry suggested that they go out to dinner. He chose a Muggle Italian restaurant and plied Ron with lots of red wine.

They were both feeling pretty good when they came through the front door. Ron was leaning slightly on Harry as they climbed the stairs. Harry stopped and stared as Ron leaned against the wall next to his bedroom door.

“Tonight was a good time,” Ron stated with a soft smile.

“Yeah,” Harry mumbled and met Ron’s eyes. They held each other’s gaze for an awkward moment.

“Something’s been up with you these last two weeks, hasn’t it?” Ron asked. His cheeks were pink from the alcohol.

“Kinda,” Harry whispered and took a step closer.

“Thought so,” Ron said.

“I’ve been trying to tell you…” Harry breathed in through his nose and stepped directly in front of him. He could smell the garlic from dinner. He could feel the heat emanating from Ron’s body. All of a sudden, he saw Ron lean over just a bit and his face was right there in front of his. Then it happened. They kissed. It was warm. It was perfection. Ron tasted like marinara and Chianti and Harry didn’t want it to end.

Ron wrapped his arms around Harry’s back and pulled him close while their mouths desperately crushed together.

“Oh, fuck,” Harry moaned as Ron’s hands roamed downward and found his arse. Harry’s cock was so hard it hurt. Experimentally, he pressed his hips forward and found that Ron was probably the same.

“Bed,” said Ron before kissing Harry again and pushing him across the hall towards Harry’s bedroom. “Want you so bad.”

“Wanted you.” Harry replied in between hearty kisses as they fell through his doorway.

“I didn’t think…”

They kept kissing and Ron pushed Harry on his back onto the bed and crawled in top of him.

“I’ve been trying this whole week to—”

Ron covered Harry’s mouth and shoved his tongue inside. After several minutes of kissing and taking off each other’s shirts, Ron looked down at Harry and studied his face.

Despite getting everything he always wanted, Harry found himself frightened beyond words. Luckily, nothing more needed to be said. Ron unbuckled Harry’s belt and had his jeans and boxers off in seconds. Standing up for a minute to take off his own, Ron then stretched out alongside Harry. They were naked, together. Harry moaned loudly as Ron started to kiss him again and their cocks met. Harry reached between them and took Ron’s in his hand. Ron reciprocated and soon they were stroking each other with an urgent and fast rhythm.

Arching his back, Harry thrust himself into Ron’s fist one final time and came with a wild cry. He kept stroking Ron, who came soon after.

Harry rested his head on Ron’s firm chest while Ron ran his fingers through his untidy hair.

“I thought you were trying to tell me,” Ron confessed. “I just couldn’t believe it.”

“I’ve wanted this for so long.”

“Me too.”

“I thought you just weren’t interested in me that way. You didn’t react at all how you were supposed to. Stupid book.”

“What book?”

Harry sat up and reached over to his nightstand drawer. He handed the book to Ron, who took one look and laughed.

“S’not funny.”

“It is. Come on. First I’m not a witch and second you don’t need to charm me. You charmed me a long, long time ago.”

Playfully, Harry hit Ron over the head with the book. When Ron looked up at him with loving eyes, Harry smiled in return and said, “Should’ve just started with that.”

Ron laughed. Then Harry laughed too. And then they kissed some more.


The End