InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Monkey Boy!"

dean winchester ۶ fallen hero complex (perkynipples) wrote in dust_till_dawn,
@ 2009-04-23 14:17:00

who. dean winchester
what. dean misses his little brother.
when. late night.
where. dean's house.
locked to. sam.
rating. pg-13
status. complete.

Dean knew staying in one place for far too long was a bad thing. Cleveland was a great city--full of amazing people that thrived in the world without so much as second guessing what lingered underneath the cities. Or in his case; he knew there was more to Cleveland than just some horrible evil that clawed at the surface. There was greater evils. Evils that no one suspected especially him. Just as he never expected that he'd technically never expect himself to align himself with one of those forces. He couldn't help it. Dangling not what he wanted the most; no. Dangling what he needed the most. He was never going to open his mouth and tell his brother what he'd done. He just knew that it'd never sit well with his little brother just as it wouldn't the woman he was seeing. Dean just knew that Cordelia wouldn't be as accepting as he wished she would be. He'd made the decision for his family's future.

But then again, that's just Dean was. Some sort of self-sacrificing man. The nature that seemed inherited in all Winchesters. But it was something that was becoming instilled with him that it was something that was wrong. He had the familiar ache of knowing that he was doing wrong by the people in his life. He was doing what he knew needed to be done if he was going to protect the people he'd invited into his life (or back into his life). There was always going to be a fear that he wouldn't be able to protect his brother. That Sammy would give into the evil destiny that was planned for him and some part of him felt helpless against it. It was too much to handle for one person. It was too much for them. He wouldn't admit it. His brother wouldn't admit it as well; but they were always in the same boat despite them saying they were 'just fine'. They never had been for a long time.

Life was becoming more and more bearable though. At least it was for Dean. Despite the fact of practically selling his soul just for possible lies focusing on the lives he wanted to protect; he was also swinging into the amazing lifestyle of someone who was staying in one place. His place, haunted yes, was still stuck right in the middle of suburban Cleveland. He hadn't told his brother and he was too afraid that it was going to be too big of an impression that he was looking for more when it came to Cordelia. Regardless of the fact that he'd taken pictures with his cell phone of the place and sent it to his woman. Something that in a real reality--he would never see himself as someone who was just keeping to one person but with Cordelia it was almost surreal. She wasn't like the other women in his life; she could keep up with the work he had to do. She could handle an axe and deal with the visions that she was plagued with.

What more could he want in life? Well, there was a lot he could want more out of life. He was afraid that he wouldn't be to feel anything for her. Sure, they had a couple good dates. Dates that were foreign to him as he'd admitted to to Cordelia over their first date. "I don't do this a lot. Or...ever." But he seemed to be good at it from the reaction he was getting from Cordy. She didn't kick him to the curb yet, patrolling had gone from going alone to walking around either right next to her. Holding hands with her. Or letting her loop her arm around him and just talking. Something he wasn't used too but he didn't really mind it. Hell, they hadn't even kissed until the second date in which he was oddly romantic in the choosing of locations. He knew it was all different then. But he wasn't going to say anything. He wasn't some campy romantic. If he did feel something for her in the future that resembled anything like he used to when Cassie? Then she would know. Some part of him was glad that she wasn't in the same category of his old flame. There was going to be no expectations of failure nor of being something he wasn't. She knew how he worked. It was a load off Dean's back that he longed for over everything else.

He did this for her too. Not directly but he knew if he had something behind him--he'd hope that further down the line aligning himself with Wolfram and Hart. He would be strong enough to keep her safe no matter what came along their path. Even if he was betraying his morals he still would stay in with his contract. He was now a worker drone for the people who pulled more strings than he could count. Dean got the idea of that when they had referred him to some doctor to invest more into their newest investment. Now he had to deal with field tests and physical exams for a while. Endurance testing before he was allowed to come back to his place and chill out for a bit. Something that Dean was getting used to being watched while he kicked some random demon's ass while they had him in some training room. He went in usually when he wasn't with Cordelia which was a rare moment as of late. Luckily he was good at hiding things--this was the same as anything else. But it hurt as much as it did when he was lying to Sam. The two people he did care about.

The place he moved to didn't have the homeliness that it should have had. Sure, he was primarily focusing on hunting rather than anything else. It was more provided by the people he worked for than anything else. It just had its random pluses such as the spirits that occupied it. Something that Dean got a kick out of--despite the fact that he hated the lights flickering and childish giggles during the night. It was interesting nonetheless. The eldest of the Winchester brothers had invited his little brother over just for some talking to each other. He just needed to know that he didn't do something incredibly stupid by just agreeing to something he shouldn't have. Dean had fixed it up to the point where he had some sort of training room in the basement where he beat up inanimate objects. Dean had just finished--practically killing the bag he'd set up before rubbing the back of his neck and calling his little brother. "You didn't get lost, did you Sammy?" He chuckled, climbing up the stairs before shutting the basement door behind him, rubbing the back of his neck. "Last house on the left. Just look for the Amittyville Horror looking place." His face lit up with a grin as he went to grab a bottle of water.

Dean could deal with lying as he hung up the phone and hung it back on its place before sitting up on the counter while he waited for his little brother to come around. When his brother got there, he was almost right at the door in split seconds before opening the door. "Hey, man, long time no see." Which was true. It had been a while since they spoke but that didn't matter right now as he invited him in before shutting he door behind the both of them.

(Read comments) - (Post a new comment)

clairvoyants
2009-05-04 07:14 am UTC (link)

Maybe they were both fooling themselves. Dean could lease a house, stay with one girl, but their father had tried the same thing. It ended up with burned down house that still had mortgage payments and a deceased mother, who's body was cremated along with the house. He couldn't live that nightmare again. The fact slayers were dying consistent with fires was scaring him, too.

Would if Buffy Summers was next?

She may not be your average slayer, be she had her fair share of deaths to prove she was invulnerable. He couldn't lose another loved one for his own selfishness. He knew his brother would agree, but right now he needed someone to fill his head with lies. He wanted to live in a fantasy and not in reality. If there was even a fragment of chance he could live the life his father couldn't, then he would do it. Why did they always have to be the one who sacrificed everything?

He swallowed at that thought. Mournful eyes thawing out the minute he heard scurrying of invisible feet down the hall. Nimble fingers tightened around his beet bottle, staring badgerly in that direction.

He would have to do some research on this house later. They may not have the corpses to burn, but it didn't hurt to check our the grave sites, maybe find a way to locate the bodies. Dean seemed unnerved by it all, so he wasn't going to worry. If bursting lights, skipping down the halls, and giggling in hush murmurs were all these ghosts were capable of then it didn't plagiarize as a priority. Still, he would have a difficult time wrapping his head around this haunting thing.

"Minus the exploding lights and giggling, it's a nice place. I texted Cordy the day I moved in but she hasn't come over yet." He still couldn't fathom his brother going cold-turkey for one woman. While he was proud he had found someone he could share his secrets with, he wasn't sure how long it would last. Cassie ended horribly, this could still go unwell for him, too. The same concept applied to him and Buffy.

"Cordelia," he responded smoothly. He could understand why a girl was jumping at the chance to check out a haunted place. "How are things going with her anyway?" Dean hadn't told him much on her, and the same went with him. He only knew they'd been dating for about a month and Dean was no longer chatting up other women for a cup of coffee that turned into a one night stand.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

perkynipples
2009-05-04 11:15 am UTC (link)

Even as hunters they were still a little bit different from the rest. Too far into the dark dealings of the things they fought. Now especially. Sam and Dean both had gone too far in to be counted as just a simple "lapse" of judgment on their parts. Dean knew what he was doing, not to an extent where he'd be some law firms superpowered bitch boy but to an extent where he was trying to keep his brother from turning into something he didn't want to become. It was an endless fear that rolled like an incoming storm inside him. What would happen if he failed? What would happen if Sammy was lost? The questions he knew his father asked himself up until he put that weight on his shoulders and died. There was no going back from that. No matter what spell was cast or deal was made -- the result would still be the same even if he wanted to say it wasn't. Winchester blood would always be spilled and there would always be one standing...feeling the guilt and the weight of the lives that had been lost.

It was heredity. He was sure of it. His father couldn't amount to the self hate that he pushed on them. Dean's own actions weren't dictated by what he wanted. They hadn't been since he was a kid. They were actions that were dictated by the mentality his father had slammed into his mind while he was growing up. Be the good soldier, fight the good fight. Up until your skin is falling off your bones and the blood was pooling at your feet and even then still fight. Keeping up with the fight would be the only thing to keep him from losing himself even though he didn't exactly know what he was fighting for anymore. His father? His brother? Both of them. Whatever it was, he knew it was for all the wrong reasons because it was always someone else he planned to die for. Not himself. He hadn't been told to think for himself; he hadn't been ordered to.

Sam didn't understand. He knew that he wouldn't understand because the younger Winchester just had the look about him whenever Dean spoke of giving up anything for the sake of his family. He'd breeze, a far distanced look in his eyes whenever Dean went on his spiel of how they were family and family needed to watch out for each other. Dean believed it. Believed that in the end they wouldn't get by without each other but they still were struggling to do so. The elder Winchester didn't want to tell his brother, what he had done in the name of keeping up his safety. He didn't know how Sam would look at him and he knew that he wouldn't understand it. He wasn't even sure if he understood it all that much when he was pressured into thinking that this was the only way. Even though the pressure only came from himself.

He didn't want to sell his brother out on the belief that he was going to go darkside. He needed to take the precautions that John had left up to him when he whispered those words to him. When he made him swear against everything he believed in that he would. There was no way that he could sit there and say that he wasn't afraid. That he was sure he'd have to go through those steps to ensure that his brother was still in the prime of his life. He didn't want his baby brother to die a monster. He didn't want him to have that hanging over his head even though he, himself, would have his hands caked in his blood at the end of every 'Sammy does darkside' scenario in his mind. The world they knew wouldn't end in flames. The only thing that would was him. Dean Winchester, despite being the "good guy" even though he was warped now. The hero of the story wasn't going to be him anymore. He knew that the moment he signed the papers and did the little monkey dance to give him a guarantee that everything will be put to the test to make sure Azazel's plans for Sam didn't pan out.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

perkynipples
2009-05-04 11:16 am UTC (link)

Some part of Dean wanted to believe that their life in Cleveland would remain that. Their life. He wanted to think that Sammy would finally get the girl, get what he wanted. He wanted to believe that he got the girl too. That he could live out the scenarios of coming to a house that was scattered with toys and some dog that had to be tied up in the back because it at the furniture when the family was gone. That he had a job -- aside from the hunting. He wouldn't fool himself that normalcy would happen over night. Dean knew what he wanted, he knew he wanted peace but he knew the fight would always be there. He wanted a medium. He just didn't know if it was possible or not a man who'd given up everything for the one person who probably didn't want the effort put into his life.

Dean didn't move from his spot when the giggles and the hushed murmurs reached his ears. He was used to it. Used to them staring and slamming the doors open and shut. They were harmless from his experiences and from the experiences of the previous only. It was just creepy to them and he didn't hold anything against that. They were just there because it was the last place that they would have called home -- he couldn't say that was a bad thing. He knew what it was like to feel a certain attachment to a place, thing, or a person. The bursting lights dying out when they spirits realized that it wasn't going to be as amusing as it would be if it had been someone who didn't know of their existence. Or believe in it for that matter. He wasn't exactly going to hate on them for wanting to play for the rest of their afterlives.

Just until they did something bad, then the might have had a problem. No murders, no suicides, the house was practically clean except for when it came to the group of delinquent spirits that Dean almost found a kinship with. They were abandoned...all they had were each other. Even after death they sought one another out to make sure they were alright before spending the rest of their days playing in the halls of the home they'd been raised in. Some part of him was afraid he'd turn out just the same. Stuck wanting to do something after he was gone but unable to figure out what exactly. So he'd do what he always did when he was alive.

He couldn't even fathom himself going cold-turkey for one woman. He could say it was because Cordelia Chase wasn't just any woman and he was right in that sense. She wasn't like Cassie. She wasn't like anyone he'd ever allowed through the doors of his life. Talking came easy, everything came easier when she was around because for a time he could pretend he wasn't some hunter even though most dates were spent strolling around. Patrolling and making sure that those who needed helping were...helped. They held hands. She laughed when he ate too much at the vendor and would complain about his stomach hurting before they would usually rest on a street bench. Two big dates ( a word he didn't apply easily to his life ) and a hell of a lot of get togethers later and Dean was sure that there was never going to be another Cordelia so he might as well try to grab her while he could.

They couldn't have been more opposite though. Dean admired how easily she could slip right back into society while he was stuck on the sidelines watching her. She had enough life for the both of them that he was just along for the ride. But he wasn't complaining. He liked the feeling that there was someone there that might actually want to catch him when he fell. Something he wasn't used too. Sure, there was his brother. His brother who tried to insist he could carry the weight and understand what he was going through but to Dean it was wishful thinking. Dean didn't want to put the weight of his world on his brother's shoulders so he was just sharing it with Cordelia slowly and surely he was.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

perkynipples
2009-05-04 11:16 am UTC (link)

"How are things going with her anyway?" His face lit up with a smile, giving a shrug as he finished his water and tossed the water bottle into the trashcan. "As good as any relationship with me can get, I guess. She hasn't left me yet or slapped me so I think I'm off to a good start." He laughed, tucking his hands under his arms as he stood in the kitchen. There was a slight air of nervousness, but nothing Dean didn't just brush totally off to start anew. "She's different and I'm pretty sure she'd kick my ass if she saw me trying to take home another woman." In his mind, he had the picture of the ideal woman. He did since he was younger and Cordy seemed to fit the bill to a tee. Strong, good head on her shoulders, able to put up with his bullshit.

His lips curved into a smirk as he pushed himself up on the counter and glanced over to his little brother. He wasn't going to spill completely of what was going on with him and Cordelia. He wasn't some chick at a sleep over. "We've been on a couple dates, kicked a couple vamps asses. She made me wait till the second date to even fuckin' kiss her." Which wasn't the case entirely. Dean worked himself up to it. As he had said before. She was different. He was a different man when he was with her and he wasn't ashamed of that person either. "So how goes you and blondie? Anything on that front or is the only Winchester hooking up me? Cuz if that's the case than I think it might be the end of the world. House, girlfriend, no women on the side. Next thing you know I'll be working a civi job and adopting a dog."

Technically, he would think being employed by Wolfram and Hart was already a job. Some part of him wanted to tell his brother and another part knew his brother would probably try to beat the shit out of him. "Dude, what do you know about this Wolfram and Hart shit?" An icebreaker? He just wanted to test the waters and Wolfram and Hart was always a name he heard when he was questioning some demon or the like.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

clairvoyants
2009-05-04 04:58 pm UTC (link)

Family ends in blood according to the Winchesters. Every family member another photograph in a scrapbook - a coursing memory to be left unspoken. He knew some day soon it might be theirs. Every minute was a chance for some demon to chop of their heads and mantle them in their lair. They had a bounty on their heads, which is what hunters asked for when they slaughtered off the demon race on by one. There were expectations, those like Azazel, but that didn't make him feel less worried. What Azazel saw in him was something worth preserving. Sam was special according to him. He had powers that he couldn't explain, and maybe those abilities were meant to be harness in ultimate evil. All he wanted was to be normal. It was bad enough everything he was, the lifestyle he chose was completely out of the ordinary, and now he had to suffer something much greater. How long would it be before psychic abilities and telekinesis turned into something more deeper - on another plane completely?

There were moments he would notice his brother staring at him, like he was a complete stranger or afraid some day he might be. Maybe that's why they were growing so distant. Sam was afraid himself, and Dean was afraid of what he might be. He missed him, but until he settled with his own issues, he couldn't be around Dean. He knew if they were under the same roof, his brother would catch on to the late night research and discover he has been tracking down Azazel, while also trying to save Buffy. There be no end to it if he'd known. He would probably get a few punches to the face for it. It was dangerous what he was doing. He was asking for death. Maybe it would of been better that way. At last six feet under the ground he couldn't hurt anyone. Azazel wouldn't be able to use him for whatever reason he had intended.

What he wanted was to teleport in time. He wanted a chance to interrogate his father, urge for answers that he felt inclined to keep secret until his last breath. He wanted to know why Azazel was there the night of his mother's death. Why had he'd been hovering over his crib? There were so many questions rummaging through his brain. It was eating away at him, and he couldn't shake it. There was drumming in his ears, rhythmic, that he couldn't ignore. Vengeance would be empty if he still didn't know what he was, and why his family had to pay for it in blood. The amount of guilt weighed him down. He felt hopeless, responsible for every thing that went wrong in his life. And he knew there would be more to come. There would be more consequences if kept getting close to people.

He wondered if his brother thought the same thing. What they did entailed they separated their lives completely. If they hunted, even once, they would always be a hunter. They could never retire, and try to live a normal life. The people they grown close to would always be a liability. It was the reason why they stayed on the road, had their loves, and left them. That way they wouldn't be put in danger. Now he was beginning to think dating Buffy was a big mistake. Even if she was a slayer, it didn't mean she couldn't be killed. If something happened to her, he would never forgive himself. It would hurt as badly as it did Jessica. He would grow numb. But leaving her felt like a betrayal to himself. Even more of a burden. There was so much life in Buffy that he clung on to. He needed happiness in his life. All he wanted was some shred of joy in his life. Maybe he was asking for too much. He signed off his happiness the day he went on his first hunt. He would never forgive his father for introducing them to this life. It was the reason he rebelled and went off the college, abandoning everything behind them.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

clairvoyants
2009-05-04 04:59 pm UTC (link)

For one moment in his life, he thought he would be given that happiness. That was until his brother showed up on his doorstep informing him their father was missing. He should of left automatically, and told Jessica to pack up her things and get out of town. Maybe then she still would been alive. Instead he threatened her life by staying, thinking he could escape his past, but instead it bit him right on the ass. He would never forget the night, peeling his eyes open, witnessing the woman he loved pinned to the ceiling engulfed in flames. It was so horrific, he was starting to have the nightmares again, except this time Buffy's body had replaced Jessica's. She would scream in agony, and there would be nothing he could do about it. All he could do was watch her burn right above him.

His thoughts were put on the pause when he heard more giggling. The whole haunting thing was starting to get old. He could now understand why Dean didn't take this seriously. They were pranksters, nothing more. Nothing life threatening. Still it had to be annoying to replace light bulbs and explain to company why doors were closing on their own and lights were flickering. The wind and electrical currents could only go so far. He imagined Dean had a smirk on his face every time someone would ask. He glared another time, when he felt a brush of fingers across his lower back. Although he imagined they were starting to like him if they weren't try to shatter his eyeballs with broken glass. The giggling died out and only a minor ruckus up the stairs, before there was silence again. He took a sip from his beer, appreciating the moment of peace.

Sam evaluated his brother, nothing small changes in his smiles and the glint in his eyes. Maybe this Cordelia Chase was going some good for him. She had to be doing something right if he was giving up late nights looking for a good lay, and declining his membership at the nudy bar. It seemed love was working all around Cleveland. Still it also meant Dean was putting Cordelia endanger, even if she met it every day long before she ever met a Winchester. Azazel was still alive, and seeming to enjoy destroying everything that the Winchesters held dearest. He knew there would be a blood bath soon. It was the when that he was still figuring out.

"As good as any relationship with me can get, I guess. She hasn't left me yet or slapped me so I think I'm off to a good start." Sam was proud of his brother. He thought it was great he was settling down. They both deserved something solid, even if it wouldn't last long. If they were going to stay in town they mind as well find themselves someone to spend the long nights with. "She's different and I'm pretty sure she'd kick my ass if she saw me trying to take home another woman." A woman with an attitude? Oh, she was definitely Dean's soulmate. They may not be off to reciting their vows, but this was the secondest longest relationship Dean has had. Hopefully it would end better then it had with Cassie. For Sam it would be more difficult.

The last two women he loved were either killed by him or killed by a demon. At least he knew Buffy wasn't a werewolf, so he wouldn't have to worry about putting her down like Old Yeller. Azazel still opposed a threat, along with every other demon who wanted an opportunity at vengeance. Even if they could pivot around all those threats, there was still the fact she was dog meat soon. There was nothing worse then the thought that not only would she die, but she would suffer eternity in the depths of Hell. She would be damned eternally, and he would blame himself. He would blame that Justice bitch for forcing her to sell her soul to save her former lover.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

clairvoyants
2009-05-04 05:00 pm UTC (link)

Angel. The name traced through his mind and he bit at his inner cheek thinking about him. He still couldn't wrap his head around a slayer loving a vampire - or any human for that matter. She was scarce on the details, and he didn't have the heart to push her. He wasn't a saint himself. He had skeletons in his closet. He loved a werewolf, but he killed her because he knew he had to. She had known it too, but it didn't make it any easier driving that bullet through her heart. He shuttered at the thought of ever having to make that choice again.

"Dude, what do you know about this Wolfram and Hart shit?" He raised his head, surprised by the question, but didn't neglect to respond. "Not much. I did some research. They seem legitimate on the surface. But Buffy told me they usually have a hidden agenda behind their negotiations." He paused, evaluating his brother's expressions. "Why do you ask?"

What could be the reason he would bring that up? Wolfram & Hart was starting to be famous, especially since one of their firms was located here. They seemed to play a huge part in the demon world, but they weren't technically evil. Still, he trusted Buffy's words against the press. There was something peculiar about them, sinister.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

(Read comments) -