InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "PokeDollar"

Anonymous Writer (anonymoose) wrote in gooseberry,
@ 2017-01-28 08:51:00

Entry tags:

! anonymous, ! journal

NEW MOON #5: PART 2

aNSWeR MY QueSTioN aND You MiGHT WiN a PRiZe

Do You WaNT To GRoW uP?

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qnnc
2017-01-28 11:28 am UTC (link)

~~Yes~~ [...] No.

It's all I've talked about and all I've worked for since I was ten. I decided to stop doing something else I loved for it, and I left a home I loved for it, but it's almost here and I know that everything's about to get more intense. I don't know if I'll actually be able to handle it and I don't know if it's going to be as gratifying as I've been telling myself. I don't know if I'll actually be happy and I keep wondering if I made the wrong choice but it's not like I get a do-over.

Hey, senior year!

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paladins
2017-01-28 09:14 pm UTC (link)

Do you think this kind of anxiety is just... normal?

I feel the same way as you. I've never had any other goal. I know it's going to be so much hard work. It's been so much hard work, getting my grades where they need to be in order to make it into a good program after school. If I even make it, I'm going to have absolutely no free time, and I might be two years into training before I realize it's not what I want to do.

But maybe freaking out about this is a sign it's the right decision? I don't know.

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qnnc
2017-01-28 09:25 pm UTC (link)

Sometimes I think "yes," sometimes I think "no," sometimes I think "our moods swing so much that I can't rightly tell and probably, no one else knows either."

Did you lift that from one of my private wards? That's exactly where I am, Anonyfriend.

At least it means we're taking it seriously instead of flinging ourselves into a vocation because we couldn't think of anything else to do. [...] Which I think is a positive? I used to look down on people who did that (the flinging, that is) and now I don't know if it's any better or worse than deciding to do something from an age where you don't know any better.

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paladins
2017-01-28 11:53 pm UTC (link)

This year's been so bizarre that I can't separate "impending adulthood" stress from "nonsensical teenage emotions" stress or "haunted magic school" stress.

Maybe you're right. Maybe I didn't make a mistake deciding on this path when I was a child. I mean, I do think it's important work, and I wouldn't hate it, but... I just keep wondering... what did I miss out on, when I gave up the things I did to make this happen?

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qnnc
2017-01-28 11:58 pm UTC (link)

This is going to be a crazy suggestion, but stick with me... maybe those three stresses are all compounding into one giant (fun) ball of stress?

I keep having the same questions (and I know at least a little of what I would have missed out on — which is a big deal to me) but there isn't really anything we can do about it now, is there? We've got decades left, we can change what we're doing if we need to even if we've already missed out. [...] I swear I'm trying to sound positive, even if that's not how it's coming across. But maybe we fucked up, maybe we're fine. I don't know. We shouldn't have to make any decisions until we're at least thirty.

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	anonymoose 2017-01-28 09:31 pm UTC (link)
	WHY iS "iT" So iMPoRTaNT? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

qnnc
2017-01-28 09:44 pm UTC (link)

There's jobs no matter where you are, and you know that you're always going to be helping someone [...] which is important. I didn't grow up with much so the idea of a steady, reliable job that could Do Good always made "it" feel like the most practical choice. And if it's practical, it's important — or that's what I thought?

I still think that, but it's just taken a lot of things from me already, I guess. But then if I think that I start to feel selfish. I don't know.

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	anonymoose 2017-01-28 09:56 pm UTC (link)
	You SHouLD Be SeLFiSH You Do So MuCH (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	qnnc 2017-01-28 10:11 pm UTC (link)
	I am selfish, just in [...] short-term things. But thanks Anon, ~~I don't know how you know that~~ I appreciate it. :) Do you have any suggestions? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	anonymoose 2017-01-29 12:25 am UTC (link)
	CoMe To THe GRoTTo You'Re HaPPY HeRe (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	qnnc 2017-01-29 12:35 am UTC (link)
	~~How did you know that?~~ [...] You're right, but things have changed for us lately. I don't think that I'll be able to be as happy there as I used to be. We have responsibilities now. (Fun, right? So fun.) (I don't know if you get sarcasm much, but that actually meant "no fun at all.") (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	anonymoose 2017-01-29 01:31 am UTC (link)
	WHY WHY Do You HaVe To (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	qnnc 2017-01-29 11:48 am UTC (link)
	To make sure our friends stay safe on their way back to their beds. It can be easy to get lost or hurt when it's so dark and cold outside, especially if we've been drinking. We've got to look out for one another. [...] Kind of like how ~~I think~~ you look out for us at the Grotto?. (Reply to this) (Parent)

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