013: Rumours It started with whispers. Remus had been hoping Ravenclaws would at least have the decency not to stare, but some of them did, and Remus just kept his eyes down and pretended not to notice. As usual, however, news traveled fast in Hogwarts and gossip traveled even faster. It wasn't until most of the Sytherin house in their year seemed to be looking at them funny that James and Sirius started to notice...probably because instead of just stupid whispered insults in corridors, "unexplainable" bad things started happening to Remus and Peter.
James and Sirius had kept quiet about it, until a particularly nasty potions class during which Remus and Peter's cauldron exploded. Remus had given them a quick "just bad luck; think I added the Shrivelfig too soon," and dismissed it, but privately wondered if maybe he and Peter shouldn't partner one another in classes anymore. He darted down the hallway after cleaning them and their work station up, not surprised to find Peter darting after him.
"It's fine," he hissed after they'd walked far enough away that they were out of earshot, knowing, if he was honest, that it wasn't.
"It isn't," Peter said, his voice low and angry. "And you know it. This is bollocks. You should start docking points." He was furious, and he hated nearly everyone except the Marauders, but the Slytherins were the worst, and he just wanted to bloody curse someone. He was going to start cursing people, if they didn't stop this.
He wondered if McGonagall would blame him if he ended up in detention for defending Remus...or if she would agree with the people who were doing this.
"Can't dock points if I don't know who's doing it, and anyway that would only exacerbate things," Remus said, his tone slightly pleading. It made him nervous how angry Peter seemed to be about all this... not that he wasn't angry when he truly thought about it, but he was also firmly of the opinion that if they just ignored it, whoever was doing this would get bored and stop eventually. He didn't want to wind up making this any bigger than it was. "Look, they didn't hurt us. The cauldron was cool and the ingredients were harmless. They just... got us sticky." And it had been embarrassing, as well, but Remus left that part out. It had been more embarrassing than anything else, though.
"You could dock points from the whole fucking house," Peter snarled, shoving his hands in his pockets. He had actually fumbled a cigarette out of a pocket before realising they were still inside. A moment later he decided he didn't give a toss. He strode over to a window and pushed it open, then lit the cigarette. "Fucking gits, the lot of them."
Remus sighed. "You should go outside to smoke," he said, then climbed up to take a seat in the window sill anyway.
"Going to dock points from me, Mr Prefect?" Peter asked, his voice savage. Then he immediately felt bad and sighed, throwing the cigarette out the window. He buried his face in his hands. "God, Remus, I'm sorry," he managed. "I just hate this. I hate the way they're treating you. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be such a git."
Remus' brows drew together, but he still only felt tired. He sat there for a moment, not answering, not sure what to say at all. He didn't feel much like getting angry at Peter for that, even if he wanted to, because he knew exactly how Peter felt, even if he was mostly swallowing his own anger. "They're not just doing it to me, you know."
Peter flapped a hand in a violent dismissal. "You're a Prefect." And I love you, and I can't protect you from this because it's my fault. And I hate it. He lit another cigarette and took a long drag.
This time Remus reached out, pulled the fag out of Peter's mouth and tossed it out the window, giving Peter a look. "It doesn't matter that I'm a Prefect, and I will dock points, you know."
"Oi!" Peter said, but there was no real heat to it. He turned around and leaned against the wall, folding his arms over his chest. "It matters because you're mine," he said at last, his voice low but fierce.
Remus stared at Peter for a moment. "Yours?" His tone was slightly disbelieving at first, but slowly he smiled. "I think I like that."
Remus' surprise drained the last of Peter's anger and he looked up in mild embarrassment. "I love you," he whispered. "And--I hate to see people treating you like this. It isn't right. You deserve better."
"So do you." Remus wanted to reach over and touch Peter, but he knew better now. At least his reaction had disarmed Peter though, and Remus felt a little more relaxed for it. "It's going to blow over. I promise, if we just ignore it for now, it'll blow over."
Peter sighed and shoved a hand through his hair. "I still say your docking points and my sending a few well-aimed hexes would make it blow over faster," he muttered, but it was half-hearted. "Come on, I need a fag, and I'm afraid a Prefect'll catch me smoking inside."
"Couldn't have that," Remus replied wryly, then slipped off the sill and started walking. It was ridiculous how awkward he felt in the halls now when he was with Peter. He felt like everyone was staring at them. Part of Remus felt like they ought to be agreeing to meet somewhere and then take separate routes, but then that just made him feel resentful and guilty.
Peter still wanted to hex that gormless Hufflepuff who turned to watch them walk down the passage until they turned a corner, but Remus had soothed away most of his anger for now. It wasn't right, but there was nothing they could do about it. Perhaps Remus was correct, perhaps they just had to ignore it. Then again, Sirius and James--all right, and Peter, too--had never behaved when Remus ignored their bad behaviour. It had taken that horrible, thoughtless night, and Remus losing his temper...
Not realising what he was doing, Peter hastened his steps, wanting to be away from all this, to be somewhere no one could bloody stare at them.
That was strange, Remus thought. There wasn't much height difference between them, but Peter usually fell behind Remus' longer strides. But now Remus found himself speeding up a bit to keep up with Peter and he wondered if he'd missed something. He'd fallen into the habit of not meeting anyone's eyes in the corridors because it was just easier that way. "All right?" he mumbled under his breath.
Peter hunched his shoulders. "I just want to be outside and get a fag in," he muttered. And I want to hug you and I bloody can't, and it's stupid. He was beginning to think that if everyone knew, they ought to stop even trying to act "normal" and just do as they pleased. But he did slow down a bit.
"All right," Remus replied, but he couldn't help feeling nervous. They moved through the castle at a slightly faster than normal pace, and set out onto the ground, which really didn't feel any safer. Merlin, the gossip had spread to all houses and ever their dormitory felt uncomfortable, the way some of the other boys darted glances at them before pulling their bed curtains closed at night. Not all of them, but enough of them that Remus noticed. "All right, safe from getting points docked now, hand one over," he muttered. "Wouldn't want you to have to smoke alone."
Peter lit two cigarettes and handed one to Remus. It was a tiny gesture, but it was one he could get away with in public. "I love you more than anything," he said quietly, glancing around to make certain no one could hear. "More than all this shite, more than being called a poof in the hallways, more than anything, all right?" He watched Remus' face, hoping he would understand what Peter meant. "And look, there's something, right, that we know who our real friends are? Alice and Frank are still sitting with us at meals. And Evans still likes us." Well, as much as she'd ever liked Peter. But she did like Remus, he knew, and that hadn't changed. He took a long drag off his cigarette, held it for a moment, then sighed.
Remus sighed and nodded. "Yeah," he said. If there was a silver lining, that was it, and that aspect of it was almost nice, to know that some people didn't care, some people weren't looking at them any differently. He even thought he saw Lily hex someone out of the corner of his eyes once when they'd been walking down the halls to cat calls... come to think of it, there was really no way James and Sirius didn't know, and Remus was suddenly amazed they'd let Remus brush it off for so long. Everyone who still cared about him was indulging him, weren't they?
Maybe they were hexing people, too, and Remus just hadn't seen it yet. Ever since Sirius' idea of a prank last year and Remus' resulting rage, they'd been more careful about who they let Remus see them hex.
Remus drew smoke into his lungs deeply and reached out to brush his thumb over Peter's shoulder, the briefest touch now that they were in a more secluded spot, then swore at himself mentally for the way it made his stomach twist and the way he withdrew so quickly. "I love you, too. So much." It was bitter-sweet now and Remus hated that. He wanted their home by the sea. He wanted to be away from this. "For the first time, I honestly can't wait to graduate," he added miserably.
Peter sighed. "Yeah. We can find some place to live where no one will know, and we'll be left alone." God, what if some of the people who knew, who hated them, were in the Auror Training Programme? Of course, that wouldn't matter if he didn't make it in. But Remus had been helping him with his work, really getting him to revise, and to work harder on his homework...Peter wasn't stupid, Remus was fond of pointing out. He was just easily distracted.
Peter exhaled a thin stream of smoke and glanced at his boyfriend.
Remus caught Peter's eyes and smiled faintly at their shared fantasy, which Remus really hoped wasn't just that. "Wish it didn't matter if people knew." Remus took another drag, still regarding Peter thoughtfully. Maybe it wouldn't matter as much in the "real world." "Let's go someplace we can be alone."
They still had another class today, but Peter wasn't going to point that out. Remus knew that as well as he did. "All right," he said, and followed Remus willingly.
The Room of Requirement was all the way up on the seventh floor, and while it may be perfectly suited to their needs once they got there, Remus was honestly concerned if they went that far up, they'd never come back down for their next class. It was completely unlike him, really. Skivving off studying once in a while was one thing, but Remus had never had the impulse to skiv off classes like he did today. He just didn't want to face it all for the rest of the day.
In the end, however, Remus decided to do the responsible thing: take the room that was a little less cushy so that he wouldn't get too comfortable and beg Peter to just stay with him alone for the rest of the night. Really, their problems wouldn't go away by hiding, so it would just hurt them in the long run if they started skipping classes.
He headed up only two flights of stairs with Peter trailing behind him, and slipped down a hidden passage the Marauders had found in their third year that had a little room off the side of it. It wasn't much, but it had some transfigured furniture, some chairs and a little cot. Before Remus had been made a Prefect, they'd occasionally have to use it as a place to crash when they almost got caught out after curfew.
Remus slipped inside the room quickly, waited for Peter to come in after him, then immediately wrapped his arms around Peter. He squeezed Peter and buried his face against Peter's neck, fighting the sudden urge to cry, mostly because he hadn't done it yet and things just kept getting worse.
With a long sigh, Peter wrapped his arms tightly around Remus and then pulled him towards one of the chairs. He still liked having Remus in his lap, and even if it was comfort they needed today instead of sex, that would work just as well. He settled down in it, guiding Remus down on top of him, and then he closed his eyes, stroking Remus' hair. The anger was down to a simmer now, and mixed through heavily with discouragement and sadness. They didn't want to do anything but love each other and live their lives, and that was exactly what seemed to be causing problems.
"I love you, Remus," he said softly. Maybe if he said it enough, they would feel better.
"I love you, too," Remus moaned, and kissed Peter's neck. Those words weren't supposed to make his heart achey.
"Shh, it isn't long," Peter whispered, still running his fingers through the soft hair. How had he ended up comforting Remus? "Just another fortnight or so, and then NEWTs, and then we'll be leaving. We can find a place to live by the sea, and we'll be happy." And hopefully Peter would have a job so they could afford that place by the sea. He hoped Remus would, too, and probably they'd be all right. He hoped.
Remus exhaled a shaky breath that was almost a sad laugh. "Promise?" He didn't wait for Peter to answer, though, before blurting, "I love you so much. I'm sorry all this is happening," and squeezing Peter tighter.
Peter decided to kiss him instead of answering with words. Especially since he wasn't at all sure anymore that things would be all right. But as long as he had Remus, he had what he needed the most.
Remus returned the kiss, moving so that he could sift his fingers through Peter's hair easily, then pulled back just enough to rest his forehead against Peter's. "I'm sorry," he repeated. 'I'm sorry' and 'I love you' were suddenly words he thought he could easily repeat a hundred times.
"You don't need to apologise to me for anything," Peter murmured. "As long as I have you, I'm all right." He nuzzled Remus' jaw. "You're--you're everything to me, Remus."
The emotion Remus had been trying to contain broke past Remus' hold on it then, and his eyes welled up with tears. "I should be stronger," he blurted, then wiped stubbornly at a rogue tear that dared to slide down his cheek.
"You are strong," Peter whispered, "but you don't have to be when you're with me. You can just be Remus with me." He kissed Remus' cheek and tightened one arm around Remus, the other petting his hair.
Remus didn't feel very strong, and he felt stupid that what Peter said made him cry more. He buried his face against Peter's shoulder and swallowed a sob.
"Remus, Remus, I love you." Peter just kept holding him, feeling a little better, oddly, that Remus could let go with him. Maybe it was because sometimes Remus seemed so strong and clever, and Peter wasn't sure what Remus got from him.
Remus wrapped his arms around Peter's shoulders and finally let himself cry, which felt both horrible and really good to do at the same time. It wasn't fair. None of this was fair. They were in love and they hadn't fallen in love on purpose or hurt anyone by it. And what hurt even more was the way it made Remus question everything, question himself and his and Peter's relationship, as if they had done something wrong, when he knew they hadn't. He wasn't strong if the fact that people disliked him for what he was, something he couldn't help, made him question the best thing in his life. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he babbled, vaguely aware of how wet and sticky Peter's collar was now.
Peter decided maybe it was best not to talk at all, so he just sort of rocked Remus and kept touching him, wishing he could make everything better for Remus. What good was all the magic in the world, if his boyfriend--who was a good man, a sweet, kind man--could be made so miserable by stupid gits? Peter found that the anger hadn't gone, after all, it had just settled into a small burning spot in his heart. He held Remus, trying to be comforting instead of fierce, and nuzzled his cheek and hair.
Remus let Peter rock him, comforted by it, by the fact that Peter wasn't trying to quiet him, but was just letting him cry. Peter was so good to him. He was such a wonderful person. That made Remus' heart feel like it was being squeezed in both a good and bad way.
After a while, Remus' tears slowed and finally stopped. Though he was still breathing raggedly against Peter's neck, he sort of wondered if he should apologise again and clean up the wet spot on Peter's clothes. "Mmph," was all he actually managed, however.
Peter squeezed Remus a little when Remus sort of spoke. He kissed Remus' hair and smiled. He tried to think of something to say, but he didn't know what would be good.
"I got you all sticky," Remus managed finally, by way of apology, then sniffed and sat back. He fumbled for his wand to clean them up, but his hands were shaking and he was having a hard time of it.
"Doesn't matter," Peter said, laughing a little. He smoothed his hand down Remus' back and did the cleaning charm himself. "I wish I could fix everything," he said softly.
Remus nodded and wiped his face with the back of his hand, brushing the lingering wetness from his cheeks. He was a little embarrassed. He didn't usually - no, almost never - let himself go like that. But mostly, he felt a little better for having done it. "I know," he whispered. "I know. Thank you."
Peter smiled at him and kissed him, framing his face with his hands. He wondered if Remus would even think about class now. They'd probably missed the first half hour of it, but Peter wasn't going to check his watch. He thought Remus needed this more than another boring lecture in History of Magic, anyway. He kissed Remus again.
Remus sighed and kissed Peter back, then leaned forward and clung to him silently.
That evening after dinner, when they would have retreated to the library, where the whispers and nasty looks weren't quite so prevalent, Sirus draped an arm around Peter's shoulders, leaning on him heavily. James glanced at Evans, then Sirius, and put a firm hand on one of Remus' shoulders. Evans got up with her group of friends, but when they walked past the Marauders, she said, "You go on, I need to talk to James." There were giggles and someone actually gave a low whistle, but she just flapped a hand at them and they went. She sat down across the table from the others, folding her hands and propping her chin on them.
Peter felt something like dread settling in his stomach, on top of the meal he'd just eaten. Oh, God, did they have to talk about this like this? Right in the open like this? He glanced around. At least no one was near them.
Remus was about to stand to leave when Sirius' hand settled on top of him. He really hadn't been paying much attention to what was going on around him, something that had become a bit of a habit since the cat calls and insults had started. When he glanced up, however, he instantly knew what was going on, and he simply stared at his friends, looking a little trapped, and then threw Lily a pleading look.
"Look, mates, this can't go on," James said. Never let it be said he couldn't cut directly to the heart of the matter, Peter thought. He scowled at James. "People don't treat each other like that. It's just not on. Lily and I have talked this over. We're Head Boy and Girl, and we're going to start docking points for this. Shame on you for letting it go on, Remus. You're a prefect."
Peter frowned. "Don't take it out on Remus," he said, glaring at James. Sirius leaned against him more heavily, probably trying to shut him up.
Remus might've tried to deny what was happening, if it weren't for the way James had put that. Even Remus frowned. James was shaming him?! He automatically crossed his arms over his chest. "It's really not that big of a deal," he lied, "and honestly, that will only make it worse." At least it would only make it worse if Remus docked points, but he wasn't willing to concede that it would be better if they did when James was talking to him like he was a child. Honestly, after the years he'd put up with James' childishness! And anyway, he had no qualms with docking points in general, but this was just... different.
"It is a big deal, Remus," Lily said, her voice quiet. She glanced at James, her gaze level, and James looked away. "I don't blame you for not wanting to use your authority, since it involves you. But James and I aren't going to let it go on if we hear anything."
Peter was still frowning, but he liked Lily's tone better than James'. He shoved at Sirius. "Geroff me. What d'you think it'll really accomplish, docking points?" he asked. "All that'll happen is the professors will hear about it. Just what Remus needs, getting sent down for it." Or Peter, though he didn't think Dumbledore would expell them. He hoped.
Remus' eyes went slightly wide and he looked at Peter. He hadn't even thought about possibly getting expelled. For being gay and in love?! It was almost too hard to fathom. "He wouldn't. Dumbledore wouldn't," Remus blurted. Surely he wouldn't, would he? He'd circumvented the Ministry to let a werewolf come to school here, gone to all that trouble for Remus, an education, the shack, he'd silenced Snape last year to keep him here... He wouldn't decide Remus wasn't worth it just because he was gay, would he?
Oh, that was a nice social stigma, he thought, for the first time. Not just a werewolf, but a gay werewolf. He frowned at the tabletop
"Shut up, Wormy, we're not going to let that happen," Sirius said. He glared at Peter.
Peter grabbed Remus' hand under the table and didn't say there was nothing the Marauders could do, if Dumbledore decided on it. "I'm just saying, don't bring this to the attention of the professors," he said. He knew he'd just been urging Remus to take points himself, but Remus had made a good point; that might just exacerbate things. Silent revenge would be much more effective, and much less likely to call attention from the professors. "Remus is right. Let it run its course."
Sirius narrowed his eyes. "Since when have you ever wanted to just let things go?" he asked Peter.
"Since I fell in love with someone eminently more sensible than I am," Peter retorted, his voice low and belligerent. He wouldn't mind starting a row with Sirius, if it would distract the others.
Remus' lips parted, though he was, thankfully, able to keep his jaw from dropping. It was a little disconcerting that Peter took his side so quickly when Remus knew he was still angry, mostly because he had the feeling Peter might just start hexing people when he wasnt looking if something like what happened in potions today happened again. Still, that Peter had just admitted to loving Remus in front of the others. He really shouldn't smile right now, but his lips curled a little, and then he brought his knuckles to his lips to hide them a little when the smile grew wider. He squeezed Peter's hand and ran his thumb over Peter's knuckles, but he was too overwhelmed to speak. Which was fine, because James blurted the only thing he could think to say right now anyway.
"</i>Merlin</i>..."
Lily glanced at James, her expression a mixture of amusement and exasperation. "You can't possibly be surprised by that, Potter," she said, and then turned her look on Sirius. "Or you. You men are idiots." She sighed. "Fine. Remus, you've persuaded me. If you don't want the Head Girl to make an issue of this, she won't." Then she rested her hand on Remus' shoulder. "But Lily Evans is concerned. Why don't you talk to Dumbledore anyway? I'm sure if he'd--just listen, it would be all right." Her glance flickered to James' face, then back to Remus'.
Peter clung to Remus' hand and glared at Sirius, who sighed and sat back, holding his hands up in front of him.
"Thanks, Lily." Remus said, putting his free hand on top of hers and giving it a light squeeze. But I've been enough of a hassle for him already, he thought, but Lily didn't know about all that. Unless James told her, that is. "It's not too long until the end of the year. No sense in bothering him."
Sirius snorted. "Well, this got a lot accomplished. We'll just all put up with exploding cauldrons and whatever else they do because it's not that long..." His tone was a little defeated.
"Look, they'll get bored eventually, and with N.E.W.T.s coming up, everyone will get too preoccupied anyway," Remus said, dropping Peter's hand so he could nudge Sirius around Peter's shoulder.
Peter glanced at Sirius and decided right then and there that if he needed an accomplice while achieving his silent revenge, Sirius would be the one he chose. "I'm glad you're seeing things our way," he said carefully, and then schooled his expression into a smile when he glanced over at Lily.