June 2018

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Posts Tagged: 'jasper+williamson'


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#1 - Luca turns FOUR in 3 weeks and I can't decide if this is unacceptable or exciting. Bit of both?

#2 - I have been promoted! To Head of Training, Auror Office! Youths, don't all sign up at once.

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MADDIE.
Hey. Sorry I keep missing you.


DMLE + KINGSLEY.
Yo, Hitwizards - thank you for graciously letting us wreak havoc in your office for months and sharing our pain over fucking man bun. I think you’re all cool people and hope you aren’t strangers now that I’m back in the Auror Office.

Also, I have a homicide attempt (poisoning) suspect that needs to be interviewed, can I do it or do I have to pass it onto a Hitwizard? (Fucking please let me do it).


Luca and I have officially purchased a new cat. I will take name suggestions because none of my current preferences are kid-friendly.

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WARDED TO FORMER AURORS.
KEATS FUCKING THREE-WEEKS-OLD-PISS-POT AVERY
KILLED
FELICITY.


WARDED TO LLJJM.
KEATS AVERY IS A FORMERLY WALKING NOW DEAD GENITAL WART SPROUTING WARTS ON TOP OF WARTS INFECTED BY WHATEVER SWINE HE FUCKED ON HIS WAY TO HELL.





He killed Flick.


WARDED TO BETTY.
Hey. Are you busy?

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WARDED TO FORMER AURORS.
I know it's been a trying few days weeks months. I know we've all experienced horrible losses and I know that there have been revelations lately that have made it difficult to trust each other.

But we're a team. And we're a damn good one at that. And regardless of how we're going about achieving our end goals, we all still have the same end goals, which is to see those discoloured feces stopped.

I’m going to see Luca for a couple of days, but before and after I'm looking into:
  • The two murder attempts on me at my home and in St. Mungo's
  • L. Boot suggested last month I look into Snape, Carrow & Carrow. I did a little while I could but I want to keep investigating. Will update when I have something. Would also appreciate help with it.

    And if anyone has time to update the case files server, there’s… a lot. Can someone make a list of the publicly outed Death Eaters NOW? Between all the hoots, I’m losing track.

    Watchlist updates:
    • V. Avery, if not directly involved, certainly at risk of recruitment. Did you have a chance to talk to her, Demeter?
    • V. Slughorn, ditto.
    • Anyone know who the purist leaning Healers at Mungo’s are?
    • Little Bitch Rosier, and his annoying sister.
    • Is there another Rosier?
    • V. Mulciber (honestly, is everyone with a first name starting with V going to end up on this list?)
    • [.....................................] I. Travers.
    • T. Travers.
    • E. Carmichael, not because I think he is going to be one, but he should be on the watch list for his own safety at this point.
    • R. Burke was Selwyn’s cousin, no?
    • Am I missing any other direct relations to Death Eaters?


  • WARDED TO CHELSEA.
    How are you coping?

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    NOT FUCKING DEAD YET YOU YEAST-INFECTED TWATS.
    Not Dead, © J. A. Williamson, 2018.

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    Some people are good.
    Some people are bad.
    Some people are walking veneral diseases
    Who smell like a skunk came
    All over a jug of spoilt milk.

    WARDED TO DMLE.
    Reporting a homocide outside my home [address in Brighton]. Victim identified at Felicity Swann. Body appears to have been moved here after she was murdered.


    WARDED TO FORMER AURORS.
    They killed Luca’s mother. Don’t say sorry. Just help me find whichever fuck did this.

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    Great news! I got fired the other day and am no longer employed by the fucked up DMLE who would rather spend their resources looking into finding members of the Order, who haven't actually killed anyone in the last few months, instead of solving actual crime.

    And since The Daily Prophet can't publish anything that isn't Death Eater propaganda, I'd love to take a moment to confirm the following: rather than allowing a trained, experience Auror respond to members of the public in danger, my esteemed former superior, "Ar." Corban Yaxley sent me off to rescue cats. According to my count, I've retrieved and filed paperwork for approx. 73 cats.

    Please forward your feedback to c.yaxley@dmle.mom.mag

    WARDED TO FRIENDS.
    Meanwhile, if anyone wants to give me something to look into now that I have all the fucking time in the world, do it now, or I'm fucking off to find Luca.

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    [ MADDIE ]

    [ FORMER AURORS ]
    I'm updating server files tonight + tomorrow unless (Merlin forbid) some shit happens (touch fuckin wood). Figure it's a good time to re-circulate a list amongst us of suspected Death Eaters. Who've you all got down?


    [ MADDIE ]
    Are you still avoiding


    [ FLICK ]
    Happy Mother's Day Hey.


    I have a great joke today. Can orphans eat at a family restaurant?

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    I wrote a poem. It's dedicated to Death Eaters.
    Cult of rotten
    potato-faced,
    devil's ballsack licking,
    diseased pricks.

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    What's an easy dinner recipe that looks fancy but you don't have to actually have that many skills to pull it off?

    WARDED TO DMLE.
    Yaxley, can you do something fucking useful for once in your goddamned life and tell Avery and Rosier that pledging rewards for large sums of money is going to flood our offices with hot garbage tips?


    WARDED TO FORMER AURORS.
    Gawain's birthday is in a couple of days. I think we should get together for it.

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    WARDED TO 05-02.
    Lmao remember when the war ended the first time and we all thought life would be okay again?

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    WARDED TO FORMER AURORS.
    I don’t know what to say. I just thought I should

    I don’t know


    Rhys, please tell me you’ve figured out which cave they have his Mum in because someone has to at least try to get her before they kill her too if they haven’t


    WARDED TO FLICK.
    I need to see Luca.

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    I have night shifts coming up so please everyone kindly behave and do no evil from now until February 6th. Bore the DMLE to death. I dare you.

    WARDED TO BYRON.
    How are you doing, mate?

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    My New Year's resolution is to drink more. How's that?

    WARDED TO FRIENDS.
    Some long overdue updates:
    • BELLATRIX LESTRANGE SMILED AT ME ON CHRISTMAS EVE???
    • AND THEN SHE SENT MY SON A KNEAZLE!!!!!
    • So then my son and my son's mother tried to leave the country.
    • Well, technically we were planning on them doing that as soon as this stupid will contest with Murder Twat was settled.
    • But it took forever because Murder Twat stole my mother's engagement ring.
    • But it worked out well in the end because then we changed the terms of the settlement and she had no choice but to accept.
    • Anyway. Cut to NYE and Flick was arrested for trying to smuggle out a Muggleborn.
    • No, I didn't know she was going to do that.
    • She's out now but has a travel ban on her and can't leave the country again.
    • And my son still has his stupid kneazle.


    Is that all?

    Oh yeah, Maddie moved into my spare room. I forgot about that.

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    WARDED TO DMLE MINUS MAN BUN.
    Owen is shirtless. My arm is broken. We have a man eating giant fly trap in Upper Flagley, and just fought off Rodolphus Lestrange and some masked kid who is super into Owen.


    WARDED TO FRIENDS.
    UGH FUCK DEATH EATERS THEY PLANTED A PLANT THAT ATE AN OLD DUDE OUTSIDE ST OSWALDS

    Also, my arm is broken and I’m still in the waiting room.

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    Me have also learned new things today.
    1. Me must write like this now.
    2. Sending a hext that says, “Me will see you for dinner at 7, then. Me am looking forward to it 😉” ends in radio silence.

    An excerpt from Me, Jasper. AMA.

    WARDED TO GAWAIN + MADDIE.
    Me sent nifflers to the Malfoys the other day. Hopefully that distracted them + Lestranges from a day’s worth of evil.

    Me am still thinking of where + how best to send a Death Eater a Potter tip-off. Can we arrange to have some porta-potties out in a field somewhere and tell them he’s in one of them? Me votes they are post-music festival grade of used.

    Also, server’s up. Me figured we could start with a list of known Death Eaters and then a folder of suspected ones. Since all our old files got incinerated, we’ll have to start up a new database of information.

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    How do merpeople pee?

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    WHICH OF YOU DEATH EATER ADULT DIAPER BAGS FULL OF EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA TOUCHED MY SON

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