annie nikolaev ☆ mary, queen of scots. (ofscots) wrote in dunhavenic, @ 2018-10-14 22:23:00 |
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Entry tags: | !log, * jamie, * kit, c: aleksandr nikolaev, c: annie nikolaev |
WHO: Alex & Annie Nikolaev
WHEN: Tuesday, October 9, 2018; Early Morning
WHERE: Their house!
SUMMARY: Alex dreams of Nikolai’s affliction.
WARNINGS: None, really!
He could never completely remember what happened when he was transformed, but Nikolai wasn't sure that he had to recall the details to get an accurate account. Zoya rarely went into deep detail, unless it was something he absolutely had to know. He assumed it was her attempt to spare him further shame and embarrassment -- as it was, truly, what he felt, as he needed her assistance in buttoning up his clean shirt after divesting himself of the ripped one that was dotted with the same blood he had to wash from his face and hands. Still, it was her presence that he appreciated most after these incidents. She may not have always given him more than the details she felt were pertinent, but it was her sarcasm and occasionally biting wit that he needed. It was distraction. It made him feel more like himself. Even as their conversation moved from his uninvited guest (or affliction, as he seemed to prefer), Nikolai couldn't be irritated by Zoya's attempts at matchmaking. Not only did he know she had a point, but it was something else he could focus on that wasn't that the monster that overcame him had come forth and escaped, yet again, and that he could truly feel the time slipping from them as they approached his situation being caught by the wrong person. Their teasing and banter reached a point where Nikolai couldn't continue. His entire demeanor changed, become world-weary as he said, "I cannot take a wife while I am in this state. I cannot forge a marriage founded on lies." "Aren't most?" "Ever the romantic." "Practical." The response might have been enough to draw a smile from Nikolai's lips, but they were interrupted by Tolya's signal. "We cannot go on this way, Nikolai." It seemed Zoya had lost her own desire for banter in that moment, too. "We must all do what is required." Nikolai sighed. Again, he knew that she was right. He had known what his expectations would be when he sought to take on the mantle of his father's crown, long before all of this had happened to him and their country. He had known the expectations of being a royal, far before Sankta Alina, nichevo'ya, and a civil war had become his life. But now they were on the other side of that civil war and still reeling from the consequences of it all. How could he be expected to step into the expectations of heirs and dynasties when he couldn't be expected to stay human for extended periods of time? Deflecting, he opened his arms to the grisha. "Then come here, Zoya, and kiss me sweetly as a new bride would." It took very little time to get through the guards, their ruse of a drunken night out between a king and one of his advisors easily swallowed -- as it always was. Normally they would fall out of their roles as soon as they were out of eyeshot, but today Nikolai couldn't bring himself to let go of Zoya. He left his arms around her, even as she brought the conversation back to the matter at hand. "Eventually someone will see or talk. We've had no luck in finding a cure. Marry. Forge an alliance. Make an heir. Secure the throne and Ravka's future." Nikolai took in a slow breath, his tone more worn and downtrodden than he wanted it to. If he was going to show that weakness, though, it was Zoya that he knew he could show it to. She saw him at his worst. She had fetched and sat in this carriage with his worst only a short while ago. "I will. I'll do all of it. But not tonight. Tonight let's pretend we're married." "And what does that entail?" "Let's tell each other lies as married couples do. It will be a good game." An escape, really. An escape that he found himself in desperate need of. "Go on, wife. Tell me I'm a handsome fellow who will never age and who will die with all of his own teeth in his head. Make me believe it." "I will not." "I understand. You've never had a talent for deception." He was playing with her, knowing that it would bother her just enough to make her go along with him. "Perhaps the list of my talents is so long you just haven't gotten to the end." "Go on, then, Nazyalensky." "Dearest husband." Nikolai almost burst out laughing at the sweetness she injected into her tone, so unlike the Zoya he knew. "Did you know the women of my family can see the future in the stars?" At that, he couldn't help a laugh. "I did not." "Oh yes. And I've seen your fate in the constellations. You will grow old, fat, and happy, father many ill-behaved children, and they will tell your story in legend and song." Nikolai smiled, though she could not see it as his face was still largely pressed to her hair. "Very convincing. You're good at this game." He fell silent, the smile fading away. The game might have been meant as an escape, but there was no true escape from what they were facing. When he spoke again, his tone was just as teasing, but the words spoke more of the truth at the worry he felt. "Now tell me I'll find a way out of this. Tell me it will be all right." "It will be all right. We'll solve this problem as we've solved all the others before." Nikolai closed his eyes, letting her words and promise wash over him as he felt her shift against his chest. "Do you believe me?" "Yes." "See?" Her head came to rest against his chest again, a comfort he wasn't sure he deserved. "You're good at this game, too." When Alex woke from the dream, it wasn't with a deep gasp or a moan of pain, like he had grown so used to. The dreams of the monster seemed to come and go. There were weeks where he would be visited by them nightly, sometimes more than once in one night. There were other weeks where he would be blessedly spared. But sometimes he had dreams like this one, where Nikolai was himself -- at least, for the most part. It was after those dreams that Alex woke slowly, almost as naturally as he would when a beam of morning sunlight caught his face through the curtains. There was no sunlight now, though. He was lying on his stomach, facing away from Annie in such a way that made it easy for him to reach over for his cell phone on the bedside table. It wasn't far off from when he would normally wake up to take Anya for their morning run, but early enough where he would have liked to have enjoyed the extra sleep. As he always did, Alex had a brief fight with himself as to what he should do next. In the end, he chose to stay in bed. Carefully, he turned over on his side until he was facing Annie. One of his arms slid under his pillow, the other reached out to smooth over her hair. It had been over a year now since the dreams had started and Alex had gotten to know Nikolai Lantsov. In that time, he'd watched as he struggled to become a leader, struggled with the magic the Darkling had used against him, struggled to juggle being a king in the aftermath of it all. He'd felt his feelings as though they were his own, the pull between his personal desires and what he knew was best for his country. It seemed that he always chose the latter, wanting to be the king that his people deserved. It was why Alex wasn't surprised at the talk of heirs and marriages. It had always been on Nikolai's mind, but it was now that it seemed wholly important, no matter what darkness he was still fighting -- perhaps because of that darkness. Alex blew out a sigh, his eyes roving over Annie. She had been fighting with similar dreams, though without the threat of magic and monsters. He didn't know what it meant that the two of them were dreaming about noble leaders that were constantly at war with themselves over what was best for them and the people they were meant to serve, but he found himself unsurprised. Their alternate selves may not have existed in the same world, but they were cut from the same cloth. He liked to think the same of the two of them. It was uncommon for Annie to not dream about Mary these days. It was like the moment she closed her eyes, she seamlessly slipped into this other life that didn’t seem willing to pause for her. Lately, it had all just been more of the same. Francis was continually pulling away from her, making choices that no King she could love would make, and tensions between the Catholics and Protestants were swelling to an all time high. The only real brightside Annie could see was the fact that, by now, none of it was surprising. It made her heart ache in similar ways as Mary’s, but that ache had dulled the longer she’d come to expect Francis’ disappointing choices and the longer she grew used to being married to a stranger she’d once loved. So when Annie slowly roused from sleep to find Alex already awake and turned toward her, it was easier than it used to be to pull herself from the very real memories of yet another argument with her dream husband to be present with her real husband. She smiled sleepily and stifled a yawn as her arm moved to drape over his waist, revelling in the way his fingers so gracefully skimmed over her hair. “What time is it?” she asked, slowly noting the darkness of the room that seemed a little too dark for their usual wake up time. “Did something wake you up?” Despite the details of the dream still very sharp and impossible for Alex to fully ignore, a small smile stretched across his features as he watched Annie wake. She was beautiful, that much was undeniable, but there was something about the lingering peacefulness of sleep that clung to her expression and smile that made his heart warm. It was moments like that which left him unsure of how he had gotten so damn lucky. "Too early," Alex said, answering her first question with a follow up, "We're not supposed to be up for another hour or so." Her second question had just as easy an answer in theory, but in practice it felt heavy. The smile that she'd inspired melted away. "I had a dream. I wasn't a monster this time around, though. At least, I don't remember that part of it." Annie shifted until she could tuck herself in against Alex, letting out a slow sigh. She might have been getting used to her own dreams but that didn’t mean she didn’t appreciate the toll Alex’s dreams must take on him. She let her fingers roam gently over his spine as she asked, “Do you want to talk about it? We’ve got an hour, at least, and I’d rather spend it listening to you than trying futilely to go back to sleep.” There was a very real part of Alex that wanted to just ignore it all and attempt to fall back asleep. After a year of dreams and feeling as though his emotions were dragged through the mud again and again, it was so tempting to just fall back into some form of denial. It was a useless thought, though. He knew well enough that ignoring all of this was going to do nothing. He had tried early on to do exactly that and it just weighed on him. Sharing this with Annie, like he did all other things, felt like the only true release. She was a comfort to him, just as he knew he could be to her. Stifling that part of him that wanted to forget about it all, Alex leaned in a bit closer to Annie to wrap his own arm around her. Her fingers on his back calmed his stormy mind, to the point where he let his eyes flutter closed as he started to speak. "It was after the war. I had thought -- I'd thought that once it was all over with, he was back to being his normal self and just trying to rule Ravka and he did for a long while. Then he started turning into the monster again. His advisors and guards would have to track him down. They'd find him bloody and dangerous as ever. That's -- that's what had happened in this one. They found him at a goose farm. There was a child there..." Alex's squeezed his eyes more tightly shut as his words faded. When he continued, his voice was quiet. "They got to him before anything happened." Annie’s heart broke for her husband. She couldn’t imagine what dreams or experiences like that would feel like but, knowing how much fear and worry was a constant resident in her Queen’s heart, she could only imagine what it would be like to pile more on top of that. “The important thing is that they did get to him, my love,” she replied, her fingers pausing only a moment before resuming their patterns. “How often does this happen? The turning, I mean. How often do his advisors and guards have to find him?” "It had started up again about six months before what I saw in the dream," Alex explained, his eyes opening again to look at Annie in the darkness. "It was a surprise at first, then it started to happen more frequently. They took precautions to make sure he couldn't get out. Chaining him to the bed, medicine so he'd sleep too deeply for the monster to emerge, that kind of thing. It didn't always work, though." Despite the focus of this particular dream, Alex could remember those nights with the heavy press of chains around his ankles and wrists or the bitter taste of Genya's tonics that would lull him into an almost immediate sleep. Like Nikolai, he couldn't help but wonder how long they would be able to keep the pretense up. Eventually the wrong person would see him fly from his rooms in the castle. It put him and his entire reign on even more shaky ground. "One of his advisers, Zoya -- yes, I know." He actually let out a huff of laughter at the name of the Squaller and his sister's before he continued, "She wants Nikolai to get married and have an heir as soon as possible, to secure his rule." Annie had to roll her eyes, though she doubted he could see the gesture. “Of course. Why wouldn’t marriage and heirs be the top priority, even if the King is dealing with a curse that makes either of those things a tad more difficult,” she replied, her fingers never faltering along their gentle course. “You’d think monarchs are nothing more than brood mares. But even more importantly, do you know if they’re working on a way to cure what ails Nikolai?” A small smile stretched Alex's features at Annie's response. He knew that she would understand that particular bit of the dream; she dealt with it all too frequently with Mary. She may not have had to deal with some dark curse that turned her into a winged beast, but that didn't make it any less frustrating; in fact, he knew from watching enough period dramas and history classes that she still probably had it worse as a female monarch than he could have ever dreamed, winged beast or no. Tipping his head, Alex pressed a gentle kiss to Annie's jaw, almost in thanks for understanding. As soon as he backed away, though, he answered, "They are, I think. They have been since it started. It's just not as easy as any of them would have hoped, I guess. They don't even know why it started. He had been fine for so long after the war." Pausing to swallow hard as he felt Nikolai's emotions still swimming through him, he continued, "I think the hardest part is that he doesn't have much hope. He wants to believe that everything will be fine and they'll succeed in the end, but I don't think he's very convinced of it." Annie considered that. If she tried to put herself, or Mary, in the same shoes, how would she have felt? If she knew there was something holding her back from being able to be one hundred percent present for her people, or that something about her inherently threatened the safety of her people, would she have hope? She liked to think she would, but she also knew what it was to feel hopeless, though in her case it was a lack of hope in her king. After a moment, she said, “I think this other Zoya might be right about one thing, then. Maybe what Nikolai needs is someone who gives him hope when he doesn’t have any. It seems an awful burden to carry alone for anyone, much less a king.” Alex hadn't thought about it like that, though he found himself liking the reasoning immediately. His mind went to the comfort that Nikolai had felt with Zoya in his arms, the two pretending at being lovers for the guards, then husband and wife for each other. It hadn't been enough for Alex to completely understand to what extent the king's feelings might have gone when it came to his adviser, but there was no doubt in his mind that he could have benefited in having someone that he could trust and maybe even love in his life. After all, Alex had exactly that in Annie. He and Nikolai were different in some ways, but alike in just as many others. He had a feeling this was one of the times they were alike. "I think you're right," Alex agreed. He hesitated for a breath before admitting, "He had a moment with Zoya. I don't know if anything will come of it, but just the idea of having someone close to him that isn't strictly for governmental purposes... I think it would be good for him." There was a small pang of jealousy that couldn’t be helped, but as Annie mulled over that idea, she felt mostly comfort that maybe Nikolai wouldn’t always be alone. After all, Alex and Nikolai were as much a part of each other as she and Mary were, and she knew that, even in this life, she’d want to know that Alex wasn’t alone if she couldn’t be by his side. After a moment, she nodded and looked up at him. “I think it would be, too. I hope that he finds someone like that in his life, I really do. Being royal, for as privileged a life as it is, is terribly isolating. Let’s hope Zoya sharing a name with Zoya doesn’t mean anything, though, because that could get awkward.” The last bit was true, but she said it mostly for his benefit. She didn’t know if it would alleviate the concerns that arose in the dreams, but she’d settle for Alex’s warm laugh. That did draw a laugh from Alex, though it was quickly followed up by a groan. He rolled away from Annie just a bit, laying flat on his back and pressing one of his hands to his forehead -- maybe a bit melodramatic, but he wasn't above playing it up for a little levity. In all honesty, he was pretty sure they had nothing to worry about; Alex hadn't met anyone that shared dreams with him, but he thought that he'd just know if he did. Still, he couldn't help but cling to the joke, "Let's just hope that the name is just a happy coincidence." He turned his head to look in her direction again, laughing once more. "I mean, really hope." |