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[06 Jul 2008|03:13pm] |
this is going to be so hard. :'(
i can't believe we're done.
i can't believe i just poured my heart out telling you how much i love you, and you don't even respond at all.
i can't believe you really DONT CARE.
i can't believe i'm about to go get my number changed so you will never hurt me again...
i can't believe im this strong.
i can't believe i'm so weak that i have to go to these lengths in the first place..
i can't believe i'm about to erase you from my life completely.
you did this.
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[01 Jul 2008|07:29pm] |
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i don't feel like you want me.
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| guilt trips and heart break |
[22 Jun 2008|05:13am] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
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How do you deal with a boyfriend that just hit you blindly in the heart with a guilt trip because you pointed out nicely something he was doing wrong?
I feel like he just shattered my heart. I feel just like my friend now when I tried to tell him she was hurt by his words but he kept claiming it was a grudge when it most certainly was not.
I want to stop crying. I really do.
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[30 May 2008|04:37pm] |
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mood |
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 loved |
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Andrew, you goober. I come back from taking my dog for a walk and heard a beep coming from my room. It was my cell phone beeping so I look to see a voicemail and it was from Andrew, just surprising me with a call to tell me he loves me and shower me with kisses. ♥
Couldnt ask for a better boyfriend.
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| It's love - there's no logic to it |
[23 May 2008|01:39pm] |
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mood |
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loved |
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I would like to write about my Prince Charming, my knight in shining armor - Drew.
Last year at this time, I was with a guy who abused me and treated me like I was the worst thing in his life. Let's call him, M. M and I had been together for almost 2 years at that point. Our anniversary was on June 21st. I wanted to reach that point so bad because everyone in our lives had been saying for a while that we weren't going to make it. I wanted to prove them all wrong, even though I knew they were right. Our relationship wasn't healthy. He told me in April, the month before, that he didn't love me anymore and wasn't sure he ever did but would like to stay with me to see if we could fix it. Then he started acting like we weren't dating anymore. He would go to work 2 hours early and would come home at 2 or 3am in the morning. I never saw him and was always in bed crying my eyes out because I missed him and the love I thought we shared.
Enter Drew on his steed. I was sitting at my temp job at Conway Trucking when he walked in. Drew was a driver for another trucking company who helped out Conway when their drivers were swamped with deliveries. From the first moment we laid eyes on each other, it was love. He even paused at my desk that very first day to talk to me but thought better of it because he might get in trouble with his boss for fraternizing with the client. I was in a relationship - good or bad - and shouldn't have been thinking about another man...especially one 11 years older than me.
We joked and flirted around at work endlessly. Everyone around us saw that we were a perfect match, but I was still holding on to M. Hoping he might turn around. One day, after M decided not to use his rent money for the rent and we were about to be evicted, Drew walked into the office and I jokingly said, "Can I move in with you?" His face brightened and he gave me his number.
I called him and we became quick friends. He would pick me up from work and take me for dinner or we'd hang out at his friend's house that he was living at. I had decided at that time to keep it strictly friendly because I didn't want to be a cheater. I thought that if M could have his girl friends and hang out with them without me, I could do the same. Unfortunately, things happened, Drew and I fell deeply in love and I kicked M out. I couldn't handle him anymore. He accused me of cheating on him, even though he had cheated on me before and I took him back. It was so aggravating to be with him that I just told him to move out.
Drew moved in shortly after and we've been inseperable since. We just celebrated our 1 year on May 16th and I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world.
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| Of love. |
[13 May 2008|06:55am] |
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mood |
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 grateful |
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This entry is dedicated to my girlfriend, Ivy.
Ivy;
I know we've had our rough spots off and on in the past years that we've known each other, but I never stopped loving you since we met. I never thought I'd fall in love.. until I met you. People say "first love[s] always die" but ours never did. You were the first true love I had and still have. I'm grateful for meeting someone like you and lucky for being your choice.
I love you for well, you. I feel as though whenever I need someone to talk to, you welcome me with an open mind and open arms. I love you so much, and who would have thought I'd ever fall in love? ..Not me.. until now.
Remember, I'll always, ALWAYS love you. We were simply meant to be.. and why go against destiny?
Love,
Eve
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| Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am whole again. |
[13 May 2008|03:41am] |
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mood |
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loved |
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music |
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Jack Off Jill | Love Song. [The Cure cover] |
] |
This entry is dedicated to my love, Eve. This song reminds me of us.. I will always love you. I know that we fight a lot at times, and that yes, we're both a bit messed up in the head, but I don't care. I love you so much that I just can't describe it in words.
But heres my best try. :3 Why do I love you? Because you've been there with me through the bad times as well as the good. You've been my rock when I needed one. [I just hope I'm the same for you.]
You are beautiful, in every single way. Your a great person, friend, and girlfriend. Even if we do break up, I will still love you. And remember this -- I will always accept you back, I will always forgive you. We can't help that people fucked us up and over to the point where we sometimes don't know how to feel love.
But it seems that we're both figuring it out through eachother, and I love you for that. You taught me how to truly love somebody. You healed me with your love and care. I love you so much; don't ever doubt that.
Always remember this entry that I posted to the whole world essentially -- I'm not shy about our love. I apologize, I've been repeating myself. But remember, I love you, okay? Don't you ever forget that. ♥
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| this song really speak to me and it describes exactly how i feel... |
[01 May 2008|09:51pm] |
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music |
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just so you know - jesse mccartney |
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Do you want me to hide the feelings and look the other way?
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[30 Mar 2008|02:34am] |
Waht would be our third Anniversary is this Tuesday.
I'm really scared.
Because we have plans to hang out that day.
I wonder if he even realized that he was making plans for that day or if it didn't even occur to him.
It probably didn't.
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[23 Mar 2008|12:57pm] |
life is going good for once
i just hope it keeps up.
he turned around, and he knows he messed up.
and now his biggest fear is doing it again.
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[19 Mar 2008|08:48pm] |
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How do you deal with distance?
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[13 Mar 2008|03:47pm] |
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How often does the other girl win and get the guy???
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[26 Feb 2008|05:26pm] |
I'm in one of the worst situations I could possibly imagine. I love my ex to pieces. And I know on some level he still loves me. I couldn't be sure what he would hope to come out of this, but whatever. At this point? Thats the least of my worries. His psycho ex called the police to press charges against him for a fight they had in which she was hitting him and he pushed her off of him... I'm so terrified of him going to jail. It would tear me to shreds and I couldn't... deal with it. We've been spending a lot more time together as a result. Both of us trying to do anything to think of something else. Trying desperately to come to terms with the possibility that he could go to jail while simultaneously trying to ignore the situation entirely is really hard. The officer who responded to the call one of her neighbors made during their fight is on vacation, and he'll have to make the call whether or not the incident is worth looking into or not. If he decides that its not worth looking into, then its done, and no court time. If he decides the want to look into it, they'll have to go to court. And... I'm just terrified. I want to spend all the time I can with him... because I'm scared of him being ripped away from me.
I guess I'm sorry that this sounds so whiny. I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed.
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[19 Feb 2008|05:42pm] |
that boy sweeney went crazy and hates my guts now. a couple nights ago he tried to hit me with his car when i was walking to my friends house.
i really did nothing but like him and be sweet and cute to him.
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[03 Feb 2008|02:54am] |
My love life is just one huge lightning rod for disappointment.
I'm so done with all of this business.
I'm tired of wanting something, getting my hopes up for it,
and then having my stupid bitchingly horrible dating karma bite me in the ass.
Forget it.
The one thing that was awesome and good in my life up and left 6 months ago.
I don't know why I didn't just give up then.
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[02 Feb 2008|10:11am] |
My ex and his new girlfriend broke up amongst a lot of drama.
They were told by her grandmother that they were to neither talk to one another nor see one another.
And she refuses to stop calling and trying to guilt him into seeing her and hanging out still.
The only advice I can give him is to ignore her messages, block her, whatever.
But he won't ever listen and he gets mad whenever I suggest that.
And then, he wants to go out, is all mopey the entire time we're at dinner & at our favorite record store.
So when I ask him if there is something he wants to talk about (because talking is usually the one thing that he says helps a lot) he says "No, its about her. I don't feel like I can tell you because it bothers you."
To which I have no response. There is only one subject that when broached I get bothered, so I have to assume it deals with that subject.
He knows that nothing he does will make me hate him, and that it's hard enough to get me mad at him that even that is unlikely.
Its just frustrating because I really want to help, but he gets so irritatingly defensive while simultaneously being helpless.
And, to top it all off, whenever we're just sitting around talking he'll start fiddling with my jewelry (even across the table at our favorite deli he did it), and he'll put his hand on my knee, and hold my hand onto his knee, etc.
This usually comes in conjunction to a comment like "you were a great girlfriend" or "i wish i'd given us a second chance" or "i couldn't have loved her like i did you" which just... frustrates me more.
Because I don't want to get chased by him at this point - I'd rather have this other boy in Boise chase me. I'm tired of being hurt by his empty words that don't match his, apparently, empty actions.
But at the same time whenever he touches me, I don't flinch. I don't know if its just because I'm used to it, or because there is still a part of me that wants him back, or what. Because either it makes me severely uncomfortable and I want to tell him no, or it makes me want more.
I dont' want to find myself in the position where I have to tell him that I don't want to be with him anymore. That I've gotten over being hurt just enough to want to pursue something else - even if this 'something else' is likely short term.
Telling him no always breaks my heart. And I'm tired of feeling broken hearted over him.
I was feeling so happy until he started telling me all of these things that I'd wanted to hear so very very badly a few months ago.
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[28 Jan 2008|02:48pm] |
Ok so yesterday wasn't a good day.
And all I wanted to do was talk to him.
He lives like a thousand miles away from me.
But he makes me feel so much better
about everything.
So when I'm on the phone with him,
why can't I just... tell him that?
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| First post/My Dream |
[27 Jan 2008|01:17pm] |
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mood |
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 dorky |
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I had the most fantastic dream last night. I can't stop thinking about it.
( Dream )
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[22 Jan 2008|09:58pm] |
So the guy I'm interested in tht lives in Boise told me today that he's going to be moving before I get out there.
He's getting a job at Ubisoft, but he needs to move to get it, I guess.
So I'm really disappointed, but at the same time you gotta do what you gotta do right?
And, well... Eh i don't know.
He said he'd be coming up to Boise frequently
& that he would be there when I moved, he'd make sure he'd be in town.
I guess I'm just mildly concerned because I really wasn't anticipating a long distance relationship, if one happens at all.
We'll see what happens, but... I'm just so... disappointed.
After he told me I cried for a few minutes.
I didn't realize how much I'd been looking forward to the possibility of being with him.
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