|yule_balls_mod (yule_balls_mod) wrote in hp_yule_balls,|
@ 2008-12-27 23:05:00
|Entry tags:||2008, character: harry potter, character: severus snape, fic, pairing: snape/harry|
Fic: Somewhere In Between (Snape/Harry, NC-17) for aniay
Title: Somewhere In Between
Pairing(s): Snape/Harry, implied Sirius/Harry, mention of Snape/Lily, Snape/James and James/Sirius in fantasy only.
Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters herein are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No copyright infringement is intended. All characters engaging in sexual activity are 16 years or older.
Summary: Harry feels he and Severus have unfinished business.
Warnings: Post-war AU, language, references to het
Word Count: 4,797
Author's Notes: Hope you enjoy this, aniay! Thank you to F, my beta. And thanks to midnightblue88 and trubbleclef for running the fest!
Severus entered his bedroom almost tentatively. He peered inside at first, as though checking to see if Harry was still there. Harry was indeed still there, seated on the edge of Severus's bed, looking around the dimly-lit room. Severus was hardly accustomed to seeing anyone besides himself on his bed. Why had Harry wandered in here? Why had he shown up on Severus's doorstep in the first place? His conversation so far had given away very little in terms of his intentions and Severus didn't believe this was a purely social call. Severus didn't get purely social calls.
He’d considered not letting Harry in at all, but had ultimately relented. Why, he wasn’t sure. And as Harry had wandered around his living room, examining things and making inane small talk, Severus had begun to regret the decision. Although Harry hadn’t actually been doing anything wrong except hovering uncertainly and filling the quiet space with his hesitant, jumpy presence. It seemed like there was something inside him that had wanted to leap out of his mouth the moment Severus had opened the front door. To be honest, Severus was curious what it could be, so when he left to make tea and Harry had quietly wandered into his bedroom, he’d repressed the urge to stop the boy. He got so few visitors and morbid curiosity compelled him to let this bizarre scene play out.
Harry stood when he saw Severus approaching. "This is exactly as I imagined it would be, you know," he said with an awkward smile. "Your bedroom. It's functional. A little dreary. No personal touches to speak of–"
"Why are you here?" Severus cut him off.
"Er, you already asked me that."
"Yes, you did already answer that, but 'we have unfinished business' isn't good enough. It's also rather ominous."
"I'm not here to finish what Voldemort failed to, if that's what you're worried about."
Severus's mouth twitched and his gaze flickered downward for a moment.
"Don't tell me his name still gets to you."
Severus arched an eyebrow. "You can't tell me that his name doesn't get to you."
"Well, granted, I'm not standing here because life after the war has been all roses."
Severus said nothing and waited for Harry to continue.
"I've tried to go on. I've tried to live a normal life. Ginny finally got fed up with my distance and my obsessing and I had to let her go."
Ignoring Snape's sardonicism, Harry continued, "I’ve become a bit preoccupied with certain things, things that happened and… things I should've said. I haven't been able to move on. Have you?"
Severus licked his lips impatiently and considered the question. "No. But I never expected to have to."
"Well… I suppose I didn't either."
"I don't see how I can help you."
"Maybe you can't. But after seeing all your memories–"
"Things you shouldn't have seen seeing as I survived."
"Well, yes, but I didn't know you were going to live. And neither did you. You wanted me to see. The fact that you survived shouldn't change that."
Severus glanced away. "It makes things a bit complicated."
Harry shook his head. "They don't have to be complicated. I'm glad I finally know the whole truth. It's about time after all these years."
Severus looked at him again, into his eyes and was surprised to find a rather peaceful look on his face. He'd never seen Harry look like this, certainly not ever when the boy was looking at him. Harry's calm, friendly green eyes made Severus ache. He averted his gaze again.
"I was only doing my duty," said Severus. "It had nothing to do with you personally."
"I know. I don't pretend that you went through all that for me, but that doesn't mean you don't feel things for me."
Severus said nothing.
"You know if I could have avoided seeing certain things, I would have."
Still, Severus said nothing.
"It must've been hard for you all those years, looking at my face and seeing her all mixed up with him."
Severus's mouth twitched.
"No wonder you hated me."
Severus took a deep breath and met his eyes again. "Yes, well, this conversation isn't doing much to change that."
Harry seemed to ignore that. "You loved her and despised him. You looked at me and could see both of them. You were torn. I understand that. I looked at you and, not only did I see a man I couldn't stand, but I also saw a connection to something I wanted desperately to know. You knew them. And I could never ask you anything about them because you were such a bitter, resentful son of a bitch. But that's over now. Things are different now. And maybe we can both get a little of what we want."
Severus froze and just stared at him. Surely, he couldn't mean… "What is it you think I want, Potter?"
"Harry. Call me Harry now."
"Answer my question. You saw… everything, did you not?"
"In your memories? Yes, I think so."
"And you've come here to give me what I want," Snape said incredulously.
Severus turned away from him and headed for the door. "I think I've heard enough. Whatever it is you think is going to happen here, I'm sorry, but–" Severus stopped when he felt Harry's hand on his arm. He turned back to face Harry.
"Look at me," said Harry. "What do you see?"
Severus's nostrils flared with anger. He said in a soft, controlled voice, "I see a needy little boy hiding inside the body of a man." He wrenched his arm out of Harry's grasp and went for the door again, but Harry sidestepped in front of him, slipping between him and the door and shut and locked it behind him. Severus found himself standing practically chest-to-chest with Harry. "Get… out… of my way."
Harry shook his head. "How much of her do you see?" he whispered.
Severus was nearly shaking now and he could feel his cheeks heating up. "You haven't changed, Potter. You're still an attention-seeking brat who couldn't care less about the feelings of others so long as he gets his moment in the spotlight."
Harry shook his head again. "You're wrong."
"I am not wrong. I see nothing of her in you. All I see is the arrogance of the fool she chose to be with."
Severus expected to see more evidence of Harry's rage, the rage he remembered from Harry's teenage years, but all he saw was Harry swallow and take a slow breath; barely a ripple in a calm sea.
"How much of her do you see?" Harry repeated. "Is it enough?"
"Enough for what?"
"Enough to make you hurt a little bit when you look into my eyes now."
"My wand, Mr. Potter, is a mere second away from my hand."
"Grab it if you like," said Harry calmly. "I'm unarmed."
Severus frowned. "Do you think I'm stupid?"
"No, but I didn't see the need to bring it. I didn't come here to fight. And if you can look me in the eye and tell me you feel nothing, after all those years at school with me, looking into eyes just like hers and aching for her, if you can honestly tell me there's nothing left inside you, then… then I'll leave quietly."
Severus stared at him. Harry stared back with a strange mixture of that old, familiar defiance and something else that Severus couldn't even fathom at the moment. In his mind he saw little Harry seated in his classroom for the first time, looking up at him earnestly as Severus accused him, he saw Harry growing into a young, angry man, so much like his father, and yet on occasion, when Harry didn't know he was looking, when Harry's guard was down, Severus saw the soft sensitivity he equated so strongly with Lily, just a little something in the boy's eyes that went straight to his heart, but then his and Harry's eyes would meet and all the softness would dissolve and there was James, swaggering and smug, and all Severus wanted to do was cold cock the boy for everything his father had ever done.
Severus had thought so many horrible, disgusting things, had fantasised about grabbing the boy and pushing him up against a cold, castle wall and forcing his mouth open with a bruising kiss, he'd thought about Harry with him in his bed, of Harry on his back, giving himself to Severus and moaning like he knew Lily would have, and he'd thought about taking Harry the way he would have taken James, making Harry scream bloody murder with the force of his thrusts.
Harry had seen all of that in Severus's memories because Snape had been certain he, himself, was as sure as dead the day Voldemort had tried to kill him, the day Harry had knelt by his body and looked into his eyes and for just a moment had given Lily back to him, and all Severus had wanted to do was reach out and touch her just once more.
But it hadn't been Lily. It had only been the boy, but in that moment Harry had been enough, because he had been there, at Severus's side, and for once had looked directly at Severus the way his mother always had.
The way he was looking at Severus right now.
Harry's face seemed to have moved closer. Severus shut his eyes and turned his own face slightly away.
"I think it might be good for both of us," Harry whispered against his cheek.
"What do you think your beloved father would say if he knew what you were proposing?"
"He is most likely spinning in his grave. I know. But something isn't right with me and I need to fix it. Otherwise I'll never be able to move on."
Harry pressed his lips to Severus's face. Severus inhaled slowly, shame at his own weakness rising inside him quickly. He should be stronger than this. He should have stepped away from Harry long before now. He should have slapped Harry's face the moment he realised what Harry was suggesting, but instead he remained where he was, teetering on the edge of surrender.
He felt Harry's hands on his waist and something in him jumped into action to take control. He grabbed Harry's hands and pinned them to the door above his head with lightning speed. Their eyes met again.
What would James say if he could see this now, if he knew what Severus had been thinking about his boy all this time? Severus suppressed a smile. Wherever James was, Severus hoped he was watching. Maybe he could give James exactly what he'd had coming to him even if James wasn't actually there.
"Take your clothes off," Severus said as he released Harry's hands, turned and stepped away from him. He was still trembling, but he hoped it didn’t show. He paced across the room, shaky fingers working to unfasten his cuffs. He could hear Harry moving around behind him. He hazarded a glance at him; Harry had already removed his shoes, and his jacket had been discarded on a nearby chair. His shirt quickly followed and when he began unfastening his jeans, he raised his face to look at Severus. He held the gaze as he pushed the rest of his clothes down. As he straightened back up, his jeans dropped to the floor and he stepped out of them. Severus's eyes travelled down his body. He was the very model of a former Quidditch Seeker; flat-stomached, slender and firm. And he was already fully erect. Well, Severus was relieved that he, himself, wasn't the only one who was.
Severus managed to get both his cuffs unbuttoned, rolled up his sleeves and turned to face Harry completely. When he'd asked Harry to disrobe, he'd wondered if Harry would comply. Now he could see that Harry was absolutely dead serious. "Come to me," he instructed. Harry strode across the room to him and stood patiently before him, awaiting further instruction. He seemed almost too cooperative and it made Severus suspicious.
"Your parents, and most of the people you've ever known, wouldn't like this one bit."
Severus hesitated. He looked down for a moment, not at Harry's body, but at the floor. "As much as I hated your father, I don't think I can have sex with his son."
Harry stepped closer, so close that Severus could feel his breath when he spoke. "I'm twenty-five years old. I'm not a child."
Severus met his eyes again. "I swore to protect you. Taking advantage of you wasn't part of the deal."
"Deal's over. It's done. You did your duty. You don't owe anyone anything now. And," Harry took hold of Severus's hand and brought it to his full erection, wrapping the trembling fingers around it, "it wouldn't be taking advantage."
Severus looked down at what he was holding. He felt frozen to the spot. He opened his mouth to protest, but Harry cut him off. "No. No more talking." Harry's free hand came up and touched Severus's chest. Harry took a breath and exhaled the words, "I need to feel. And so do you." He pressed his body against Severus's and Severus had to force himself not to move, not to respond, not to press his erection against Harry's more firmly. Harry put his lips to Severus's ear and whispered, "I need you to help me feel again."
"I don't know what you expect me to do."
Harry took both of Severus's hands and put them on his waist. He then slipped his arms around Severus's neck. "I want you to do what you've always wanted to."
Harry hugged him and Severus felt Harry's lips brush his ear, then Harry's tongue flick at his earlobe and then Harry's mouth suck that earlobe in. Almost involuntarily, Severus pulled Harry more snugly against himself, and God help him, having Harry in his arms felt very right. Harry was suckling his ear and kissing his neck and starting to breathe harder and his skin was heating beneath Severus's hands and it was almost impossible not to respond to him.
Severus found his mouth and latched on. There was the slight prickle of stubble around Harry's mouth, but his lips were as soft and smooth as Severus had imagined Lily's would’ve been. He wondered if Lily would've tasted the same. He pushed Harry back toward the bed and went down with him, on top of him and Harry instantly spread his legs for him.
"Your glasses," said Severus.
"I like to keep them on during," Harry breathed. "Besides, I look more like him this way, don't I?"
Severus knew he meant James.
"You've imagined this moment so many times. Not only with me, but also with him, having him naked and hard for you, giving you the upper hand. Isn't that what you wanted?"
Severus swallowed. No sense in lying; Harry had already seen everything. "Yes."
"What did you want him to be for you?"
Harry's body was continually undulating beneath his. Severus couldn't help but thrust his pelvis against his. "I wanted him to be my bitch."
"I… I wanted him on his knees. I wanted him to beg for my cock."
A soft little smile touched Harry's lips. "You wanted to shove it down his throat and make him gag on it, didn't you?"
Severus made an almost anguished noise as Harry began to rock his hips in time with his own. "Yes."
"Oh, yes," Harry whispered. He slipped a hand in between them and began to tug Severus's trousers open. Severus lifted up a bit to allow this. "What else? Tell me."
"I wanted to hold him by his hair and fuck his mouth," Severus growled. "I wanted to make him choke on my come."
"Oh, yes, you did. Is that what you wanted to do to me? Hm?"
"Yes," Severus sighed as Harry's hand found its way inside his pants and warm fingers wrapped around his shaft.
"When? Tell me exactly when."
"Sixth year. When you became such a mouthy little cunt. I wanted to bend you over my desk and fuck you unconscious."
Harry moaned, his hand very busy inside Severus's trousers, stroking and feeling around. Severus could barely stand it anymore. If the boy wanted his cock, he could surely have it.
Severus got up on his knees. His wrenched Harry's hand out of his trousers and moved up his body until his cock was right at Harry's face. He didn't wait for Harry to take it himself. He took hold of Harry's hair, held him in place and pushed right into his mouth. He leaned right over Harry and used his free hand to brace himself on the mattress. With his knees spread wide he began to thrust, still gripping Harry's hair, keeping Harry’s head firmly in place.
He couldn't let himself completely lose control as he had in his fantasies, keeping in mind that the boy did actually need to breathe. But Harry was hardly protesting. He kept his lips and tongue pressed firmly around the shaft and he laid his hands on Severus's thighs. Harry was terribly good at this, despite his lack of control in the situation. Severus vaguely wondered where he'd gotten the practice, but he supposed Harry's school days hadn't been entirely filled with running rampant, breaking rules and being generally obnoxious. Soon Severus released Harry's hair so he could lean on both his hands and he put all his energy into rolling his hips, pushing in and out of Harry's mouth. Harry was making the most delicious noises and the way his voice vibrated around Severus's shaft was pure bliss. Severus couldn't keep from coming now if he wanted to. His body quivered and then he was spurting down Harry's throat.
Harry went silent, but maintained his grip on Severus's cock. Severus's thrusts slowed until the sensation of friction against Harry's mouth became too much to bear and he had to stop moving entirely. He swung a leg over Harry to dismount, pulling his cock from Harry's mouth and making his body shudder with aftershocks. He dropped down onto his side, spent and a little bit embarrassed. He lay there with his eyes closed. He didn't want to look at Harry just then, afraid of what he might see in the boy's eyes.
He felt Harry moving next to him and then felt Harry cuddle up against him. He finally opened his eyes and found green ones watching him.
"What else?" Harry whispered.
"What?" Severus panted.
"What else did you want to do to him? Or to me."
Severus rolled onto his back and shut his eyes. "No more."
"What about Lily?"
Severus's eyes popped open. "No. We're not discussing that."
"Why not? You wanted her, didn't you?"
Severus just stared at the ceiling, utterly silent. Finally he said, "I don't want her like this. Not by proxy."
Harry seemed to ignore this. He mounted Severus, straddled him and sat proudly atop him, his bare bottom right against Severus's spent cock. He adjusted his glasses and then reached for one of Severus's hands and brought it to his own still stiff prick again.
"Touch me," he whispered.
Severus watched as his own hand began to stroke Harry. Harry removed his glasses and Severus looked up into his eyes again.
"Do I look enough like her?" he asked again as he set his glasses aside.
Harry guided Severus's hand, made it stroke faster. "You wanted to fuck her. I know you did."
"Don't be so vulgar," Severus growled.
"But that is what you wanted." Harry moaned as his chest began rising and falling faster. He closed his eyes and let himself go completely, being more and more vocal. Severus could only stare and keep his hand moving quickly over Harry's erection. His own cock was quickly coming back to life. Harry was moaning louder and louder, and then he threw his head back and his body jerked and strings of his pearly seed were landing across Severus's shirt. Severus was breathing nearly as hard as Harry and he was riveted. The saviour of the wizarding world was, of his own free will, writhing helplessly on top of him. Severus could scarcely believe it, but he was rock-hard again and pure instinct took over.
Harry had barely finished coming before Severus was rolling them both over, laying Harry on his back and looming over him. Harry was still crying out with pleasure as Severus retrieved his wand from the bedside table and summoned a bottle of cooking oil from the kitchen. Severus was trembling with need and he nearly let the bottle slip from his fingers when he caught it. He covered his fingers with oil and began opening Harry up, one finger at a time.
"You've done this before," Severus said breathlessly. "You've had cock in your mouth and up your arse before, I can tell."
Harry smiled dazedly up at him, his orgasm having left him weak and lazy, though he managed to hold his legs aloft and spread wide so Severus could get at him properly. "Yes," he replied coyly.
"Who? Who broke you in?"
Harry licked his lips sensuously. "Sirius."
Severus froze and stared at him. "What?"
"When we were boys, he ran away from home and came to stay with me and my parents."
Severus caught on; Harry was pretending to be James now. Although something in the way Harry had answered so easily made Severus wonder. "I see. What did the two of you do together?"
Harry groaned as Severus's fingers stretched him. "He slept in my room with me and at night he'd crawl into bed with me and we'd touch each other and I let him do as he pleased. I let him stick his dick wherever he liked. I was preparing myself for you, for when I finally got you alone, Severus. I put on a good show in front of the others, but it's you I wanted."
Severus's heart was pounding in his ears. He knew Harry was only telling him what the boy thought he wanted to hear, but it was working. He slicked his cock with oil and wasted little time. He put Harry's ankles on his shoulders and positioned himself at Harry's entrance. He pushed Harry's legs far back as he leaned over him and put his hands on the bed on either side of him.
"Beg me for it," he said. "Tell me you want it."
"Give it to me," Harry whispered, looking directly into his eyes. "Give me your cock, Sev."
Severus paused, his brow furrowing. "Don't call me that."
"I want it, Sev," Harry insisted. "I've always wanted it."
Damn, if Harry's eyes didn't look just like hers had. It wasn't supposed to be like this. He was supposed to have been with her, but instead all he got was this hybrid of her and the man he'd hated most in the world. It was sick and it was all Severus could do to keep from ramming right into Harry, ripping him open and making him scream. But he couldn't do that. Not to Lily's child and not even to James's, and despite his misgivings it was Lily he tried to picture as he began to push into Harry.
Harry's face scrunched up and he groaned in discomfort, but only for a short while. His body quickly adjusted and soon Severus's body was flush with his.
"Do it," Harry whispered. "Fuck me."
Severus began to move and it was the most incredible thing he'd ever felt. He tried to think of Lily, but found that he didn't want to. His mind recoiled from the thought; Lily had been perfect and this act was not. Even the thought of James taking it up the arse for him, moaning beneath him like a bitch in heat, wasn't at all appealing in this moment. This was something else; filthier than Lily could ever be in his mind, but nowhere near as angry as fucking James would be. This was Harry. Somewhere in between.
"Fuck me harder," Harry begged, even though he was already grunting from the force of the thrusts. Severus happily obliged, and he slipped his shoulders out from under Harry's legs so he could lie on top of him and bring his face down to Harry's. Harry's eyes were closed, so Severus could stare at him freely, and as he did he began to feel a confusing sense of ownership. Well, he had nearly given his life for this boy. He'd risked everything to protect him. Harry's parents, and nearly every other parental figure Harry had ever known, were dead, and Harry had shown up on Severus's doorstep claiming Severus was the only answer to his chronic numbness. The two of them were intrinsically linked and Harry knew it. Severus's confusion slowly began to dissolve.
"You belong to me," he whispered, riding Harry faster. He took hold of Harry's throat and held onto it, just firmly enough to make it feel like he was claiming what was his. Harry's eyes, dazed with lust, opened and locked with his. "Do you hear me, Harry? You're mine. I've earned you."
Harry nodded. "Yes," he said, the word coming out as barely a whisper. There seemed to be something in Harry's eyes, some deep understanding. Severus wasn't sure what to make of it, but now was hardly the time for questions, for Harry's eyes rolled up in his head and his body shuddered hard. Severus had barely registered the fact that Harry was coming again before his own climax exploded inside him and erupted into Harry's body.
Severus could hear Harry's voice crying out, but it seemed distant through the buzzing in his head. If he didn't know better, he would've said Harry was sobbing, his voice tearing up and out of his throat as though something was leaving his body. Perhaps this was the catharsis Harry had been wanting. Then the buzzing began to fade and Harry finally lowered his legs to the bed, forcing Severus out of him. They both grunted softly as that happened and Severus slid off him and dropped down onto his side next to Harry, who didn't seem able to move just yet and lay there blinking up at the ceiling until he finally spoke.
"Perhaps I was a bit misguided in my attempt to take up with Ginny."
Severus wasn't sure what to say to that. He waited for Harry to continue.
"I love her. I always will. But I didn't belong with her. Not like that." Harry rolled onto his side to face Severus. "Did you mean what you said a moment ago? About owning me."
Severus resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "That didn't mean anything, I was just… caught up in the moment."
"It was more than that. It was written all over your face. You do feel like you own me. And maybe rightfully so."
"Shh," Harry hushed him as he leaned in and pressed his lips to Severus's. Severus only allowed this for a moment, however, before he pulled back and spoke.
"What were you feeling near the end there?"
“I’m not sure. Why?”
“Perhaps I’m wrong, but it looked as though you were experiencing something.”
Harry gave him a little half smile. “Did it?”
“Yes, and, might I add, you were making an awful lot of noise.”
Harry smiled even more. “I’m sorry. I haven’t made noises like that in bed in quite a while.” Severus sighed. "I can't deny that this has been… intriguing."
"I can pretend to be them for you anytime you want. We can call it therapy." Harry grinned, but Severus didn't.
"You're not your father, Harry; I might actually have something like… affection for you," Severus grudgingly admitted. "And you could never be… her. I wouldn't want you to be."
Harry shook his head as though to tell him it was okay. "I know how you felt about her."
Severus examined his face for a long, quiet moment. He hadn't ever wanted anyone but Lily, but she was dead and Harry was here and maybe he was enough. "Something in between," he whispered as he reached up to touch Harry's face.
"Nothing." Severus replied, and he drew Harry into his arms. His heart was pounding again, this time from… what? Fear? Anticipation? Hope? Someone was in his bed, someone who wanted to be there. He'd have to get used to this.
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