InsaneJournal

That Letter
Week Fourteen -- Monday
Who: Windchaser
Where: In the hands of a Drifter
When: Monday morning
Why: Because it needs to be said

Windchaser closed her eyes and watched the boy move out, looking for the Twin Feathers, Windchaser couldn’t bring herself to carry it to its addressee herself, but now she’d decided to stay it was something that needed to be said, even if the answer might yet break her heart.
She stood trying not to cry, she hadn’t cried in so long, been through so much and kept it in, but the war had changed her outlook, things were awful, but the bonds she had built through it had made her decide to stick with the Wolves and tribal life as a whole. She belonged here now, but she felt she owed Ryder the truth of how she had always felt.



Dear Alle,

I wish I knew where to start, I really do. I wish as I wrote this I could think of grown up words to write, and that my hand wasn’t shaking as I was write. I’ve had bits of this letter forming for so many years, but never been brave enough to write it. Or maybe Ellie wasn’t and Windchaser is.

So, I’m staring at the beginning…Our beginning I suppose, When I was in high school I read a short story, called ‘Cowboys Are My Weakness’ by Pam Houston. It made me want something a closed in girl from Texas doesn’t get to have. Little did I know that I would almost get to have…All because you chose me, and chose to keep me with you, at least while I was useful as I have learned now.

“I have a picture in my mind of a tiny ranch on the edge of a stand of pine trees with some horses in the yard. There’s a woman standing in the doorway in cutoffs and a blue chainbray work shirts and she’s just kissed her tall, bearded, softly spoken husband goodbye. There’s laundry hanging outside and the sun is filtering through the tree branches like spiderwebs. It’s the morning after the full moon and behind the house the deer have eaten everything that was left in the garden.
If I were a painter, I’d paint that picture just to see if the girl in the doorway would turn out to be me…”

I would still paint that picture, and if I was a good enough artist, it would be your ranch…Home…Our home. And if the girl in the picture was me, or at least it would be Ellie, and if the girl was Ellie, then I would hope the cowboy in the picture would be Alle, because I loved him…Love him, but this brings us on to Ryder.

I’m trying to figure Ryder out, equate him with the man I loved. Even though I’ve found someone who looks like my Alle, I don’t know if Ryder is him. I spent so long missing the sound of Alle’s voice, of that mark of him, so proud of who he was, and I was proud of him too, so proud. The man I found sounds just like everyone else, and it makes me sad.

Whatever has happened Ryder, to either of us, there is still so much to be proud of, of everything that has gone before, of home and our shared past. I simply hope that the man I adored is not gone, beaten out of you by the virus and everything that came after it, because I miss him.

And to me, a little, I named the horse as I did because it gave me an excuse to speak a little bit of Spanish each day, and because I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me when we met, so I could prove I’d at least remembered some of what you taught me.
Allejandro Reyes is also the reason for my name. I told myself I wouldn’t rest until I found you, so you are the wind I’ve been chasing. I still don’t know if I can rest.

The war has changed everything too, because even though I doubt I’ll ever recover what has been lost, as far as we’re concerned, I know I can’t leave the Wolves now, with Shadow gone I am genuinely needed now, as a medic and as the shoulder to cry on that you of all people should know that I can be. That offer is open to everyone, is open to you. We have all lost friends, as well as building strong new friendships in battle, but more than that, we have lost family, as we both know it does not take blood to build a family. I would still like you to be a part of my family, if you can bring yourself to do it. I hope you can. I also hope I will never just be Windchaser to you, and that you can remember the past we shared with the same affection I do.

I don’t know what I expect you to do about this letter, maybe nothing, maybe everything, maybe something in between, but I felt like you needed to know. I love you, always have. Don’t worry, it’s not going to break my heart if you pretend I never sent the letter, or disown me, as long as you don’t laugh at me. Know that I will always be your friend, and will never demand anything of you because, I know that you have never considered me as more than a friend, but there it is, out there, said…I love you Allejandro Reyes.

Yours Always,
Ellie