We Fade to Grey, for hpfamilyfuncest Mod note: While we wait for the final two fics, please enjoy this story, a gift to the fest, from misfit_ragdoll.
Title: We Fade To Grey Author:ragdoll (on IJ misfit_ragdoll) Pairing: Tonks/Sirius Rating: NC-17 Word Count: 2800 Warnings: Blackcest, non-con, dub-con, rape, rough sex, biting, verbal humiliation, angst Disclaimer: It's not my sandbox, I only play in it. All characters belong to JK Rowling, Bloomsbury, Raincoast, Scholastic, Warner Bros. et al. All situations/words belong to me.
Much love to K. for her betaing and to eeyore9990 for running the fest, being so patient in the midst of so much insanity and betaing my story too.
The non-con is non-con here. It's not meant to trivialize or glamorize rape in any way.
DH Spoilers: None. This is set sometime during Order of the Phoenix.
Summary: Tonks loves her cousin, Sirius. She will do anything she has to to make him to love her back.
Tonks doesn't really know why she allows it to happen. After the first time, as she left Number 12, Grimmauld Place broken, bruised and sore, she swore nothing like this would ever occur again. And yet, the next time he looks at her with those grey grey eyes and whispers "Nymphadora," his voice soft and sad, she acquiesces. She can't stop herself. She wishes she could.
She has loved him since she was a small child, her mother's favourite cousin turned hero in her eyes. She was always convinced he was innocent of the crimes he was sent to Azkaban for, always knew that he, Sirius Black, couldn't possibly have betrayed anyone the way they said he did. She's spent years defending him to people who hadn't understood, wound up bloody and torn trying to clear his good name. And now he leaves her in worse condition just because she loves him.
The first time it happens, they're in the kitchen after an Order meeting, just the two of them in the drafty old house. He's had too much to drink so she stays behind to take care of him, thinking that perhaps she alone can reason with him. After all, they're family. Sirius comes over to her, smelling like firewhisky and musk and regret, his hands cupping her face. Tonks's heart skips a beat as she feels his fingers, rough and firm, against her skin. This is what she's always wanted, isn't it?
He looks into her eyes and she is lost. His eyes are grey. Grey like storm clouds, grey like the morning mist, grey like a stormy sea. She's known this since she was old enough to know the name of the colour when she looks up at him. It suits him, her cousin Sirius, whose moods can be turbulent and violent, as changeable as the weather. No one else in the family has eyes that colour, at least none that she knows of. Her own are dark, brown as mud, a common colour. She could change them if she wanted but somehow, she never thinks to. So they remain brown -- like her mother's, like her Aunt Bellatrix's, like her great-aunt Walburga's.
Sirius tells her so. "You look just like her, you know. My mother…"
Tonks laughs, thinking of the horrible screeching woman in the painting in the hallway. "Thanks for the compliment, mate."
"No, I mean it. She was beautiful when she was younger." His hands tighten against her jaw line, his words slurred. "Where d'you think I get my good looks from?"
"Just reckoned it was those brilliant Black genes -- luck of the draw, really," she murmurs as he moves in closer. And then his mouth is on hers and he's kissing her until she's breathless, her knees threatening to buckle. He shoves her back against the cupboard, pinning her down; she can feel the cold silver snake-shaped drawer knob jamming into her lower back. His mouth is fused on hers, his hands everywhere, pulling at her clothing. She wants this, but not here, not like this. "Don't," she whimpers, trying to move away, but he will not listen. "Why don't we go upstairs?"
"Don't tell me what to do," Sirius rasps, tearing at her tee-shirt. He holds her fast and bites at her exposed breasts; they are small and round, the nipples hard. She hates that they betray her need of him. "It's my fucking house…</i>mine.</i>" Tonks is no longer sure if he is talking about the house– or herself.
He bites her again, his teeth clamping around her breast, eliciting a yelp of pain. She struggles, attempting to reach her wand, but he's too strong, too determined, his large hands clamped around her narrow wrists.
"Sirius…" she pleads, "don't…"
"Shut up." Suddenly, his wand is out, the tip pressed against her throat, his eyes glinting madly in the light of the kitchen. "M'bloody sick an' tired of hearing you wittering on. Tired of you ordering me about," he snarls. "For once, you'll do what I want, how I want, when I want." He looks her over, his expression one of unadulterated lust. "Take off your jeans."
Tonks hesitates. It's a mistake. The next thing she knows, Sirius's hand impacts with her jaw, knocking her head back against the hard wood of the cupboard, and her vision momentarily goes to black. The whole side of her face stings and she thinks she can taste blood.
"Take. Them. Off. Now."
This time she complies, knowing he'll brook no argument. Her hands shake as she unzips her jeans, wriggling out of the heavy denim as fast as she can manage. It's difficult when he's pressed against her like this, his breath hot and laboured as he nips at her neck. She can feel his erection against her bared thigh and she whimpers as he shoves a hand inside her damp knickers, his calloused fingers rubbing against her clit before making their way inside. Tonks can't help but moan despite his rough treatment.
"Like it, do you?" Sirius lets out a low chuckle. Tonks feels herself reddening, embarrassed that she's reacted at all.
"I—" He cuts her words off with another hard kiss, his tongue darting between her parted lips. Finally, he withdraws his questing fingers, now slick with her juices, forcing them into her mouth, laughing again as he makes her lick them clean.
He rips away her cotton knickers with ease. It hurts as he sheaths himself inside her, his thrusts coming hard and fast. Tonks starts to weep, hot tears running down her cheeks and into his long, dark hair. Somehow, her tears seem to spur him on.
This is not how she's ever imagined it. In her adolescent fantasies, Sirius made long and intense love to her on soft feather beds covered in satin sheets, or in cool forest glades after his daring escapes from prison. Since she's gotten to know him as an adult, the scenarios have changed very little, still full of romantic nonsense. At least they are compared to this
"That's it," Sirius grunts. "Cry for me, bitch. Cry for me…" He slams into her, determined to hurt her, break her in every possible way. His eyes are unfocused as he drives his cock into her, and she gets the feeling he isn't seeing her at all. It's as if she is another person, in another place and time. Knowing that she is helping him exorcise old demons almost makes the situation bearable. Almost.
Thankfully, it's over quickly. Sirius comes violently, his body wracking and shuddering as he does. He slumps against her, panting and gasping for breath. Tonks forces back a sob, unsure whether to comfort him or hit him. He relaxes his hold on her, shaking his shaggy head as if to clear it. She wonders if he's finally realised she's there.
"I..I should go," she finally blurts, looking around desperately for her torn clothes.
Sirius nods, stepping away and straightening out his own garments. He does not look at her, his eyes averted anywhere but on his cousin. "Yeah, erm, you…you do that."
She scoops up her clothing, not even bothering to dress before she runs out into the night.
Tonks avoids Order meetings for as long as she can, not wanting to see her cousin again, not wanting to relive the ordeal or the humiliation. However, she cannot keep coming up with excuses; the other Order members will think she's not committed enough to the cause or, even worse, a coward, or a traitor. It's awful enough she has to endure the stigma of being a lowly Hufflepuff, especially from the likes of Severus Snape, but to be considered craven is a fate worse than death.
She is very careful in the way she dresses herself before leaving: oversized, shapeless jumper, baggy rumpled trousers, her hair and makeup undone, not wanting to give Sirius any reason to think she's flirting with him or enticing him. Not this time. The meeting is excruciating and awkward; she sits across the table from her cousin, wedged in between Mundungus Fletcher and Mad-Eye Moody; enduring Dung's stench for several hours seems like penance enough for daring to step foot back in the house. Sirius tries to catch her eye more than once, but she can't bear to look at him, let alone meet his gaze.
After what seems like several days, the meeting thankfully ends, and the other members disperse. Tonks tries her best to hurry out of the house before anything else happens but, much to her chagrin, she manages to once again trip over the troll's leg umbrella stand in the hall. Her cousin catches up with her before she can get up, grabbing her by the arm and hauling her on to her feet. Her skin burn where he touches her and she starts to tremble, doing her best to pull away.
"Nymphadora-- Tonks," Sirius says with a shake of his head, not letting her go, "We need to talk."
Now that he is this close, she notices that he is unshaven, his chin covered in rough dark stubble, and he seems vaguely unsettled. For a moment, she feels a pang of sympathy, but she pushes it away, not wanting to let him move her once again.
"Something's got you frightened…" He tilts her chin up to look at him, his gaze penetrating, reducing her insides to jelly. "It's me, isn't it?"
Her eyes prickle with tears and she tries to pull away. "After what's happened, do you honestly think it could be anything else?"
Sirius looks confused, his face screwed up in thought. "Sweetheart, I'm…I'm sorry. So, so sorry--"
"You should be, mate," she hisses.
"Let me make it up to you, Nymphadora. Please?" he murmurs, tugging her closer. His expression is contrite and so very sad. She hesitates for a moment, wanting to hate him for what he's done, but she can't. Despite everything, she still desperately wants it to be like her teenage dreams. She can't bear to see him looking at her like this; all she wants is to heal him and love him. He leans in to kiss her and she yields, closing her eyes and doing her best to shake off the memory of what's happened before.
At first, his caresses are reassuring and gentle, his kisses soft and tender, but soon they grow fiercer, taking on a desperate urgency. Tonks stiffens in his arms, putting one hand on his shoulder in restraint. "Sirius," she whispers. "Slow down. I can't--"
Sirius nods, but it's as if he's barely heard her. He grinds himself against her thigh, his hips jerking, his burgeoning erection clearly evident beneath his trousers. "Want you," he groans, his voice rough with need, and somehow she knows he will have his way, no matter what she says or does.
Tonks slumps in resignation, not fighting as he turns her around, remembering how terrible it was when she resisted last time. The last thing she wants is to unleash his anger again. His teeth are sharp as they scrape against the nape of her neck. As he cups her breasts through her rough wool of her thick jumper, he squeezes hard, all but crushing her nipples between his thumb and forefingers. The pain causes her eyes to water. Impatiently, he slides his hands under her jumper, pushing it up, his touch searing against her bared skin. Then he shoves her forward, and she falls against the hard wood and faded carpet of the staircase, sprawled on her hands and knees.
She hears him grunt in approval, then feels his hands unfastening her trousers, yanking them down, leaving her exposed and vulnerable. His mouth is hot against her skin as he bites and licks down the line of her back and then over her arse, his teeth grazing over her tender flesh. He jerks her thighs apart with firm hands, then touches her, plays with her, and she responds, her cheeks flush with shame as she feels the warmth and wet between her legs, her hips twitching as he strokes her.
Biting her lower lip, she wills herself into a state of calm, determined not to let it hurt again, but it isn’t easy. This time she's prepared as he enters her, stifling a moan of protest as she feels him, hard and thick, inside of her. Sirius settles on top of her, his arm wound around her waist to hold her securely, the weight of his body heavy against her back. "Good girl, he growls, then slaps her arse, hard. "Just do as I say, yeah?"
Tonks nods silently, blinking back tears. She feels his fingertips pressing into her throbbing clit as he begins to take her. He calls her 'bitch' and 'slapper' and 'whore', pulling at her hair, ordering her to move her arse for him rather than lying there like a corpse because he doesn't fancy fucking an inferius. She complies as best she can, her face wet with tears, trying to keep up with his frenetic pace. He slams her pelvis against the stairs with each hard thrust, and she knows there will be more bruises this time. At least she is fairly competent with episkey spells, she thinks.
She hears the familiar gasps and moans as Sirius moves faster; he is close to release and she's more than grateful that it's coming to an end. He groans and holds her tight, and she feels the hot rush as he spills inside her. Tonks expects him to pull out, but instead he continues to work her with his fingers, dragging them in slow, steady arcs across her swollen nub, as if he's dead set on making her come this time.
The orgasm begins to build and she wants to hold back, to punish him for using her in this way. But somehow, she knows he would never stand for it, that the Black stubbornness would make him force a response from her, no matter how long it takes. Her hips begin to rock of their own accord and she hears him let out a sharp laugh of triumph as he realises he's won.
Taking in a deep breath, she lets go and it's like a dam breaking. Every nerve is on fire and then explodes, pain and anguish and humiliation mingled with euphoria surging through her body. She cries out, convulsing beneath him as wave after wave washes over her, until she collapses against the hard wood of the stairs, spent and miserable. All too soon, Sirius withdraws and then disappears, once again leaving her alone to collect her things and go.
From then on, Tonks is his, utterly, completely. Each time she returns to Number 12, Grimmauld Place, she is caught in his thrall, powerless to stop him. Just a single word or gesture from Sirius, and she goes to him, his to do whatever he pleases, no matter how vile or humiliating. Often, it's long and painful, but other times, it's not as bad. She is certain that the next time, she will break through the barriers and make him see her for who she really is; that if she banishes enough of his demons, it will lift the curse of his madness and he will finally be hers, the way he should be.
They are in Sirius's old bedroom on the top floor in his bed, surrounded by mementos of his school years, before he ran away from this horrible place. He lies on top of her, gripping her wrists and pinning her arms above her head. He pumps away furiously, his hair a black curtain, obscuring his face. Tonks sighs and moans, her hips rising up to meet his. She wishes he could make love to her but, for all she knows, he's imagining he's fucking one of the many scantily clad Muggle girls whose pictures hang on the walls, all big hair, blank stares and vacuous smiles.
He grunts and gazes down at her, those grey eyes meeting hers and for a single instant, they are connected. "Sirius?" she whispers.
And then, just as swiftly, it's gone. "Shut up," he growls, then looks away, his eyes fixed on a random spot on the worn silver-grey walls. He tightens his hold on her until she winces with pain.
Still, Tonks takes their brief connection as a sign of change. She knows she can save him, that she can make him love her if she just holds on long enough. If she can be patient for a little while longer, she'll have it all. She is a Hufflepuff and she will never give up on him. She loves him and she just has to believe.