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ROX ([info]rox_anne) wrote in [info]houseofgaunt,
@ 2008-08-20 02:38:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:antonin dolohov, roxanne weasley

WHO: Roxanne and Antonin
WHAT: Threadwhorage Finally getting rid of Jacinda/alone time!
WHEN: August 19, 3000
WHERE: Their new place!
RATING/STATUS: G/Incomplete


There was finally a plan to get rid of Jacinda, and Roxanne couldn't wait to get her out. The girl would finally be gone and Roxanne and her family would be safe. And she could have Antonin's full attention back. Not much of his attention was focused on their visitor, but enough that she noticed, and she noticed he had been distracted. Roxanne was a rather selfish girl, and she didn't like it, not when things were good between them. So she was both relieved and happy to finally have him to herself. And he wanted her to stay, which pleased her as well. Antonin's protective nature reminded her a lot of her brother, who had always been the one to try and keep her out of trouble (not that it had done much good), and now it was Antonin that was taking care of her. And she rather liked it.

Once they'd left Jacinda behind and arrived at their new place, which was only temporary, until they decided exactly where to go, Roxanne dumped her bag on the bed in the room she was going to use and, but went back out to the main room and lay sprawled out on the couch, taking up nearly the whole thing. She called out when he came back into the room.

"Hey Antonin? How long d'you wanna stay here?"

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[info]scarmedarling
2008-08-20 03:29 am UTC (link)
Antonin and Rabastan had finally come to an agreement on the terms of Jacinda's release and as he had promised the girl he allowed her to send an owl to her knight in shining armor and he and Roxanne had abandoned her in their old temporary home with food for two days, leaving that problem and the country very effectively behind. Antonin hadn't let Roxanne know where they were going still and frankly she'd really stopped asking or remembering to ask and that suited him well because he'd hate to tell her that she couldn't know because he wasn't willing to share it. The only thing important to understand was that she was safe.. and no harm would come to her so long as he could help it. She seemed content with that though and it pleased him. Greatly.

And though Rabastan had agreed to attempt to dissuade Bellatrix from her rampages Antonin had not become any less lax on their protection and was just returning from setting the wards around the house as usual when Roxanne popped out with her first question. She was good for those and it pleased Antonin a lot, her curiosity was always endearing even if she didn't like or truly appreciate some of the answers he gave her. Now though, he removed his coat and draped it over the back of a chair that was in better shape than some of the ones they'd used previously, and neared her before answering, "A week maybe," he said softly and reached out to touch her ankle briefly.

"It's not a suitable permanent residence but I'm looking for one, it shouldn't take long."

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[info]rox_anne
2008-08-20 03:56 am UTC (link)
Roxanne, being the relaxed and friendly girl she was, delighted in the apparent ease he now felt in her presence--an ease that showed itself in brief touches and nearness. It was no longer weird or unexpected, as she was used to his ways now, and she accepted them as just things he did. Even her brother used to just sit and hold her hand sometimes. Besides, she liked physical contact with people. It was comforting and comfortable.

"Where will we go next? And when d'you want to go see your family's home? We could do that while we're here, if you wanted. I have something new I want to work on, but it can wait, or I can just start and stop it, doesn't bother me." While she was speaking, Roxanne pulled her legs up closer to her body in case he wanted to sit on that cushion and turned over on her side to face the room.

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[info]scarmedarling
2008-08-20 05:00 am UTC (link)
His family's home... had it ever been a family home? Not that he could ever recall, it wasn't truly home either, rather just a place that he returned to after school and inhabited those years before Azkaban. No, it wasn't a family home at all, it was just... there. Antonin slid down onto the cushion made available to him and peered at Roxanne in curiosity even though he wasn't really seeing her. No, instead his mind was drifting through those deep vaults of his memory and dragging forth odd sensations and certain senses that triggered thoughts and induced emotions from that bygone age.. But once that sound of gentle laughter and a shrill giggling squeal touched his ears Antonin shut it off. Those doors closed and the smile that had unknowingly come to his face faded and he truly did look at Roxanne.

"Soon," he responded numbly and rubbed at his arm to keep his hands from noticeably trembling. "In a few days.. just enough time to settle here before we go tramping about the country side.. we're close enough to make it there in a day or so.. but I'm not quite.. ready." He said distractedly and pushed himself to his feet as he was wont to do when he couldn't think straight. He paced towards a mirror and looked at his own reflection, his eyes seeing and yet not seeing while he fought internally to control his mind again and reign in those wild thoughts.

Sometimes it was just so.. impossible. Antonin tore his eyes away and faced Roxanne again with that normal neutral expression in place.

"What is it that you want to work on?"

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[info]rox_anne
2008-08-21 12:09 am UTC (link)
It was an interesting thing to be outside of Antonin's head and to be able to watch him. Roxanne didn't fully understand what was going on with him, nor did she pretend she did, so she watched him with a curious look. It wasn't the first time she'd said something to make him retreat into himself like that, and she was sure it wouldn't be the last. She didn't know what he saw with his mind's eye, or why he was gently smiling at her, or even why he shook it off and stood. He was agitated, that much she could tell. She reasoned that he must have been remembering something from his home; they seemed to be pleasant memories, but if they were, why would he so readily shove them away?

"Okay," she responded. He needed time. That she could give him, as she had nowhere besides Sirius's to go. And he wouldn't be going anywhere, so the lot of them could wait, although she did want to go back and see her family.

"Nothing too complicated; I've just got a picture in my head that I want to paint. I was inspired by the colour of Jacinda's eyes. I just hope I'll be able to get it right." Roxanne always called her work "projects" until they were finished and sold. After that she referred to it all as her work.

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[info]scarmedarling
2008-08-21 03:06 am UTC (link)
Antonin looked at her with a true interest when she explained a bit of her project. "Jacinda's eyes," he repeated faintly and neared her again, compulsively rubbing his fingertips against his palm for a second before sliding his hands into his pockets in search of the second lock of hair he'd taken from their previously abandoned temporary companion. He withdrew it from his pocket and stroked at it for a second and casually as ever retook his proffered seat, brown eyes focused on the pale locks very intently until he remembered where they were and who was with him. He looked up at Roxanne slowly and offered the faintest of smiles and quietly put his precious piece of hair away.

"Do you need supplies?" he asked softly and once again reached out to press his fingers against her ankle. It was an odd thing for him to do but it had become more natural over the weeks they'd spent together, he'd become more used to her company and in a way relished it. The feel of her skin against his fingers was comforting and warm.. She was warm and solid and very real. Her presence grounded him, it.. it made him feel normal for the first time in a very long while and these gentle touches were the only way he could conceive to express that side of himself because oft times the words failed him. He hated being so distracted or uncertain around her so it was best if he didn't speak his uncertain words at all.

Antonin pulled his hand away after a long moment, his eyes scanning her visage and over her hair slowly. "Come here."

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[info]rox_anne
2008-08-21 04:00 am UTC (link)
Jacinda was right to be creeped out by the lock of hair that Antonin had of hers, because Roxanne would probably feel the same way if it were hers, although he wouldn't have to pet a lock because she was there and he could touch her hair if he wanted to. However, it did not creep her out because it was just another part of him. It was just something he did. So she just waited for him to return to her, and when he did, she returned his smile.

"Nope, I don't think so. I've got enough paint in my bag, and I'm pretty sure I've got the brushes I'll need; if I need more, I know I've got 'em at home, so I can just pop there and get them." If Roxanne had known the extent of the effect her presence had on him, she would have been very pleased indeed; the fact that she made him feel normal and brought out a better side of him would have been enough to make her stay with him as long as she had that effect on him.

When he told her to move closer, Roxanne had little idea what it was about, for why he was looking at her so. However, she did as instructed and sat up, swinging her feet around to the floor. Her new position was much closer to him, but there was still several inches of space between them. Her brows furrowed a little in confusion as she asked, "What is it?"

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[info]scarmedarling
2008-08-21 04:12 am UTC (link)
He didn't answer her, not right away and not in any verbal form, instead he just reached out and gently curled his fingers around her upper arm and reached around her back to do the same to the other shoulder and easily pull her the short distance between them, effectively closing the gap and once she was settled against his chest he let go her shoulders and reached up to push his fingers through her soft, pretty hair. It was so silky and thick and beautiful.. He stroked the pale locks very gently and tentatively ducked his head down to press his nose in against the tresses, taking in the sweet smell of them. It was like diving into a flower bed with a faint tinge of fruit. It had a faint musk to it, of sweat and lavenders and strawberries all wrapped in one.

He gave a content sigh and idly rubbed his cheek against the soft locks, carefully stroking his fingers through it and curling the length around his digits for a slight tug and quick release. He needed a brush...

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[info]rox_anne
2008-08-21 04:32 am UTC (link)
What....oh. That was rather...unexpected. Roxanne hadn't known what to expect him to do, but it definitely wasn't move her. She was too surprised to do anything but move with him until she was leaning against him. She almost asked what he was doing, but that was answered when she felt his hands in her hair. So that's what the look had been about. He liked her hair. That was fine, as long as he didn't want a lock of it; she didn't want to have to cut it because he wanted to pet it, not when he could touch it any time he wanted since she lived there.

She sighed softly and let her head drop to the side to rest against the back of the couch. It had been years since someone had played with her hair, not since the last time her mum had done it; Angelina had done it all the time when Roxanne had been a little girl, and she had always loved it. It was relaxing; she didn't even mind him smelling it (it did smell very good, actually).

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[info]scarmedarling
2008-08-21 04:52 am UTC (link)
It was so peaceful and odd but at the same time very oddly comforting. Such a long time had passed since Antonin had shared one these moments with anyone and the sensation that it induced.. the emotion, was enthralling, it was bizarre and new and yet... so terribly familiar and old. But it was pleasant.. so much so. He pulled back from the deep smell and idly drew his wand to conjure a soft edged brush, setting his wand aside and lightly readjusted Roxanne's position so that he could pick up the tool he'd conjured and lightly brush it through her hair and smooth it over her shoulders and down her back, carefully setting up a slow rhythm of relaxing motions.

He didn't say anything because there was nothing that needed to be expressed in his mind, not verbally, this was enough, her explicit trust and the sheer fact that she had learned to accept him enough not to challenge or fear any of the things he did. She didn't flinch anymore or give him that weird look, she didn't protest. That made him smile even though she couldn't see it.

"Sweet girl," he whispered quietly, "thank you... for.. this." Whatever this was was for her own individual perception.

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[info]rox_anne
2008-08-21 05:09 am UTC (link)
"For what?" Roxanne asked, her eyes still closed. She wanted to turn her head enough to look at Antonin, but having her hair brushed made her entirely too lazy and relaxed. She could have fallen asleep like this, and had, in fact, one time. Along with simply playing with the locks of hair, her mother had spent hours brushing her hair, especially when she was afraid, such as after a particularly frightening nightmare. It felt so nice to have someone brush her hair again, and all she could do was sit there with her knees up against her chest and her arms draped over them; she could not see why he would be thanking her, as he couldn't possibly be enjoying it more than she was.

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[info]scarmedarling
2008-08-21 04:16 pm UTC (link)
He hesitated and his brushing of her hair paused momentarily and he almost lowered his hands and fled from her.. but there was something inside of him that wouldn't convince his body to move, and quietly without really thinking of his answer Antonin responded, "...for staying with me." And that was the closest he'd ever come to explicitly revealing any sort of emotion outside of his blatant obsessions with people. It was the closest he'd ever come to telling her how much he truly adored her and appreciated her presence here. She was so.. so free and innocent and everything that Antonin wasn't and would never be.

She was everything he envied in those deep dark places of his mind but he knew that he had no desire to destroy that. Not with her. She was too special now to take that part of herself away. Antonin smiled faintly and continued with his idle playing with her hair, once again touching the brush to it.

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[info]rox_anne
2008-08-22 06:28 am UTC (link)
To say that Roxanne knew about the effect she had on Antonin would be both a truth and a lie. She had indeed noticed the change in him, though it was subtle; he no longer questioned her desire to keep people alive and safe, and even did as she asked in regards to that. She knew that her asking him not to do those things had something to do with the fact that he did not do them (as far as she knew, anyway), but she did not attribute that to her presence. The fact that she inhibited him from doing those things she did not approve of had been part of the reason she had thought he would not have wanted her to stay; the other part was mostly her insecurities about herself. So Roxanne understood that she helped him, but she had no clue how, why, or to what extent. But that small amount of knowledge alone was enough to keep her where she was.

"You could have just asked," she said quietly. "I'd have stayed if you'd asked." Antonin wasn't the type of guy who would ask for that, and she knew it, so the fact that he didn't wasn't a surprise; however, because she knew that, had the question been asked, she knew that it would not have been asked lightly.

But if Antonin wasn't careful, he'd have a sleeping Roxanne on his hands.

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[info]scarmedarling
2008-08-22 08:49 pm UTC (link)
She'd have stayed if he'd asked? He was too afraid that she would say no if he did, not that that thought had actually occurred to him but it was a lingering presence of doubt that rumbled in the back recesses of his mind and occasionally made itself known. It pleased him though, to know that she wanted to stay, it was a comforting notion that she too would not leave him. Antonin pushed those sentiments aside and idly brushed her hair for a short moment longer before setting the tool aside and carefully reaching up to push the blonde locks over her shoulder and lightly touch his fingers to her back. He stroked it in a few light movements then gave it a slight tap to indicate that she could move and lay back down.

He almost thanked her for letting him touch it but stopped before the words could even form in his throat. Antonin shifted and rose from the couch to wander close to the front window and peer through the rugged curtains into the open, his eyes scanning the yard then drifting further down the road where the little town was. It was a small population considering the times and their location but it was large enough to entertain Roxanne if she got the courage to go into it alone and take a look around. He busied himself with that thought and eventually turned around to look at her, a sad expression flitting over his features.

"She-" he paused and looked at his hands with interest, "she died," he said and sighed softly, "Katya."

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[info]rox_anne
2008-08-23 03:14 am UTC (link)
Roxanne did not immediately go back to her previous position on the couch; she was much too comfortable as she was, and much too relaxed. She turned her head towards Antonin as he left her, and lazily watched him as he looked out the window. When he turned back, he looked sad, and Roxanne frowned.

"Katya's a pretty name; who was she?" This was really the first personal thing Antonin had said to her, and she was trying to tread lightly, hoping not to scare him or make him retreat back into himself. If that happened, who knew how long it would be before he said anything else?

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[info]scarmedarling
2008-08-23 03:30 pm UTC (link)
He looked agitated, he was agitated and it showed by the nervous way that he rubbed at his palms and fingers, almost as if there was dirt on his hands.. or blood that he was trying to get off with his fingernails. He stared at the limbs with a horrified expression and exhaled a rugged, heavy breath, uncertain about what to do but wanting to wash them. He swallowed back his bile and looked at Roxanne, using her presence as am anchor to pull him into reality. He curled his fingers into fists and sighed softly, bowing his head and closing his eyes briefly.

"Katya," he said evenly and smiled slightly, forcing his brown eyes up to Roxanne's face, "It means... pure.. innocent," he said and stepped towards Roxanne slowly, reaching out with his dirty hand to touch her face, but he stopped before he could, not wanting to foul her with his bloody fingers. "She was my sister," he said quietly and lowered his hand to his side. "She was so.. precious, so sweet and free, my dear little girl," he said and looked at Roxanne straight in her eyes and very slowly sank to his knees, reaching out to Roxanne to place his hands on the crux where knee and thigh came together and pressed his brow against her thigh and exhaled a shaky breath.

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[info]rox_anne
2008-08-23 10:13 pm UTC (link)
Roxanne had never seen Antonin like this. The more agitated he got, the more worried and concerned she became. It upset her to see people upset or hurting, and something was definitely upsetting him. Her eyes were wide, and she realised she was afraid, but of what she didn't know.

"I'm sorry," she said very softly, laying a comforting arm across his shoulders as he pressed his face into her leg. She was better at comforting women than men, simply because women generally responded better to it, and they usually appreciated it more. And Antonin was different from most men anyway, so she was unsure what she could do.

"How old was she?" Roxanne could not hold back her curiosity. Perhaps it was a recent thing, or had been at the time of his death, or maybe it had been particularly tragic; whatever it was, it was still upsetting him terribly and she didn't like that.

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[info]scarmedarling
2008-08-24 12:27 am UTC (link)
He didn't say anything, didn't really move either but instead just kept his brow pressed against her leg, concentrating on calming his breathing and forcing aside those sweet old sentiments... those rampant emotions that did more harm than good to his psyche. It was always so painful to think of Katya, always so murderous. And yet part of Antonin's mind screamed his fury at him, drilled it into his inner ear that he did it. He killed her. It was no accident... it was not fate. It was murder. Cold blooded murder of an innocent girl, a child. Antonin exhaled sharply and murmured a quiet prayer to himself and slowly sat back to form a brief cross in midair and that's moment silent giving of himself to God eased him but did not cast aside that raging guilt any less.

With a heavy sigh he swallowed back the lump in his throat and peered with his sad eyes up at his new girl. His companion. "She was twelve years old," he said quietly and lowered his eyes again. "But I remember her when she was only six.. in her summer dresses, with her yellow hair," he said and smiled to himself. "She was so beautiful for being such a small thing."

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[info]rox_anne
2008-08-24 06:06 pm UTC (link)
Yellow hair...that could explain his fixation with blonde hair. Roxanne could tell from his tone that he had loved that little girl a lot, but he spoke with as much sadness as reverence, and she wondered if it was more than just her premature death. All young deaths were sad for her; twelve was such a young age to die, and it actually made Roxanne sad, not just sympathetic, but actually sad. It was a tragedy.

She sat there, gazing at him with sad eyes, wondering about the pain in his own, as she reached out to brush her fingers over his shoulder, then drop her arm back down over the edge of the couch.

"You must have loved her very much. How'd she die?" In her quest to understand, Roxanne could not fathom that asking that simple question might cause him pain, or that he might answer her with the truth; she simply thought it was some accident or illness, something he might think to be his fault but that he couldn't have helped at all. She also thought that talking about it might help, as would telling someone else; it seemed hard enough for him to tell her, and as he was the silent type, she did not think he had told many people, if anyone at all, about her.

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[info]scarmedarling
2008-08-24 06:44 pm UTC (link)
He did love her, Katya, though love was not a word that ever found itself amongst Antonin's vocabulary, the concept of love was lost on him, it wasn't something that he understood. There was only obsession and adoration and possession. No love, not even friendship. Antonin peered at Roxanne and in wake of that profound sense of sadness there was a spark of curiosity that flared behind his brown eyes... and a moments further pain at that look he found on Roxanne's face. Her own sorrow at his inner pain threatened to undo him and so with an effort he pushed it back with a low, controlled exhale of breath.

Once his breathing was even again and he could think clearly he looked back up into her pretty eyes and summoned the smallest of smiles, but one of a that silent sadness. "She drowned," he said quietly and looked back down at his hands, "I tried to save her... she was so sick.. so tiny. She was such a little thing and so frail in my hands." He fell silent at that and shrugged a shoulder, that neutral expression returning to his face and quietly he rose to his feet and reached out to brush Roxanne's hair from her face.

"I regret that she never had the chance to become a woman.. and I hate that those who do have the chance to live destroy it. Good people die and the bad ones... we live and never truly appreciate the life we've been given." He said in a stony voice then finally forced himself to turn away from Roxanne, a soft sigh escaping him.

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[info]rox_anne
2008-08-30 02:58 am UTC (link)
Roxanne did not immediately put his beliefs about wasting life together with that particular thing he did, but later, when she was alone and replaying the conversation in her mind, then she would put the pieces together. But for the moment, she had no idea. She was more concerned about the whole effect it had on Antonin, anyway, than putting puzzle pieces together.

"How old were you?" she could not help asking. Age had a lot to do with traumatic events, and the failed attempt to save a sibling from death definitely hell into that category of traumatic, which would have been made worse if he had been old enough and strong enough to save her but hadn't been able to.

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[info]scarmedarling
2008-08-30 03:15 am UTC (link)
Her questions were so simple and yet they ripped at Antonin's heart and his psyche as effectively as Katya's memory did. It unnerved him and threatened to undo him as quickly as her sadness did. He shivered and thrust his hands back into his pockets to keep them from shaking again. He couldn't force himself to look at Roxanne, neither could he manage to summon the voice to answer her right away. He just stared off at the far wall and internally struggled not to drag up that memory of Katya's fateful... final day. She had known something wasn't right with Antonin, she'd confronted it but he assured her nothing was wrong, assured her everything would be alright when he lifted her into his arms and whisked her out of the house and across the lawn to the pond.. She'd been so delighted to see the flowers starting to bloom again and hear the sound of the song birds in the trees.

Antonin tore his mind from that path with some effort and exhaled a shaky breath for what must have been the hundredth time. He moistened his lips and looked over his shoulder at Roxanne, there were no tears on his face but the expression he wore was as good as. "I was sixteen," he whispered quietly. "Old enough to see... to realize how foolish... old enough to stop it, to save her. But I didn't--I couldn't."

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[info]rox_anne
2008-08-30 03:31 am UTC (link)
Oh sod it, Roxanne thought. She'd just have to get up and go to him. She could see from the way he was standing that he was far from alright, and it was probably from all her questioning, her bringing up the painful memories of his past. And he was still just a kid when she'd died, old enough to have been able to do something about it, but somehow unable to. It was terrible, possibly the worst story she'd ever heard; it nearly had her crying and it wasn't even her story. She stood, determined to make it stop, and walked swiftly over to him and did what she had talked herself out of doing earlier. She hugged him.

A hug probably wouldn't do as much good for him as it would for her, but it would hopefully still help some; she'd never met anyone, save Bellatrix Lestrange, in all honesty, that couldn't have benefited from a hug here and there, and especially when they were upset. This was why women liked hugs; they were often upset, but hugs made everything better. Always.

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[info]scarmedarling
2008-08-30 03:46 am UTC (link)
Needless to say he hadn't been expecting that particular act. He hadn't thought she'd extend herself so far or indeed that he would react to it.. but it seemed he had been foolish to think such a thing on either front. It was a pleasant surprise and she was terribly warm, solid.. real and so very alive. Antonin closed his eyes and pressed his nose in against Roxanne's hair while silently steeling his heart so that he would not cry. Tears were as foreign as the concept of love was, they just didn't happen with him and he really refused it somewhere in those deep unconscious vaults of his mind.

Antonin curled his arms around Roxanne's slender frame and held her close, reveling in her touch and the very way it made him feel human again. It was such a rare moment in his life that Antonin ever felt anything that wasn't part of his sickness but it seemed that when she was around.. when Antonin was with Roxanne these moments happened more and more often, he didn't understand it.. didn't try to really but it was so different and he enjoyed it.

Dolohov curled his fingers into Roxanne's hair gently and for the first time since she'd come to live with him he touched a very chaste kiss to her pale locks of silky tresses. It wasn't romantic, it wasn't meant to be.. it was one of few ways that Antonin could ever express that underlying emotion that roiled beneath his skin.

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[info]rox_anne
2008-09-03 03:00 pm UTC (link)
It made Roxanne feel good that Antonin seemed comforted by her. The change that had happened in him…it was encouraging, to say the least. Before, when she’d met him, he was cold and rigid and very distant, but now…now, he was telling her things, confiding in her, and much more…well, he was practically affectionate to her. The pet names had always been there, as had the touching of her hair, but now it was less creepy and more and idle gesture. She had no idea how he could not feel, as she felt everything, but she would have been ecstatic to know that she pushed that numbness away.

Tears had threatened to spill from her own eyes, and it wasn’t even her story or her past. Roxanne did not always understand her “bleeding heart,” but it wasn’t something she could change. And especially now, she did not want to. Antonin had finally warmed up to her, probably as much now as he was ever going to be, and she wouldn’t give it away for any reason.

“It’s okay,” she whispered, the side of her head flat against this chest. “I’m sure she wouldn’t blame you at all.” As Roxanne did not know the whole story, and that was for the best for the moment, she was sure that the girl would have forgiven him for something that he had not been able to stop. Surely she would realise that he’d have saved her if he could have.

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[info]scarmedarling
2008-09-04 05:44 pm UTC (link)
He had no answer for that other than soft mirthless sort of laughter, disbelieving in that idea. She might forgive him, she might understand but Antonin could see Katya's sorrow so plainly in his mind's eye, he could see that look in her bright eyes and the way her sad, judging tears would roll down her gaunt little cheeks. She would shake her head at him and whisper in her girlish little voice, "Oh Antonin, dear Tony why did you do it?" and it would destroy what was left of his corrupt soul.

"She would pity me for being a devil when she is an angel," he said quietly and remarkably pulled back from Roxanne's friendly hug. Antonin pushed his fingers through her pretty hair then framed her thin face in his hands, brushing the tips of his fingers across the high points of her cheek bones. He remained like that for a moment while mentally forcing away those sentimental musings and rebuilding that iron fortress that defended his mind from itself, turning back into that robotic creature that displayed no inner emotion.

"One day I will tell you the whole story and then you'll see," he said softly then let her go.

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[info]rox_anne
2008-09-06 02:53 pm UTC (link)
Roxanne could see him shutting himself down and locking it all away again, but there was nothing she could do to stop it. She couldn't make him trust her with his secrets, or make him tell her of his past, or even make him feel better, it seemed. And it hurt her a little to be unable to help him, especially after everything he'd done for her, but she couldn't help everyone, right? It disappointed her, now that she'd seen the error of her ways of her previous life, how all her decisions had hurt her family indirectly, and now all she wanted to do was make up for it.

She let him pull back, away from her, and she tried not to let her disappointment show; it wasn't for him, but for herself, and her inability to help him. But she couldn't let him talk about himself like that.

"You're not a devil," she said. "Devils don't have any goodness at all; they're cruel, and just want to hurt and laugh at people. And I know for a fact that's not how you are."

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[info]scarmedarling
2008-09-06 04:13 pm UTC (link)
To hurt people and laugh at them? Is that was made a devil? Then surely Antonin was one because he hurt people.. not to laugh at him but because it pleased him to do so. It satisfied that inner darkness.. He frowned but the demeanor changed into that sad smile and he stepped away from Roxanne. "I'm glad you think so, darling girl. But I know myself and I know the people I hurt, all of them, I remember their faces sweet one. I saw them every day in Azkaban and I see them whenever I close my eyes." And that was the truth too but despite seeing them Antonin seldom lost sleep for it, he could deal with their faces and the inevitable meeting of them on the other side. This death.. his previous death had been a limbo he decided, why else would he have been able to come back through the veil?

Antonin looked over his shoulder at Roxanne and smiled more genuinely at her, "You are a beautiful person, sweet girl, I am glad to know you." And he meant it, she was one of those rare totally accepting people, a girl with no preconceptions of anyone and all too willing to believe and trust. It would get her hurt one day.. but it was also a very beautiful thing.

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[info]rox_anne
2008-09-06 08:32 pm UTC (link)
While his acceptance satisfied that level of needing to be acknowledged, it made her sad that he thought of himself in such a way. He wasn't evil or a devil or any of the things he thought he was; look what he'd done for her! He'd kept her, a stranger from harm, even though doing so put himself in the path of the storm. Surely that meant he wasn't a bad person.

"You aren't a bad person. You didn't even know me when you decided to keep me safe from Bellatrix, even though it meant she'd come after you, too. That's got to mean something, right? And you haven't hurt anyone in a while...right?" Oh, she hoped he hadn't; lately, Roxanne has subscribed to the idea that if she didn't want the answer, she wouldn't ask the question, so she hoped she wouldn't regret asking it this time.

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[info]scarmedarling
2008-09-06 09:47 pm UTC (link)
Antonin faced Roxanne again and stepped over to her, taking her little hands into his own much larger limbs to stroke his thin fingers across the back of her hands. He appreciated her confidence in him, he adored it and it did indeed make him feel marginally better but, "There is so much that you do not know, sweet girl, so much that would hurt you to understand so I won't tell you, not yet until you are ready to hear it. When you learn of those things.. well then you'll see," he finished and let go one of her hands to reach up and brush his fingers through her blonde hair in that familiar way.

"No, I've not hurt anyone since you've been with me, the urge to do it is.. lessened." But not entirely gone, he could watch a girl for a time, follow her even but the thought of taking her hostage or hurting her was always pushed away in light of Roxanne. She was just that anchor, the thing he'd always searched for that would make him human and quell the intense desire to seek vengeance. He couldn't tell her why he'd brought her here or even if her personal safety had been the entire reason for it, somewhere in the back of his mind he came to the conclusion that it was a selfish reason, something to do with saving an innocent girl from a terrible tragedy.. something to do with needing forgiveness. He didn't say any of that but merely stared down into Roxanne's pretty eyes before he turned away.

"I torture people, Roxanne.. but when I'm with you.. I don't feel the need to do it. It's like.." he paused and shrugged in his struggle to find the right words to indicate his feeling, "it's like I'm alive again and capable of making a conscious choice, I can decide if losing you will be worth the momentary pleasure of seeing someone hurt.. and it never is."

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[info]rox_anne
2008-09-08 05:32 pm UTC (link)
Roxanne listened with surprise that she didn’t even try to hide. Yes, she’d known that being with him all the time had changed him a little, but she never would have guessed the extent for her effect on him. She’d thought that he refrained from acting on those dark impulses merely because she’d asked him not to, but…it was also because he didn’t feel the need to as strongly? Roxanne slowly smiled as she absorbed the news.

“Antonin! That’s great!” Oh, she wanted to hug him. So she did. But it was brief; she didn’t know if it was too much hugging for him or not. When she stepped back, she was still grinning. What could she say? She’d stopped him from hunting and killing people, and therefore proved him to be a good person.

“You know that proves you’re a good person, right? Because you don’t give in; you stay strong. I know you don’t think so, but the past means nothing when you change. Every thing you did before goes away because you’re a different person than you were when you did them.”

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[info]scarmedarling
2008-09-08 11:38 pm UTC (link)
Antonin smiled in a more genuine manner than he had ever done before, it felt weird but it also felt sad at the same time. He exhaled a soft breath and once more stroked his fingers through her beautiful hair, pushing it back behind her ears and idly brushing the backs of his knuckles across her cheek bone in a friendly, kind gesture. She was so young and so foolish, an innocent thing of wide knowledge of the ugly places of the world and yet... she was so hopelessly optimistic and it inspired him to some degree to be less pessimistic but of course there were his own demons to consider and he would never deign to brush them off on a whim and definitely not on the word of a young girl telling him that he was no devil. He knew his sins and so knew his spirit and also his mind.

Antonin canted his head to the side as if observing Roxanne in a new and entirely different perspective, "I stay strong only because you are here with me," he said truthfully and shrugged a shoulder, "but the moment that you walk away from me, Roxanne, will be the day that I am lost again and the day in which I will find them once more and they will know pain as I feel and know it." He placed his wide hands on her shoulders in a fatherly or brotherly fashion and smiled again.

"No matter the future.. the sins of the past will never change or go away, I cannot pretend that they don't exist when I know they occurred. Because I have refused the impulse for now it does not mean that I will in the future. And to forget the past.. to forget the faces is to dishonor them, I took their lives so it is only just that my penance be to see them again and suffer the knowledge of what I've done."

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