s (tristis) wrote in genome_project, @ 2011-03-11 22:58:00 |
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Entry tags: | emma tibbits, jacob tibbits, march 2011, phonecall |
Slightly backdated.
Who: Jacob & Emma Tibbits
What: Frantic phone call to spouse, hiding from hormonal teenagers in the master bedroom.
When: During this.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
Ring.
Ring.
Ring.
Click.
“Hello? Em? Uh, I need to talk to you.”
“Jacob? Is everything okay? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong. - ...Well, no. Something’s wrong. Everyone’s fine, though. I mean, I think. There was a lot of heavy breathing going on, so I can’t be sure, but... I don’t know what to do.”
“Heavy breathing? What are you talking about? Is it one of the kids?”
“Two. - Or - One. One of ours. Alfie. He and Laney - okay, look. I’m going to say it. I’m going to stop being a baby and say it. Just don’t scream, okay?”
“Scream? Did they something on fire? Or steal the car? Fuck. He needs to be put in an after school program.”
“No. No. No - uh. Well. Okay. I was - I texted him. Alfie. I wanted him to help me make dinner. He replied that he and Laney were playing video games. But I got home and they weren’t.” Pause. “He was on top of her.”
“......Doing what?”
“Grunting.”
“Grunting? Are you... Were they... Please don’t tell me sex, Jacob.”
“I won’t. It wasn’t. I don’t think? I tried to check, but it was hard to tell. They were clothed from what I could see. But. Just. They’re still in there. Should I... do something?”
“In where?”
“Alfie’s room. That’s where I walked in on them. I thought they were playing Call of Duty or something! I knew it was suspiciously quiet. Fuck. I should have knocked.”
“You left them in his room!? Jacob. They’re fourteen! I knew you should have given him a better sex talk. At least they were clothed. Oh god... Okay. Go back in there an make sure they haven’t resumed their grunting? or whatever it was they were doing. Make them leave the door open if she stays.”
“Should I not have left? I just - I didn’t know what to do. My amygdala screamed at me to scram, so I scrammed! - I think I should probably talk to him; don’t you?”
“Yeah, I do. Talk. This weekend, maybe? Or soon anyways. You should have at least left the door open. Did you leave the door open?”
“I don’t remember. I just ran and said sorry. I hope I haven’t traumatized the pair of them. What if I traumatized them and they can never have meaningful relationships because of this?”
“I’m sure you just interrupted their heavy petting situation. They’ll live. Either that or anytime Alfie tries to experience something intimate, he’ll think of his father. But there’s nothing we can do now but push forward. Sex talk. This weekend. And open the door.”
“That’d be terrible. Fuck. - Should I tell him it’s okay - it’s okay for Laney to be over, isn’t it? And it’s fine to want to make out with her or grunt ...near ...her. Right?”
“It’s okay for Laney to be over, yes. And it’s fine to want to make out. It’s even fine if they do make out. But they need to keep the door open.”
“What if I walk in again? How can I cook, if they’re in there canoodling with the door open? What if I turn around and - bleh. I don’t even want to try to imagine it. - Maybe if she’s over and they want to make out, he could... put... a rubber band on his doorknob. It’d be like college.”
“He’s fourteen, dear. He needs to keep his door open. He’s not going to try and fornicate with you standing in the next room.”
“I don’t know. He’s devious. And so is Laney. - Should I talk to her, too? Should I show them condoms? ...I don’t know!”
“I don’t think it’s your responsibility to talk to Laney. Just worry about Alfie, okay?”
“It is if she’s the one he’s messing around with, right? Because if she doesn’t know what she needs to know, then, well, what if she ...I don’t know... gets pregnant or - I just - God, I feel like a dad right now.”
“You are a dad. I’ll talk to Jen and see what Laney knows, okay? Until we find out, worry only about Alfie. You don’t need to embarrass him further by conducting a sex ed class in front of the girl he likes.”
“Should I send her pube development videos, you think?”
“Oh shut it. I had the best intentions at heart. If you think you can do better, then do it.”
“Should I ask him if they’re dating? Does that change what I should tell him? Should I tell him to take it slow? What do people say to their sons? I mean, I know I was going to give him the Talk a while ago, but it was all abstract then. This is hardcore now.”
“Ask if they’re dating. I want to know. They look so adorable together. Did you see the Dance photos? But um... Ask him what it is that he thinks he wants to do? Maybe give him some advice? Definitely tell him about abstinence or waiting until he’s ready, but also show him condoms. Maybe give him one or two? I know that seems very progressive, but I’d rather he’s educated than not.”
“I’ll give him five if that means he’ll use them. Actually, maybe I should just hand him a box. He’s bound to put them on wrong at least half the time, so that’s only six, really. Having sex six times isn’t so bad. As long as I’m not in the kitchen. -- Do you think this is the first time they’ve done this? It can’t be.”
“Who knows? We haven’t really enforced the ‘no girls when you’re home alone’ rule. Ask him when you talk to him.”
“Is that a rule? I’m in trouble.”
“Ha ha ha. Just go back in, okay?”
“Hilarious, right? - Okay. Um. Come save me soon. - And I think I’ll just order a goddamn pizza. Forget cooking. I’m going to talk to Alfie and then come up here a cry for a while.”
“Don’t cry, dear. I’ll be home soon. Pizza sounds good and then after, maybe we can practice techniques that you can explain to our son later. I have to go. I’ve got a student knocking on my door.”
“Okay, bye. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
Click.