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Sensei (sensei_san) wrote in devils_tower,
@ 2009-06-16 17:44:00

Entry tags:

blaze, sensei

Week Fourteen -- Thursday
WHO: Sensei and Blaze
WHAT: Some long overdue time together
WHERE: The Hospital - the stairs near the main entrance
WHEN: Late Thursday Night
RATING: TBD
STAUS: Incomplete // Closed

It was really awful...missing someone when they were so close. Sensei hadn't spoken to Blaze much in the past weeks. He hadn't had any sort of intimacy with him. It felt wrong, missing Blaze when he was technically close enough to touch. His thoughts drifted to him often, whenever they weren't focused on his sister being missing. The way he felt was sort of different. More in-depth than other relationships he'd had in the past. It wasn't just simple attraction. It was something more than that. Honestly, Sensei was starting to think that he was in love. The distance had given him time to think about how he really felt. But that same distance really only made it harder as well.

There was just too much going on. His sister was still missing and none of those that had searched for her had found her. That was weighing heavily on his mind to start with. Paired with all of his thinking about where he stood with Blaze, it was even worse. He just wanted everything to be alright. Needed everything to be alright. Otherwise, he was more than sure that he'd be stuck inside his own head for awhile. It wasn't a good place to be, with so many less than pleasant thoughts running over and over again.

The day had worn him out, so when night fell, it was only natural that he couldn't just sleep even though most everyone else in the hospital had gone to bed. He was just...thinking too much. But until everything got back to normal, or at least as close to normal as they'd been, it wasn't going to end. It very well could have ended up driving him insane.

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alexblaze
2009-06-16 09:09 pm UTC (link)

After Blaze's conversation with his brother that afternoon he decided to take a walk. There was a lot of work to be done, but he just couldn't bring himself to get back to it. He'd been going non-stop and he needed some kind of a break. Besides, he could look for Nori and ask around about her while he was at it.

He'd ended up walking for a long time, even making it to the northern edge of Wolf territory. He was looking for Nori, and asked anyone he saw about her, but he was also trying to think. He had a lot of feelings and horrible images to sort out in his head. Talking to his brother had really helped to pull him out of the work-fogged mire that he'd let himself sink into.

By the time he'd made it back to the hospital it was already really late and he was sure that everyone else would be in bed. He had also made up his mind about two things: he would find Tootles' grave and do his best to make his peace with the son he had never really known, and he would try to clear things up with Sensei.

He walked slowly up the steps to the hospital and opened the newly attached front door. It was nice to not have to squirm in through a flap. He was thankful for the Wolves and the fact that they didn't have to hide anymore. Things would be a lot better for the tribe as a whole, Blaze thought.

He closed the door behind him and turned to walk up the stairs when there sat Sensei. "Hi." Blaze said quietly. He took a deep breath and sat down beside Sensei. Now was as good a time as any, he figured. He looked over at Sensei. He'd really missed him, more than he could have ever imagined. The distance between them had been difficult to deal with, especially when he had still seen him almost every day.

"Couldn't sleep?" Blaze looked over at Sensei with a somewhat shy smile. He wasn't quite sure where to start.

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sensei_san
2009-06-17 07:19 pm UTC (link)

Of course there was work to be done. There would always be work to be done now that things had taken such a turn. The work was the only thing that could take his mind off of all of the problems going on. But sometimes it wasn't enough to stop the thoughts turning over and over in his head. You can only go so long working before the thoughts simply creep back in and preoccupy your attention.

He watched the darkness fall, just sitting there on the stairs. It didn't really matter much to him. Sensei couldn't sleep, so the time passing didn't really affect anything. His sister was still missing, he was still so distant from Blaze...it just hadn't ended. When he saw the door open, it caught his attention and he looked up to see who it was. Who else was possibly up this late? That question was answered once the person was completely inside. It was Blaze. Sensei couldn't deny that the sight of him made his spirits lift a bit, despite the distance between them.

"Hi..." came his answer, equally as quiet. He watched as Blaze sat down beside him, his eyes matching his gaze. There was no doubt that Sensei had missed Blaze, so, so much. The distance between them was horrible and quite hard to deal with. Being so close to someone you cared about but not feeling the closeness you'd had before...it was hard.

He returned the smile. "No, not really. I've just had too much to think about." He ran a hand through his hair. "What about you? Why were you out so late?"

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alexblaze
2009-06-18 12:41 am UTC (link)

It was good to see Sensei smile, even if it did seem like a tired one. They were all tired. Everyone had been through so much in the last six weeks, it was almost like they were having to start everything they'd worked for all over again. Blaze was sure that in the end it would somehow be worth it. The Carrion had a chance at having a decent future, and Blaze trusted Wolf. He could sympathize with the guy's ideals.

Blaze studied Sensei's features. It would be so nice to just crawl in bed with him and sleep for a few days, then start everything over again. He'd not only missed Sensei's physical company but his general companionship. Ever since the St. Patrick's party things had been on the rocks. If that incident had taught him anything it should have taught him the importance of open communication, but somehow he'd become so shut down that six weeks had slipped by them with hardly any kind of exchange. It was almost worse than when they'd been at each other's throats, at least they'd talked more then, even if it had been arguing.

Blaze nodded and looked towards the front door. "Same here. I took a walk to clear my head. I was looking for Nori too..." He bit his bottom lip with a small sigh and looked back to Sensei, "I think we need to talk about some things."

Hazard had tried to reassure Blaze that Sensei still had feelings for him, but Blaze wasn't sure. After all, he hadn't done much to deserve Sensei's sympathy, let alone his love. If anything, he felt that he'd hurt Sensei and let him down. But, he had already made up his mind that he was going to follow Hazard's advice and be honest with Sensei.

"I've really missed you. It's like we don't know each other anymore."

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sensei_san
2009-06-18 09:53 pm UTC (link)

In the end, things would most definitely be worth it. But the track that they all had to take to get to that end result was so tiring. Everyone was tired and had been for so many weeks because of the war and all its effects. Starting over on what they'd already had...it was exhausting, to say the least. Still, Sensei was glad that Carrion's future was looking up.

He kept looking at that face that he knew so well by now...those lips, those eyes, everything. Sensei wanted so badly to just have things like they had been, when he and Blaze could just be close. The lack of company, physical or no, had only made him miss the other boy more. Ever since St. Patrick's day, things had taken a turn for the worse. And while he'd been mad then, the time to think had gotten him over things. He would have gladly forgiven Blaze, but the distance and lack of communication between them had made that impossible. It was difficult to bear. Especially considering that they'd spoken more when they'd actually fought in the past. Arguing was better than silence.

The mention of his sister had him thinking again. Hopefully she would be found soon, or he would likely have no idea what to do. It made him sigh softly before he looked back over at Blaze. "Yeah, we do." There were definitely things for them to talk about.

Of course Sensei still had feelings for Blaze. He hadn't been able to shake those feelings ever since the first day he'd ever seen him. They certainly weren't going to change now. If anything, they'd evolved and changed to something more than just a simple attraction. And they had survived his being hurt and disappointed.

Sensei looked down a moment after hearing Blaze's words. But then he looked right back up into Blaze's eyes. "I missed you too...it's been so different. I don't like it." And he meant that. "There's a distance between us that shouldn't be there..."

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alexblaze
2009-06-25 11:27 pm UTC (link)

It was hard for Blaze not to smile a little in relief when Sensei admitted that the distance between them had actually bothered him. Blaze felt the first inkling of hope that there was still a chance for him to make things right between them. He swallowed hard, trying to muster up the courage that he'd felt just after having spoken to his kid brother earlier that afternoon.

He figured that it might be easier if he got the negative things out of the way. After a deep breath he began, "When I went to get Tootles and Junk to bring them to the farm..." He recounted everything that he'd told his brother earlier that afternoon, although he was able to keep his emotions in better check than he had earlier. He had to stop every now and then as he spoke and look away to prevent himself from crying again.

"I didn't know how to deal with that, I still don't really. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about all of it sooner. I should have let myself open up about it but I couldn't." He shook his head, "And Nori... I've been trying to find her. I'm so sorry I haven't been able to find her."

He reached out and took Sensei's hand. "Everything that has happened, before and during the war... it has really made me think about things. The worst thing about losing Tootles is that I never got to know him. I don't want to lose anyone else without having let myself open up to them."

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sensei_san
2009-07-03 01:10 am UTC (link)

Of course the distance between them had bothered him. How could it not have? You couldn't just avoid a person that you felt so connected to for such a long time without the feeling that something wasn't right. Sensei just hoped that there was a way to fix things between them. Because he'd much rather have Blaze than be without him. He watched Blaze, giving a small reassuring smile when he smiled some. But judging from the way he swallowed a moment later, something important had to be coming. Something that might be difficult for Blaze to say. Sensei waited for him to speak, wanting to hear just what he had to say.

He hadn't been expecting something so negative. Still, his attention never wavered as Blaze talked about everything that had happened back when the Carrion were fleeing the city. Hearing about what had happened with Junk and Tootles...it was awful. He'd had no idea that things had gone that way. And he felt rather bad for Blaze. It couldn't have been easy to watch someone die like that.

Sensei wasn't exactly sure what to say about everything with Junk and Tootles. He could understand why Blaze hadn't said anything. "You don't have to be sorry. I understand, at least as well as I can." And it was true, he did. "As for my sister, that can't be helped. You tried your best to find her..."

When Blaze took his hand, it wasn't at all unwelcomed. In fact, the simple feeling of holding hands was a comfort. Something that he'd missed. "Well I'm glad you chose to open up to me," he said, his words sincere. "Although, you say that like you're going to lose me. Just for the record...I really don't think that's possible."

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alexblaze
2009-07-26 07:53 pm UTC (link)

Blaze searched Sensei's gaze. He was sure that Sensei held more fear and sadness about Nori's dissappearance than he was letting on. Of course, Sensei had to maintain his position as their leader and so some of that was to be expected. He hoped that after this at least that Sensei would know that he was there to listen. He'd spent all his free time trying to find Nori,and hadn't found any trace of her. He'd noticed that Hollywood had also been searching, perhaps even harder than himself. If she was anywhere in the Sundance area one of them would be sure to find her or at least learn some piece of valuable information as to her whereabouts. "I won't stop looking, no matter what. And I know that Hollywood won't either." Even if the worst had happened to Nori, Blaze wanted Sensei to know. He didn't want the boy he loved to have to live with such a horrible, unanswered question.

Blaze smiled somewhat shyly at Sensei's reassurance. It looked like Hazard had been right after all. Blaze turned so that he could pull Sensei into a sideways hug. He held Sensei for a long and quiet moment, enjoying the feeling of finally being close to him again. "I hope not..." He leaned back from Sensei, but still kept an arm around his shoulders. During their distance from each other he hadn't only been meditating on the bad things that had happened and were happening; no, something else had been nagging at him. Although they'd hardly spoken or done anything with each other outside of tribal business the last few months, Blaze had been watching Sensei and he'd started to feel something inside of him that he hadn't felt in a long time.

"Because I love you Sen."

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sensei_san
2009-07-27 03:47 am UTC (link)

Blaze was correct in that assumption. It was terribly difficult having his sister missing. The sheer fact that he had no idea where she was or if she was hurt ate at him every single minute. And the possibility that his little Nori could be dead...well that weighed even more heavily on his mind. But Sensei couldn't let himself go to shambles. He also had his tribe to think about. He still had to be their leader, despite the fact that his one and only little sister still hadn't been found. He didn't doubt that Blaze had been doing his best to look for her. That was all that he could ask for. "Thank you, I appreciate that. More than I can really say." He hoped beyond hope that they'd find her and bring her back. His little sister dead...well, that was something that he was rather sure he wouldn't be able to handle. Nori was his only sister in the entirety of the world and he loved her.

The hug was immensely reassuring and comforting. It had been so long since he and Blaze had really been close and not had such distance between them. Naturally, his arm went to loop around Blaze's waist. It was instinct by now and having gone so long without doing it, he needed to do it now. Being so close and yet so far from Blaze had made him feel longing for him, but amongst those feelings there was something else...something that he couldn't quite put his finger on. Or perhaps he knew what it was, but didn't know how to phrase it out loud.

Those five words caught him off guard. Had he been imagining that Blaze said them, or had it actually happened. For a split second, Sensei was speechless. But then a soft smile touched his lips. Then, with a thought that seemed entirely natural and right, he responded. "I love you too." Those words just felt so right rolling off of his tongue.

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alexblaze
2009-07-29 12:46 am UTC (link)

Blaze let out a mental sigh of relief when Sensei finally smiled and returned his sentiments. At first he'd been confused about his feelings for Sensei, then he had been afraid, and finally he'd simply been unsure of how to tell Sensei what he felt. And what he felt was certainly love. He'd decided that as long as he could have Sensei at his side that he could somehow manage to get through all of the horrible things that had happened.

Earlier in the afternoon it had surprised Blaze just how easy it had been for him to admit, out loud and to his brother, that he was in love with Sensei. It had felt like a relief, and the moment after he'd said it it was as if all of his concern over what his brother or what anyone else might think, had vanished. If the virus and all the horrible contents of its aftermath had taught Blaze anything it was to seize the moment, be himself and fuck everyone else and their opinions. He was finally ready to live the lesson that the last three years had taught him.

Blaze grinned and scoffed a happy laugh as he pulled Sensei closer to him and placed an affectionate kiss on his mouth. "Do you want to go for a walk?" Blaze had been tired earlier but Sensei's company had given him a fresh burst of energy.

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sensei_san
2009-07-29 02:44 am UTC (link)

It was a great relief to just come out and say what he really felt for Blaze. Getting to that point had been quite the confusing ride. At first he wasn't sure just how to describe his true feelings. Of course he'd liked Blaze and everything, but it had been hard to determine where the plain like had ended and the feelings more like love had began. And then it had been difficult to really work up the guts to voice his true feelings.

Saying those three little words had been much simpler than he'd thought. The right moment had happened and things had just clicked. Why had no one ever told him it was that easy?

That kiss made him undeniably happy. It had been so long since he'd felt those lips against his own. When they pulled back there was a smile on his face. "That sounds good." Suddenly he wasn't feeling so tired.

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alexblaze
2009-07-29 09:08 am UTC (link)

It felt good to not only be kissing Sensei again, but for the first time to not be worried about someone coming down the stairs and seeing them. He was tired of hiding, and he knew that Sensei had never cared one way or the other really. He was thankful that Sensei had been so patient with him about everything, from the very beginning.

"Great. I'm going to go grab something, I'll be right back." Blaze gave Sensei's shoulders a squeeze before he hopped to his feet and went up the stairs as fast as he could while still trying to be quiet so as not to wake anyone else up. Once he reached his room he grabbed a few things, threw them into his satchel and went back downstairs to meet Sensei. "All right, I'm ready." He grinned and lead the way out the front door.

The last time he'd been on a nice walk with Sensei had been on the way to the St. Patrick's Day party. Blaze was determined that unlike that night, this night would end much better. "Let's go south." He jogged down the stairs of the hospital and lead the way into the car and tree crowded streets of their territory. A lot had been cleaned up and now things almost looked better than they had before the war.

The weather was perfect and so Blaze hadn't worn his jacket, just an old t-shirt with the sleeves cut off and a pair of jean cut-off shorts. He reached out and took Sensei's hand as they walked through the alleyways and deserted streets. There were still a few street lights that worked, while some flickered insanely and others didn't work at all.

"When I was traveling with the carnival my friends and I would always go out really late at night, after the shows. We would still be in costume most of the time. Towns are different this late at night. They were quiet, clean, it felt like time had stopped. Time always feels like it has stopped now, with the way things are. Everything is so much quieter."

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