| [Jan. 1st, 2011|08:15 pm] |
"Make sure he eats when it's his watch," Ginta told Pakkun, when Kakashi had gone. He rested a hand on the pug's head, petting absentmindedly as he stared into the fire. "Is he really recovered? From our mission. My mission." He faltered, frowning. "The mission. He doesn't seem like he is. I know I'm not, not really, and I've been off-duty this whole time."
He didn't ask about Ryouma, not yet, though the questions were there. Questions that tore a hole right through him, and that he probably shouldn't ask, like: Was Kakashi in love with Ryouma? Did he know about the girl Ryouma slept with? Is that why they fought?
Pakkun turned a solemn face up to Ginta, twisting under Ginta's gloved hand. "What do you think?"
Ginta took a breath, and a moment to be sure he really meant what he was about to say. "I think," he said quietly, so quietly that the crackle of the fire was louder, "that he's trying to kill himself without actually holding a blade to his own throat."
Pakkun picked himself out of Ginta's lap, stepping carefully over Ginta's leg to sit with his back to the fire, looking up at Ginta. He seemed suddenly much older, much wearier, in a way that spoke not just of one tiring run on what was probably a hopeless rescue mission, but a lifetime of them. He seemed sad. "Kid, he's been trying to do that for years."
"Why doesn't someone stop him? I know Sandaime-sama. Why doesn't he..." Ginta trailed off, staring past the dog and the fire, towards the dark shape of the tent. Canvas rippled as a gust of wind hit it, and the first drops of icy rain spattered the ground. "Because we're soldiers. Soldiers die," he said grimly, answering his own question.
Just like Ryouma.
Pakkun sighed deeply. "Soldiers are brain-damaged. Every last one of you. What about family, huh? Or fun? Or — dammit, I don't know, one damn week without blood and death and some new name carved into that stupid rock."
Ginta looked levelly at the dog, feeling gears inside turning, meshing. "And yet you're here. Wearing that." He touched his brow, where a hitai-ate identical to Pakkun's would rest, were he not in ANBU uniform. "And so am I, and so is he. Sometimes I really don't think we have a choice."
Pakkun gave a derisive snort. "See, that's just a crap excuse. I'm here for loyalty, and also because that brain-damage thing isn't just reserved for humans. You are here because—" He hesitated, looking Ginta up and down, thoughtful and serious. "I don't know. Why are you here?"
"On this mission? Because Ryouma was — is — my friend. He's been my friend since before I even met Kakashi. And it's my fault Ryouma joined ANBU. I used to have a lot of missions up here, up in Snow, when Ryouma was stationed at the Dainichi Nyorai Temple Post. That was my staging area for almost all my missions. And he and I — we'd play cards, in the down time, and tell stories. I told him he ought to apply. I told him he'd be a good fit. And I told Arakaki he should recruit him." He could hear the bitterness, the recrimination, in his own voice.
"I'm in ANBU," he went on, "because it's the best place for me. And I'm a ninja because... because that's what I am. If I weren't, I'd probably be a monster." |
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