Current mood:

calm

Fic: On the Gag Reflexex of Horny Young Men and Armadillos
Title: On the Gag Reflexes of Horny Young Men and Armadillos
Author: eeyore9990
Pairing: Snape/Draco/Harry, briefly mentions past Harry/Ginny and current Ron/Hermione
Length: ~3600
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros. Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Warnings: Requires the suspension of disbelief, PWP, EWE, AU-ish (Snape is alive and no reason is given for this other than he needs to be healthy enough to sustain an erection, obviously), blowjobs, snowballing, facials, student-teacher (all participants are over the age of 18)
Prompt: 4. Detention never goes out of style!
Summary: What is detention for, if not a wildly inappropriate threesome between a professor, an impertinent brat and an embittered war-hero? (I promise those are the only euphemisms in the whole thing. I've got them out of my system now, thanks. :D)
Author Notes: Thanks to leela_cat for the amazing beta and to the usual suspects for allowing me to flail at them when the fic refused to cooperate.

---

"Detention, Potter!"

Harry groaned, dropping his head to the worktable with a thunk. Why him? Why did Snape always have to single him out? It was bloody unfair is what it was.

Draco Malfoy—working at the cauldron next to his—snickered, causing Harry to lift his head and glare at the fucking berk.

"You think it's funny?" Harry hissed, cutting his eyes to the front of the room to ensure Snape wasn't paying attention—he'd surely have another detention heaped upon him if he was caught talking again. "It's your bloody fault!"

"Of course it is. But you'll notice that I don't allow myself to be caught."

"Mr Malfoy, is there something you'd like to share with the class?"

Harry froze, noticing that Malfoy did as well before they both whipped their heads around to face the front of the room.

"Sir?" Malfoy asked in that snottily obsequious tone he always used with Snape.

"I said, is there something you'd like to share with the class? Some random bit of humour that has caused you to disrupt my class?"

"Oh. No, sir—" Harry gagged when Malfoy actually batted his eyelashes, "—I was simply remarking to Potter that—"

"Detention, Mr Malfoy."

Harry literally had to bite his lips together to keep from laughing out loud at the look of complete and utter shock on Malfoy's face.

"I—I—what?"

Instead of saying it again, Snape waved his wand and the word 'Detention' along with its definition appeared on the blackboard. "Need I elaborate?"

"N-no, sir."

"Seven o'clock, Thursday. Do not be late. Either of you. Now, as you have successfully wasted the last ten minutes, you will each receive zero points for today's potion." Another wave of his wand and the potions bubbling in their cauldrons disappeared.

Thursday night was going to be bloody awful.

---

"Hey! Potter!"

Harry ignored Malfoy, going so far as to turn bodily away from the other boy in case Snape should look up and catch Malfoy speaking to him. He'd have to know that Harry wasn't participating in Malfoy's wilful disobedience of the rules of detention. Harry's shoulders drooped as reality overwhelmed him.

Snape had never taken Harry's innocence into consideration when handing out punishment. Why should this time be any different?

"Psst. Potter!"

Harry spun around and mouthed What?! with appropriately aggravated hand-gestures.

"I bet I can seduce Snape before you can."

Harry stared blankly at Malfoy before he shook his head, disgusted. "No, you wanker," he whispered. "I'm not going to make a bet about seducing Snape."

"Why not? He's sexy as fuck. You know you want him."

Taking a deep breath to force down his anger and embarrassment, Harry just shook his head and jabbed his finger down his armadillo's throat, trying not to retch when it did. The bile that spewed forth managed to mostly hit the collection container, though some did spill to the worktable when Snape snapped, "Potter!"

Setting the armadillo back in its cage, Harry cleaned the bile off his hands and blew out a breath before he looked up and said, "Yes, sir?"

"What is so important that you feel compelled to speak during detention?"

Incredulous that somehow he was going to end up in trouble for this, Harry opened his mouth to say 'nothing' when he thought better of it. Straightening his shoulders, he said quietly, "Malfoy wanted us to bet on which one of us could seduce you first. I said no."

"Potter, you little fuck," Malfoy hissed.

Harry just shrugged. "He has ways of finding out when we lie, Malfoy. Haven't you learned that by now?"

Snape paced rapidly back and forth behind his desk before he visibly pulled himself together. Turning to Harry with a half-hearted sneer, Snape said, "Am I not good enough for you, Potter?"

He's trying to humiliate you. He's trying to humiliate you. With that mantra running through his head, Harry clenched his jaw and said, "I just think you've suffered enough pain from ridiculous bets and pranks at the hands of my family."

Snape's eyes narrowed on Harry before he turned to pin Malfoy with a cold look. "Would you care to explain, Mr Malfoy, why it is you believe I would allow you anywhere near my person?"

Malfoy blinked, obviously shocked. "Why wouldn't you? I'm utterly delicious."

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Malfoy. Love yourself much?" Turning away from Malfoy with a disgusted snort, Harry was surprised to see Snape standing mere inches from him, peering down at him with an unreadable look on his face. "S-sir?"

Snape's lips curved, turning his expression purely evil, just before he grabbed Harry by the shoulders and pulled him into an abrupt, closed-mouth mashing of lips. Harry supposed that it must have been intended to be a kiss, but the combination of his own frozen-from-shock state and Snape's natural stiffness made it more of an off-target head-butt than anything else.

"Oww," Harry muttered when Snape released him, touching his lips carefully to see if they were bleeding.

"There, Mr Malfoy. I believe you owe Potter a forfeit."

Malfoy rolled his eyes and laughed, the sound both snide and bitter. "That wasn't a seduction… sir. It was an abomination. And it doesn't count, anyway, because he was supposed to be seducing you." Somehow, without seeming to move at all, Malfoy ended up standing close enough to Snape that their robes brushed intimately against one another. "Like this." Reaching up, Malfoy ran his hands up Snape's robes and curled them around his neck, tugging gently. When Snape remained unmoved, Malfoy smirked and climbed onto a stool, kneeling on it to make him taller than Snape.

"What are you doing, child?"

Harry swallowed roughly, unable to believe that Malfoy was really going to follow through with this bizarre scheme of his. When Malfoy threaded his hands in Snape's hair and bent his head to lick at Snape's mouth, a small squeak echoed through the room.

Malfoy pulled away from Snape and they both turned to look at Harry, who blushed and pointed at the armadillos in their cages. "Must have been them," he said, his voice cracking.

Malfoy snorted and turned to resume his attack on Snape, but Snape stepped back, yanking Malfoy's hands roughly from his hair. "Enough. Unless you would like to repeat your detention tomorrow evening, I suggest you quit this infantile activity and return to work."

Harry let out a shaky breath, relief warring with disappointment when Malfoy relented. Something about the aborted seduction scene had twisted his gut, made him anxious to see what would happen next. Rolling his shoulders to relax the tension in them, Harry turned back to his worktable, only to start with surprise when he felt hands on his arms, turning him around.

"Wha—"

"Really, another detention doesn't seem so bad," Malfoy murmured before he tilted his head and sealed his lips to Harry's.

Disbelief rushed through Harry even as Malfoy's tongue swept into his open mouth. A low, purring sound rumbled out of Malfoy's chest just as a shout told Harry that Snape had finally spotted them.

"Whu fk oo dng?" Speaking with another person's tongue in his mouth had never been a problem in Harry's life to this point, and he was quickly finding that being open to new experiences didn't quite extend this far.

Harry found himself standing alone rather abruptly when Snape jerked Malfoy away from him. "Since you appear to have a hearing impairment, Mr Malfoy, you may join Mr Filch tomorrow night for your next detention. I'm sure you'll find seducing him at least as amusing as this little scene."

Malfoy's lips twisted angrily, but instead of speaking back to Snape, he turned on Harry and said, "You kiss like a dead fish."

"Well, this isn't exactly in my realm of experience, you know!" Harry said, crossing his arms. "I mean, mostly I'm used to kissing my girlfriends, not… you."

Malfoy's derisive laughter was echoed by Snape, who merely shrugged lazily when Harry glared at him and said, "It does seem rather inconceivable that you would be able to, ah, satisfy a woman, Potter."

Harry rolled his eyes. "I really don't care what you think about my ability to satisfy a woman, so—"

"Are you even aware that you're gay, Potter?" There was only the slightest hint of malice in Malfoy's drawl.

"What? No! I'm—I—I've had girlfriends and— Look, just because Ginny and I aren't together anymore doesn't mean—"

"Are you a virgin, Mr Potter?" Snape asked, moving ever closer until Harry felt trapped.

He glanced wildly around the room, searching for an escape even as words tumbled from his lips. "I haven't—I mean, it's not like I had time or—"

"You were alone in a tent for months with Granger and Weasley and you never… with either of them?" Malfoy sounded incredulous.

"Oh my God, no!" Harry felt ill at the very thought of being intimate with either of his friends, not least because Ron would kill him either way.

"You didn't have such an adverse reaction to thoughts of the good Professor, when I first mentioned seducing him earlier."

"Look, just stop. God! I can't believe we're even talking about this."

"Excellent suggestion, Potter. Less talking, more fucking."

Harry gaped at Malfoy. "F-fucking?"

"I almost can't believe I'm saying this," Malfoy murmured, stepping so close that his face filled Harry's vision, "but this whole 'innocent virgin' thing is absolutely adorable."

"I would have to concur."

"What are you doing? Seriously! Aren't you going to get in trouble for this?" Harry asked desperately, looking over Malfoy's shoulder at Snape. "I mean, you're a professor, and—"

"And you're both adults. Since I won't be administering your NEWT examinations, there is no conflict of interest."

"Wait! Two seconds ago, you were as against the idea of… of whatever as I am."

"Are you?"

"Am I what?"

Snape's eyes were hooded, dark with something Harry couldn't interpret. "Against the idea of… whatever?"

Harry frowned, looking back and forth between Snape and Malfoy. "I don't like being the butt of a joke any more than you do, Professor. I know Malfoy is an immature prat, but I can't believe you're suddenly going along with him."

"Joke?" Snape hummed and pulled Malfoy back toward him, away from Harry. "Were you joking, Mr Malfoy?" he asked, his lips nearly brushing the shell of Malfoy's ear. "Do you find the idea of having either myself or Potter buried in your arse to be… humorous?"

Harry's jaw dropped even as his trousers suddenly grew too tight. He watched in disbelief as Malfoy's head dropped back onto Snape's shoulder.

"Not humorous at all… sir," Malfoy whispered, his tongue swiping over his lips as he twisted his head. Snape's gaze locked with Harry's as his lips brushed lightly over Malfoy's before settling into a deep kiss.

"Oh, my God," Harry breathed. "I can't believe this is happening."

Malfoy moaned, his forehead wrinkling when Snape lifted his head long enough to say, "You may feel free to continue collecting your armadillo bile, if you prefer, Potter."

Harry actually looked over at the animals, seemingly his last link to reality in a world gone completely mad, before he glanced back to see that Snape now had Malfoy backed against a worktable as they snogged desperately. Not knowing what else to do, Harry began inching toward the door, intending to escape before things went any further.

"Where do you think you're going, Potter?"

Harry froze, turning back to see that Snape was once more looking directly at him while Malfoy kissed and licked at his throat. "Uh, just… thought I'd give you some privacy." He waved his hands toward them as he tried to pull his eyes away from the sight of Malfoy's teeth sinking into pale skin.

"Come here."

"What? Me?"

"Oh yes."

"Umm, I don't think—"

"Then I see no reason that you should start now." Snape pushed against Malfoy until he dropped back. "Come here, Potter."

Snape's commanding tone, coupled with the way he was looking at Harry, made every insecurity, every denial drop away until all that was left were the possibilities Snape and Malfoy represented. Submitting to the inevitable, Harry slowly crossed to Snape, who stared down at him and said, "Kiss Draco."

Harry started, then turned toward Malfoy, who was regarding him hungrily. "Yes, Potter, kiss me. It's only fair."

Harry leaned forward, eyes slowly closing as he allowed his lips to brush over Malfoy's, back and forth in small motions before parting them just enough to suckle gently on the plumpest part of Malfoy's bottom lip. He worried between his teeth before he soothed it with his tongue, then pressed forward firmly, tilting his head to give himself greater access to Malfoy's mouth. He wondered, as his tongue slid against Malfoy's, how much of Malfoy's taste was him… and how much was Snape. He shivered at that thought, a moan catching in his chest as he pushed his body against Malfoy's, crowding him into the worktable.

Malfoy's hands were gripping the back of his shirt, tugging on it almost frantically as Harry felt a thigh press between his own. He tore free of the kiss, smearing his damp lips across Malfoy's cheek to whisper in his ear, "Dead fish, Malfoy?"

"Shut the fuck up, Potter."

Harry laughed, sucking the lobe of Malfoy's ear into his mouth and biting down on it hard enough to leave the imprint of his teeth. Malfoy hissed, his hips jerking against Harry's. Harry started when he felt heat against his back just before a pair of lips smoothed over the nape of his neck.

Snape's hands slid over Harry's hips, pulling him back into Snape's body until they were pressed against one another, Snape's erection digging into the small of Harry's back. Malfoy moved forward with Harry, his thigh rubbing deliciously against Harry's groin even as his hands finally freed Harry's shirt from the waistband of his trousers.

Harry shivered as Snape's voice spoke low into his ear, his hot breath wafting over the sensitive skin. "Potter, if you continue to wriggle against me like that, this will be over far sooner than I had planned."

"You… ah, planned this?" Harry asked, gasping when Malfoy ripped open the row of buttons down the front of his shirt.

"That's beside the point, brat."

Harry shouted, jerking as Malfoy bit his nipple. "Too much talking," he mumbled against Harry's chest. Malfoy dropped to his knees then, mouthing at Harry through his trousers.

"Oh God!" Harry shouted, his skin flushing hot and cold as his body overloaded on pleasure. He was in danger of coming in his pants when he felt a small shock of magic travelling over his skin. When it was gone, he was naked, as was Snape, whose cock was now pressing damply against him.

Snape's arms wound around Harry's chest, his fingers pulling and twisting Harry's nipples as Harry stared down at—a very naked—Malfoy, who took advantage of Harry's lack of clothing to suck the tip of Harry's cock into his mouth. It was a good thing Snape's arms were around him then, because Harry's knees buckled at the heat of Malfoy's mouth and the delicious sounds he was making as he sucked hard on Harry's cock.

"Do not touch yourself."

Harry's eyes snapped open at Snape's command, even as he heard—and felt—Malfoy groan in frustration.

"Bring Potter to orgasm and he will return the favour."

"Wha-what about you?" Harry asked, trembling as Malfoy redoubled his efforts to bring Harry off.

"After you have seen to Mr Malfoy's comfort, you will both see to mine," Snape murmured, trailing one hand down Harry's stomach and tangling his fingers with Malfoy's. Harry sighed raggedly as Malfoy pushed his mouth completely down to the base of Harry's cock, his tongue working to slurp at Snape's fingers even as his throat worked around the tip of Harry's prick.

The stimulation of Snape's fingers gently massaging Harry's balls and Malfoy's tongue working into his slit pushed Harry toward the edge of orgasm; Snape running his other hand over Harry's arse nudged him further. But it was the lone finger edging between his arse cheeks to rub over his entrance that made Harry keen, coming in gut-twisting spurts into Draco's mouth.

Snape released Harry then, allowing him to slide to his knees beside Malfoy. Harry's eyes rolled dazedly as Malfoy gripped the sides of his head, yanking him forward into a deep kiss. Something sour and salty burst across Harry's taste-buds and he realised that Malfoy had held Harry's come in his mouth, waiting with the intention of sharing it. Harry moaned, licking all traces of himself from Malfoy's mouth before a sharp tug on his hair pulled him back from the kiss.

Snape bent low to sample each of their mouths before he pressed Malfoy backward to the floor and gestured for Harry to continue. Rubbing his hands up and down his thighs, Harry stared at Malfoy's hard, darkly flushed prick before he raised his eyes to Malfoy's and whispered, "I've never done this. Tell me if—"

"Fuck, Potter, just suck me off already!" Malfoy moaned, his eyes fever-bright.

Nodding, mesmerized by the blatant lust on Malfoy's face, Harry braced his hands on the floor on either side of Malfoy's hips and licked over the tip of his cock before he attempted to take the whole thing into his mouth. He quickly realised his mistake. Coughing and choking, he pulled back, breathing deeply until the urge to gag passed.

"How the hell did you do that?" he asked, blinking back involuntary tears.

"Rather a lot of experience." Malfoy gasped as Harry tried again, slower this time, taking just the head of Malfoy's cock into his mouth. "Yeah, God, wrap your hand… mmmph!" Harry tilted his head awkwardly, looking up to see that Malfoy had stuffed his knuckles into his mouth to muffle his shouts.

"Very nice," Snape said then, reminding Harry of his presence. "You're quite a natural at this, Potter."

Harry moaned, imagining the picture they must be making for Snape. He sucked harder, wanting more than ever to bring Malfoy off. The idea that the two of them would then be doing this—or more—to Snape was enough to make Harry half-erect again, so soon after being satisfied.

"Potter!" Malfoy shouted, his back arching. Harry looked up again and saw that Draco was twisting his own nipples, his lower lip caught between his teeth as pleasure flooded his cheeks with colour. "I'm going to— Ah! Potter!"

Harry choked again, surprised into swallowing the sudden volume of come that filled his mouth. After a moment, Malfoy's hands tugged feebly at his shoulders, pulling him up into another long, rather sloppy kiss.

When they finally broke apart, Malfoy smirked tiredly and said, "I taste better than you do."

Harry rolled his eyes and pushed off Malfoy, turning to see Snape standing there, just watching them. For the first time, he was able to view what he had previously only felt. Snape's body was long and just this side of too-skinny. But it wasn't the easily-visible ribs that held Harry enthralled. It was the fully-engorged, flushed prick that Snape's fingers were wrapped around that made Harry's mouth go dry.

"Oh, God," Harry whispered, feeling his cock twitch at the sight.

Malfoy didn't say anything, he just crawled fluidly toward Snape, his eyes locked on that full cock the whole way. Harry took a moment to appreciate the sight of Malfoy kneeling up, mouthing at the heavy balls that were gathered tight to Snape's body before he shuffled forward on his knees, wincing slightly in discomfort.

Harry and Malfoy took turns sucking and licking at Snape's cock, occasionally allowing their tongues to tangle as they fought good-naturedly over their prize. The whole while, Snape petted them, murmuring encouragement and making small, choked noises. Eventually, Snape pushed them back, growling at them to look at him.

Snape's long fingers wrapped around his cock and his hand became a virtual blur as he wanked himself roughly. An image formed in Harry's head of what was about to happen and he whimpered, gripping his own cock to stop it throbbing. "Yes," he whispered, just as the first strands of come spurted from the tip of Snape's cock. Harry gasped at the heat as it landed against his cheek, then saw, from the corner of his eye, some splashing across Malfoy's mouth.

Groaning, he turned his head and licked at it, catching Malfoy's tongue as it came out to swipe over his lips. They stayed like that, licking and rubbing against one another, until they both came a second time, Harry orgasming just before Malfoy.

After their breathing returned to normal, Malfoy rolled to his side and gazed up at Snape, who was once again fully dressed. "It's such a shame you're making me have detention with Filch tomorrow. After all, I'm certain I heard you mention something about being buried in my arse."

Harry shut his eyes against the sensual promise in Malfoy's tone just before he heard Snape say, "There shall be no anal penetration during detention. This is meant to be a punishment."

Harry sat up, wincing. "I thought the lack of cushioning charms was enough of a punishment."

"Hmm, you may have a point, sir. After all," Malfoy said with a smirk, "Potter needs to work on his gag reflex."