springsmutfairy (springsmutfairy) wrote in hp_springsmut, @ 2009-03-24 16:00:00 |
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Entry tags: | fic, percy/teddy, slash |
Happy Springsmut, loony4lupin!
Author: trubbleclef
Recipient: loony4lupin
Title: Lazy Arsehole
Rating: R
Pairing(s): Percy/Teddy
Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters herein are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No copyright infringement is intended.
Summary: Teddy is just really, really, really messy. Percy cannot abide this.
Warnings: None.
Word Count: ~2500
Author's Notes: loony4lupin, I hope that you enjoy this. It was fun writing it for you. Also thank you to the mods for being ridiculously patient with me. Finally, a shout to Ian McKellen for some really obvious inspiration. Subtle...like a blunt object over the head.
Teddy Lupin was about to embark on the most exciting of adventures. One which would change his life for the better in practically every way: moving into his own flat.
Spending his last few years of school with the Potters had been fine, just fine. He was grateful, no doubt about that. After Nan died he was lucky that he had anything close to a family willing to take him in. He knew that. But having to answer to other people was never really his thing. He preferred to be left alone to his own devices. Now he could kick back and relax. Eat whatever he wanted. Stay up as late as he felt like. Smoke gillyweed and fags without worrying about someone smelling it. No one would snoop in his school trunk and find... another reason suddenly screamed at him.
He could wank over pictures of blokes on his own couch.
Life was good.
***
The meeting with his new landlord was tedious and strange.
"Teddy Lupin. Yes. Never rented a flat before?" Xenophilius Lovegood asked pleasantly.
"No, sir."
"That's fine, you're in good hands here."
"Thank you, sir."
Mr Lovegood stared at him for a long moment, smiling.
"How do I live as an adult?"
"Sorry?" Teddy was a bit startled at the question.
"I get up in the morning, I look in the mirror and I say, 'Good morning, Xeno. You're going to be a grown-up today, aren't you? Yes. You are.'"
"Um."
"You're confused. It's quite simple. Exempli causa, I discovered quickly that each and every month I was obligated to provide compensation to others for the necessities of my subsistence. So I said to myself, 'Hmm...how would I do that?' Here's what I did. I paid them with money. How did I obtain it? By working. For another. Performing a task." He spread his hands. "You see?"
"Er..." At this point, Teddy was fairly sure that Mr Lovegood belonged in the Janus Thickey ward.
"If you were to watch what I do in a Pensieve, it would look something like this." He stood up and marched over to the kitchen table. "Xeno picks up the quill." He mimed picking up a quill and scribbling onto an imaginary parchment. "Xeno writes an article. Xeno rolls it up and sends it to be published. In exchange for this service," he continued, cupping his hands round his mouth in a whisper, "they give me Galleons!"
"I...see, sir."
"After all, you do have to pay the rent."
"Of course, sir."
"There will be no free rent!"
"No, sir."
Bloody good thing the flat was nice, Teddy thought.
***
Being invited to lunch by Harry Potter was a rare occurrence. At least, it was for Percy. As head of the Aurors, Harry was a busy man, and Percy didn't even work in that department. Not that they didn't see each other often enough at family get togethers, but one on one conversation was fairly uncommon. So to say that he was curious was a bit of an understatement.
Suspicious, more like. A favor was in the offing. He could smell it.
"Percy! How are you?" Harry's general air of nervousness told Percy that he was correct in his guess.
"What can I do for you, Harry?"
Harry looked at him in surprise. "That transparent, am I?"
"You're sweating," said Percy.
"Oh. Well. Thing is, I'm leaving on assignment for a bit, and I wondered if you might check in on Teddy."
"Check in on him? Is there something wrong?" It seemed like a decidedly odd request.
"He's been living on his own in his new flat for about a week, and I haven't heard from him. I sent him an owl yesterday, but it came back undelivered. I know he's safe because your mum put him on the clock, you know, but I am starting to worry about him."
Percy eyed Harry closely. There must be more to this.
"Tell me the rest."
"There's nothing else to tell, honestly! It's just that...well, Andy did everything for him when he lived with her, and no one has to do anything at all at Hogwarts what with the elves. He was always a bit of a slob while he was with us. A tad lazy. He just sat around and read and listened to the wireless all the time. He's got some money from Andy and I found out last year that he paid Lily to do his chores. I just want you to have a look in and make sure that he's been to the laundry, it's not too dusty, that sort of thing. You can do that, can't you?"
Harry fixed him with a pleading look, and Percy just...caved.
"I suppose so," he sighed.
He wasn't looking forward to this at all.
***
It seemed the best thing to do would be to bring by some dinner. That would at least be a reason for stopping. Steaming curries in hand, he walked through the lobby and up the stairs to Teddy's flat. Percy knocked.
There was no answer.
"Hello? Teddy?" He could hear the wireless on, and the sound of water running. He knocked again. "Teddy, it's Percy Weasley. Are you in there?"
Two minutes ticked by and Percy was beginning to feel a bit nervous. Really, it was the running water that was making him nervous, because who turns on a tap and then leaves the room?
"I'm coming in, Teddy!" he called through the door. "Alohamora!"
When the door swung open, Percy dropped the curry out of simple shock. Not to mention disgust.
It was a sleazy hovel. Garbage just...everywhere.
He looked into the kitchen on the right. The countertop and table were covered with random junk, piled in precarious stacks. The tap was running at a low pressure, water running over the edge of the overfilled sink and dribbling onto the floor. The sink itself was filled with dishes and pans, coated in rotting food debris. Percy walked in, over the filthy floor and reached back to turn it off. He peered into the water as he did so, and saw two little wet paws sticking up out of the water. He gagged and ran from the room.
He was almost afraid to venture any further into the flat, but he felt duty bound to investigate.
The main living area was next, and it was in a similar state to the kitchen. Several bookcases lined the wall, filled with such a bizarre assortment of items that he had trouble processing everything that met his eyes. There were very few books actually present. Cigarette butts could be seen in every available porcelain, metal and glass container. Indeed, the dust seemed to be a layer of ash.
Across the room, two things caught his attention. First, the wireless was set to Wizarding Radio 4, which took him momentarily aback-- he never would have expected someone living in a place like this to give two figs about current events. The second thing was a set of toes peeking out from the side of the couch, which faced away from him.
Percy crossed the room slowly, making sure not to step on anything along the way. This was somewhat difficult, as there was a combination of clothing, parchment, books, Muggle media cases, various bottles and cans and plain old rubbish. He looked down at the sleeping man on the couch. Teddy Lupin was in nothing but his (no doubt filthy) boxers and a t-shirt that was worn through the armpits. His brown hair had clearly never been brushed as it appeared to be matting in places. His skin looked greasy and Percy was downright scared for the boy's teeth.
Percy took out his wand and poked at one of the feet.
"Teddy?"
"Whuhuzzamey...down...harder..." He trailed off, his deep sleep not so easily conquered. Percy grabbed his ankle and shook it. "Mmm, more?" Teddy purred, his hand wandering in the direction...
...of his prominent hard-on.
Percy stared in mute fascination as Teddy, still sleeping, pulled his cock from his boxers and began to stroke himself. He made tiny, delicious little gaspy noises as he rubbed it. He thrust into his fist, his arse clenching, his mouth open and panting as come spurted out all over his hand. He continued to breathe heavily, his other arm slung over his eyes.
Percy shook himself out of his slack-jawed stupor.
"I do hope that you know one cleaning charm, at least."
He had never seen someone startle as badly as Teddy did just then. He practically leapt off of the couch, made a mad search for his wand as his flaccid dick still bobbed around exposed, whispered a frantic charm, and tucked himself back in.
"What in bloody fuck do you think you're doing sneaking up on a man like that?" Teddy asked in earnest confusion.
"Sneak up on you?! I'll have you know I was trying to wake you for several minutes!" Percy declared.
Teddy blinked owlishly.
"You mean you just stood there watching me have a bash?" He looked at Percy's crotch, which, he realized far too late, displayed his own reaction to the show he'd just witnessed. "You want me to take care of that for you?"
Of all the things Percy expected to hear, that was not it. He glared at Teddy with suspicion.
"You're a rent boy."
"I am not!"
"Then why are you living in squalor and offering to...you know."
"What?" Teddy replied defensively. "Yeah, I need to straighten up some, I suppose. And you're an attractive bloke. That doesn't make me a rent boy. And what the hell are you doing here, anyway?"
"Hmph. I brought by some dinner. Harry wanted to make sure you had a hot meal from time to time while he's away and asked me to visit you." He pinched the bridge of his nose wearily. "Teddy, I'm surprised at you. You should be ashamed at the condition of this flat. This is supposed to be your home."
"Just need to clean a bit."
"There is a dead mouse in your sink."
"Is that what that smell is?"
"You've only been living here a week! How on earth did it get like this in the space of less than two weeks? Did you actually smoke this many cigarettes by yourself? Are you depressed?"
"God, Percy, one fucking question at a time, yeah?" He sat down and lit yet another fag to add to the collection. "I had a party the night I moved in and never got around to cleaning up. And no, I'm not depressed! I'm having a great time. Honestly, it's not that bad."
"That is perhaps the biggest understatement I've ever heard, and I worked under Cornelius Fudge, remember."
"Who?"
"Look," Percy sighed. "This simply will not do. I'm going to help you get this place together, and you're going to learn how to keep this flat clean. I will be by every single day to check on you until I trust that you're not falling back into bad habits."
"Fucking meddlesome you are. You sound like Grandma Molly."
"My mother would have your hide for letting things get like this. I don't care if you think I'm meddlesome. How am I supposed to sleep at night knowing that you live this way? I have a hard enough time getting to sleep as it is."
Teddy just rolled his eyes and took another drag off his cigarette.
"First things first. We're going to clean off this coffee table and eat the food that I brought. Then we're going to start cleaning."
"Whatever you say, Dad."
"You'd better be bloody glad I'm not your father, you wretched little..."
"Ooh, what would you do? Spank me?" Teddy asked, eyes gleaming.
"Shut up, you little pervert."
"If let you spank me, will you let me suck you off?"
"Will I...do I need to use a silencing charm on you?" Percy asked seriously.
"You wouldn't dare," Teddy said, blanching.
"Don't test me. Now, do you have any cups?"
"Cups?"
"Yes, you drink beverages out of them."
"I just drink out of bottles and cans, mainly."
Percy sighed for what must have been the fifteenth time since he'd arrived.
"What about plates? Or forks? Is there anything to eat off of here?"
Teddy looked in the direction of the kitchen and bit his lip.
***
They cleaned until well past eleven. Percy insisted on starting with the bathroom. When he was done, he thanked the powers that be Teddy had only been living there a couple of weeks.
The kitchen was next. Percy showed him the standard spells for dish cleaning, mopping, removing gunk from the stovetop, and an assortment of others. The bedroom was almost worse because the bed was covered in laundry. Everything that didn't belong in each place was hauled into the living room to be gone through. There were stacks and stacks of parchment to go through the following day. All of the books had been reshelved. The couch, mattress and carpets were Tergeoed. Fresh linens were washed, along with a change of clothes and some pyjamas. And it turned out that Teddy didn't even have an ashtray.
"If you insist on smoking those things, you should be doing it on your verandah. Not inside. It makes everything smell. Including you. Speaking of...bath time."
"Finally!"
Percy walked into the bathroom and began to draw a hot bath, then turned to assess the contents of the medicine cupboard.
"Now, I noticed that you're out of nearly everything. You'll need to go shopping tomorrow for more shampoo and soap...some nail clippers and a proper hairbrush. And get a new toothbrush while you're at it. A fresh start, yes?"
"Alright."
"Do you ever use conditioner?"
"No."
"You should start. Now what about--"
"Will you be joining me?"
Percy looked behind himself in the mirror to find Teddy completely naked. And hard. Percy flushed and spoke to him through the mirror. Turning around would reveal just how interested he was in the idea, and that wouldn't do at all.
"Teddy, you really must stop these cack-handed come-ons. I'm old enough to be your father."
"We've already been over this. You're not my dad, remember?"
"Of course I'm not, but...that's not the problem."
Teddy's face fell.
"You're not interested in me. I understand. I'm sorry."
"Teddy, you're a very handsome young man. Of course I'm interested. But..."
"Then what's the problem?" Teddy's entreated.
"Take your bath Teddy. I'll see you tomorrow."
"No."
"Pardon?"
"I said no. You do it."
"Do what?" asked Percy, extremely confused.
"Wash me," replied Teddy simply, handing him the flannel. Percy's mouth went dry. As he watched Teddy step backwards into the tub, he felt his resolve crumble to bits.
He undressed quickly and followed Teddy into the tub.
"Fine. But just in case you are a rentboy, I'll have you know that I'm not paying you for this."
"S'alright. You've already got me in trade," Teddy sniggered.
Percy would definitely be punishing him for his cheek later.