Family ends in blood according to the Winchesters. Every family member another photograph in a scrapbook - a coursing memory to be left unspoken. He knew some day soon it might be theirs. Every minute was a chance for some demon to chop of their heads and mantle them in their lair. They had a bounty on their heads, which is what hunters asked for when they slaughtered off the demon race on by one. There were expectations, those like Azazel, but that didn't make him feel less worried. What Azazel saw in him was something worth preserving. Sam was special according to him. He had powers that he couldn't explain, and maybe those abilities were meant to be harness in ultimate evil. All he wanted was to be normal. It was bad enough everything he was, the lifestyle he chose was completely out of the ordinary, and now he had to suffer something much greater. How long would it be before psychic abilities and telekinesis turned into something more deeper - on another plane completely?
There were moments he would notice his brother staring at him, like he was a complete stranger or afraid some day he might be. Maybe that's why they were growing so distant. Sam was afraid himself, and Dean was afraid of what he might be. He missed him, but until he settled with his own issues, he couldn't be around Dean. He knew if they were under the same roof, his brother would catch on to the late night research and discover he has been tracking down Azazel, while also trying to save Buffy. There be no end to it if he'd known. He would probably get a few punches to the face for it. It was dangerous what he was doing. He was asking for death. Maybe it would of been better that way. At last six feet under the ground he couldn't hurt anyone. Azazel wouldn't be able to use him for whatever reason he had intended.
What he wanted was to teleport in time. He wanted a chance to interrogate his father, urge for answers that he felt inclined to keep secret until his last breath. He wanted to know why Azazel was there the night of his mother's death. Why had he'd been hovering over his crib? There were so many questions rummaging through his brain. It was eating away at him, and he couldn't shake it. There was drumming in his ears, rhythmic, that he couldn't ignore. Vengeance would be empty if he still didn't know what he was, and why his family had to pay for it in blood. The amount of guilt weighed him down. He felt hopeless, responsible for every thing that went wrong in his life. And he knew there would be more to come. There would be more consequences if kept getting close to people.
He wondered if his brother thought the same thing. What they did entailed they separated their lives completely. If they hunted, even once, they would always be a hunter. They could never retire, and try to live a normal life. The people they grown close to would always be a liability. It was the reason why they stayed on the road, had their loves, and left them. That way they wouldn't be put in danger. Now he was beginning to think dating Buffy was a big mistake. Even if she was a slayer, it didn't mean she couldn't be killed. If something happened to her, he would never forgive himself. It would hurt as badly as it did Jessica. He would grow numb. But leaving her felt like a betrayal to himself. Even more of a burden. There was so much life in Buffy that he clung on to. He needed happiness in his life. All he wanted was some shred of joy in his life. Maybe he was asking for too much. He signed off his happiness the day he went on his first hunt. He would never forgive his father for introducing them to this life. It was the reason he rebelled and went off the college, abandoning everything behind them.