Entry tags:

fic, lord voldemort, quirinus quirrell, severus snape, slash

FIC: 'Queer' for westernredcedar
Recipient: westernredcedar
Author: arbor_vitae
Title: Queer
Rating: R
Pairings: Quirrell/Snape, Quirrell/Voldemort
Word Count: ~ 4,000
Warnings: Character death
Summary: He hid from the world the little fact that he was queer. Snapshots of Quirinus Quirrell's life.
Author's Notes: Written for westernredcedar who requested Quirrell, complex angst, and time period between wars. I hope the romance is realistic and you enjoy the story! :) A million thanks to my wonderful beta!

***

~ Seedling ~

Quirinus Quirrell sat in the sunroom of his aunt's house, enjoying the warm sensation of the sunrays basking his body. He watched his instructor Mr. Quincy as he explained the meaning of the piano quartet while demonstrating a short, joyful song. Quirinus did not pay attention to the melody nor which piano keys were struck. Rather, his eyes followed the movement of Mr. Quincy's long, slender hands, spellbound by their grace as they glided over the glossy white and black surface.

He had always liked Mr. Quincy's hands. Quirinus wasn't interested in continuing to learn the piano, yet he feigned his interest, just to see Mr. Quincy that summer.

But she had known better.

Auntie Queenie scolded him and then scolded him again for crying and massaging his stinging hands. She said to be careful, but she never said what to be careful of.

~ Sprouting ~

By the time he attended Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Auntie Queenie's words had long vanished from his memory.

Quirinus was a good pupil and dedicated to his studies, but he often kept to himself. In his fifth year, he fancied the Head Boy. However, Quirinus did not risk letting a single trace of his feelings be known. He was well aware of the prejudice and fear the narrow-minded individuals possessed, had heard terrifying tales of what had been done to those like Quirinus Quirrell.

Queer.

The word was oddly familiar yet foreign at the same time, a seemingly guiltless yet detrimental term. Deciding that he did not wish to get caught in a tangled mess, Quirinus hid from the world the little fact that he was queer. He swore a life of celibacy; his books were his closest and kindest friends, accompanying him in to his secluded corner of the Ravenclaw tower. He never felt lonely in his years at Hogwarts for he had buried deep any emotions he had for the Head Boy or any other gentleman that caught his eye.

It was only a matter of time before the walls collapsed.

~ Budding ~

"Are you nervous?" Quirinus asked kindly. He had spotted the silhouette of the young man and decided to have a chat. The fellow young professor was standing alone out on the grounds of Hogwarts, the canopy of stars his only company that night. Professor Severus Snape glared at Quirinus' through narrowed eyes.

"Why would I be nervous?" he spat and sneered when Quirinus looked taken aback.

"I assumed that being a new teacher at such a highly regarded school would give anyone a feeling of anxiety," Quirinus said. "I imagined that as we were both hired at the same time, you may feel comfortable speaking with someone who's in the same position as you are."

"I do not wish to waste my time with the incompetent majority."

Quirinus's eyebrows shot up. "Incompetent?" he said. "Surely, you don't think Professor Dumbledore would hire anyone who's incompetent?"

"He has done so in the past," Professor Snape said impassively before waking away, his long black robes billowing behind him.

What a disgusting attitude! Quirinus thought bitterly. It was a mistake to begin a conversation with him! I didn't need my good mood to be stampeded on like that!

Professor Snape was still within earshot. Giving Professor Snape's back an irritated look, Quirinus added, I should have spoken with the new Defense professor instead!

Vowing to make his class a bigger success than Professor Snape's, Quirinus headed back to the castle.

~ Blossoming ~

It soon became common knowledge that two of Hogwart's newest professors were at odds with one another. Professor Snape was skilled at his subject, but his foul attitude and insensitivity towards his pupils earned him the distinction of being one of the most loathed professors at Hogwarts.

Quirinus listened in on the whispered conversations with satisfaction. He had taken great care to his own subject; though Muggle Studies was normally viewed as less exciting than Potions, Quirinus's benevolence to the students and enthusiastic approach to his teaching won him their adoration.

"Wonderful morning, isn't it, Severus?" Quirinus said with a small smirk, his third year students following him on their way to the outdoors where they were to observe Muggle satellite dishes with their telescopes. Professor Snape regarded him with a scowl.

*

"Quirrell!" Quirinus jumped as a heavy stack of books fell on the table of his office desk, nearly unsettling his teacup. Snape pounded his fist on the desk, livid with rage.

"How may I help you?" Quirinus asked politely, raising his eyebrows. Three years had passed, three Defense professors had come and gone, yet the two remained at Hogwarts, ever locked in silent rivalry.

"This student plagiarized!" Snape snapped. "I know I've read the passage somewhere! You're going to help me catch this student!"

"Why so?" Quirinus sipped from his cup of tea. A trace of a smile was forming on his lips.

"Don't play games with me, Mr. Helping Hand."

"Fair point." Quirinus said, setting his teacup aside and taking one of the heavy books. His grin widened. You just don't want to waste your entire day; you also have to waste mine. "Who's the culprit?"

"A particularly problematic Hufflepuff first year that goes by the name of Nymphadora Tonks," Snape said, throwing the offending assignment in front of Quirinus.

"I've heard much about her," Quirinus said brightly. "I do hope she takes Muggle Studies for her third year. Oh, that's interesting - she doodles on her essays!"

Quirinus heard Snape mumble something about useless subjects, but he did not comment. He read the pupil's essay several times while browsing through the textbooks, albeit without as much vigor as Severus Snape's. He periodically glanced at the Potions Master, inwardly smiling. Was there ever a time when that man didn't glower? Quirinus's eyes lingered on Snape's mouth. He paused.

No, he quickly told himself.

"Tea, Severus?" he asked, hoping to distract himself from the thoughts that had begun to form in his mind. Snape gave a small gesture, never looking up from his book.

"You know, I think I vaguely remember you from our school days at Hogwarts," Quirinus said, handing Snape his cup of tea. Snape stretched forward to take the offered cup, his fingertips lightly brushing against Quirinus's hand.

"We weren't in the same year," Snape muttered. He took a small sip and turned the page.

"Don't think we were," Quirinus nodded. "I remember seeing you arguing with another student once in the halls. He had on glasses. A Gryffindor, I believe."

"Potter," Snape spat.

Quirinus raised an eyebrow at his bitter tone. The same Potter who died a few years back? he wondered.

Snape continued to page through a thick book, not paying any attention to Quirinus.

"I believe that I found something," Quirinus lied; he just wanted Snape to look at him in that moment. To his satisfaction, Snape glanced over Quirinus's shoulder, the tips of his long hair tickling Quirinus's cheek.

This isn't helping, Quirinus thought, remembering his vow of celibacy. But, in that moment, he no longer cared.

*

In the years that followed, students and staff noticed a change in the two professors' relationship. Once enemies, they could now be seen enjoying the Hogwarts meals together. Professor Snape spoke only when necessary, and too often silence fell upon them for long periods of time. But that was what the friendship of the two men was like.

No one ever suspected the true extent of Quirinus's feelings for the Potions Master.

What's so great about Severus anyway? he wondered one evening while studying Professor Snape as he sat on the other side of Quirrell's office desk, hunched over his students papers, his quill working quickly and madly over the essays. What am I talking about? I'm not much of a looker myself. He chuckled to himself. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I suppose.

"If you were a little smarter, you wouldn't have had every one of your students hand in an essay," Quirinus said, licking his fingers and turning the page in his book. "You should learn to enjoy the winter break."

"I will notify Professor Dumbledore of your indolence," came Severus's reply.

"Oh?" Quirinus chuckled. "I happen to be very passionate my post, unlike yourself. Perhaps you should just give up on applying for the Defense Against the Dark Arts post. Every year, a professor has either fallen gravely ill, died, or left due to one issue or another. I believe that post is cursed." I don't want anything happening to you, Quirinus added in his mind, not daring to repeat those words aloud.

"Bollocks," Severus said. "Clearly the post rightfully belongs to me!"

"Such arrogance." Quirinus rolled his eyes, still grinning. He set his book aside, growing tired of the tale. He stood up and moved over to the nearby window, looking out into the snowy night.

"Why are you always in my office?" Quirinus suddenly asked. He could feel eyes on him, as he always felt whenever his back was turned towards Severus. Maybe it's just my imagination, he thought.

"I figured you would be too frightened of the jars in my office," Snape replied.

Quirinus laughed. "Frightened of those?" He turned around; to his surprise, Severus was just inches from him. "You look tense," Quirinus said, reaching out and squeezing Severus's shoulders. Bad idea, Quirinus thought as the pleasure from the contact shot up his body.

He turned his back once more on Severus, pretending as though his earlier actions had never occurred.

"Don't think I'm not aware of your feelings for me." Severus's words froze Quirrell. He determinedly focused his attention on the Forbidden Forest.

"Feelings? I don't understand," Quirinus said, feigning ignorance.

"Look at me," Snape hissed. He grabbed Quirrell's chin and forced him to look back.

"There are no hidden feelings for you, Severus," Quirinus said, struggling to keep his mounting dread at bay.

"Don't lie! I see it in your mind!"

The retort died in Quirrell's throat. Their eyes stayed locked for what seemed like an eternity. Severus was digging deep, burrowing further and further into his mind, but Quirrell never fought to break the eye contact. He was trapped; one part of him was scared of what could happen next, but another part, somewhere deep inside him, was yearning for Severus to be inside him in any way possible, to fill him completely...

Quirinus wasn't aware when they had kissed and for how long. Everything had become a blur of carnal desires and tangled bodies, with his vow of celibacy abandoned along with his clothes.

The following morning Quirinus awoke alone in his bed. Severus wasn't anywhere in his private rooms or his office. He had gathered his stack of papers, books, and quills and left. The office seemed strangely empty without Severus's presence and belongings.

*

Severus never sat with Quirinus at the Great Hall again. He pretended Quirinus wasn't there. They never spoke.

As he passed Quirinus in the halls and never glanced in his direction, a vile bitterness boiled inside Quirinus, threatening to consume him. He was such a fool.

Severus had used him.

~ Full Bloom ~

"I wish to take a year off Hogwarts," Quirinus said, keeping his face calm as he spoke with Professor Dumbledore. "I've believe it's time for me to get hands-on experience outside the school. As you know of my interest in Defense Against the Dark Arts, I would be honored to transfer my post to this subject when I return."

Professor Dumbledore regarded him carefully. "You wish to take up the Defense Against the Dark Arts post?"

"Yes, Headmaster," Quirinus said. "It's a passion of mine. We've had unfortunate deaths and illnesses creeping up on every professor. I, however, am still young and in excellent health. I won't die on you." He gave the professor a small smile.

"You are one of the most brilliant on the subject," Professor Dumbledore said, nodding. "However, I do require some experience in fighting the Dark Arts from my Defense professors."

"Then allow me to take one year off, to put my knowledge to practical use," Quirinus said eagerly.

*

Quirinus left Professor Dumbledore's office, feeling victorious. He passed Severus, but neither spoke a word. Quirinus hoped Professor Dumbledore had not noticed and wouldn't investigate the situation.

Severus desired the Defense post; Quirinus would snatch it out from under his nose.

*

The spirit had come to him during his stay at Romania. Quirinus had not lit any candle that night. So beautiful was the sky that he wished to have only the stars and first quarter moon as his company.

My good lad, would you be so kind to allow me a place to rest?

Quirinus turned in the direction of the voice, but he did not see anyone. He had been lodging deep in the forest; no one could have found the small cottage so late at night...

"Who are you?" Quirinus demanded. His fingers clasped around his wand.

Put away your wand...I am not able to hurt you...I am too weak...I need another wizard's support...

Intrigued, Quirinus sought out the wizard. "Where are you?"

Just a spirit...hold still...

Quirinus tensed, ready to fight. Suddenly he felt a warm gust of wind surround his wandless hand. It wasn't unpleasant; quite the contrary, the contact filled him with an emotion he thought he had lost...

*

The spirit captivated Quirinus, mind, body, and soul. They conversed deep into the nights, the spirit filling Quirinus's mind with profound philosophies that moved and excited him. After the calamity of his friendship with another man, Quirinus more than welcomed the phantom's company. He was without a fellow wizard, yet never lonely.

He was loved. Quirinus did not think it possible, but the spirit had filled him with a warmth Severus never had. It was trust, an understanding. The spirit mingled with his soul, an intimacy deeper than anything he had ever shared with Severus.

"I am worried Professor Dumbledore will not give me the Defense post," Quirinus confessed to the spirit the night before his return to Hogwarts. "If only there was a way to convince him to give the post to me. It's crucial that I take this post!"

I know of a way.

The spirit whispered plans into Quirinus's ear. Entranced, Quirinus agreed.

~ Pollination ~

Quirinus Quirrell's return to Hogwarts astounded everyone. No longer a shy yet hospitable young man, Quirinus constantly quivered and stuttered whenever he spoke.

"Quirinus, what has happened to you?" Professor Dumbledore demanded, leading the ashen-faced Quirinus to a chair next to his desk.

"V-v-vampires!" Quirinus squeaked, quivering madly. "H-h-h-hags! T-t-terrible, t-t-terrible!"

Denied the Defense post, Quirinus returned to teaching Muggle Studies. He flinched each time an electrical gadget made an odd sound, nearly fainted every time a student asked a question. His popularity among the students diminished as adoration was replaced with concern and pity.

"Wotcher, Professor!" Nymphadora Tonks called out once in the halls. Shrieking, Quirinus dropped his books and the walkman he was going to show the class that day. "Gosh, sorry!" she said, alarmed at his trembling. She made to help him, but then decided against it.

Quirinus was not at all bothered by the reputation he received at the school. In his private room, he laughed heartily with his spirit friend at their dirty little game. The spirit, growing stronger, had taken on a cloudy greenish form. It coiled itself around Quirinus's neck like a snake.

Soon... the spirit promised. Soon, the post will be yours...

*

In February came a terrible tragedy; the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor was found dead in her office, a suicide note next to the body. Her hand still held onto used narcotic injections. It was reported that she had given herself an extremely high dosage.

Quirinus knew the real story behind her death. He felt no remorse. It was just as the spirit had taught him. There is no good and evil; there is only power. It all made sense to him. Power, like the electricity that ran through the wires of Muggle contraptions. Power, like the neurotransmitters firing through the brain. Power, like the force running a machine. Power continued life. Life required power. To get the post, Quirinus needed more power.

The plan had worked. Quirinus offered to substitute for the class, and after one week, the post became his. After the news of the tragic death was known across the wizarding world, it was easier to find a professor for Muggle Studies than one for Defense Against the Dark Arts.

Severus was livid.

"Professor Quirrell has demonstrated that he is superb at his work," Quirinus overheard Professor Dumbledore telling Severus. "You are an excellent Potions Master. Why change positions?"

*

"I cannot thank you enough," Quirinus told the spirit as the school year drew to a close.

There is only one condition... the spirit said, its phantom hands roaming down Quirinus's body, caressing him. There is a favor I want you to do for me...

Quirinus promised anything.

~ Wilting ~

When did everything spiral into chaos?

Quirinus was devoted to the spirit - his lover - and when he had heard how he could give the spirit corporal form, he eagerly leapt at the opportunity.

He had never wanted this.

He never knew the spirit was Lord Voldemort until he was possessed. So enamored was he by the man's ideology that by the time Quirinus learnt of the spirit's identity, he couldn't back away. It was too late. He was trapped.

When Harry Potter entered his first year of Hogwarts, Quirinus donned a purple turban to cover the sinister excrescence that resided and grew in the back of his head. To anyone who questioned him, Quirinus gave the same reply: an African prince had presented him the turban in gratitude of his work on banishing a zombie. He never specified the details. Using stories of zombies and vampires allowed him to get away with filling his turban with garlic, all in effort to disguise the ghastly smell that came from his turban.

It seemed like no one suspected anything odd was going on with him.

No one except for Severus Snape.

On the Start of Term feast, Severus was back to making conversation with Quirinus, something that both startled him and revived old feelings. Quirinus avoided Severus's eyes, remembering all too well what had happened the last time Severus peered into his mind.

"You are hiding something," Severus hissed at him before they left to their private rooms.

"I-I-I-I don't k-k-k-know what y-y-y-you're talking about, S-S-S-Severus," Quirinus said, nervously laughing.

"Don't play this crap with me," Severus said. "I know you too well. You are hiding something from us." When Quirinus didn't respond, Snape added, "I will be keeping a close eye on you, Quirinus."

*

"What should I do?" Quirinus asked, trembling violently while he paced in his private room.

"We eliminate anyone who gets in the way of our plans," Voldemort replied coldly.

"No!" Quirinus gasped. "Not Severus! Don't kill him!"

"I see that you haven't lost feelings for the man after everything he's done to you. Fool! Those who love are weak!"

"I'm not weak!" Quirrell protested while his knees buckled together. "I will do anything you say, but please, don't harm him!"

His pleas infuriated Voldemort. Every little mistake Quirinus made was severely punished. As the winter months passed, the prospect of stealing the Philosopher's Stone became more real, more terrible, and more horrifying.

Quirinus lost every drop of love he had for Lord Voldemort. Gone were the nights when the spirit's ghostly arms wrapped around him, with phantom kisses showering his face and body. No longer did he feel safe, loved, and wanted but cold, isolated, and frightened.

*

"You don't want me as your enemy, Quirrell," Severus said, taking a step towards him, his dark eyes never leaving Quirinus. Quirinus risked looking back into the dark eyes, wishing Severus would look inside him. Too often he came close to breaking down and revealing everything to the ever-vigilant Severus, who continually interrogated him at the oddest and most unexpected occasions. His desire to reach out to Severus was drowned by the torment that Voldemort inflicted on him with every blunder of the plan.

*

Harry Potter once caught him exiting an abandoned classroom. Quirinus held back the tears that threatened to fall just long enough so that the boy didn't see him cry. Afterwards, Harry always looked up at him with a kind smile, innocent of what Quirrell - no, Lord Voldemort - had planned for him.

~ Death ~

It was the boy who killed him, his body protected by a powerful shield, a quintessential innocence.

"You were a fool, Quirinus," Professor Dumbledore said as he studied the broken body on the ground, shaking his head gravely.

"It was Potter!" Quirinus rasped, still in agony of the blistering pain on his face, hands, and arms. "I never wanted to harm him. I only did as my master ordered me, but it was never out of loyalty."
"Out of fear," Professor Dumbledore said. "Yes, I've seen this before. I would gather most of his servants serve him only out of fear. Severus was the only man I had known to be brave enough to break from Voldemort's clutches."

"Severus," Quirinus gasped, his eyes widening. "He, too, was a servant?"

"A Death Eater, highly respected by Voldemort," Professor Dumbledore explained. "But he came to our side shortly before Voldemort's fall."

"He never told me," Quirinus whispered. A new pain was searing through him. Voldemort's spirit no longer possessed him, but rather than feeling liberated, he was rapidly deteriorating. He couldn't move his limbs, his head felt heavier...his breathing was slowing down...

He was dying.

"Severus would much rather forget his past mistakes," Professor Dumbledore's words drifted towards Quirinus as though it was coming from far away. "Much like what had happened between you and Severus years ago. I know all about it, Quirinus. Severus feared that he had taken advantage of you. That was the real reason why he stopped spending time with you; he couldn't face what he had done. But please understand that he never meant to hurt you. He still cares for you, even now."

The words stabbed him. After everything he, Quirinus, had done to Severus...

"Severus...no..." A single tear trickled down his face, soon followed by more tears. He couldn't stop them, ashamed of crying in front of the headmaster. He was back in Auntie Queenie's summer home, crying as she warned him of his interest in the piano instructor.

He suddenly couldn't remember how his aunt looked. Everything was fading...Professor Dumbledore's face was gradually becoming a blur before him. The pain all around his body seemed to have disappeared. He couldn't even feel the tears.

Dying wasn't painful at all, he realized. He was drifting back to sleep.

Through half-closed eyes, he saw the headmaster move closer and tap his wand to Quirinus's temple. Images flashed before his eyes. He was studying Severus's profile while they worked together in Quirinus's office...he was staring at Severus, stunned at hearing him laugh, a rare occasion indeed...his arm was lazily rested across Severus's body, both nude under the sheets...

*

"Have you ever listened to a piano quartet before, Severus?" Quirinus asked while the tips of his fingers brushed along the smooth white keys. He thought Severus looked funnily out of place, the only thing dressed in black in the bright sun room. The sunrays filled the room with a warm glow.

"Never was interested in music," Severus said in a bored tone.

"Strangely enough, never was I," Quirinus said, studying the white piano in front of them. "But, let me play a song for you."

Severus smirked as a short, joyful song filled the room. "Trying to impress me, Quirinus?"

"Perhaps," Quirinus replied with a small smile. He suspected that the Potions Master wasn't paying attention to the song; rather, his eyes followed Quirinus's hands as they seemingly glided over the piano keys.

Quirinus would have it no other way.