Eaten by Weasels (eatenbyweasels) wrote in ebw_buffyslash, @ 2008-03-22 18:38:00 |
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Entry tags: | 12, arsebaby, ensemble, humour, wes/angel |
An Ass-Isted Birth
Re-post from LJ. Originally written for dovil‘s Arse-Baby Week. With thanks to vampirefever, who was, as per usual, too polite to refuse to give this the once-over. It’s weird, it’s Wangel and it’s……
An Ass-isted Birth
Wesley: “Ow! Ouch! Angel? Angel! “
Angel: “ Mmmmm... Wesley? It’s two in the morning. What are you doing here? Is something wrong? “
Wesley: “ I’m sorry to wake you, Angel, but the fact is I’m in rather considerable pain.”
Angel: “ Pain? You‘re ill? Injured? That Retsuy demon hit you harder than you thought?“
Wesley: “ No, no, nothing like that. I‘m afraid its my, oh dear!... Angel, there’s something wrong with my behind!”
Angel: “So this pain..... is a pain in the ass?”
Wesley: ”Regrettably, yes. And I can feel something... protruding! Oh, this is totally humiliating! Angel, I hate to ask, but... you wouldn’t be able to take a look, would you?
Angel: “You’re serious? You want me to look up your ass? Hey, Wes, I know we... y’know at the Christmas party, but I don’t reckon we know each other well enough for me to...”
Wesley: “ Not an enviable task, I’ll admit, but you might, perhaps, consider it beneficial to your crusade for...Ow! Ow! Oooow!... redemption?”
Angel: “Yeah? Right now, damnation’s looking just peachy. Okay, okay, I can see you’re in a lot of pain. Just, um, lean over the desk and drop your shorts. Let’s see now... Oh my God!”
Wesley: “What? What is it?”
Angel: “You have two small feet sticking out of your ass!”
Wesley: ”Really, Angel! I’m in a frightful way and if all you can do is make infantile jokes, then I...”
Angel: “No, Wes, I’m serious. Feet. Two of them. Did you eat something with feet yesterday? Because you should probably learn to chew your food more thoroughly.”
Wesley: “Aaaaagh! It twitched! It’s alive! Angel, there’s something large and alive in my back passage!”
Angel: “You said that at the Christmas party, too. Well, except for the alive bit. Look, you just try to push it out and I’ll find something heavy to hit it with.”
Wesley: “Have you any clue as to what it is? What sort of feet can you see?“
Angel: “ Well, now I look closely, they’re kind of... human?”
Wesley: “Human? But... Oh, dear God! The Christmas party! You don’t think...?”
Angel: “The three Furies and that fertility spell they were doing wholesale for the typing pool! Oh, Hell, Wesley! You’re having a baby! Our baby!”
Wesley: “No! This can’t be happening. Not to me. I can’t even type! Oh, Angel! What am I going to do?”
Angel: “Right now,? You’re gonna push. Look, you hold onto the desk and I’ll grab the baby’s ankles and when you push, I’ll pull.”
[So Angel pulled and pulled and Wesley pushed and pushed and screamed and screamed, but the baby remained stuck firmly up Wesley‘s arse.]
Angel: “It’s no good, Wes. I’m gonna have to get some extra help.”
*****
Giles: “I must confess I’m slightly disappointed by your neglect of such basic precautions, Wesley. Have you forgotten the Watchers’ Academy’s first tenet of Supernatural Safe Sex: ‘Never use your plunger where somebody might conjour‘?”
Angel: ” Well, to be perfectly fair to Wesley, it was my plunger, not his...
Wesley: “Ow! Ooooow! Oh, for God’s sake, just get on with it, pleeeeeese!”
Giles: “The words 'old enough to know better' would only seem superfluous at this point, Angel. Now, if you have the baby’s ankles, let’s take the strain and...”
[So Angel and Giles pulled and pulled and Wesley pushed and pushed and screamed and screamed, but the baby remained stuck firmly up Wesley‘s arse.]
Angel: “Giles, we’re gonna need more back-up. Who do you know who wouldn’t faint at the sight of something this huge lodged up a guy’s ass?”
*****
Ethan: “My, my! You’ll pretend not to remember of course, Rupert, but this takes me back to that little party-piece we used to do with our pet marrow, back in ‘75.“
Giles: “I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Ethan: “Oh, come on, Your Librarianship. You’re not play-acting for your young pals now. The things you could do with a ripe bottle-neck gourd would make a Thai hooker blush.”
Giles: “How fortunate, then, that we have neither a bottle-neck gourd nor a Thai hooker on hand to test the veracity of that statement. Now, Lord knows I never thought I’d hear myself say this again, but if you could put your arms around my waist, Ethan...”
Ethan: “Oh, Ripper! I didn’t know you still cared!”
[And so Angel and Giles and Ethan pulled and pulled and Wesley pushed and pushed and screamed and screamed, but the baby remained stuck firmly up Wesley‘s arse...]
*briiing! briiing!*
Giles: “Hello, Xander. I’m sorry to rouse you at this ungodly hour, but we have a supernatural emergency on our hands. Vampires? You might be half-right, but no, there’s no need to bring any weapons. Although a strong stomach might not go amiss. Yes, as quickly as possible please. What? Well, perhaps Anya might consider allowing you to fulfill her orgasm quota at a later time, in view of the circumstances.“
*******
Xander: “Holy haemorrhoids! How did Wesley get that up there?"
Giles: “With a a great deal less trouble than he’s experiencing in getting it down again, I should imagine. Xander, I wouldn’t normally request anyone to do such a thing, but would you be so kind as to wrap your arms around Ethans’ waist?"
Ethan: “A little closer if you don’t mind, dear boy. My! Aren’t you strong?”
Everyone: “Shut up, Ethan!”
[And so Angel and Giles and Ethan and Xander pulled and pulled and Wesley pushed and pushed and screamed and screamed, but the baby remained stuck firmly up Wesley‘s arse.]
Enter Spike: “Ello! Nice arse, Harris. What’s goin’ on? This a private conga or can anyone join in?”
Angel: “Spike! That’s all we need. Never mind, seeing as you’re here, you can help us get this baby out of Wesley’s ass. Just put your arms round Xander’s waist and when I say ‘pull!’, you pull. If your pea-sized brain can absorb that much.”
Spike: “Oi! Less of the pea-sized! I can understand instructions, you know.”
Xander: “He said round my waist, Spike! No lower!”
Spike: “Can’t get my poor little arms round there, can I, you great lardy wanker?”
Xander: ”If there’s a ‘wanker’ in this room, it’s you, Fangless!”
Giles: "Spike! Xander! Can you please stop bickering and concentrate on the job in hand?"
Spike: “’Job in hand!' Hahahah! Like I said; Harris here‘d know all about that! “
[And so Angel and Giles and Ethan and Xander and Spike squabbled pulled and pulled and pulled and pulled and Wesley screamed and screamed and screamed, but....]
Wesley: “I can’t push any more! It’s not working! Oh, Angel!”
Angel: “ Just hold on in there, Wes; It’ll be okay, really. C’mon guys; think! Wesley’s desperate!”
Xander: “Just how desperate, exactly?”
******
Andrew: “Wow! This is so exciting; the six of us joining forces in a battle of man against not so much the elemental but the fundamental...”
Spike: “Oh God! He’s been here thirty seconds and he’s already itching my fangs!”
Giles: “ Yes, Andrew, if we might forestall the narrative in favour of whatever brute force you can muster, this entire incident might be hastened to its conclusion. Now, everyone into your positions, please...”
[And so Angel and Giles and Ethan and Xander and Spike and Andrew pulled and pulled and pulled and pulled and Wesley screamed and screamed and screamed, and then with One. Last. Great. Big. Pull, something went POP!]
*****
Andrew: “Gentlemen, we have been privileged to stand as awed handmaidens to one of Mother Nature’s admittedly grosser miracles. It’s kinda... profound. And unexpectedly sticky.”
Spike: “Well, I’m not touchin’ it! I’m not getting’ arsey demon birth-goo on me leather!”
Ethan: ”Oh, look! It has little fangs! How terribly amusing! I‘m sure I could get Wesley a good price for it on the novelty sacrifices black market. Minus 10% commission, of course.”
Spike: “Fangs? Really? That’s different, then. I suppose it is kinda cute - and hey! A girl!”
Andrew: “We should go clean her up while the others are seeing to Wesley.”
Exeunt Andrew, Spike with arse-baby
Angel: “Giles? Xander? You two can stay with Wesley? He might want an ice-pack on that and I need to go and buy some baby things: a cot, a stroller, clothes, nappies... Just think about it, guys! I’m a dad! Me! I gotta admit I‘m kinda excit...”
*Blood-curdling scream offstage*
Giles: “What in God’s name was that?”
Enter Spike, in blood splattered state: “You might want to add a muzzle and leash to that shopping list, Peaches. Your new arse-daughter just ate Andrew.”
THE END