Loss And Reconciliation
This whole humanity thing was pretty nerve-wracking.

Jill felt more nervous standing at the door to Victoria's hotel room than she did the night she had to kill her own father to land the job at Wolfram and Hart. Then, her livelihood - and life - were on the line, but now something deeper was at stake, something which, until a month or so ago, the lawyer had not cared about.

Her heart thumped in her chest and Jill felt the sheen of sweat on her hands. She tentatively wrapped her knuckles on the door, hoping on some level that Vicky did not hear the door or was not home.

Apologies, particularly heart-felt, honest ones, were never easy, but if Jill was to set about transforming herself from corrupted pawn to an actual person with morals, she had to do this. In some way, it was not terribly unlike a recovering drug addict apologising to everyone they had affected.

Victoria had heard the inevitable knock at door. Part of her might have wondered if a certain redhead had come to try and make things all better between them again, but the vampiress knew it could not be. An ordinary human being simply did not have nearly so high definition in the senses of hearing and smell. The sound of the walk was different, as was the heart, while the scent, although vaguely familiar, was not the same, either. The vampiress associated it, partially, with the girl, but after the half a minute had passed before she could get the energy to move to the door, Victoria remembered who it likely was.

Looking at the handle, the more undead of the two brunettes hesitated. Not because of fear, but more due to a lack of incentive to face the world. Still, Victoria often seemed to find it difficult to turn someone down, especially one she had promised to be there for. The last meeting she had with the lawyer, quite by accident, out on the street, had served to reconcile their differences.

Deciding to finally open that door, Victoria rose a tired smile. She wore only a nightgown. Having a bath, Victoria had thought, might serve to wash away some of the heartache, although her hair was now more or less dry. The silk was light in colour, like a silvery white, but the room behind her was completely in darkness. As a nocturnal creature, the vampiress was perfectly attuned to it, when need be.

"Hey... Didn't expect seeing you here."

"Hey," Jill muttered with a soft smile, taking a moment to admire Victoria in her robe. The vampiress had always been an attractive, alluring figure - in more ways than just sensual, although Jill realised that was a large part of their previous relationship.

Even though the lawyer had once before apologised for the wrongs she had committed against Victoria - and possibly even meant them - Jill knew doing so again, fully aware that she meant it, would go a long way in reversing the decades of corruption she had allowed David Gregor to put upon her.

"Can I... Come in?" Jill asked with a nervous hesitation in her voice. "I... I'd like to talk to you."

Victoria said nothing. Just parted her hands in a 'sure' gesture and turned away from the door, leaving it open for the other woman to step through and close behind, on the way in. "Leave the lights off," was all she mentioned, sinking back doown onto the soft couch again, from where she had risen. Time was, when their own regular interchange of blood had started to change Jill's physiology, allowing her to start gaining a similar visual acuity to shadows. Quite whether or not she could now, was not really an issue. Vicky wanted to stay in stay darkness, for now.

"Before you ask, it's 'cause me and Mallory split up," she volunteered. Victoria knew the reasons for her funk were going to come up, sooner or later. Might as well be honest with it, right now. "So... Speak."

Jill frowned as she entered, her eyes taking a moment to adjust to the darkness of the room. Time was, the mention of Mallory's name would cause a seething hatred to rise up within the lawyer, partly because of her own feelings at the time for Victoria. But now, all Jill saw was how tough Vicky seemed to be taking it and that, more than anything, at the moment, was what she focused on.

"I'm sorry," the lawyer said, placing a calming hand on the vampiress' shoulder. "I... I know she was important to you."

Boy, did this feel out of character. Jill had gone so long without much humanity to speak of and, considering how she used to revel in her own darkness, something so simple as showing compassion felt unnatural to her - and made her more nervous than she was standing at the door.

But Jill promised herself to start on this path, so she had to soldier through it.

"You can," Jill started, then paused, trying to find just the right word. "You can vent if you'd like. My thing can wait."

Victoria wavered from her otherwise stoic exterior, putting hand atop the lawyer's and tilting head a little towards it. Her expression shifted from blank to the morose and, just for a moment, her forehead creased in acknowledgement of hitting a wall of depression again.

What was it about Nevada, that she had encountered all this unlife-changing experiences? She had literally travelled back in time and yet, if given the opportunity to meet her younger self, there were now so many things she might warn against or say to keep in mind. So many recent memories and what the vast majority of them would stay with her... Yes, indeed, forever. If her vampiric essence somehow carried on past the physical end and her body was made to turn to dust, she would still carry with her those thoughts, those visions.

Those feelings.

"We went on a... A fairground ride, once."

But, swallowing one more memory of many away, Victoria blinked eyes rapidly and wet lips, turning her gaze up to the woman who now sought to bring comfort. Her own hand patting against the back of that now laying upon her shoulder. She would not complete the sentence. Her voice would go all quivery, if she did. Something not for the best, when in company.

"You don't need to hear it," she reassured. "But I like that you'd be willing to. It's my, uh... It's my burden, see. And I knew it would be. The whole memorising thing. I've looked at old peoples' homes, you know... If I manage to escape being staked and all the rest of it, I know that, one day, I'll end up like them... A lifetime of experience. Maybe even several. And sometimes I think Alzheimer's can be a blessing for them. I won't have that luxury... I'll have to keep it all; the good and the bad. And there'll be a time when maybe I'll be the only one who knows it."

A thoughtful pause.

"Sorry... Making eternal life glamorous is meant to be my thing."

Jill offered a small grin, tapping Victoria on the shoulder and joking, "Well, you almost had me convinced, once."

The smile slowly faded as the lawyer gave the vampiress' shoulder a soft squeeze. Jill was not going to push Vicky, if she did not want to talk about her break-up with Mallory; as awkward as all this humanity was in a room occupied by a vampire and attorney, she did not want to add to it by prying.

"I, uhh... I want to apologize," Jill began, her eyes darting about uncertainly. "I realize I already did once and, I dunno', maybe I even meant it then, but..." The lawyer paused, taking a deep breath to steel herself against her own onset of emotion. "Things are... Different now and I'm not sure I can explain it, but... You deserve an apology. An honest, true-from-the-heart one. Since I... Apparently have a heart."

"Yeah, well... That was the problem," Victoria replied, at Jill's initial comment. "She realised she could no longer condone what I am... And wasn't willing to do what I asked, in return. Elope. And as turning was never on the table... Eh... I don't wanna' talk about it. She wouldn't let me change her mind. End of story."

Because thinking about it just kept reminding Victoria of how bizarre and strange it was. Of all the things to have brought the relationship to an apparent end, she had never seriously predicted that it would have been that. Sure, it meant she was effectively a 'free agent' again, but when she had never wanted to be free from their dynamic, in the first place, such a concept seemed to lose its importance.

"Never doubt you did, honey," the vampiress finally answered. "You just kind of... Hid it well, at times." At that, Victoria sighed. She was in a real pit of despair and here was the lawyer, of all people, offering comradeship. Gingerly opening arms, in a sign of solidarity, the brunette tentatively asked. "Hug, please?"

With a silent nod, Jill wrapped her arms around Victoria's shoulders, lightly at first, then tightening their grip as she rested her chin on the vampiress' shoulder. Jill closed her eyes and ran a hand over Vicky's back, sighing to herself and doing what she thought people did to comfort each other.

When Jill was a child, her mother Janice would pick her up, place Jill in her lap and hug her until she calmed down. Aside from sex, that was the only thing Jill had to refer to when trying to comfort someone.

Not releasing her hug - as much for Vicky's sake as her own - Jill cleared her throat and took in another heavy breath. "I'm leaving the firm," she announced, softly. "Taking another job..."

How ironic, thought Victoria. Less than a day after breaking up and here she was, very literally in the arms of a former lover. There was more to it than that, however. Victoria had been lacking the bond with her own maker. For that reason, things had intensified in the aftermath of Deanna's leaving. As of now, not only was Victoria needing to fill the void of Mallory's departure, but the one who had given her a bloodied bond, too. She could keep things on the level, of course, but something like this was nice. That was why there was just he hint of a relaxing purr. Not continuous, maybe, but it was there. A signifier of finding necessary comfort.

In days of yore, this would probably have been the start of sinking fangs into neck and breathless orgasms. The living woman's sigh and proximity to jugular, of course, gave unavoidable impressions, but perhaps it was thanks to the redhead that Victoria could resist her baser urges much more, these days. In place of predatory sexuality, she simply turned head in and pressed a similarly affectionate kiss to the side of that neck. Jill needed acceptance, too. That much was obvious. She could give her that.

Karma would maybe stop kicking her in the rear, if she did.

"Lemme' guess," the vampiress replied. "With the government, right?"

Releasing the hug, but keeping one of her hands on Victoria's shoulder, Jill gave a small nod, feeling surprisingly guilty over the reality of it. The Agent who had met with her weeks ago, had warned Jill she might have to work against those she once held dear, which, at the time, the lawyer was fine with. But now, feeling like she could possibly salvage something out of this with Vicky, she felt bad about it.

"It's my way out," she said. "I'm not that... Bitch anymore. Time was, I was the exact opposite. But I let myself turn to the... Well, dark side, for lack of a better term... And I hurt a lot of people - a lot of important people - in the process.

"This is a chance to get out of Wolfram and Hart and hopefully find some redemption along the way."

"Ohh..."

It was an interested sort of an 'oh'. They had both conversed about the subject, but a method of leaving that organisation had always been elusive. If one had now been found, then perhaps the lawyer really was on the up and up. Only time could tell. Not that Victoria necessarily had an interest in being pure and white, but she did like helping those she cared about, to be happy.

"Well, I guess that's proof anything's possible! Just... Wow. Never thought you'd ever do that. Or be able to. You were all set on getting a pair of fangs and leading the world into corruption, at one time. Heh, makes me sort of glad for not suffering from a conscience, at times like these."

Jill hung her head a little, smiling a sad sort of smile for a moment. She stared at her hands, which suddenly shook with uncertainty. This was a large change for Jill, one she thought herself incapable of months before. And the more she committed herself to cleaning out the corruption, the more daunting the prospect seemed.

"I let myself fall so far," she said in an almost-whisper, feeling emotion start to well within her. "My mom killed herself, my dad killed so many others... The firm swooped in and I let them do what they pleased with me. And I'm tired of it. Just plain tired... I've cared about two people since moving out here and, because of that place, I hurt both of them. I'm done."

"Well, can't say I feel elated you're joining the other team," Victoria confided with honesty, "but it's nice you're finding a direction. Fangs were mine. I've never regretted it. Maybe this is yours."

It was almost purely out of nostalgia that Vicky allowed a finger to brush against the tanned neck. Something she had repeatedly claimed before and was given up, without any reservation. What would the girl have been like now, if she made her vampiric? Would she have been destroyed? Or would she have made achievements? A brief sigh accompanied that trip down her own personal memory lane and Victoria decided that some things were better left in the past. This was not about an old flame coming back for a quick fuck in her bed. It was apparently all to do with updates in their mutual existences.

Maybe Star would get cold feet, too. Perhaps her future was destined to be a long string of 'almost-turnings'. People who cared for her, but who found a reason to back out of going too far. Or, alternatively, who she found a reason not to turn.

There were times when she envied Deanna's ruthlessness, really there were.

"Are you glad?" She asked, somewhat rhetorically. "That you at least had the experience? That you had all this power? That you saw what it did? You think it made you a better 'you'?"

Jill gave the question some thought, wondering if her years as a ruthless, unfeeling bitch would really be good for her in the long run. Upon initial inspection, it seemed so impossible - how could such brutality be a good thing? But the more the lawyer thought about it and, as she rested her head on the vampiress' shoulder, Jill realised:

It would be.

"I think so," she whispered, a tear running down her cheek. "I know what it's like to be so evil, so... Cold. That's gotta' make the other side that much more gratifying, right?"

And it was not about arresting some demons or helping Uncle Same find a whacked-out Slayer; for Jill, this was merely getting away from Wolfram and Hart and morally cleansing herself.

It was at times like these, rare, though they were, that Victoria wondered how much of her own essence still washed through the woman's beating heart. It felt nice, up close against her, like that. Peaceful. The reason why she slide one arm around the lawyer's shoulder and kissed the forehead. she was sure there must still be some, it was just that she never really focused enough to call upon it. The lack of Deanna's bond, once more, seemed to reassert itself and Victoria realised something. She had never interchanged blood with the redhead. Something she had often wanted to do. Which meant Jill was as close to 'family' as she could really ever get, at this moment in time.

"Stay the night?" She whispered in a plea. "No sex... I'm free and all, but... I just wanna' hold someone, tonight. I'm tired... I need company. Something to ward off the loneliness. You'd do that for me, right?"

Of course she would do that for Victoria. The simple fact that the vampiress even thought enough of Jill to ask, meant something. It meant what Jill did to her was no longer an issue; Vicky was no longer upset over Jill not trying to free her from that demonic concentration camp.

And sex or not... That was irrelevant. Jill would not turn it down at this juncture, but if Victoria did not want any, she would be fine with that, too. Vicky needed her, tonight and Jill was more than willing to oblige.

"Of course," she responded with a kiss on the vampiress' cheek. "Whatever you want."