- (sonrisa) wrote in doorslogs, @ 2013-02-20 15:56:00 |
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Nell hadn't been expecting to be pulled away from the conversation so abruptly, but Dell moved so quickly that she had time to do little more than wave at the couple as she left the room. "Oh... alright. That was... rather sudden." She studied Dell's face, trying to figure out what had changed his mind about the party. "I'm ready to go whenever you are, but I was expecting a little warning." He didn't seem to be upset (his grip on her hand was too light), but she could tell that that crowd was starting to get to him. It was fine by her. Anna Reyes had given her yet another death glare as Dell led her out the door, and the sooner Nell put that woman in her rearview mirror, the better. "It was fine," she said at last, as a late reply to his question. The pair of them waited by the coat check for some undergrads to get their coats, before heading out into the night. "Did you have fun?" Never give anything away, that was his cardinal rule. You always keep people guessing. Dell’s face assumed its neutral amused expression as he and Eleanor stood in the coat check line, and, for once, he didn’t say too much. It wasn’t until they were walking to the car and she asked him if he had fun that he actually piped up again. Some weird emotion was sitting in his chest, but he didn’t want to pick at it or dissect it. He just wanted it to go away. It had come on so suddenly. One moment he was drinking bourbon and the next, -- he had the uncomfortable feeling … that... that what? No, don’t think about it. Dell closed his mind to his thoughts and smiled at his girlfriend. “It was alright,” he said with a shrug, opening the car door for Eleanor. “A bit stuffy, I felt. Did you have fun? Will you be joining Derek and Sarah in a trigamous marriage soon? Or were they too shy to ask just yet?” "Well, they originally asked us to join their quadrapod and do it classic swinger style, but I told them we just weren't in that place in our relationship yet." Nell planted a kiss on his cheek before sliding into the car, glad that whatever had come over him moments ago was gone. They had only been dating a few months, and though it seemed to be both serious and going well, she was never sure how to react to his rare changes in mood yet. She waited for him to get into the car before taking his right hand in her left. "It wasn't any stuffier than I'd expected. Luckily you'd warned me before I walked into a room full of academics." She faked an exaggerated shudder. "I can't imagine what it would have been like if I'd walked in there blind." A beat. "Not that you'd warned me about the death glares I'd be getting. You're apparently a hot commodity I took off the market." With a smirk, Dell accepted the peck on the cheek, but again he was quiet. As he rounded the front of the car to slide into the driver's seat, he shook his head a little, trying to rid himself of whatever black memory or emotion had lodged itself there. It worked reasonably, and surprisingly, well. "Academics can be as wild as anybody," said the man once he'd seated himself. He withheld from starting the car (his hand was otherwise occupied anyway), and looked over to the beautiful girl next to him. In a fleeting moment of pure affection, he looked at her - just looked, without the usual glint of amusement in his eyes. But then the conversation was moving forward. Or backward, since they'd had this discussion already earlier in the evening. "You have my apologies for the lack of forewarning. Another thing about academics, they can be an aggressively curious bunch." So he hadn't actually responded to Eleanor's joke about him being an apparent 'hot commodity.' So what? "Aggressively curious I'd get. I would have been a lot less awkward if they'd been sniffing my butt instead boring holes into my ribcage with their eyes." Nell sighed. "I hope I wasn't too awkward about it. You'll have to ask Sarah the next time you see her." She released Dell's hand so that he could turn on his car and drive them home. She spotted the look in his eye, and for a second, it caught her off guard. He was looking at her, but unlike any way she associated with him. There was no glint of mischief in the corner of his eye, or pithy remark at the tip of his tongue. In that moment he was just a guy, looking at a girl. A surge of emotion rose from her stomach and filled her body, leaving her tingling from head to toe, and absolutely, positively certain that she was in love with the boy who was looking at her like that. She tried to say something, but her words had left her, replaced by a dreamlike buoyancy. With no other recourse, Nell did the only thing she could to show him a fraction of what she was feeling - she leaned across her seat and kissed him. Dell snorted at Eleanor’s comment. It certainly would’ve been a different kind of party if ass-sniffing had been somehow involved, of that he was certain. Probably a lot more fun. (That was a joke.) He shook his head and had the keys in his hand halfway to the ignition before Eleanor was upon him. In a good way. A very good way. She kissed him. But, it wasn’t just a kiss. There was something behind it bigger than Dell could fathom. He could feel it looming; the heat, the pressure, the earnestness, all of it was there when her lips found his. In situations such as this, the man had learned it was best to let the tide take you where it willed, and so, he did. What he wasn’t expecting, however, was the rush of warmth that washed over him as well as he leaned from his seat toward Eleanor. He returned her kiss with fervor, his thoughts disappearing. His hands came up to hold her. Anna was gone. Sarah was gone. It was just Eleanor. Now, when it came to sex, Dell was a passionate man - with his normally charming, if aloof persona was nowhere to be seen. And he knew what that kind of passion felt like. This? This was different. And it was utterly terrifying. Maybe it was the bourbon. Dell broke away from the girl, one hand wrapped around the back of her neck, the other, keys long gone, came up to fill some of the space between them. He ran a thumb over the swell of Eleanor’s bottom lip, his eyes lingering there, before inhaling and looking up at her. His heart was beating wildly. “You’re very beautiful,” he said very simply, very seriously, and very quietly. Nell had hoped Dell would match her fervor, but hadn't been expecting it. In his own way, this was him telling her that this was more than just casual for him too. She didn't expect him to ever put the feelings into words, but she didn't need him to. Nell had fallen in love with Dell as the person he was, flaws and all. The fact that getting him to admit emotion was like having her teeth pulled was a part of the package. She was out of breath when Dell pulled away from her, cognitive function returning to her slowly. In that moment her senses were still overwhelmed by Dell - the taste of his mouth against hers, the touch of his fingers on her skin, the look in his eyes a mirror of the one in hers, the sound of his breathing, as harsh and ragged as her own. Her pulse jumped to catch up with the pounding behind her ears, and Nell smiled. His voice, soft and quiet, carried in it a weight that told her he was speaking the absolute truth. Leaning forward, Nell kissed him again, this time softer, slower. "I love you," she whispered, her lips soft against his. He had had relationships in the past. He had. A handful here and there that all ended the same way: in disaster. And you know what? All they had taught the man was that he was not cut out to play the part of dutiful boyfriend. Something was wrong with him. That was what each of the girls had said. ‘It’s you.’ And, well, they might have been right; though, personally, Dell thought they were all just dumbasses. What were the opinions of a few high school and college-aged girls? But he had never been here. In this spot. He had never felt whatever it was that was making his heart want to jump out of his chest right now. And, if he was honest about it, he wasn’t sure that he wanted to be there. He preferred feeling detached. It was comfortable - easy. Certainly, he was very fond of Eleanor - more than fond - but, ...he’d never... it was just... For once in his life, Dell found himself at a loss for words. The warmth drained out of him. He managed not to outright gape, but it was obvious he was caught off-guard by her words and the softness in her voice. He didn’t pull away, but neither did he kiss her. He knew what he had to say. What he was supposed to say. And what, he realized with something akin to horror, he wanted to say. Fuck. “Eleanor -,” he began, but he had nothing else planned and that was where it stopped. A part of loving Dell was knowing that she couldn't expect him to return her sentiment. Strangely enough, Nell was fine with it. "Shh," she said, kissing him quickly, "it's okay." She dropped back into her seat, allowing him time to process what she had just said. It was all slipping from his grasp. The night faded around him. Eleanor, the car, her words, the pressure of her lips on his - so brief, Anna, Derek, Sarah, the bourbon, the white crumbs of the snowman cookie caught in Catherine’s bright red lipstick, the room, the way Eleanor had asked him, “Friendly coworkers?” - all of it. He realized then, in a terrifying, actually rather sickening moment of clarity, that he had no control over much of anything, really. And like that, he knew he had to - he needed to do something. Everything came rushing back and he looked over at the girl he... loved...? That was what made her different - somehow Eleanor had a deeper understanding of her boyfriend than he had of himself, and she set her expectations appropriately. (Which made for a lot less disappointment.) She also accepted him the way he was. (Was that what love was?) Dell wasn’t naive to think that meant she approved of or loved every one of his flaws, no. He didn’t want anyone like that, anyway. But he knew it was still a feat no one else before her had managed and that was something. “Okay.” His throat was dry, but he spoke anyway, though his voice sounded strange and hollow. He flashed a quick, false smile and turned the keys in the ignition. They sped out of the parking lot with only the sound of the radio - some fuzzy jazz station - to fill the silence. “Um.” Dell glanced at Eleanor as they stopped at a red light, looking away before she caught his eye. “I think I should - I think I need to just... I should probably go get a drink,” he finally managed to say. His own obvious nervousness made him want to sock himself in the face, but he didn’t. Instead he just sighed in frustration. A sense of relief flooded Dell once the car door closed behind Eleanor and she disappeared into the apartment building. It was like all the air went out of him. He slumped in the seat. He inhaled. A long minute later, the car still humming beneath him, he exhaled. His heart slowed. The man ran his hands in over his face in irritation, because seriously, what the fuck? He inhaled again, then reached into the console and withdrew a carton of cigarettes. Once he had one lit and, hands shaking, had managed to take a drag or two, Dell’s head felt clearer than it had in a long while and his nerves calmer, less raw. He felt more like himself. He ran a hand through his hair. Now what? The same feeling came back to him - urging him, silently begging him - telling him he had to do something. He couldn’t just sit in the car for the rest of the night with shot nerves and sweaty palms. But nor had he the courage (or desire) to walk up those stairs and join Eleanor in bed. He knew that if he did, he would end up crying. He could feel the pinpricks of heat somewhere at the back of his eyes and - just - no. ...And yet, a part of Dell wasn’t quite sure he actually did want to go out and get a drink. Being indecisive was not a normal state for the man and he found it himself growing agitated again. He just had to act. He could pick things over later. For now - he was going to go. Dell reversed out of his assigned parking spot so quickly his tires squealed on the concrete. The air smelled faintly of burning rubber. He changed the music over from the half-heard tones of saxophones to the familiar, comforting thrumming of Johnny Cash that took up several gigs of his phone's memory. Without love I am half human Without love I'm all machine Without love there's nothing doin' I will die without love "What the fuck - " Dell swore as he took a left, unable to do anything about the music and the way it bore into him. Why this song? Why now? Now Johnny Cash was going to pull this shit? Without love I am an island All by myself in a heartbreak sea Without love there's no denyin' I am dyin' without love "Jesus fucking Christ." The music was switched off - and rather violently at that. Dell flicked the butt of his cigarette out of the cracked window. He was not going to even consider what just happened, because it was too ridiculous to devote any kind of thought to. Was his life suddenly a drama on the Hallmark channel or what? Still cursing, the man fished his cellphone out of the cupholder. He glanced down as he drove and found the number he wanted - just there, at the top of his contacts. Anna. Dell held the phone up to his ear as it began ringing. He cleared his throat. "Hello?" "Hi, it's me." It was three hours later that Dell attempted to get into the bed without disturbing a sleeping Eleanor. He made sure to pull the comforter up around her, to tuck her in, as she'd somehow managed to tangle the heavy down blanket and expose herself to the cold. He himself winced at the chill on her skin when he managed to slide in next to her. He took the offending hand in his own and rubbed it lightly to generate at least a little warmth before he had to stop. - A streetlamp outside the window poured a soft yellow light into the bedroom. It illuminated the crescent curve of Eleanor's cheekbone. Dell realized he was hardly breathing as he watched his girlfriend sleep. She was beautiful. He forget everything else for a moment and just focused on that. She was beautiful. And she was much more than a person like him deserved. He knew that now. That was the panic he'd felt in the car. Now that it was obvious, he felt calmer. He tucked a blond lock behind her ear, still captivated by the sight that was presenting itself. That song - that goddamned song played over in his head. Without love I am half human Without love I'm all machine Without love there's nothing doin' I will die without love Dell frowned and rolled over, his back to Eleanor. Nell's eyes fluttered open momentarily, before falling shut once again. She rolled closer to Dell, half-asleep, drawn in by his heat more than anything else. To her annoyance, her shoulder came into contact with a hard surface. Was that a- yes, it was his back. She tugged his higher shoulder towards her with a small grunt, unable and unwilling to put her request into words. Nell made a small happy sound when he turned towards her, and dropped her head into the crook of his shoulder, the place where it belonged. She threw an arm across him and snuggled close, her chest pressed snugly against his side. With all that settled, her mind drifted off once again to that place where everything was soft and warm and feather-light. Her fingers pulled at him and he obeyed. Dell turned to face his girlfriend, lifting his arm instinctively to give her room to come closer. And she did. Eleanor tucked herself next to him, each part of her molding perfectly with his. His arm curled around her shoulder and he held her like that for a while. Sleep pricked at his eyes, but he knew it wasn't going to come for some time yet. Every time tried to clear his mind, images of the earlier evening came into the stillness he had created and forced themselves into his consciousness. His stomach churned and knotted the more vivid the images got. Anna had come to the door still wearing the form-fitting green dress. It wasn't especially low-cut, but it clung to her body like a glove, showing every curve one might want to see. Her dark hair was pulled up too, exposing her long neck. And Dell had looked at her the way he hadn't been able to at the faculty party. Then, she reached out and grasped the collar of the man's coat, and pulled him, tripping, inside. She never had been a shy woman. It was something that he had actually appreciated about her at one time. He and Professor Reyes never been a thing, though. That was the thing. They had seen each other and slept together a number of times - well, quite a few times, yes. They had gone out for drinks together, yes. And, though Dell didn't know it, the other members of the economics and marketing departments had rather liked to whisper about them behind their backs. But none of that meant they had made any kind of emotional commitment. As they hadn't. And, again, while it was true that they had continued fucking up until the day Dell and Eleanor got together officially, that was all it was: fucking. Once inside Anna's apartment, something began to stir in the pit of Dell's stomach that felt suspiciously like guilt. He repelled it as best he could. She released him in the living room and went over to the sofa where she must have been when Dell knocked. A few books were open on the tasteful, if somewhat boring coffee table. “Are you just going to stand there?” He opened his eyes. He didn’t know he’d closed them, but apparently, he had. He was back in his own apartment. Eleanor was curled around him. Dell exhaled. It was then that he realized that what had woken him up was - He shifted in the bed, moving so as to move his girlfriend into a better position for him to be able to run a hand down her side, to feel the warmth of her as his fingers skimmed down her shoulder and arm, the dip of her waist and the swell of her hip. He leaned in closer, his hand coming back up to cup Eleanor's cheek. He kissed her. Nell had fallen back into a deep slumber after settling next to Dell, and it took a good long moment for the kiss to rouse her. Though she had been a light sleeper for most of her life, Nell had begun to sleep longer and deeper once Dell and her had been seeing each other for a few months. It was as though his presence in her life had dampened her vigilance, and finally let her put down her guards and sleep the way the rest of the world did. Instead of jerking under his touch her mind accepted it, and it wasn't until his kisses became insistent that she floated back up to consciousness. She kissed him back at first, before pulling away. "Hi," she said softly, vestiges of sleep still clinging to the corners of her smile. With his face only an inch or two away from hers, Dell smiled at the simple, affectionate ‘hi.’ He brushed his thumb lightly against her cheek as he pressed his lips to hers, just briefly, a second time. "Hi," he replied in the same gentle voice, trailing a hand through the girl's blond hair. He looked at her for a long moment, struggling internally with the part of himself that wanted to, in that moment, divulge everything - to breakdown and say 'I love you, I love you, I'm sorry,' and the part of himself that wanted to gag its counterpart and to forget the evening, as it was behind them, and to move on to the present, to the feel of her body next to his. It was the part that told him to kiss her and to open his mouth on hers and to hold her close because nothing else mattered. It didn't matter that he had rounded Anna's couch as he tossed his jacket to the floor, that he had situated himself next to her there on the sofa, that she had come in close, her hands back on the collar of his shirt as she had said: "I knew that little girl couldn't keep you away." No. How could that matter now? Or that he had felt sad (or what he eventually figured out was sad), but had laughed anyway, and had kissed her like he was kissing Eleanor now, hands in the hair and everything. If Dell had been insistent before, when his girlfriend had still been asleep, it was nothing compared to now. The more fervor he added to his actions, the less the memories of earlier bothered him. And so he said it between kisses. There was nothing to stop him, no hesitation, nothing. "I love you, Eleanor." Nell had barely a moment to relax under his hands before he pressed against her with fervor, kissing her in a way he hadn't in a long time. Consciousness had been slapped - or in this case kissed - back into her with a vengeance, and Nell could feel Dell's heart pounding against her chest through the thin barriers of their clothing. His hands were in her hair, pulling her ever closer, and his tongue insistent, calling her to him. Her mind tried to start up, wondering what had brought on this sudden fervor, where he had been this whole time, but it was hard to think when Dell started doing that thing with his hands that he was doing now. She caught her breath when he pulled away, stunned by his declaration. "I-" Nell swallowed, forcing herself to string words together. "I love you too, Dell. You know that." Memory of their last conversation came to the surface, and Nell remembered that Dell had needed time to process what she had said. "Where did you go?" Her tone was calm, if a little sleepy, and tinged with curiosity. Where did you go? The question was a simple one, a natural one. A question that Dell should’ve thought of an answer for before stumbling through the door. Of course she would wonder. How many hours had had passed since he’d dropped off Eleanor at home? He didn’t know. Enough that she had been fully asleep. The evening was nothing more than a blur in his mind, made all the fuzzier from the drinks he had had. Dell’s face was no more than an inch away from Eleanor’s as she spoke sleepily and he watched her intently, his hands still holding her close. But he chose not to answer right away - at least not really. He muttered something about going to the bar before kissing the girl again. This - this felt right. Anna was a beautiful woman, yes, but she wasn’t Eleanor, and she didn’t kiss like Eleanor or touch or feel or smell or think like Eleanor. With her more or less climbing on top of him on the sofa, she had run her hands down Dell’s chest, her mouth still on his - and he had let her. He did nothing to stop her. And though his body went through the motions - his own hands going over the curves the dress showed off so nicely, etc., his mind floated from the scene and held him in a sort of prison, his thoughts locked on Eleanor and the scene in the car. And then it wasn’t Anna he was kissing so passionately, but his girlfriend - and it was then, even as the woman’s hands went to unbutton his shirt, that Dell had sat up on the sofa he’d fucked Anna on how many times now, and, as gently as he could, eased her off of him. “Sorry - can I get a drink?” He had asked, breathlessly and in a tone of disbelief. His shirt was half-undone. Anna was not a woman who was used to being denied what she wanted, but she obliged after smoothing her dress over her thighs. She left Dell on that sofa. He sat there then, quietly, with his head in his hands and his heart racing in his chest, and for the second time that night, he didn’t know what to do. Never had he been in a situation with a woman on top of him that he had wanted to stop - or ever had stopped, for that matter. This was all stupid. What the fuck was he doing? Back in the room, with Eleanor on the bed, the man paused and pulled away. His heart had yet to stop thumping so loudly since the moment she’d said it to him in the car. With an odd sort of wonder, Dell’s hand trailed down his girlfriend’s side as if for the first time - slowly and deliberately, but he didn’t say anything. The bar. That made sense. Had he been the one to tell her he loved her first, she might have done the same. The one and only time Nell had told someone she loved him her heart was ripped out of her chest, beating and bloody. But not this time. This time she loved Dell, he loved her, and their families wouldn't get in the way, Nell kissed him softly, running a free hand over the base of his neck. She could taste liquor on his tongue, but not in excess. She sighed, glad that he hadn't needed to get absolutely shitfaced to tell her he loved her. Not that it would have changed the way she felt about him, but it made her happy anyway. She shifted closer against his body, speaking against his lips. "I'm glad you came back to me." Dell wondered again if he should say something about Anna. The words were there, ready and willing, but he swallowed them. He closed his eyes. There was nothing to tell. After the glass of water had been delivered, he and the other woman had sat on the sofa in silence for what felt like an eternity. Dell knew the question she wanted to ask - could feel it there, poised on her lips. He knew the thoughts that were running through her head. He knew she was asking herself why. Had that little girl, with her blond hair and impossibly bright smile, actually managed to reign Dell in? Had she finally taught the man who couldn't say no - to say no? - Fuck. He had to remind himself, before he did something else stupid, that it didn't matter. It didn't matter if Eleanor had taught him to say no - or anything else. It didn't matter if Anna thought it made him weak either. Because he wasn't dating her. He was dating Eleanor. It was then, with his stomach quickly turning sour, that Dell had gathered up his coat in his arms and said goodbye, leaving the woman’s too-familiar apartment in favor of the more anonymous, no-questions type bar he preferred. It was the safest place to go. So he stayed there, drinking whiskey, until he finally felt up to going home and facing the girl he - gulp - loved. "Came back?" Dell whispered in the bed, pressing another kiss to Eleanor's lips, a hand flat against the small of her back holding her close. And he just kept her there, as close as he could. The stupid, insistent fluttering in his stomach only confirmed the night's nonsense. He, Dell Van Andal, loved someone. "I promise, Eleanor, I will always come back." |