Tim Drake-Wayne (redrobin) wrote in doorslogs, @ 2012-12-13 13:45:00 |
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Spencer knew if he thought about it for too long, he’d lose his nerve. He’d faced violence, pain, destruction, and despair before, without a doubt, but this? He’d rather face deployment and another four years in the service than tell Nick about what he’d learned about his brother. It wasn’t like he’d forgotten their conversation after the party, about the anger Nick felt about everything. Jade was right about him though, that Nick was strong enough to get through this. If he let him, Spencer would be there for him in any way necessary. He was prepared to find out more about what happened with Alexander, but if Nick knew why, maybe that would be enough. Death was never okay, he’d said as much to Sophie, but Spencer could understand why someone would want to make Alexander pay if even half the things Wren said were true. Spencer was inclined to believe every word. He arrived at Nick’s apartment in record time, in part because he’d been on his way when he’d texted. Dressed in his army fatigues, it was clear he’d recently gotten off work. The dark circles under his eyes betrayed how tired he was and there were a handful of bruises beneath the fabric. He was certainly sore after all the physical activity Tim was doing during Spencer’s free time. None of that mattered though. It paled in comparison to what he was about to do and he prayed for the strength to get through this. He heard footsteps coming up behind him and he took a deep breath, trying to find center before turning around to face Nick. “Hey,” he offered lamely. Giving Stephanie all his time afforded Nicholas the distraction he needed to distract himself from whatever was happening in Las Vegas. On the Gotham side of the door, things were messy, but they were Stephanie’s mess, not his. Now that she wanted to spend less time behind the door, it made things harder for Nick. More difficult for him to hide from his problems and ignore many of the things glaring in his face. He needed to confront what happened to Alexander and know he wouldn’t be coming back. After all this time, his brother was not coming back. He needed to face Spencer, too, and the lingering feelings there. There were so many problems hovering over his head, and the exhaustion caused purple under his eyes and a thinness in his face. Neither Steph nor Nick were sleeping lately. One was haunted by visions of green goop and the other by imaginations of a million different scenarios of a dead brother, and the lack of sleep was clear in his face. After leaving Passages, Nick made it back to his place in record time. The text messages seemed ominous, and while Nick didn’t want to face Spencer at the moment, he knew he needed to sooner rather than later. “Hi,” he said quietly when he walked up to Spencer waiting in the hallway. He stepped forward to open the door with the key dangling in his hand. When he unlocked the door, he stepped inside and then aside to allow Spencer to follow in. Dropping the keys on a nearby accent table, he waved for Spencer to go down the hall. “Make yourself at home, man.” Anywhere but here. I want to be anywhere but here, Spencer thought to himself. Nick looked like crap, with dark circles under his eyes and exhaustion written all over his face. This was only going to make a bad situation worse, but it needed to be done. Nick opened the door and Spencer followed, moving down the hall and stripping off his jacket. It went on the couch, but he didn’t follow, choosing instead to pace along the front of the couch. Letting his nerves get the better of him would, possibly, only make things worse for Nick though, so Spencer forced himself to settle. “Hey, I- You know how I feel about you, right? We didn’t get to talk after the party, about everything. I don’t even know if you want to talk about this but. I have something I need to tell you and I need you to know first that I still love you, Nick. I never stopped loving you.” He inhaled sharply and turned away, almost afraid to look at the other man. “I know you’re tired. You haven’t been sleeping. It’s written all over your face and I still know you well enough to know that. I know it’s complicated, I do. I know I’m only making things worse and I’m trying so hard to not push you. Not when you have more important things on your plate, but this, what I have to tell you...you need to know. Even if you hate me for it after.” Spencer was so convinced Nick was going to hate him. It was inevitable, really. The important part would be to fight the urge to tell Nick everything he knew. That would end poorly, more poorly than anything else he’d ever done. The pacing was distracting and had Nick arrested in the hallway. Arms stiff at his sides and following the other man’s movements back and forth with his eyes. “Spence.” Nick heaved a heavy sigh and reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose. He couldn’t deal with this right now. He didn’t want to think about his feelings for Spencer or attempt to wrap his mind around the other man’s declarations. “You’re not pushing me,” he said finally, though his face was still buried away in his hand. He couldn’t help the quirked eyebrow when Spencer continued though. His eyes fluttered open, and he dropped his hand down where it swung to and fro at his side for a moment. “What are you talking about, Spencer?” he asked, licking his lips nervously. What could Spencer have to say that would make him hate the other man? He knew that tone. It almost hurt more, because it meant Nick had completely gotten over him. Spencer swallowed the lump in his throat. This was bigger than his relationship problems. This was Nick's twin brother, dead. Never coming home. He'd find out more information after talking to Wren, but he couldn't sit on this. Waiting would only make it worse. "Nick..." Spencer trailed off, turning to face the other man. "I'm sorry but...your brother isn't coming back. He's-" but Spencer knew he had to push through. "He's dead." Nick had his full, undivided attention. He was ready to react to Nick's reaction, however necessary. Nick just stared. He stared and stared for what seemed like a millennia from that hallway nearby the living room. He pursed his lips, and he felt his knees wobble for a moment, as if they were about to give out underneath him. “I--who told you?” he asked, almost childlike. “Where did you hear this from?” And he wanted to walk up to the living room, to Spencer, but he couldn’t force his legs to move. Instead, he stood there, rocking back and forth and flexing his fingers. Spencer took a step forward before he could stop himself. “He had Scarecrow as an Alter,” he explained quietly. “Crane ended up in someone new, and she was talking about it on the journals.” The last thing he needed was for Nick to go find it, but at least he could be a little prepared. “She doesn’t know who killed him, or what the circumstances were, but she’s certain that he’s dead. Certain enough to convince me,” he added, giving Nick a somber look. He let that sink in for a few minutes before taking another step and holding his hand out for the man. All he wanted to do was hug him, hold him, and tell him everything would be alright. Somehow. If only, he thought to himself. There was still a matter of Alexander’s alleged crimes. “Nick?” Before he knew it, Nick found himself leaning against the wall for support. Spencer kept talking, and each word knocked the wind out of his lungs again and again until he struggled for breath. The offered hand was ignored as he pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes and sighed heavily. There was a shakiness in his breath, and it was a few moments before Nick recovered enough to even speak. “Before he...,” and despite it all, Nick still couldn’t say it, “Alex called me. Told me what to expect.” Another sigh, and Nick began to chew the inside of his cheeks raw. “I knew he had Crane, and I--a few months back, I saw something. A memory or a vision of him--.” Finally, he dropped his hand and looked at Spencer with glassy eyes. His voice was thick and strained. “I know he’s...gone. I know.” “Oh, Nick,” Spencer sighed softly, his heart breaking for the man in front of him. He wasn’t going to wait for Nick to close the distance between them. Instead, he went to him, drawing him in his arms the way he’d always done when Nick got upset about something. “I’m so sorry, baby,” he soothed, hugging the other man tight. “You’ve kept it all to yourself, haven’t you? All this time?” He sure as hell hadn’t dealt with it and that was a big problem right there. Spencer decided that Nick didn’t need to know whatever Alexander had done. Not at the moment, at least. Maybe not ever, but certainly not now. “You can always talk to me, okay? About anything, no matter what,” he insisted, lifting one hand up to cup Nick’s cheek lightly, thumb sweeping across the flesh there, wondering when those glassy eyes would let the tears fall. “It’s okay. You’re not alone, okay? I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” He wouldn’t. He couldn’t. Spencer swore to himself then and there that he wasn’t going to abandon Nick again. Nick sighed again when he felt a pair of arms wrap around him tight, but he still stood stiff for a moment before relenting and returning the hug. This was the closest he had been to Spencer in some time, since before the other man was deployed, and it didn’t feel strange. Not like Nick expected. His fingers dug into Spencer’s shoulder for a minute before his grip relaxed. It was the only moment of weakness he showed, aside from those glassy eyes, but the tears didn’t spill, not even when Spencer pulled back to look at him. “I know, I know, I know.” It was all he could do: repeat and stare. He met Spencer’s eyes with pursed lips, arms still wrapped around the other man. Spencer fixed things, or at least he tried to. He hated seeing people upset or hurt, trodden on, used, abused, or taken advantage of. It was clear Nick was in pain, but it wasn’t like Spencer could bring Alexander back from the dead. He wasn’t even sure he would if he could, but since he couldn’t, the dilemma wasn’t one he needed to face. Instead, he tried to provide some emotional support for his ex. A hug was the very least of the comfort he could provide, but he wasn’t thinking about their relationship just then. He was only thinking about Nick. “It’s okay,” he whispered again, though he was trying to determine just what else he could do. “You don’t have to hold it all in, Nick,” Spencer encouraged, hoping that the other man would just give in to what he was feeling and trust him to be there to catch him when he fell apart. “I’m right here.” He nuzzled Nick’s cheek. “Please, Nick.” Nick wasn’t thinking about their relationship either, only the comfort that Spencer’s arms surrounding them consuming his thoughts. He buried his nose into Spencer’s neck, inhaling his cologne and digging his fingers into the other man’s shoulders. A shuddering breath slipped out, and before he knew it, his cheeks were damp with sneaky tears. There were no sobs, nor were there any other sounds besides the shaky breaths that even betrayed his crying. Nick hated feeling weak, especially in front of someone like Spencer, and especially about Alexander. He had buried him deep, deep, deep, and he couldn’t face the idea now. “I know he’s gone,” he repeated and all but choked out. “He’s not coming back. Someone killed him, and he told me who it was, and I haven’t looked into it. I can’t.” And that made him a terrible brother, and the idea had Stephanie rumbling in the back of his head. (She couldn’t put on the cowl, but maybe she could help Nick resolve this all.) That’s it, he thought, as he felt Nick dig his fingers into his shoulders. It was a sensation he hadn’t experienced in a long time, but it was as if it’d been yesterday all at the same time. Spencer held him tighter with one arm before slowly and gently rubbing Nick’s back. Anything he could do, he would. It took him a few minutes to realize the other man was crying, the slightly wet spot on his shirt gave it away, but as soon as he did, he inhaled deeply and nuzzled just a bit more closely. The admission that Alexander had told Nick about what had been about to happen made Spencer narrow his eyes, annoyed and begrudgingly accepting in turns. Annoyed because he thought it was selfish of Alexander to make Nick carry that burden on his own. Accepting because at least Nick never wondered. “It’s okay, Nick,” Spencer whispered softly, lips brushing against the other man’s temple. “It’s okay. You don’t have to. You don’t.” There was no judgement there, only soft encouragement that everything would somehow be okay. “You don’t have to carry it on your own anymore, baby,” he said softly, the term of endearment slipping out before he could stop it. Oh, Nick had wondered about Alexander. Their last conversation still burned in the back of his mind, and the injuries littering his twin in the days preceding his death tattooed the inside of his eyelids. Alexander haunted his every breathing moment, but after a few weeks, he knew hope and prayer was moot. His twin brother was not coming back. But, having someone else say it put a chink in his usual, almost robotic armor. Having it be Spencer, well, that was even worse. His fingers dug further and further like Nick craved to just be closer to the other man. And, maybe he did. This was the first time he’d let his guard down around Spencer since he strolled back into his life. He’d missed this. Eventually, the tears slowed, and the hiccups stopped, and Nicholas pulled back. He wanted to argue, wanted to tell Spencer that he would shoulder the knowledge himself, but he couldn’t. He just met his eyes and nodded. Spencer held him for as long as he needed, whispering words of soothing comfort and trust. Nick had to know he wasn't alone, and certainly he was going to talk to Jade about what they could do to draw him out of his shell. The tears and the hiccups stopped eventually and Spencer wasn't sure how long they'd stood there for. It didn't matter. Once Nick nodded, he sat down on the couch and gently guided Nick into his arms. Another soft kiss went on the top of his head. "It'll be okay. I'm here for you. Always." He'd made the same promises before he'd left, but he hoped Nick wouldn't push him away just now. He allowed Spencer to guide him to the couch, lost in the storm cloud of emotions brewing in his mind. Nick had been rather successful in burying Alexander and all his thoughts away, but Spencer shook him up to the core and kicked up the dust. “Spence,” he whispered softly when he felt a kiss pressed to the top of his head. Nick sat up then, so he could look Spencer in the eyes, and he shot him a look of mingling worry, of intense hurt, and of something a little more. Desire, perhaps, or fear. Nick couldn’t differentiate within the maelstrom of feelings. So, he just nodded again, and managed to say, “Okay.” He would try to talk to Spencer, and even to Jade, but he couldn’t make any promises. Only attempt to put the pieces together. |