InsaneJournal

[Fic] What Could Have Been (Lucius/Severus, PG-13)
Title: What Could Have Been
Author: Envinyatar (aka envinyatar15)
Pairing: Lucius/Severus
Rating: PG-13
Highlight for Warnings: somewhat DH-compliant *adultery, character death*
Word Count: 1,587
Summary: Comparing the Dark Lord's Legilimency to orgasm felt almost sacrilegious; after all, his way of reading minds was not much better than rape. The boneless feeling of fatigue, however, was the same, and it had been long, too long, since Severus had had a chance to feel the other kind of bonelessness.

Notes: Well! This was meant to be a quick smutlet. Alas, it grew into something different... Many thanks and my eternal gratitude to zebraspots05 for the beta. She was the one who made this readable. ♥

For challenge_the: #143 name, 10_whores: #07 disoriented


It's been one of those days, when nothing you say comes out right and nothing you do goes right. You suppose you should be used to this kind of thing by now, but really, every time this happens – and it's happened too frequently for you to try and count – anger builds up inside, and you just end up smashing one of your many jars, the mess you create subsequently sending you even further into your fit.

Still, it feels good. Smashing things is better than smashing students, at any rate. Not that anyone would be surprised if you eventually did physically hurt a student, although you certainly wouldn't receive any forgiveness or understanding for such a thing.

Albus and His Children are like the Dark Lord and His Plans. Threaten either only the tiniest fraction, and running for your life will be the only thing saving you.

*~*~*

“Rise, Severus.”

Obediently, Severus rose to his feet, his eyes still downcast.

“Look at me.”

Red eyes met black, and for what felt like an eternity nothing else existed. Flashes of memory, images of events long past and recently happened flew from one mind to the other, carefully examined on both sides, until finally eye contact was broken, leaving Severus gasping for air. These secondsminuteshours of connection with the Dark Lord were the most intense occurrences in his life, the joining of two minds so powerful, sharp and violent, even more intense than the joining of two bodies.

Comparing the Dark Lord's Legilimency to orgasm felt almost sacrilegious; after all, his way of reading minds was not much better than rape. The boneless feeling of fatigue, however, was the same, and it had been long, too long, since Severus had had a chance to feel the other kind of bonelessness.

*~*~*

Severus stood in front of the wooden door, impatiently waiting for the security charms to recognise him and alert the owner. This shouldn't be taking so long. His own wards certainly didn't.

When at long last the door finally opened, Severus could hardly suppress the snarl that threatened to escape past his lips. “Lucius, it is urgent. I need you to take something to the Dark Lord for me.”

Lucius' face didn't betray any emotion except pleasant, meaningless surprise. Only a fool would have expected otherwise. “Severus, old friend! Welcome back! Come in, come in, I imagine you must be feeling quite fatigued. What can I do for you?”

With a sidelong glance to Lucius, Severus entered Malfoy Manor. He was tired indeed – he'd spent weeks in the mountains of Greece, trying to find some rare herbs, and comfort was not to be had. Right now, he just wanted a good drink, a bath and a soft bed, not necessarily in that order.

Speaking with Lucius came first, though, before Severus could take care of his aching bones.

Lucius quickly led Severus to the fireplace in the sitting room and motioned for him to sit down before pouring two shots of Danziger Goldwasser. How typical, Severus thought – what everyone else drank was too simple for someone like Lucius. He drank with an inner eye roll, an appreciative sigh escaping his lips as he opened his eyes again.

Their eyes met over the short distance between them, something Severus usually avoided as much as possible with anyone. Being seen never meant anything good. In the present situation, though... The muscles of his stomach clenched, but not in fear: Lucius had never instilled fear in him. Lust coursed through Severus' veins, the feeling mirrored in his opposite's windows to the soul.

Lucius' eyes told a story of powerful emotions held on a tight leash. They were always there, close to the surface, simmering, swirling, sometimes wrapped in a layer of coldness that wasn't entirely natural to him. Severus wondered whether anyone would understand what those eyes suggested right now, whether anyone would see the fire behind the curtain of ice. But to be truthful the issue couldn't matter less right now.

Severus' priorities had shifted dramatically.

“Come,” was all Lucius needed to say, and with that it was decided.

- - -

Afterwards they lay on the bed, their breath slowly returning to normal, Lucius' arm around Severus' shoulder, Severus' head resting on Lucius' chest. They were silent, but it wasn't an uncomfortable silence. It was how their encounters played out more often than not: there was no need to explain, to excuse, to say anything at all. There was deep contentment and satisfaction in whatever they had.

Was it love between them? Perhaps. Severus didn't know. He'd never felt love before. And in the end, he thought, it didn't really matter – neither of them was someone who needed reassurance all the time. They had what they had, and that was it, as far as he was concerned. Their... affair, for a lack of a better word, wasn't even especially secret: for purebloods such as Lucius, who didn’t marry out of love but because of family interests, it was quite the custom to have a mistress or... a relationship outside of the marriage. Whatever you might want to label it.

Severus turned halfway in the blonde's embrace and lightly bit the soft skin above the collarbone. He earned a groan for that, or rather a purr, and just as the hand on his back began to move south, he got up and turned to the bathroom.

There was a wicked gleam in his eyes as he looked over his shoulder. His lover's vicious snarl always served to amuse him – Lucius was just too used to getting what he wanted. Besides, there was no way Severus would be able to convince his cock to take part in another round that night. The next day, yes, but the bathroom, telling Lucius what he needed him to do, and sleep were the new priorities, in exactly that order.

- - -

Severus settled back into bed, but didn't lean against Lucius like before. Instead, he lay on his side facing his lover, his head supported by his hand.

Lucius had his eyes closed, but Severus knew he wasn't asleep. His breath was too fast for that. And indeed, after a few minutes of quiet, Lucius spoke. “What do you need me to do?”

Severus smirked to himself, then sobered. This was important. “I need you to take the herbs I've gathered to the Dark Lord. I'm too tired to Apparate further, besides I wouldn't even know where to go. I assume he's moved?”

A short nod confirmed it. “What kinds of herbs?”

“I can't tell you that.”

At that, Lucius opened his eyes, his much colder stare fixed on Severus. “Why?”

“Orders. You know I cannot tell you.”

Lucius kept his gaze on Severus for another minute, then closed his eyes again. “I know. You never can, important as you are.”

The silence that followed hung between them like a wall, almost impenetrable. Both of them waited for the other's reaction, anything that indicated... anything at all. Seconds ticked by, then minutes, and neither of them spoke. Severus kept his eyes on the carefully controlled features of Lucius, trying to find out what he'd meant by that. The closed eyes weren't any help.

Only when Lucius rolled away and got up did Severus open his mouth.

“You know it could have played out differently.”

Lucius stopped dead in his tracks, his rigid back still turned to Severus.

“It could have been you. You could have been the Dark Lord. Our master. Your own master, Lucius. Wasn't that what you were striving for when you broke with your father?”

Lucius stood there for another minute, completely motionless, then left the bedroom. He was naked, but there wasn't anything sexual about his movements any longer. His grace was replaced by stiffness.

Touché.

With a thud Severus fell back on the bed, his eyes locked on the ceiling as if it could unravel the mystery that was Lucius Malfoy.

*~*~*

“You have failed me, Severus.”

“I'm sorry, Master. I will not fail you again.”

“Only promise what you know you will be able to fulfill. Crucio.”

Severus writhed on the ground, biting back the pained moans that threatened to escape him. His world consisted of pain and red, everything else forgotten, until at long last the curse was lifted and he lay there, unmoving.

“Rise. Return to your work, and see to it that you succeed this time.”


Gasping, with shaking legs, Severus got up and turned around. His eyes locked with those of Lucius Malfoy, cold, unreadable.

It had been so long, Severus barely remembered how orgasm felt. Barely.

*~*~*

Has it always been like this? Has it always been this hard to get up in the morning, to eat, to walk?

You don't remember it being like this ever before. There have been times of desperation, of indescribable pain and weariness, but not... not like this. Not for years without an end in sight.

Perhaps it was the sex that had made it better, all those years ago, when Draco was still a baby and Narcissa still naïve, and the Dark Lord was still in power. The comfort of release, of being with someone else.

Perhaps. But it won't do to dwell on matters long past. It won't aid you in your confrontations with red eyes, and it won't help you run. Things that could have been are just that – over.

Indeed, in the end your memories don't help you survive, and your death is that of a spy – quiet and in the shadows.