runs_the_show (runs_the_show) wrote in doorslogs, @ 2012-07-26 21:46:00 |
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Benji was gone. It had been a few days since the note, since he just vanished and Justine still hadn’t said a word to anyone. She was mad at her parents, who tried to insist that everything was fine. Her dad said Benji would be home by the end of the week, that he was fine, but she didn’t believe him. Her mum tried too, but Justine was less inclined to believe her. Benji was her best friend in the entire world, her brother, and he was gone. He abandoned her. That’s how she felt and she couldn’t let it go. Benji was ignoring her texts, her calls, her facebook messages and wall posts. Everything. She didn’t understand and there wasn’t any reasonable explanation. All she wanted was an explanation. Why was that so difficult for everyone to understand? She danced until her feet and legs cramped, the pain in her limbs distracting her somewhat from the gaping hole in her heart. Singing wasn’t an option because she was currently not speaking, but fighting was just fine. Mike wasn’t going easy on her though. He’d knocked her on her arse so many times, one time after another, that she had bruises all over. When he’d said enough was enough, she went to the punching bag and worked at it until she started to cry again. She wished it was Benji she was beating up, because he deserved to be beaten up for abandoning her without a word and then ignoring her. Justine was exhausted now though, and every part of her hurt. She’d managed to take a shower and then put on her pajamas before crawling into bed. She always started in her room, but more often than not in the past few days, she ended up in Benji’s. It was just about dinner time, no doubt she’d be called in a few minutes, but Justine didn’t care. She wasn’t hungry, just like she hadn’t been for the past couple days. Sleep would’ve been brilliant, but it wouldn’t come. Benji had screwed everything up and made her bloody miserable. She hated him. This reaction really should have been expected. Mike could see everyone else in the family blowing off the fact that Ben was gone. He’d done it before, though this time Mike could feel the difference in the same way Justine could. Before, Ben had made an in depth, well thought out contingency plan of his whole trip. He’d kept in touch from the moment he’d left the country, and never a day passed that he didn’t give Justine a call -- hell, on some days they could barely go half an hour without some sort of communication before they’d converge once again. To be honest, Mike was a little jealous of that kind of relationship. The one he’d had with his only sibling wasn’t one of mentioning, barely one that Mike liked to even thinkabout. It was to be expected though, Justine and Ben had grown up practically in each others pockets while Mike and his brother had grown up on opposite sides of the country. Didn’t mean Mike couldn’t wish he had the same affection for his brother that Justine had for hers. Now though, Mike was beginning to wish they’d been a little less attached at the hip. Maybe then Justine wouldn’t be wearing herself down to the bone with anger, worry, and hurt. Now that Mike was familiar with. He knew the bone deep, gut boiling pain of betrayal. It was an agony Mike would have given the world to spare his young ward, but there was little to nothing he could do once the blow had been dealt. It made him feel helpless -- he was supposed to protect the family, had done so for the last four years, but how was he supposed to protect them from one of their own? Mike had watched as Justine tried to dance herself into exhaustion. He had overlooked from the sidelines, trained eyes easily picking up the strain in her eyes, trying to keep the pain from overwhelming, and legs that were just fighting to hold her steady. He didn’t step in, didn’t make a move to stop her. There was no use for one, but who was he to say how Justine grieved the loss of her brother, her closest friend? Mike didn’t speak a word as Justine approached him, looking for a fight. He didn’t deny her wish either, only stepped forward and onto their sparring mats. Nothing seemed to slow Justine down, no matter how many times Mike threw her to the ground, how many bruises he knew she was getting, how sore her muscles -- she was insatiable in her need to numb herself. If he wasn’t dealing with a teen, Mike may have suggested a little hard self-medication, it had always worked for him in the past. But Justine was fifteen, no way Mike was getting into that kind of trouble, even if he did just want to help. He couldn’t take much more after losing count of how many times he’d rolled Justine to the mats below. He didn’t have enough anger to take it out on the girl, but as soon as he caught hold on Ben, that boy was going to get the biggest ass beating of all time, Mike swore it. He pushed Justine away, telling her to cool it for the evening, that they’d pick it up the next day. Of course she wouldn’t listen, Mike wasn’t naive enough to think anything else, but he’d quit early, letting her get out the rest of her anger in peace may help exhaust her. Mike was never far, watching as Justine wore herself down to the bone before finally retiring to the shower. Satisfied for the moment, Mike went to the kitchen to confer with Gary as dinner finished cooking. It wasn’t long before Mike had two plates filled and was headed up the stairs, leaving behind the rest of the family with a quick explanation of keeping Justine company while he tried to get some food in her. She hadn’t been eating, hadn’t been sleeping -- it was worrisome and Mike... well, Mike didn’t know how to deal with it. He just wanted her to snap out of it and be the girl he’d grown attached to, not this mess of confusing emotion. Mike didn’t like it, not one bit. Standing at the door to Justine’s room, Mike knocked hard and loud two times with a slight pause in between, a signal Justine knew as one of her family’s bodyguards. Mike didn’t wait for a sound however, knowing he wouldn’t get one, he maneuvered the plates in his hands before opening the door just wide enough to fit himself through. He shut it with the heel of his foot as he made his way toward Justine’s bed. “Hey Tiny, brought some dinner. Please sit up to eat, I’d hate to have to force it down your gullet, but I’m not above it.” Mike’s voice was stern in the way it always was, but there was a softness about his eyes that belied his tone, he really was worried and hoped he could bring some of Justine back to the surface. She knew that knock. When she was younger, when Mike, Gary, One and Two first joined their household, Justine had fancied it a kind of secret code to get into her room. Mike’s knock was very specific, two powerful knocks with a small pause between them. Gary’s was three quick knocks and then one hard knock. She liked it because it made her feel like a queen and she could choose who to let into her room based on the knocks. Now though, she didn’t even have the strength to tell Mike to bugger off when he entered without any kind of invitation. Justine didn’t even have the heart to roll her eyes at the nickname. Tiny! She’d always been small for her age and sure, at eleven it was more apt a descriptor, but she wasn’t all that tiny anymore! She knew she’d only grow more and she didn’t think he was going to leave anytime soon. Suddenly, all she could think about was Mike leaving next and that was enough for a fresh round of tears to start forming. Justine pulled her legs into her chest, even though it hurt. She was facing away from Mike, but she knew him well enough by now to know that even though his voice was stern, he wasn’t really mad at her. “He left,” she whispered into her pillow, and her voice nearly broke with those two simple words. Her voice was hoarse from disuse, but she knew Mike could hear her. He always heard everything. Justine couldn’t bring herself to say anything else as the tears started to fall. She didn’t make a sound but her shoulders started to shake a little. She’d hoped by now that she’d run out of tears but it didn’t look like that was ever going to happen, as much as she wanted it to. It wouldn’t have taken a man with such observational skills as Mike to automatically see the change in Justine. It happened almost as soon as he’d crossed the threshold into the room and spoke, though Mike was sure that his words wouldn’t have cause the kind of reaction Justine had. Where at first the girl had just been laying on her bed, no doubt exhausted from the amount of strain it had been through the last few days, but right after his words were spoken, Mike watched a transformation. Suddenly Justine curled into herself, pulled her legs up to her chest and brought her head down, she moved as if in pain though Mike couldn’t tell if it was physical or otherwise. Either way Mike almost dropped their plates in his rush to her side, he covered his own discomfort with the situation by gruffness, the only way he could deal with his own emotions at the moment. Settling the plates on Justine’s bedside table, Mike gave an inaudible sigh and stood awkwardly at the side of the bed as Justine’s body shuddered slightly under the weight of her sobs. It broke Mike’s heart to see the girl like that, made him want to find Ben and beat the living shit out of him for putting his sister and his family through this pain. He didn’t understand it, didn’t need to -- all he needed at that moment was for Justine to stop crying. Not only was he ill equipped at handling his own emotions, but it was even worse when he was dealing with others and Justine wasn’t just anyone. Not really knowing what to do in the situation Mike took a seat at the edge of the bed, making sure most of his body was well out of Justine’s personal space. Extending the arm closest to her, Mike placed a hand lightly on her elbow. He was going for comforting, but was pretty sure he just came across as stilted and awkward and he sure as hell couldn’t form a cohesive sentence. He didn’t know how to help, but he was willing to do anything, he could only hope he was conveying that. Mike wasn’t the one to go to if she wanted to be coddled. Benji would fuss over her, Mum would fuss over her, but Mike would just clean her up and send her on her way. Justine never really used to mind it but now all she wanted was someone to hold her, rub her back, and tell her that it was all going to be okay. She didn’t trust her mother to do that, not when she wasn’t doing a bloody thing to find Benji. There was a part of her that knew her father knew where Benji was, but no one would tell her a thing. Justine hated it. She hated all of them. It wasn’t ‘just a phase’ for her. She was miserable. Why couldn’t they see that? She heard the plates get set down on her dresser, but she didn’t want to eat. Her appetite fluctuated between wanting next to nothing and sneaking a little something when she had the energy, but now she didn’t want anything. The bed dipped with his weight, but still she didn’t move. It wasn’t until she felt his hand on her elbow that she moved, a fresh cry accompanying the quick movement. She climbed into his lap, her arms wrapped tightly around his neck, and her face was buried in his chest. The tears came in loud, body-wracking sobs this time and she did nothing to hold them back now. “Please don’t leave,” she managed between sobs. “You can’t leave. B-he already left. You can’t leave me too. You can’t.” Justine was desperate for him to reassure her that he wouldn’t leave. Rationally, she knew there was nothing to be afraid of because Mike was here on contract. He couldn’t just leave. She found a slight comfort in that, but she still needed his reassurance. With her father always away and her mother busy with her younger siblings, Benji always took care of her. Mike and Gary did too, but it was Benji she always went to first and Mike second. As Justine vaulted herself at Mike he had to fight the gut reaction of panic as he was startled into motionlessness. Justine had suddenly thrown herself into Mike’s lap and attached her arms around his neck only to bury her face in his chest, sobbing terribly as she tried to speak. Mike’s body all but shut down, his arms held out from his body as he kept them away from Justine out of... well, he just wasn’t sure what to do. Mike was sure there had to be a reason he was so awkward in dealings with emotion, especially from women and children. It could have been the fact that he’d never really had a very feminine figure in his life, never grew close to any women or even girls besides those in his schooling career, or the fact that Mike had never really been an emotional guy himself -- whatever it was, Mike was cursing himself for it at that moment. Justine needed him and he just wasn’t reacting as he knew he should, but Mike was nothing if not adaptable so in a split second he compiled everything he knew about sensitivity and applied it to his situation. Justine hadn’t even finished speaking when Mike got his body back under his conscious control. He was hesitant at first, but soon Mike had his arms wrapped tightly around Justine’s lithe body, holding her close. Not really knowing what else to do, Mike slowly began to run a hand up and down her back in what he hoped was a soothing motion as he shushed her quietly. “Shh, c’mon Tiny you know I couldn’t leave you. Who would I get to throw around then? Gotta have someone to beat up every few days or I’d get cranky.” Mike knew that trying to diffuse the situation with humor probably wouldn’t work, but he was willing to try anything. Losing himself in the moment for a second, Mike began rocking slightly back and forth in rhythm with his hand as it rubbed his ward’s back. “Hell I don’t think I would leave, no matter what. You mean too--” Mike cut his whispered words off quickly, trying to distance himself a bit while still offering comfort. He had boundaries he couldn’t cross, he knew the family meant way too much to him as it was, he also knew he couldn’t stay forever. She didn’t noticed that it took him a moment to wrap his arms around her but she was glad for it all the same. There was a part of her that knew she was asking too much from him, that she was just being selfish. She felt lost. Benji was ignoring her, something he never did, and she didn’t understand why. She needed him. His trip had been hard enough, but at least then she’d been able to talk to him. Now there was nothing and it was like there was a part of her heart missing. Justine just cried and cried, her tears forming a wet spot on Mike’s shirt, though she hardly noticed. The hand on her back was comforting, causing her to lean in even closer and tighten her arms around his neck just a little bit more. Even if he didn’t think he was being helpful or comforting, or doing it well, he was as far as she was concerned. His bad attempt at humor actually made her chuckle just slightly, though it was followed by a sob. Her body wasn’t shaking quite so much anymore and by the time he stopped himself from saying that he cared about her, her sobs were starting to slow. Justine was too young to understand that he wasn’t supposed to be so attached to them, but after four years, she was attached to him and Gary. Even One and Two would’ve been missed if they left, despite the fact that she almost never saw them. It took a few more minutes for her to calm down completely, for the sobs and shuddering breaths to even out. She pulled back a little bit, enough to turn her cheek flat against his shoulder. She wasn’t ready to let go yet. “I’m sorry for getting your shirt wet,” she whispered, and it took her a few minutes before she was ready to pull away enough to face him. Her red-rimmed eyes and tear-streaked face likely looked horrible, but Justine wasn’t thinking about that. She carefully slid off his lap and back onto her bed, sitting up against the headboard. Her knees were drawn up to her chest, her arms holding them tightly as her chin rested on the tops of her knees. “Mum sent you up with dinner?” she asked, followed by a sniffle. Tears seeped through his shirt at an alarming rate, though Mike wasn’t thinking of the material in the least, his concern was only for Justine. As he wrapped his arms around her he found that he’d done the correct thing, she clung tighter as if trying to suck as much comfort from his grip as possible. It made Mike’s heart ache in a way he’d never quite experienced before. Sure Mike had seen his fair share of pain, mostly physical, but when he’d had to leave his grandmother and brother? That was one of the hardest things he’d ever went through, and seeing this girl in such turmoil came in a close second, by-passing even the worst of Mike’s past break-ups. That was alarming in itself but Mike pushed his own internal thoughts away, saving them for a time when he had the ability to go through them. The time he had at that moment only belonged to Justine. Mike felt an odd swell of pride as he managed to make Justine laugh, though it was just a tiny chuckle interrupted by another dark sob, Mike would take whatever small victory he could pull from the situation. It seemed Justine’s shakes were beginning to ebb as Mike ceased speaking and a few minutes after that her breathing began to even out. Mike almost heaved a sigh of relief, but he didn’t want to disturb his ward so he kept his own breathing deep and even, wishing for Justine to follow his lead and calm down. The immediate sorrow seemed to be working itself out of Justine as she pulled away from Mike enough to lay her cheek on his shoulder. Mike had stopped over thinking the situation a bit ago and couldn’t stop himself from brushing the hair away from Justine’s face as she made a comment on his shirt. Mike told her not to worry about it with a small chuckle and continued to rub her back until she’d settled down enough to move off of his lap. He completely ignored the loss of her warmth, her own brand of comfort she gave Mike, unbeknownst to either of them, and watched as she took up a defensive position against the headboard of her bed. Mike didn’t know if she had put distance between them for his sake or her own so he stayed exactly where he was. “Actually, I took it upon myself to make sure you got something. You’ve not been eating lately, don’t think I haven’t noticed, and I wanted to see you eat something before you all but waste away.” Mike’s words were spoken same as always, gruff to a fault, but the worry showed clear in his eyes as his fingers unconsciously clenched and unclenched in anxiety. She wasn’t super worried about his shirt, but apologizing was the right thing to do. Benji always said the same thing too, though that thought only made her worry her lower lip. She didn’t want to start crying again, not when she’d cried so much already. Having Mike to hold onto made it a little easier for her to deal with the sadness and despair that had crept into her heart. Crying into Benji’s pillow, surrounded by Benji’s comforter, and wearing Benji’s shirt only made her miss him more and that didn’t help anything. The way he brushed her hair behind her ear was so comforting, especially when coupled with the way he was rubbing her back. It was everything she needed and she was glad someone could finally give it to her. “Oh,” was all she said, looking up at him through her lashes. She almost added another sorry but she thought better of it. How many times had her mother told her to stop apologizing so much? “I’ve been eating. Just not much,” Justine admitted with a shrug. She didn’t think it was a particularly bad thing that she wasn’t eating so much because she was still eating. Still, she reached for the plate closest to her, filled with a healthy portion of mashed potatoes, some green beans and a thick slice of roast beef. Fork in hand, she started with the potatoes. They were creamy, just the way she preferred, and offered Mike a slight smile. “Thanks,” she said after a few bites. It didn’t go unnoticed to Mike, how Justine began to worry her lip, eyes growing watery once more before she could completely distance herself, most likely from a memory of Ben. Mike didn’t know how the rest of the family couldn’t see it, the attachment and love that Justine had for her brother. Mike knew it was reciprocated, but he couldn’t for the life of him figure out what would have made Ben just up and leave like he did when he knew it’d break his sister to pieces. He’d lost count of how many times he’d thought of kicking Ben’s little ass all across whatever country he was in, but he couldn’t help but think it one more time. It wasn’t fair, leaving Justine, the whole family, as Ben had done. It was selfish and stupid, they were his family, ready to accept him no matter what -- at least, Mike would, and the younger kids. It was only fair that he give them a chance, in Mike’s eyes. Pushing away the bitterness, Mike frowned at Justine’s reply, not satisfied by it in the least. His gaze softened considerably however, once he saw Justine begin to pick her way through the plate closest to her. “You’re welcome, Tiny. Eat up, you’ll need your strength for training tomorrow. Don’t think I’ll go easy on ya just because you’ve wore yourself out today either.” Slight smile in place Mike stood to pick up his own plate, but wasn’t able to resist ruffling Justine’s hair as he reached to the side table before sitting back down, slightly closer to his ward than he was before. He’d be there if she needed him, no matter what, only a word, an arm’s length away. |