InsaneJournal

Bianca and Scarlet (and Stan and Gary and Paolo) (Fairy Tales, PG-13)
Title: Bianca and Scarlet (and Stan and Gary and Paolo)
Characters: Snow White and Rose Red
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1237
Warnings: None.
Summary: The real Snow White and Rose Red give commentary.
Notes: A Yuletide '08 Treat for Thea. Thanks to florahart for the beta.

Once upon a time, there was a dear widow who lived in a little cottage on the edge of a great wood. In front of her cottage there grew two rose-trees, one bearing roses of deepest red, the other roses of purest white.

This widow had two daughters, called Snow White and Rose Red, and they were just like the two rose-trees. Snow White had skin as pale as the white rose petals, and hair of lightest blonde. Rose Red had a bloom in her cheeks, for she loved to spend time outdoors, and she had hair as black as coal.

"Well," said Scarlet, her brow furrowed, "I guess that's one way to start the story." She blew her hair out of her face and scowled.

"Hush," replied her sister, "Let's keep on. I want to see what they say about our parents."

"Our parents?" Scarlet laughed. "You can tell by the first sentence they've taken Dad out of it entirely. 'A dear widow', that's supposed to be Mom. Dad was away on business, for god's sake! He was in Cleveland!"

Bianca only gave her a look and picked the book up again. "They couldn't say 'and their father was away on business in Cleveland'. It doesn't fit with the tone of the book."

Scarlet shrugged. "I guess you're right." She frowned and pulled her long hair over her shoulder and began to braid it. "Anyway," she mumbled, "My hair's not 'black as coal'. Coal, seriously. I can't believe they said that. Could have at least said something sexy, like 'black as midnight' or 'black as a raven's wing'."

Bianca laughed. "At least you get to be the active one. I'm portrayed as a rose petal, delicate, sitting inside doing my needlework. Just because our mother loves roses. Just watch, those rosebushes are going to be the whole basis of this book."

They read on.

The two sisters were never apart. They would walk through the great wood together, hand in hand, to collect wildflowers for their supper-table or to fetch water from the well. They were glad to do the chores their mother asked of them, for they loved their mother dearly and they shared their work just as they shared the joys and small riches of their life on the edge of the wood.

"Glad to do chores?" muttered Scarlet, "I can't remember the last time I offered to take out the garbage with a smile on my face. I can't remember the last time I took out the garbage, period. Are you sure this is the right book?"

"It's the right one, all right," said Bianca, showing her sister the cover, on which was depicted two girls much younger than themselves, holding hands, one dressed all in red, the other all in white.

"And those girls are us," said Scarlet, "Allegedly. Except they're about twenty years too young and thirty years too innocent."

Bianca heartily agreed with her sister.

"And, I mean, I know this was written for kids, and I knew it would be a watered-down version of what really happened, but what's with the language?" Scarlet continued.

"You mean like supper-table and rose-tree?" asked Bianca. "I haven't the faintest."

"I guess we're only a few paragraphs into the story," said Scarlet then. "I suppose we haven't given it a fair chance. Go ahead, keep reading."

And Bianca did, interrupted by occasional mutterings from her sister, pausing once in a while to frown at the author's interpretation of events.

Finally, in the story, a great bear knocked at the door of the little cottage and asked to be granted entrance, and Scarlet gritted her teeth and closed her eyes.

"No," she said, "No. They didn't."

"I'm afraid they did," said Bianca, reading a little further down the page. "Oh, and it says here that we both played with him, knocking the snow off his coat, then he warmed himself by our fire--"

"Space heater's more like it," said Scarlet with an eyeroll.

"And he slept there overnight, and none of us were afraid. Of a bear. In our house."

"Jesus. I mean, not that we were afraid of Stan, but how the hell did this writer get away with turning him into a talking bear?" She whipped out her cell phone and hit a couple of buttons.

"Are you calling Stan?"

"You bet your ass I'm calling Stan. He needs to know what they--oh. Voice mail." She hung up. "Guess I'll call him later." She heaved a sigh. "Go on, I guess."

Bianca read on. The bear visited several times, then the sisters came across an evil gnome—

"A gnome," Scarlet whimpered, her face in her hands.

—who was trying to protect his gold, rubies, and diamonds.

"At least they got that part right," said Bianca, running a finger over her diamond tennis bracelet.

Scarlet said nothing, contenting herself with admiring her ruby ring.

"And the part where we cut his beard," Bianca remarked, "Though it certainly wasn't caught in a log or a fishing line."

Scarlet ticked off on her fingers. "Chain-link fence, manhole cover, passenger door of an AMC Gremlin."

Bianca nodded and kept skimming the story. "Gary's not in here yet," she muttered, "That's just bizarre. Neither is Paolo."

Scarlet shook her head. "Keep reading," she said, "I'll make more drinks." She picked up Bianca's empty glass and her own and went into the kitchen, where she mixed up two more mojitos. She took a long sip off the top of hers--it was a little full--before heading back out to the patio to find Bianca slumped on her chaise, the book lying on the hot cement beside her. She looked like she might be asleep, there in her white bikini and Jackie O sunglasses, but Scarlet knew her sister, and Bianca wasn't asleep. She was disgusted.

Scarlet put the drinks down, settled onto her own chaise, and looked out across the pool. Paolo, Bianca's pool boy, crouched near the diving board, checking the chlorine level. He saw Scarlet looking at him and waved. Scarlet waved back.

"So?" She finally asked her sister, "Did you finish it? Did Gary and Paolo ever show up?"

Bianca moaned. "See for yourself," was all she said. She flung an arm dramatically over her forehead.

Scarlet picket up the book and took a fortifying sip of her mojito. Whatever the ending, it was apparently really bad.

"Gnome again," she muttered, turning the page, "And the bear...oh, god. Okay, wow. So I married the bear and you married his brother? That's a little, um—"

"Creepy?" Bianca suggested.

"Mmm," Scarlet agreed. "So the brother's supposed to be Gary? He'll be ticked he's not in here except for a mention at the end."

"Paolo's not in there at all," Bianca pointed out. She sat up and took a long drink of the mojito Scarlet had brought.

Scarlet smirked. "That's probably for the best," she said, "What Gary doesn't know certainly won't hurt him."

The two sisters laughed and waved at Paolo again.

"It's a good thing he speaks so little English," laughed Scarlet.

"Why?" asked Bianca, "So he won't read the book?"

Scarlet smiled. "You're so innocent sometimes, honey," she said. "No. So he can't hear our commentary. Particularly when I say things like 'This would be a much more entertaining book if they'd included the threesome between Rose Red, the bear, and Paolo the nonexistent pool boy'."