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Oct. 28th, 2010



So, my wife wants a divorce. She can see how my problems make it hard for her, and she isn't willing to try any more. She sees how her problems make things hard for me, too, but she thinks I'm stupid or crazy or something for wanting to keep trying. She's depressed, and she can't see it, and no one she trusts can either. Nothing I say at this point is any good. When she is feeling good, she thinks it will work, and she wants to wait out the problem, but even then, she isn't willing to make the right effort to fix things, because she's afraid. She's convinced that what I need is really just a want, and it's a want for codependency. I don't want that. She tells me all the time that I never take responsibility for my actions, but she wants me to find the part of every problem for which I am to blame, and consider that the root cause, while she does the same, find the part that is my fault, not hers. She hasn't always been like this, but something has changed recently, and every time we take a step forward, she finds a different step backward to take. When she first asked for a divorce, she just assumed she wouldn't have a relationship for a while. Now she wants me to tell her that I think it would be OK for us to have an open relationship, so that she can develop romantic relationships with other people, and I can be left out in the cold. She won't admit it, even to herself, it seems, but that's what she wants. She has point blank told me that she wishes she could have all the benefits of staying married (which were mainly based around the kids and her having things easier, and some mistaken idea that I would be happy to have a half-marriage) and also all the benefits of being single. She's been obsessing about this for a couple of years, and only recently started talking to me about it. She sees me as sicker than I am, and for a long time defined her life around that idea, in spite of evidence, and so now she can't remember me not being helplessly depressed. She goes to counseling appointments with me, but when I bring up a topic that's hard, she shuts down. She gets angry and won't talk things out. She feels attacked if I say what I think, even if it's neutral, and she feels yelled at if I talk to her when I'm angry, even if I'm not angry with her and bend over backwards to express that. She is critical of my efforts, and she complains of me walking on eggshells all the time, while blowing up randomly.

And yet, when things are good, they are very good. She is still my best friend, the one I can bounce strange ideas off of, who will tell me what she thinks without lying and without being too stupid to understand. She still wants to want to, somewhere inside of her, and sometimes that pokes through. She just is scared, and is sure that I can no longer offer her comfort when she's scared, because I'm not competent to do so, even though I do it, almost every day, in lots of little ways, she only notices the ones I fail at. Right now I'm feeling particularly empty.

It doesn't help that my DD is becoming defiant, and making our life hell. She's been taking all my time for a week, and is starting to take my wife's time as well. The other kids are feeling neglected, the chores aren't getting done, I'm falling behind on everything I need to do around the house, she's falling behind at work, because my DD won't even try to adjust to her new school. She has decided that she would be being false to herself to try to like it, because right now she doesn't. The added stress is not helping anything between my wife and I. I want to turn the challenge with my DD into a mutual enemy, but I feel she won't let me. It's always either I deal with it or she deals with it, or we have to find an agreement but she doesn't like the way I've been going about things so it would have been better if she had just done everything from the start.

May. 11th, 2009


is my family saner or crazier than I am?

Lately I've been doing well. The voices in my head are off on vacation, or may possibly have given up on me entirely, or maybe they're just doing paperwork, but they're not talking to me. And this is good.
I'm generally getting more done each day, and this is good.
I'm feeling hopeful about the future, and this is good.
What is not so good is that I am often crabby with my family, and especially I am on short fuse for them fighting. Right now my youngest son is crying and the others are being wild, and they should all have been going to sleep an hour ago.
My wife is short-tempered all the time these days, too. I feel like she is nitpicky with me and everyone else, and is so wrapped up in her world that she doesn't notice anyone else's life unless it intrudes on her plans, which she often forgets to share these days.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still better off than most people I know. I'm just starting to think that no amount of individual counselling is going to get any of us much farther until we start some family counselling, and we spend so much time seeing so many psycologists already that it's frankly getting close to out of hand.
So now the questions are, first, how do I know if I'm right about family counseling, and second, if I am right, how do I get my wife to convince me (not that I'm manipulative, no, not me)

Actually, the second one is pretty easy. I bring the topic up, and then I tell my wife all the objections I have to it, and then she tells me why they are stupid, and unless she really doesn't want to, we start.

The problem is that if I am not right about what I think ought to be done, in this instance going to family counseling, then we get into a big mess, and it's because I convinced her it was a good idea. My gut says it is a good idea, and my brain says that if it weren't a good idea, I wouldn't be able to realize that such a high percentage of my unhappiness these days comes from not getting along with my family. So I will talk to her about it as we go to sleep tonight, and by tomorrow she will be telling me that she thinks we ought to do it.

Dec. 12th, 2008



So yeah, my name is Lindsay and I'm turning 20 in January. I've been pretty messed up on and off since freshman year high school. Whenever I start to get depressed I feel alone and like no one cares about me. I feel ignored and unwanted. I'm not good at expressing my feelings to people, generally because when I first started getting depressed my mom told me that if I acted upset around my friends they wouldn't want to hang out with me anymore. The bulk of my problems high school occurred because I felt terrible but could never express it. Everything was fake. I still get like that when I get depressed, and it's happening again. I had a greatestjournal back in high school where I would write about how I felt as a way to let out the emotions I had to keep bottled up inside. I'm not really a consistent or very damaging cutter but I have cut myself a few times. The last time was last year, but I just did it again recently. I cut my ankles where I figure people won't see it, but recently I've been considering cutting for the very purpose of having people see and notice me. I feel like no one ever notices me or how I feel. Basically what I'm looking for here is some people who want to friend me, read my nonsense, get to know me, comment, whatever, and I would do the same back. I just want something a little more personal and consistent than posting only on here. Thanks a lot. Hope to get to know some of you soon.

Nov. 14th, 2008


What 2008 had in store for me:

-losing a close friend to a drug overdose
-the end of a year-long relationship
-not finding a job after college graduation
-having seizures, after 13 years of being off medication and seizure-free
-several old friendships falling apart
-and finding myself all alone, a little too often for comfort.

It's getting to be too much to handle. I've contemplated suicide far too much, and no longer see a need to wake up in the morning. I can smile, I can interact with people normally, but it's all a facade, and I go through my days hoping someone will see through it. But no one does. No one sees, and no one cares. I find myself wanting to die, but more than that, I desperately want to live.
...I just don't know what I'm living for. That's the problem.

I no longer see the beauty in anything.

Oct. 27th, 2008


STUDY | Depression could be factor in preterm births

BY RITA RUBIN, October 27, 2008

Depression in pregnant women could help explain the growing problem of preterm delivery.

Read more... )

Oct. 25th, 2008


I hope its okay if I join...

My name is Kimi and I am 20 years old. I have mild autism, ADHD, severe anxiety, A slow learning disability and possible Dyscalculia. I am looking for friends that are like me and to have people who are willing to let me share my experiences with my disabilities and maybe even get more infortmation about them so I can help my parents understand what they are.

I am a very caring person and very friendly. I can get pretty upset over little things and sometimes even my emotions get the best of me. I am currently disabled and unable to work, receiving SSI benefits for all my disabilities.

I hope I can make some friends here and not get teased because I am different. I can also be very shy so if I don't talk to you or post comments to your LJ, its not because I don't like you or anything. I have trouble with being able to open up to people, even online.

Oct. 18th, 2008



Has anyone else recently gotten a letter in the mail, with "Health/Alert" on the outside envelope, and an ad for a new medication called "Stavzor" inside?

It just came out of the blue today, with my name on it... and I'm trying to figure out how or why this pharma company would be sending it to me. It's a medicine for bipolar disorder, apparently... and I do have family members with bipolar disorder and there's always been the possibility that my depression could eventually morph into bipolar disorder... but that information is all confidential and protected, and shouldn't be accessible to a pharmaceutical company.

So I'm hoping that my receiving it is just some kind of stupid coincidence, but I was wondering if anyone else who has been treated for depression has ended up on their mailing list, too. Because it just really bugs me and a lot of the wording seems a little too on-the-nose for a random mailing.

Oct. 2nd, 2008


It's getting bad again

Actually, today is the best day I've had this week. At least today I can write about how I feel. The first part of the week I got nothing done. I still feel like I have no friends I can count on to support me when I'm really in trouble. I am stuck on a project here, and don't know how to move forward. It would help if I knew where to get ahold of a small amount of construction-grade explosives, but I don't.

My wife is upset. She can see me sliding back into depression, and she is worried about me and about herself. She has a lot going on at work as well. This really isn't a good time for me to need lots of help from her.

Gee, wouldn't it be cool if I could mix some of my medicines into explosives?

The kids are fighting more, probably because they are worried about the increasing instability here at home. That doesn't make it any easier on me, either, but since it's my fault, I guess I shouldn't complain.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent, and pretending to listen. I'll talk to you again the next time I want to kill myself and no one cares.

Sep. 22nd, 2008



Hey, I'm not really sure how to go about this. My name is Jill and I've been a cutter for the last six years or so. I used to burn, too. For a long time maybe a year in between the six, I was fine. I didn't cut, but I did drink and smoke a lot.

I'm only seventeen and I've written more suicide notes than love letters.

I decided today after a week of relapsing that I'm going to set up an appointment with a counselor in my college. I've done a lot of research and I truly believe that I'm suffering from Bipolar II Rapid Cycle. My family has a history of mental illness so it's not such a crazy thing to believe. Heh. Pun. I also have a tendency to try and make jokes in association to my problem just so that others don't feel too uncomfortable.

Yeah, I'm really at a loss for what else to write. I just needed to try to talk to people who are going through similar things and can understand me. I'm a really open person so ask whatever you'd like or don't. It's alright either way.

Sep. 20th, 2008


I just saw a very articulate description of my depression. "Depression is not the lone effect of missing a dose of Cymbalta, it seems more like a psychosis, an irrational state that feels and seems rational. That is to say that horrible things seem to make sense. It is a very bad place to be." Trouble is, now I'm like this even WITH the damn Cymbalta.

I did get up and get dressed. I even walked to the store to buy some basic necessities. I've even eaten... of course, eating is usually a problem in the other direction for me. I tend either to binge eat or to starve when the depression gets too bad.

I have valid reasons for being depressed, like the fact that I think my marriage has crumbled under my feet. I'm too easygoing, too accommodating... I'm an enabler, I guess, and I've sort of enabled my way out of being important... to anyone who actually lives with me.

I've spent a lot of time crying for the past couple of weeks.

Even nice things that people do for me make me sad.

I see the shrink next month.

Sep. 10th, 2008


Hi, my name is...

Hi, I'm new to IJ. My name is Bethany, and I have major depression and anxiety. It caused me to drop out of college and put me in a lot of debt; at this point I'm working a full time job to pay my bills, and I don't have insurance any longer, so I don't have any medication. I'm working on getting medicade, but it's going to take over a month, and I've been off meds for nearly a year now.

I'm doing so-so; my moodswings are pretty bad and I deal with a lot of irrational guilt and low self esteem. I've quit a couple jobs because I couldn't hold it together with the stress of the job, but I've got a full time again and am trying very hard to keep my head above both the financial and emotional waters.

I joined this community because I need an outlet; I'm afraid my support group is one person, and she can't always help, for she's dealing with her own problems.

Er, that was long, but hi.

Jul. 28th, 2008


Going back to old doc

I've decided that I'm going back to my former psychiatrist, even though he doesn't take insurance anymore. At least I can always count on him, and he has someone to back him up when he's not available. The cost per 30-minute session is $120, which I can afford if it's only every three months or so. I really like this doc, so it's worth the money. I shouldn't have to put up with an unreliable doc just because he takes my insurance. (And there aren't that many docs in my area who do.)

Jul. 25th, 2008


Nice to know I have a doctor I can count on... not!

I was running low on one of my medications, so I ordered some through the mail-order pharmacy, and it was to be delivered by UPS. Well, the morons at the mail-order pharmacy screwed up and didn't put my apartment number on the shipment, so UPS sat on it for a few days, then shipped it back to the pharmacy. So now I only have a few days' supply left... I called my psychiatrist's office, but he's out of town (of course), and he has no backup for him. Isn't that the dumbest thing you ever heard of? A psychiatrist who has no backup when he's gone, so in case of an emergency, the patient is screwed?? What if I suddenly had a mood meltdown and had to be hospitalized and everything?

Anyway, I managed to get a prescription (for 10 days' worth, which should last me until the stuff comes from the mail-order pharmacy - they are re-sending it, though they had to be badgered into doing that... at first they insisted on me getting a new prescription before they would send anything) from my primary care doctor's office. My doctor happened to be on vacation (maybe she's at the same conference as my shrink!). But the other doctor in the office approved it. At least my primary care doc has a backup!!

Jul. 21st, 2008



Hi, I'm new to IJ and to this list. I have bipolar disorder, but I've been pretty stable for the last few years. I take Depakote and Geodon, plus Seroquel to help me sleep and Adderall to calm restlessness.

Just wanted to say hello! :-)

Jul. 18th, 2008


I'm home

I've been in the hospital for the last week. I got home on Monday. I'm doing a little better, but the Pdoc there was hopeless.

Jul. 15th, 2008


Hi there.
First of all, I’d like to introduce myself.
My name is Maria, I’m almost 20, and I’ve suffered from OCD since I was about 8 or 9. It’s gone through a couple of different stages, and I’ve got it mostly under control these days.
I’m currently studying Film Design, and am filming a short film, more even a conceptual video, on OCD. What I need is a couple of people who would be willing to talk about their experiences with OCD. You will not be filmed, it’ll be done by email, but I will need some very honest revelations, namely the thoughts that go through a persons head while they’re having an attack. You will need to be as honest as you can.

I hope that the video will help to raise awareness of OCD in Russia, where it’s being filmed, and also help people struggling through this problem to speak out, through anonymity, so others may understand what these people have to deal with every single day.

If your interested, please contact me here:

Jun. 23rd, 2008


Therapist in Portland area?

Can anyone recommend a good therapist in the Portland, OR area? Preferably female, queer-friendly, hopefully sliding scale.

Jun. 21st, 2008


time for more drugs

The voices are back, trying to trick me this time by speaking in the first person. I'm disappointed. I had gone a couple of days without needing the thiothixene, and I was hoping this was evidence that the seroquel was going to do the trick.

I have been feeling guilty also for wrecking my motorcycle yesterday. I can't afford the fallout from it.

Jun. 6th, 2008


Checking Up

Hey! Just wondering how everybody's doing.

For some of us, June brings a lot of changes - summer/winter vacation, no more loneliness at school/uni, but perhaps more loneliness by ourselves at home, or our friends leave on vacation - or maybe for the people who work year-long there is no change except the weather. :(

But wondering how's everybody's coping. For myself, it's a big changing visiting family again in Asia after being in the US for college. Heh. Talk about culture and weather shock! Having to "conservatize" myself  for family is something I'm starting to regret more as I grow older.

*hugs to everybody!!!* 

May. 14th, 2008



I'm new. Never joined this type of comm. before.
Saw it mentioned on my f-list, thought I'd join. I've been having a really bad week. Everything's going wrong. I've been suffering from depression for around 6 years now. Just when it seems like I'm starting to feel ok with things, something comes and destroys it all.
I know what the underlying causes for this depression are though, but I also know that they'll never be truly solved. It really interferes with RL though, things like college. And if I get the grades I'll be going to University soon. I already should have been there this year, but I ended up repeating lower sixth year. (People in the UK will understand that bit)
I say I suffer from depression but I've never really been to a psych to diagnose it or anything. I really don't feel like going to see one. Talking face to face to people about my problems isn't something I enjoy doing. That's probably another reason I joined here. I have been seeing the school counsellor for a few months though, but that wasn't necessarily voluntary. It doesn't help that none of my friends live nearby any more. When you're sitting alone in a crowded classroom full of chatting people, and you stick out like a thumb, it really hits you how alone you really are. I think I'm going to have to get some professional help soon though because it's getting a lot worse. I feel sick all the time, not like I'm actually going to be sick, but just this churning in my stomach and this tightness in my chest and I hate it. I've also started cutting. It's something I told myself I;d never never do, but recently I've found myself having to wear long sleeve shirts to hide my arms from my mam. I wan to stop, but at the same time I dont. It's really confusing.
I'm going to stop now, this was just supposed to be a short introductory post, but it obviously got a little out of hand.

Apr. 6th, 2008



Not sure how to start, never posted in a support group like this before.

Feeling insecure and worried because of anxiety attacks and trying to avoid agoraphobia and gently trying to push out of long-worn detrimental patterns. Any ideas, sympathetic or just bouncing back and forth bitching about symptoms might help.

Thanks in advance and hope you all are holding orbit with your own problems.

Mar. 19th, 2008



Anyone here used lorazepam/Ativan? The doctor I saw today gave me five pills of it to try if I need to, just wondering about people's experiences with it.

Feb. 12th, 2008


Death Note RPG

Feb. 4th, 2008


Karen Armstrong's The Spiral Staircase

Has anybody here read this book? I had to read it for a religious studies class a year ago but I found a section really jarring. My professor asked us to write responses to two of the books we read; I chose to write one to this book. A single line made me very angry but also made me feel almost worthless.

I cried. )

I wonder if anybody else here had a similar reaction, or a different reaction if they read it, or know of other people's reactions to this book. I can imagine it'll be a useful tool if you want to study psychology/psychiatry and see what people's experiences can be like undergoing treatment, especially back in the 1970's, but I found the doctor's statement appalling.

Feb. 1st, 2008


Oregon Trail and depression

I'm unsure how Facebook is viewed by other members but I use it to keep in contact with former classmates and current ones. Facebook allows applications by third-party organizations so you do various things like play games or take quizzes or compare movie tastes.

One I just joined was the "Oregon Trail" application and one of the ailments that can affect your wagon members is depression. You get a notice saying "[Friend] is severely depressed." You click on the syringe to "heal" your friend and it says "6 vials of medicine is required to heal this person." I'm glad they decided to use the term "heal" instead of "cure" but even then I'm a little affronted all it takes to help someone retain "good health" in the game from "severe depression" is 6 vials of medicine. And it never pops up regularly for the same person but jumps around.

I'm aware I may be reading way too much into an application game that's not meant to be educational at all but I'm still a little unnerved they give such a wrong idea about depression (severe or otherwise) or even included it. No doubt people suffered from depression back then but I don't recall it being an ailment back when I played Oregon Trail as a kid. Blah.

On a funny note, a friend can "get lost" and thus have their health be affected. They can then "be recovered" if you rest. I like the double meaning.

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