A hard man is good to find.

Fic Rec - Tight Squeeze

Tue, 26 Feb 2013 05:44:44 GMT

This had me laughing so hard!

Title: Tight Squeeze
Author: AlbaLark
Rating: PG13
Characters: Hermione, Madame Pomfrey, Hagrid
Setting: Second Year, just after Hermione was petrified
Archived @: Archive Of Our Own
Summary: Overheard in the Hogwarts Infirmary

Fic Rec! Harry/Voldemort - "Roadkill"

Fri, 24 Aug 2012 04:53:27 GMT

Title: Roadkill
Author: Piper Julian
Archived @: Fanfiction.net
Summary: Voldemort avoided death as a spirit for 13 years. Strangely, he couldn't avoid a bus. One Shot.

Lady B's Observations: Do not be reading or drinking anything when you read this. I laughed for 5 minutes straight while I was eating M&M's and nearly choked. My stomach is pleasantly sore. ^_^

Darkest Midnight: The Archive

Sun, 13 May 2012 06:26:56 GMT

As most of you are aware, my fic archive, Darkestmidnight.com is no longer available due to financial issues. But all is not lost. I had been thinking about this since early last year and I *had* started the process, but just never got around to completing it due to time constraints.

Over the next few months, I will be recreating the archive on Wikidot.com. It's 100% free and gives me the freedom to do what I need. I can organize the fics I find into more accessible categories like Creature Fics and Bonding Fics, etc etc, so that you can easily find what you are looking for. I hope to have this project completed before the end of summer, but it all depends on what my real life is like.

As of now, you can find the archive here. Please read over the F.A.Q.s and News sections for any updates that may occur.

Thanks!

Free At Last Part 4

Fri, 24 Feb 2012 17:56:01 GMT

Free At Last - Part 3

Fri, 24 Feb 2012 17:45:18 GMT

Fic Rec: Rumor Has It (H/D)

Sun, 05 Feb 2012 14:09:34 GMT

Title: Rumor Has It
Author: HowDracoGotHisGrooveBack
Summary: There are a lot of strange rumours floating around about Potter and Malfoy. Rated T for swearing and excessive references to cherries.
Archived @: Fanfiction.net
Rating: T

My observations: You know how it works; Person A tells Person B a secret then Person B tells Person C only Person B gets the words mixed up and by the time the secret reaches Person Z, the whole story has changed. Yeah, this is one of those. And it's funny. :-)

Free At Last - part 2

Fri, 06 Jan 2012 02:50:47 GMT

Title: Free At Last
Author: Lady B
Characters: ---
Summary: Harry's had enough.
Rating: ---
Genre: Pre-6th Year AU
Warnings: Language
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and plots from the Harry Potterverse belong to JK Rowling and various publishing companies and movie studios. I am not making any money from this. I am simply doing this for the fun of it. Any plot devices and original characters belong to me alone and are simply a figment of my imagination.

- - -

One Year Later...

At first, the high crumbling walls guarding a seemingly old castle located on the outskirts of the city of Great Barrington looked like any other rundown building...but if one knew where to look, the view behind the walls was much better than the view from the street.

Stepping through the rusted gate, first timers eyes would simply light up in delight at the beautiful castle surrounded on all four sides by massive green lawns and sprawling with trees in each direction. The sign prominently displayed near the no-longer rusted gate told visitors able to see and use magic that they were now on the grounds of the Berkshires National Magic Academy of Greater Massachusetts. Glancing around, students of all shapes, sizes, nationalities and modes of dress wandered the grounds or sat beneath trees with friends, discussing their day, working on their homework or relaxing. A slight breeze ruffled hair and clothing but the temperatures were warm and inviting.

One such student sat upon the steps in front of the main entrance, glancing in the book upon his lap with a single-minded concentration, a wand clutched tightly in his left hand as he practiced. If one were to watch closely, they would begin to see streams of red, gold, silver and blue lights oozing from the tip of the wand as he slowly rotated his arm in a counter-clockwise direction. He glanced up to check his progress, his bright green eyes sparkling with delight as he realized his practicing had been successful.

"Hey, brainiac! I see you managed to do the Effluere Lemniscus* charm." some called out to him. The young man looked up at that and smiled, seeing his friend coming toward him.

"Yeah. I had a mishap in the dorm so came outside to practice." the young man laughed.

"Do I want to know?"

"Um...your comforter is no longer yellow?" was the chuckled reply. His companion groaned.

"What color is it now?"

"A cross between a puke green and a blood orange."

"I'll have to check it out when I go in." the other shrugged.

"I could probably change it back, Decon."

"Ah, no worries, Henry. I never liked that yellow anyway so anything you do to it will be an improvement." A chime sounded, echoing across the grounds. Decon and Henry both stood, heading inside. Decon headed for the Eating Hall while Henry headed for the dorms to drop off his books before joining his friends for lunch.

- - -

Now it was a well-known fact that the day after his flight from Hogwarts that Harry Potter was headed for California. Albus had taken steps to ensure that his people would be the one to meet the boy when he stepped from the plane, convinced that Harry could be persuaded to return to Scotland to fulfill his role in the war. But what was not known was that a storm had forced the plane carrying Harry Potter to make an emergency stop in Pennsylvania. Going on gut instinct, Harry had decided to get off the plane there and stay for a bit. He purchased a bus ticket under the name of 'Henry John Blackstone' that was headed for Salem, Massachusetts. Once there, he headed for the magical part of the city, happy to have found a local branch of Gringotts Bank that was run by a friendlier and more discrete set of goblins than the ones back home. While there, he learned that the United States had very strict confidentiality laws and that no one would know who he really was unless he told them himself. Secure in that knowledge, he paid a small fee to have his family's money moved to the United States banks and to have all the necessary paperwork drawn up in his new name, including his school and medical transcripts. The goblins reassured him before he left that no one would be getting any information about his whereabouts and his name change without his express permission. With a list of local schools in his hands and feeling better than he had in years, Harry stepped from the doors of the bank, secure in the knowledge that his future was going to be a brighter one than he'd ever thought it would be.

- - -

Meanwhile...back in Britain...the goblins at Gringotts were in a panic. Several high security vaults had disappeared during the night and it was as if the knowledge had been wiped from the minds of those who knew what those vaults contained and who they had belonged to. Searching their files, they also discovered that the paperwork associated with the vaults had vanished as well. Ragnarok, the senior manager, was very worried about this breach in security and ordered an immediate accounting of all remaining vaults.

It was into this chaos that Albus appeared with Harry's vault key. He needed to take out more money for Order business. Ignoring the frantically rushing goblins, he stepped up to a booth and placed the key on the counter. "I wish to make a withdrawal from this vault please." He announced. The goblin stared at the key for a moment before he snarled at Albus. Surprised, Albus stepped back a foot. "Is there a problem?"

"Where did you get this key?" the goblin demanded, quickly slapping a hand over the key on the counter so Albus had no way of taking it back.

"It was entrusted to me by the parents of one of my students." Albus stated. The goblin grunted and turned to speak to another goblin who had been standing behind him. That goblin's eyes widened in shock before he ran off to track down the senior manager. It was but a moment later that he returned with Ragnarok in attendance. The booth goblin stepped away, passing the key to his boss with a nod.

"Headmaster Dumbledore, were you aware of the fact that this key is fraudulent?" the bank's manager asked with a scowl. Startled, Albus sputtered.

"That can't be! I've been using this key for the last 15 years!"

"Well I do not know who's vault you have been taking money from but I assure you, sir, this key doesn't belong to any vault we currently house."

"What? But, that's the Potter family vault key! James Potter set it up for his son's Hogwarts schooling!"

"Sir, there is no Potter vault. Now I will not ask but this once. Who's key is this?"

"That key belongs to Lord Harry James Potter, Last Heir of The Most Ancient and Nobel House of Potter." Albus stated.

"And I say once more...we have no vaults attached to the name 'Potter' within this bank." Ragnarok scowled. He pressed a button beneath the counter that Albus was not aware of and a moment later, several Aurors had surrounded the headmaster, wands drawn.

"Sir, you're going to have to come with us." one of them stated.

"May I ask why?" Albus demanded.

"For suspicion of committing fraud and identity theft."

"I see." Albus stated, trying to think of a way to get out of this so he could investigate what had happened. One of the Aurors, who was an empath, sensed the direction of his thoughts and quickly stunned him. When asked why she did it, she told her commanding officer that no one, not even the great Albus Dumbledore, was held above the law. She received a commendation for her quick thinking...

- - -

*Effluere Lemniscus - Ribbon of Light

Truest Christmas Wish - I rec this every Christmas season

Sat, 03 Dec 2011 22:26:55 GMT

It's that time of year where I rec the one Snarry Christmas fic that always makes me cry. I've rec'd this one every year since I've read it (4 years now).

Title: The Truest Christmas Wish
Author: Constant Vigilance
Pairing: Snarry
Summary: A rewrite of a traditional Christmas story, Harry Potter style.

Free At Last

Sun, 20 Nov 2011 03:41:28 GMT

Title: Free At Last
Author: Lady B
Summary: He's done. The Wizarding World can go hang themselves for all he cares. And woe be the one who tries to drag him back.
Characters/Pairings: TBD
Rating: Starts at PG13 but may go up.
Timeline: Takes place a few weeks after the DoM battle. 6th year fic.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Some rich, blonde, English woman does. I'm just playing in her backyard.
Author's Note: This was a plot bunny submitted to the Plot Bunnies Yahoo Group. I thought I'd give it a go. Please tell me if you think I should continue it. This is the first thing I've attempted to write in nearly 7 months.

- - -

Dear Wizarding World,

In the last couple weeks since my godfather was killed in the Department of Mysteries when Voldemort revealed himself, I've seen call after call for me to do something about Voldemort. This nonsense about "Why isn't the Chosen One doing anything about these attacks?" is the last straw. There was a prophecy that indirectly had something to do with me, but that prophecy was fulfilled fifteen years ago. My job is done, as Voldemort was defeated when I was a baby.
For that matter, why should I do anything at all? The Ministry wants me to endorse them, and forget all about how they persecuted me for the last year. They are like "Yes, the Dark Lord was back after all, now would you please tell them we are doing a good job?" This is the same ministry that sent two Dementors to have me kissed, then rigged a trial in front of a full court for using magic in front of muggles to defend myself. Let me remind you idiots, that the muggle I did magic in front of was my own cousin, the only offspring of my mother's, Lily Evans Potter's, sister! And to top it off, they allowed a Ministry employee to teach Defense Against The Dark Arts for nearly a full year when I know for certain that this...woman (and I use that term loosely as she puts in my mind the image of a ghastly wart-covered toad dyed pink), does not have any experience in Dark Arts, defense of it or a teacher's certificate of any sort. She was simply put there by your corrupt ministry to "put me in my place". I mean really? A Blood Quill? When I've survived numerous rounds of The Cruciatus curse at Voldemort's own hand? Pah-lease!

Is the mastermind behind all this in Azkaban? No, she was released from St. Mungos and is now back in a position of power in the Ministry. I'm vilified for daring to call her on her behavior, yet every little thing I do gets vilified and I'm asked to prove my intentions otherwise with threats of snapping my wand. The Ministry had no problem with her trying to force me to drink Veritaserum so they can go on a fishing expedition to find something to charge me with so they can ship me to Azkaban, but they absolutely refuse to question her about her activities under the same drug. Nor will they question the marked Death Eaters in that very same Ministry, such as Yaxley or McNair.

This is not a government I can support.

Then there was the slander campaign that was allowed to be launched against me for an entire year. Why should I risk myself to save a society and government that is willing to go to such extremes against a 15 year old boy, but when a real threat like Voldemort and his Death Eaters shows up, is too scared to take any action against them? It seems that Voldemort's faction already controls the Ministry, and given my past history with them, I have no doubt that if I were to somehow kill him today, by tomorrow I'd be tossed in Azkaban for his murder.

So, I say to you, leave me out of this war, you've done your best over the last year to make me feel unwelcome and unwanted, calling me an attention seeking liar and lots of other nasty things, and criticizing how wrong I was for every event that has happened to me. So, solve your own Dark Lord problem. I'm done with your society. I have no desire to live in such a world, especially since I know the minute you no longer need me to take out Voldemort, you'll turn on me like you did last year.

I've been repeatedly told by the adults I should have left it to them after my various adventures, so this time I'm going to do just that. I'm leaving the Dark Lord problem to the adults and going to try to be a normal teenager. All my attempts to fight for what is right have gotten me nothing but more grief, getting myself yelled at, endangering my friends and loved ones, and then being locked up and kept in the dark. I'm done fighting, it's your turn to save yourselves. If you don't like that, you should have done something a year ago when I was still willing to help, instead of permitting that slander campaign and going along with it while sending all that hate mail.

I'm leaving this god forsaken country that has given me nothing but grief.

Sincerely,
Harry Potter
The-Boy-Who-Left-The-Abuse-Behind

P.S. I have no doubt the Ministry will now find some trumped-up crime for me to be accused of so they can try to demand extradition, if they even bother with that rather than just invading whatever country I decide to visit and kidnapping me away. Know that if I'm forced back for whatever reason, I'm more likely to attack the government officials who ordered my kidnapping than I am likely to off Voldemort.

P.S.S. "The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches. … Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies … and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not … and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives. … The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies…" Have a nice life. I know I will. Suckers!

P.S.S.S. Did you know that "I Am Lord Voldemort" is an anagram for "Tom Marvolo Riddle"? That's Voldemort's real name, one that he has hated all his life since his muggle father, Tom Riddle Sr. left his witch-born mother, Merope Gaunt when he found out what she was. Look it up if you don't believe me, Merlin knows no one ever does. It's public knowledge.

- - -

This letter had taken up the whole front page of various wizarding newspapers across the globe, including both The Quibbler and The Daily Prophet. The outcry was enormous. Many calls to Hogwarts only provided more questions than answers as no one had taken notice that Harry had quietly left the castle shortly before dawn that very morning, leaving behind his school robes and letters for various friends and teachers.

He was on a plane headed for California by the time Albus Dumbledore followed by an angry Severus Snape and his own head of house stormed into the sixth year Gryffindor dorms to stop Harry from leaving, only to realize he was already gone. Severus, having the satisfaction of making Ron wet his pants in fright when the boy had seen the evil Potions Master standing over his bed when he opened his eyes, demanded to know where Potter was, threatening to use Veritaserum on the trembling redhead when Ron stammered that he didn't know where Harry had gone. Neville had simply fainted when Severus turned his obsidian gaze his direction, making Severus roll his eyes in annoyance. Minerva scowled at him for frightening her lions. Albus simply snatched up the letters left on Harry's bed and stormed back to his office, hoping one would give him a clue as to where Harry might have gone.

He opened the first letter, addressed to Ron, and was hit by a hex that caused the words "Thief" and "Liar" to blink in neon colors across his forehead. No matter what he tried, he could not remove the hex. He had sent for both Severus and Poppy, neither one knowing how to despell the headmaster. If Albus had been looking at the letter he had opened, he would have seen the following words: "See what happens when you go and stick your lemon sherbert sucking arse into other people's business? - HP"

- - - -

In the darkest part of an old decrepit manor house, another was angry at the letter on the front page of The Prophet that an unfortunate soul had thought to bring him. His cry of rage as he reached the bottom of the letter, scared even the strongest of his Death Eaters and each one within hearing range quickly and quietly apparated out before they were called to suffer their Master's punishment. "Harry Potter must die!" he hissed, kicking the smoldering pile that once housed a human being.

A Walk On The Wild Side - Chapter 2 (Original)

Sat, 08 Oct 2011 03:23:28 GMT

Title: A Walk on the Wild Side
Author: Lady Belz aka Lady Bahiya
Characters: All Original
Summary: Ebony and Ivory. Against all odds, two of the most opposite people ever born come together in that age old dance of love.
Genre: Interracial Romance
Rating: Mature
Disclaimer: All characters and plots are originally my own and [hopefully] do not resemble anything ever written past or present.

- - -

Chapter 2

Exactly four days later, the two men stepped off of a plane into bright, warm sunshine, green, lush palm trees, gorgeous blue ocean water...and scantily clad women every time they turned their heads. Lennox eyed them over the top of his sunglasses, a quiet wolf-whistle easing past his lips. Marcus was doing some staring of his own.

"Why are we living in Florida again?" Lennox asked his friend. Marcus, who had been staring a leggy brunette across the terminal, shook his head.

"Don't know, bro." Marcus mumbled absently. The leggy brunette turned in their direction and smiled. She casually strolled their direction and Marcus couldn't help but stare. She was wearing a simple tube dress, a generous amount of cleavage on display to his sex-starved gaze. Her feet were encased in simple white gladiator sandals, showing off her pedicure. The two men were stunned when she stopped directly before them, removing her sunglasses. Bright green eyes stared back at them. Marcus gulped and willed himself to calm down before he made a fool of himself. He casually crossed his arms in front of himself, hiding his erection behind his jacket.

"Marcus Winters? Lennox Jenkins?" she queried, her voice giving Marcus images of smooth satin sheets and melted chocolate.

"That's us." Lennox answered, catching Marcus's movements from the corner of his eye. It made him want to laugh.

"I'm Melinda Chazzman, Mykala's personal assistant. She passes her apologies for not meeting you here herself, but she's dealing with a problem at the hotel. She asked me to make sure you get settled before taking you there." she explained. She eyed the two bags they carried. "Do you have any other luggage you need to collect?"

"We're good to go." Marcus finally found his voice, wincing mentally at how husky it sounded. She nodded and indicated they should follow her as she turned to walk away. Marcus wanted to groan out loud. The view from the back was just as hot and his eyes remained glued to her ass. Lennox took that moment to elbow him hard and Marcus glared at him.

"You stare any harder and her clothes are going to catch on fire." Lennox smirked.

"Shut up!" Marcus hissed, embarrassed. He had never been affected by a woman as much as Melinda affected him and it confused him.

- - -

They were soon driving through town in a well-used Jeep, the warm tropical air caressing their skin and mussing their hair.

"How long have you worked for Mykala?" Marcus shouted to be heard over the wind and the roar of the engine.

"Since she opened her first hotel, so about 6 years now." Melinda answered as she expertly navigated the busy streets. "Mykala wants you settled first before I take you there."

"Where are we staying anyway?" Lennox asked just as she pulled up to a gated driveway. She punched in a code on the keypad stand and the gate swung open. She drove through and stopped, waiting for the gate to close before continuing up the drive. As they rounded a stand of trees, Lennox whistled appreciatively as the two-story ranch-style beach house came into view. Melinda turned off the engine and climbed out.

"Mykala was specific about you staying in her house while you're here. She said it would be more comfortable for you."

"Does she have room?" Marcus worried. She graced him with another smile that made his heart do a funny dance in his chest.

"She wouldn't have offered if she didn't." Melinda said, leading them inside. The inside was just as impressive as the outside. He glanced out the patio doors that lead out to a swimming pool that drew water from the ocean itself. There was also a smaller beach house nearby.

"Anyone using the bungalow in the back?" he asked, thinking he would have loved to been that close to the ocean, especially at night.

"Yes. I do." Melinda answered. Marcus nearly tripped over his feet at that proclamation. Having the woman within easy reach was effecting is libido. He decided it would be safer to walk behind Lennox as she lead them up to the second floor. As they wandered the upstairs hall, Marcus happened to glance in the first room they came across, recognizing his sister's touch anywhere.

Continuing down the hall, Melinda led them to two other rooms, directly across from each other. Lennox took the room on the left side of the hall.

Marcus took the room on the right side of the hall.

Melinda stood in the hallway between them as they checked out their accommodations. "I'll leave the two of you to get settled. We'll head up to the hotel in about an hour."

"Thank you, Ms Chazzman." Lennox said, stepping into the hall. She smiled at him.

"Please, call me Mel." she allowed.

"Thank you, Mel." Marcus gave her a tentative smile. She gave him a smile back before heading downstairs and out to her bungalow. Lennox watched as Marcus ran to the window in his room to see Melinda enter the bungalow on the beach.

"I guarantee you'll be on her like white on rice before the end of the week." Lennox stated, leaning against the door with his arms crossed. Marcus flipped him off before moving to unpack his bag.

A Walk on the Wild Side - Chapter 1 (original)

Sat, 08 Oct 2011 03:16:26 GMT

In an effort to try and jump start my muse, I'm trying to see how far I can go with something original. This story came to me a few nights ago after reading several interracial romance novels in a row.

Title: A Walk on the Wild Side
Author: Lady Belz aka Lady Bahiya
Characters: All Original
Summary: Ebony and Ivory. Against all odds, two of the most opposite people ever born come together in that age old dance of love.
Genre: Interracial Romance
Rating: Mature
Disclaimer: All characters and plots are originally my own and [hopefully] do not resemble anything ever written past or present.

- - -

Chapter 1

Mykala was in her office, going over some numbers when her phone rang once. She absently picked up the receiver, cradling it between ear and shoulder.

"Yes?"

"Your brother is on line 2." came her assistance voice.

"Thank you." she smiled as she quickly switched lines. "Marcus." she greeted, happy to have the chance to speak to her brother.

"Hey sis!" came his voice clearly as if he wasn't thousands of miles away in Florida. "Got your message. What's up?"

"Can't a sister just want to say 'hi'?" she laughed, charmed by his exuberance.

His amusement clearly broadcast over the phone. "Not when it comes to you, now spill it."

She sighed and turned her chair until she faced the window – and the gorgeous ocean view it afforded. "I want to hire you." she stated, never one to beat around the bush. There was a pregnant pause and she almost thought she'd lost the connection when he finally spoke.

"Hire me for what?"

"I want to overhaul the security system here and I want your firm to do it." she explained...

- - -

...Thousands of miles away, Lennox Jenkins watched as his partner's mouth fell open, shock clearly written all over his face. He wondered what was said to make the man so abnormally speechless. As Marcus regained his senses, Lennox went back to his own work, listening to Marc's half of the conversation with one ear.

"-you sure? This is a very big deal to me!" Marcus stated, scrambling for a pad and pen on his cluttered desk. He began scribbling notes. "Uh-huh...yeah...the whole thing?...Right....Training?...Mm-hmm...How soon?...That's soon...No, no we can do it...Uh-huh...When do you-?...Yeah...No problem...It won't be cheap, I hope you know th-...ha-ha...Yeah...First chance...I'll call...Okay...I love you too. Bye!" Lennox arched an eyebrow at that declaration as Marcus hung up the phone. He turned to stare at Lennox, a huge grin plastered all over his face.

"Going to tell me why you have a shit-eating grin on your face?" he wondered.

"Partner, we just struck gold." Marcus grinned. Intrigued, Lennox leaned back in his chair.

"Does this have something to do with this mysterious twin sister you've yet to introduce me to?" he smirked. Marcus's chocolate brown eyes danced with amusement.

"I keep inviting you to my mother's for dinner when my sister is home visiting, but you keep passing on it." Marcus laughed. "But yes it does. What do you know of Wild Island Resorts?"

"Hottest chain of resorts this side of the Pacific. Sold out year-round." Lennox stated. He had remembered that information from a brochure he had grabbed when he had last gone to see his travel agent when Barbie? Bambi? Brenda? Had wanted a weekend getaway. He had changed his mind when he caught the leggy blonde model swapping various body fluids with the pool man when Lennox had arrived home early from work. That had been one disastrous relationship too many for him and he swore off women after that. His eyes widened as he looked at his friend. "Mykala Winters? She's your sister?" Marcus nodded at his question. Lennox's mind went to the picture he had seen on the resort's website: dark short hair, Café au lait skin and deep hazel eyes. He had been captivated.

"She wants to upgrade the security system at the main resort. The works." Lennox felt his jaw drop. This was a hugely expensive job and would be the kick in the ass MarLex Securities needed.

"Are you fucking serious?"

"No joke. She wants us to fly down for the week, see what needs to be done. You free this weekend or you going to be wrapped around some other leggy blonde bimbo?"

"Hell yes!" Lennox exclaimed. And if he wasn't, he'd make sure he was. He wanted to meet the mysterious, exotic, alluring Mykala Jenkins...

Angel's Curse [HP v CA]

Mon, 16 May 2011 07:03:55 GMT

Title: Angel's Curse
Author: Lady B
Summary: It was an unwritten rule not to reveal the magical world to the muggle world. Someone has broken that rule and pays the consequences.
Characters: Harry Potter vs Criss Angel
Rating: PG13
Author Note: Someone, can't remember who it was, posted this as a status on their Facebook: "Dear Criss Angel, You're blowing our cover in front of the muggles. Sincerely, Harry Potter"
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and plots from the Harry Potterverse belong to JK Rowling and various publishing companies and movie studios. Criss Angel belongs to himself. I am not making any money from this. I am simply doing this for the fun of it. Any plot devices and original characters belong to me alone and are simply a figment of my imagination.

As the so-called magician Criss Angel performed some slight of hand trick, he was unaware of the wand pointed directly at him from the shadows of the balcony above. The technicians off-stage waited for their cue to fire off the laser show at the end of the trick. Criss tapped the side of his wrist twice, the signal for the techs to launch the lights. A rainbow of colors surrounded Criss and a particularly bright green struck him dead center of his chest. Criss collapsed to the ground and at first the audience thought it was part of the trick. When he did not move for another ten minutes, someone was sent to check on him. When the paramedics were brought in, then and only then did panic reign supreme. As people scrambled toward the stage, no one noticed the dark haired, green-eyed man as he made his way out of the building, nor did they notice the small slip of paper that had fallen from Criss pocket that he had shoved there seconds before he was scheduled to be on stage...

"Dear Criss Angel, You're blowing our cover in front of the muggles. Sincerely, Harry Potter"

The note was never discovered as it had been swept away by the cleaning staff.

The end.

BBTP Challenge Fic It Only Seems Kinky The First Time (RL/HrG)

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 15:49:17 GMT

Title: It Only Seems Kinky The First Time
Author: Lady B
Characters: Hermione Granger-Weasley, Remus Lupin
Rating: This definitely falls under the NC17 rating.
Word Count: 3000+ words...Derek (my bitchy gay muse) stole the story away from me.
Genre: AU where Tonks & Snape died, Remus lived, and Hermione & Ron are divorced.
Warnings: Violence, nearly non-con, slight bestiality (blink and you'll miss it), slight D/s, anal sex, het sex, oral sex, language and lots and lots of smut. And a small plotty thing near the end.
Written for: Insanejournal's Bringing Back The Porn Challenge 2010
Summary: There was a reason why Severus Snape was the only one who could successfully brew the Wolfsbane potion...
Dislaimer: Characters are the property of JK Rowling, et al.
Author's Note: Holy Fuck! I wrote het! And dirty het at that!

- - -

...Stir counterclockwise for 6 strokes with a pure glass pipette until a puff of blue smoke erupts from the liquid...

Hermione watched the cauldron carefully and smiled when a puff of dark blue smoke bubbled up from the liquid. She quickly turned down the flame and moved the cauldron to a cooling rack before spooning up a dose into a steel flask. She waved her wand to clean up her lab and headed up the stairs. If she hadn't been in such a hurry to finish, she would have noticed the footnote at the bottom of Snape's notes.

...WARNING: If the smoke is a dark midnight blue, instead of light sky blue, it is the result of a contaminated pipette and will turn the Wolfsbane potion into an obscure, but legal Aphrodisiac potion. In which case, the doser would be wise to remove themselves, be ye male or female from the dosee's sight as quickly as possible or be subjected to all manner of sexual appetites...

- - -

Hermione made it to Remus's home in record time and knocked lightly on the door. Remus opened the door himself, looking tired. He smiled when he saw Hermione.

"Hello, Hermione."

"Remus. I have your potion."

"Come in, then. I was about to floo you." He stepped aside to let her enter. He led the way to his room where he made himself comfortable on his bed.

"Where's Teddy?"

"I sent him to Harry and Ginny's for the weekend. They were glad to take him, something about Jamie having a camping party in the backyard."

"Oh yes, Ron told me about that. He took Rose and Hugo there for the weekend."

"Why?" Remus wondered.

"Well it was my weekend to have them, as per our separation agreement, but I told Ron I wanted to stay here with you this weekend to monitor my having brewed Wolfsbane for the first time. I just want to make sure there are no side-effects. And there's the added bonus he gets to spend a few extra days with them."

"Makes sense." Remus nodded. Hermione removed the flask from her bag and handed it to him. He gulped it down in four swallows and handed it back to her, making a face.

"The taste still hasn't improved." he chuckled, smacking his lips in disgust. He yawned a moment later.

"Get some rest, Remus. I'll be here when you need me." she told him. He nodded and closed his eyes. She moved to the divan under the window and pulled out some research notes she'd been working on.

- - -

The moon was high when Remus felt the change...but this one felt different from all his other transformations. For one, there was no pain associated with it. Two, he didn't change shape, he remained a human. Three, he retained his lycan powers and his human intellect. For the first time in his life, he felt totally in control. He got to his feet, surprised to feel no lethargy in his limbs and went to the open window. He took a deep, cleansing breath and let it out slowly, before inhaling once more...and caught the scent of a female in heat. His arousal was swift, desire seeping through him like melted butter. He turned, slowly, tracking that delicious scent until he was facing his room once more.

Sometime during the night, Hermione must have changed out of her clothes, she was sound asleep on his divan, dressed in only a thin, silk bathrobe, and something beneath it that couldn't even be called fabric, it was so thin. She had fallen asleep working on some research, her right arm draped off the side, papers and pens scattered beneath her on the floor. She had shifted in her sleep, causing the robe to hike up her legs, barely covering her nether regions and exposing her breasts to his hungry gaze. As if they sensed they were being stared at, her nipples hardened beneath the scrap of fabric and he felt saliva pooling in his mouth.

Getting on all fours, he crawled toward her, stalking his prey. He paused, fully alert, when she shifted in her sleep, the robe falling off one creamy shoulder, the fabric covering her lower half moving up even more. He could see the thin brush of hair between her legs and felt his cock straining against his y-fronts.

//Take her!// he felt the wolf rage in his mind.

"No!" he hissed, even as he stalked closer.

//You know you want to! Do it!//

"I refuse!" some part of him that wasn't riddled with lust, replied back.

//Always knew you were a chicken-shite, Lupin!// the wolf growled, taunting him. The closer he got to Hermione, the more his resistance crumbled. When he was close enough to touch her leg and caught her scent a second time, he was lost.

Not caring how she would react, he forcefully pushed her legs as far apart as they would go, and dove right in, shoving his slightly-elongated tongue so far into her vagina, he thought he could feel her heartbeat. And oh did she taste divine!

- - -

Hermione was in the middle of a nice dream about some faceless man when she awakened from a sound sleep by someone shoving her legs apart. She yelped when she felt a moist tongue in between her legs and her eyes shot open. She glanced down and saw sandy brown hair and she cried out in shock.

"Remus! What the hell are you doing?" She screeched, trying to get away from him. He had a grip on her thighs and was holding her open with no effort at all, slurping away. She grabbed her papers and started hitting him over the head. He merely growled deep in his throat and continued what he was doing. She screamed and began yanking at his hair, clawing his face and back, anything to get him off her. He crawled between her legs and grabbed her arms at the wrist to pin them over her head. She struggled harder, trying to get her legs beneath him to kick him. But his werewolf strength was more than a match for her. He ground his still-covered erection against her moist heat and she moaned, whether in fright or desire, she didn't want to admit.

And then he kissed her...

Oh god! She moaned as his tongue forcefully moved into her mouth. He tasted of the earth and moonlight and something darker and she found her resistance crumbling. She struggled all the harder and he pulled back with a smirk.

"I'm going to own you!" he growled, trailing lips across her cheek and down her neck. That growl touched something deep inside her and some instinct made her bare her neck to his hungry gaze. He immediately latched on to that patch of skin with his teeth, marking her as his, but careful not to break the skin. She cried out in shock and desire.

"Remus!" He growled again, pushing himself into a half-kneeling/sitting position that kept his cock pressed against her. He violently ripped off her robe and her nightie and clamped his teeth around one of her nipples, taking the other one between two fingers and pinching them hard. Her shout was louder this time and she arched her back, pushing her breasts deeper into his mouth and hand.

He pulled off with a pop, leaving her panting with desire and he watched her eyes dilate to near black as he ripped off his pants, exposing his cock. Without any warning, he shoved his cock deep into her wetness and Hermione nearly ripped a pillow in half at the sensations that caused.

It was purely animalistic fucking that followed. He pounded into her moist heat like a man possessed, holding her legs open effortlessly. And she could do nothing but hang on for the ride and enjoy it. And his cock was huge! She could feel every vein, every ridge inside her body, felt the bulbous head reaching deep inside her on every upstroke. Her whole body trembled with the force of it.

Still pounding into her, he released one of her legs and grabbed her hand, pulling it down to her clit.

"Touch yourself!" he demanded. She hesitated for a moment, slightly embarrassed at the thought of him watching. His eyes narrowed and he growled. And showing great restraint, he stopped moving completely, his cock still deep inside her. He leaned over until he was breathing deeply next to her ear.

"Touch yourself, Hermione. I want to watch you fuck yourself while I'm balls-deep inside your pussy!" he ordered. Hermione gulped and slowly began to play with herself. She ran her index finger over her dewy folds, biting her lip to keep from moaning aloud at the contact.

"Mmm that's it. Play with that pussy!" Remus moaned, beginning to fuck her slowly once more. He ground himself against her fingers, pushing them harder into that little nub of flesh that always made her see stars and couldn't help the moan that escaped her lips.

"You look so hot like that, my dick smeared in your juices!"

"God, Remus!" she cried out at a particularly hard thrust. Her fingers were moving faster as he sped up his strokes.

She could feel her orgasm approaching, a tight ball of heat deep in her gut. She didn't realize she had begun chanting out loud "Harder! Faster!" over and over again.

And then she was there! Her body tensed up as Remus quickly pulled out of her body and dived between her legs, flicking his tongue over her clit and sucking hard. She screamed so loud as she climaxed, the mirror over the fireplace cracked. Remus fucked her with his tongue and fingers, not letting her come down from the first orgasm as a second one ripped through her less than five seconds later. She opened her mouth to wail and nearly choked when Remus shoved his cock into her mouth while still licking between her legs. She could taste herself on him and that only enhanced her desire. She sucked him hard, flicking her tongue over him, pulling his balls into her mouth hungrily. She could feel him attacking her between her legs, barely feeling it when he slid two fingers into her anus at the same time. She tensed in shock, never having experienced anal sex before in her life.

Remus felt her tense up around his fingers and shoved his face into her vagina to take her mind off what he was doing. She gradually began to relax and he began moving his fingers, stretching her gradually, preparing her for what was to come. He moaned into her moist heat and she lightly scraped her teeth over his cock and balls. The vibrations from his moaned caused her to arch up into his mouth, taking his fingers deeper into her anus.

He slowly pulled himself from her mouth, shuddering with barely concealed restraint and turned so he was facing her again.

"On your knees, love." he whispered. She obeyed immediately and he let out a slight whimper as he stared at the place where he'd soon be shoving his cock. He couldn't help it, he leaned down and shoved his tongue in. She yelped in shock before she practically melted into the bed, shoving her behind into his face. She could hear him slurping at her backside like a thirsty man craving water. She whimpered, she moaned, and she shamelessly begged Remus to fuck her, but all her requests were ignored as he practically fucked her with his tongue. He took his cock into his hand, stroking himself back to full hardness.

When she thought she couldn't take anymore, she felt him move up behind her and took a deep breath. Once she did this, there was no going back – for either of them.

His cock nudged her virgin entrance and she resisted the urge to tighten up. And then she felt it, the head of his cock slowly pushing its way into her arse. She squeezed her eyes shut against the burning pain. She must have made a sound of distress, for Remus placed a hand on her back and began to gently rub up and down.

"Breathe through the pain, Hermione." he whispered gently. She was amazed at how gentle his voice sounded and she concentrated on that. Finally the head popped through the tight ring of muscle and they both let out a sigh of relief. He continued to rub her back, whispering words of comfort as she adjusted to the sensations. Leaving the head of his cock resting where it was for the moment, he reached between their bodies and began to finger her clit, pleased she was still wet for him. A shudder rocked her body and she cried out. Reaching further, he pushed three fingers into her vagina, resuming his earlier treatment.

"God! Remus!" she moaned, rocking into his hand. The faster he fucked her with his fingers, the harder she rocked into his hand, slowly drawing his cock into her arse. She was surprised when she felt his balls resting against her buttocks and she stopped moving all-together. She had never felt so full! And it seemed like he was still growing!

Remus felt his wolf coming to the front and his cock growing larger inside its new nesting place and he leered. He grabbed a fistful of her hair with one hand, used his other hand to hold her hip and slowly pulled out before pushing back in. The divan rocked with him, making Hermione groan in pleasure.

"Who do you belong to?" he growled as his hips pumped into the willing body beneath him.

"You!" she hissed with need.

"Are you my bitch?" he demanded, his wolf dominating his every thought.

"Yes!" she growled as he sped up his strokes.

"Say it!" he ordered.

"I'm your fucking bitch!" she growled.

"Yes!" he howled, pushing faster and harder into his mate.

//Mine!// his wolf growled deep within his mind.

//Ours!// Remus growled in return. The wolf settled, content with his admission.

Hermione could feel her third orgasm of the night welling up within her once again and with a strength she didn't know she possessed, she pushed herself up until she was resting on her knees, feeling Remus's cock moving deeper than ever at that angle.

"Fuck! Hermione!" Remus cried out. She got a sense of female pride at making him lose control for once. She managed to wrap an arm around his neck and pulled him down for a kiss as he fucked her.

Remus felt his own orgasm coming on like an out-of-control freight train and he went with it, howling with pleasure as he came. He was dimly aware of Hermione crying out her own orgasm, her arse muscles clenching around his cock and milking him dry. They trembled against one another, drenched in sweat, hearts threatening to beat right out of their chest. The only thing keeping Hermione collapsing to the bed was Remus's arm around her waist.

"Merlin!" he chuckled, his chest rumbling against her back. She let out a weak chuckle of her own.

"I take it that's never happened before?" she asked. He shook his head. "I'll look into it." She started to move away from him and he growled low in his throat. "Maybe later." She grinned, not really wanting to move either. She still felt him deep within her and she clenched around him, making him whimper. If he had been looking at her face right then, he might have been worried about the evil glint in her eyes. Then she thought no more of it as Remus began thrusting against her again.

- - -

The sun stabbing her in the eyes was what woke her late the next afternoon. She tried to move to see where Remus was and felt the stabbing pains all over her body.

"Don't move yet, love. I really did a number on you. I'm sorry." Remus stated from somewhere over her shoulder. She felt hands on her shoulders gently turning her upright and she hissed in pain. A vial was placed against her lips and she drank it down. The pain reliever worked its wonders and she slowly opened her eyes. In the afternoon light, as she stared at the man who so thoroughly claimed her the night before, she couldn't help but realize that he was beautiful in a rugged sort of way.

"How are you feeling?" she asked. He laughed in surprise.

"I should be asking you that question?" Remus replied. His gaze moved to her neck and he gently reached over to skim his fingers across the teethmarks he left. "I didn't mean to leave my claiming mark on you." He whispered when she trembled.

"Remus. Look at me." Hermione stated. He looked up at her warily. She reached up to touch his cheek. "I wanted to be claimed by you." He moved away from her touch in shock.

"What? What about Ron?"

"Ron knew how I felt about you. It was part of the reason our marriage didn't work out. But we stayed together as long as we did for the happiness of our children. Once they were old enough to understand and accept it, Ron and I broke it off. So you see, I'm right where I want to be." she smiled at him.

Remus gaped at her in shock. He never thought it was possible he'd find love again after his beloved Tonks died. But as he stared at Hermione, hair-mussed, sleep-rumpled, and looking thoroughly shagged, he realized that although he loved Tonks, he wasn't as in love with her as he was with Hermione.

"You're stuck with me, you know." he told her, pushing her back onto the bed and covering her body with his own. She wrapped her arms around his neck.

"I'd rather be happily stuck with you, then miserably stuck without you." she smiled, nuzzling his cheek. They lay together, content with each other for the moment. Then she whispered into his ear.

"Is the wolf asleep?"

"Mm-hm." he nodded as he suckled her neck.

"Then make love to me as your woman, Remus." Hermione demanded. Remus looked at her and smirked, feeling his cock harden with desire.

"My pleasure, love." he replied, swooping in for a kiss...

~ Fin...but is it ever?

AWDT Drabble: The Jackalope and The Slytherins (PG13)

Wed, 11 Aug 2010 16:49:44 GMT

Title: The Jackalope and The Slytherins
Author: Lady B
Rating: PG13
Characters: Severus, Harry, Draco
Summary: You can't win against Slytherin cunning, no matter how old [you] they are.
Written for: awdt prompt of You're asking way too much of me!
Word Count: 234 words
Disclaimer: Characters are the property of JK Rowling, et al.
Author's Note: Been quite a while since I've done a drabble.

- - -

Harry stared at Draco and Severus in shock.

"You're kidding me, right?" he stated. Complete silence from the two Slytherins was his answer.

"No way! I refuse!"

"..."

"You're just going to have to get someone else to do it! I'm not going to subject myself to this humiliation!"

"..."

"Come on! You can't honestly expect me to do this?" Harry asked in a high nervous voice.

"..."

"Guys, you're asking way too much of me!"

"..."

"Please don't make me do this! I'm begging you! I will do whatever you want!"

"..."

Harry hung his head in resignation and held out his hand...

- - -

4 year-old Lilian Lucy Potter and her 20 guests squealed in absolute delight when their childhood hero, John-John the Jumping Jackalope made an appearance at her birthday party.

Severus T Snape III and his younger brother, Draconis Jr grinned with success as they watched their birth-father, Harry, prance around all the children. They felt a presence behind them and turned to face their fathers, Severus and Draco Seniors. Draco handed both boys 5 Galleons.

"Well-thought and executed Slytherin plan, sons." Severus praised as he watched their third entertain their guests.

"Thank you, sir." both boys said. Draco pulled out a camera and snapped a picture before Harry noticed. Severus looked at him, eyes questioning.

"Blackmail material for Lucy when she's older." Draco smirked. Severus smirked in reply.

Fic Rec Poison Pen by GenkaiFan

Sun, 28 Mar 2010 02:58:06 GMT

It's been quite some time since I rec'd a story. Came across this one in a fic rec community and gave it a read...it's pretty good!

Title: Poison Pen
Author: GenkaiFan
Archived @: Fanfiction.net
Characters/Pairings: No pairings - Harry Potter, Albus Dumbledore, Filius Flitwick, Ragnok, The Goblins of Gringotts, et al
Rating: PG13
Summary: Harry has had enough of seeing his reputation shredded in the Daily Prophet and decides to do something about it. Only he decides to embrace his Slytherin side to rectify matters.
Status: WIP with 25 chapters, last updated March, 26, 2010

The 12 Pains Of Christmas – The Hogwarts Way Pt 10 (Day 12)

Fri, 25 Dec 2009 06:07:53 GMT

Title: The 12 Pains Of Christmas – The Hogwarts Way Pt 10
Author: Lady B
Pairing: Harry/Draco/Severus
Rating: PG13 for language
Summary: Draco and Severus knew that Harry never had an ideal Christmas, growing up with The Dursleys. They were determined to give him the best Christmas ever – the muggle way. No one told Draco it would be so hard!
Author's Note: I sat here the last few weeks thinking of what I was going to write for my annual HP-themed Christmas fic and this popped into my head. This will most be a series of song-fic drabbles to the tune of "The 12 Pains of Christmas" by The Bob Rivers Comedy Troupe.
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and plots from the Harry Potterverse belong to JK Rowling and various publishing companies and movie studios. "The 12 Pains Of Christmas" is written by Bob Rivers and I do not claim the rights to this song. I am not making any money from this, I am simply doing this for the fun of it. Any plot devices and original characters belong to me alone and are simply a figment of my imagination.
Song Links: Want to listen to the song? You can listen to it here. To download it for your own collection, you can find it here.

- - -

The twelfth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: singing Christmas carols...

Harry sat between Draco and Severus at the Royal Opera House in London, watching the Vienna Boys Choir perform their annual Christmas concert. He was enchanted with the music, letting it fill his heart with Christmas joy and love. He raised the hand on his left, kissing Severus's palm. Severus gifted him with a warm smile and a whispered "I love you."

Harry turned to look at Draco, stunned by what he saw on his face. Draco had tears streaming down his cheeks and his eyes were wide in awe. Harry gently touched his arm and Draco looked at him.

"I love you, Harry." Draco whispered. Harry's own eyes widened. It was the first time he could recall since their bonding that Draco had ever said those words.

The smile those three words placed on Harry's face, would live in Draco's memory forever.

"I love you, too, Draco. Merry Christmas." Harry smiled, leaning forward to kiss him.

The End!

The 12 Pains Of Christmas – The Hogwarts Way Pt 9 (Day 11)

Fri, 25 Dec 2009 02:39:26 GMT

Title: The 12 Pains Of Christmas – The Hogwarts Way Pt 9
Author: Lady B
Pairing: Harry/Draco/Severus
Rating: PG13 for language
Summary: Draco and Severus knew that Harry never had an ideal Christmas, growing up with The Dursleys. They were determined to give him the best Christmas ever – the muggle way. No one told Draco it would be so hard!
Author's Note: I sat here the last few weeks thinking of what I was going to write for my annual HP-themed Christmas fic and this popped into my head. This will most be a series of song-fic drabbles to the tune of "The 12 Pains of Christmas" by The Bob Rivers Comedy Troupe.
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and plots from the Harry Potterverse belong to JK Rowling and various publishing companies and movie studios. "The 12 Pains Of Christmas" is written by Bob Rivers and I do not claim the rights to this song. I am not making any money from this, I am simply doing this for the fun of it. Any plot devices and original characters belong to me alone and are simply a figment of my imagination.
Song Links: Want to listen to the song? You can listen to it here. To download it for your own collection, you can find it here.

- - -

The eleventh thing at Christmas, that's such a pain to me: stale TV specials...

"You know Dasher...and Dancer...and Prancer...and Vixen..." Draco stared at the television screen, trying his damnedest to stop his eye from twitching. Harry had fallen in love with the movie "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer" some years before and had been watching it every year since.

His hand twitched toward the remote, wondering if he could get away with changing the channel. Then Harry snuggled closer, nuzzling his nose in the warmth of Draco's neck, and stilled in his sleep with a small sigh. Draco gave him a tender smile and moved his hand away from the remote. Across the room, Severus caught his eye and smiled warmly.

I understand now. Draco murmured in his mind.

Good. Severus nodded.

The 12 Pains of Christmas part 7 (Day 10)

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 12:34:07 GMT

Title: The 12 Pains Of Christmas – The Hogwarts Way Pt 7
Author: Lady B
Pairing: Harry/Draco/Severus
Rating: PG13 for language
Summary: Draco and Severus knew that Harry never had an ideal Christmas, growing up with The Dursleys. They were determined to give him the best Christmas ever – the muggle way. No one told Draco it would be so hard!
Author's Note: I sat here the last few weeks thinking of what I was going to write for my annual HP-themed Christmas fic and this popped into my head. This will most be a series of song-fic drabbles to the tune of "The 12 Pains of Christmas" by The Bob Rivers Comedy Troupe.
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and plots from the Harry Potterverse belong to JK Rowling and various publishing companies and movie studios. "The 12 Pains Of Christmas" is written by Bob Rivers and I do not claim the rights to this song. I am not making any money from this, I am simply doing this for the fun of it. Any plot devices and original characters belong to me alone and are simply a figment of my imagination.
Song Links: Want to listen to the song? You can listen to it here. To download it for your own collection, you can find it here.

- - -

The tenth thing at Christmas, that's such a pain to me: "Batteries not included!"

Such an innocuous phrase. Draco sighed, staring at the three words at the bottom of the box.

He knew what it meant of course.

Why did I let Severus talk me into buying this thing?

"Because you asked me what Harry never had as a child and I told you one of those hand held electronic games teenage muggle boys are so fond of. Not my fault you forgot batteries for it." Severus replied, guessing Draco's thoughts.

"I don't supposed you would know if any are around here?" Draco asked, staring at all the open bags and wrapping paper covering every surface of their bedroom.

"Accio triple a batteries!" Severus grinned, watching as one of the smaller bags flew into his hand.

"Thank you, Severus." Draco said, his heart melting a little.

Severus offered Draco one of his rare smiles, "You're welcome."

Draco went back to his wrapping.

He's finally starting to get it. Severus nodded to himself.

The 12 Pains of Christmas part 6 (Day 9)

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 11:38:39 GMT

Title: The 12 Pains Of Christmas – The Hogwarts Way Pt 6
Author: Lady B
Pairing: Harry/Draco/Severus
Rating: PG13 for language
Summary: Draco and Severus knew that Harry never had an ideal Christmas, growing up with The Dursleys. They were determined to give him the best Christmas ever – the muggle way. No one told Draco it would be so hard!
Author's Note: I sat here the last few weeks thinking of what I was going to write for my annual HP-themed Christmas fic and this popped into my head. This will most be a series of song-fic drabbles to the tune of "The 12 Pains of Christmas" by The Bob Rivers Comedy Troupe.
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and plots from the Harry Potterverse belong to JK Rowling and various publishing companies and movie studios. "The 12 Pains Of Christmas" is written by Bob Rivers and I do not claim the rights to this song. I am not making any money from this, I am simply doing this for the fun of it. Any plot devices and original characters belong to me alone and are simply a figment of my imagination.
Song Links: Want to listen to the song? You can listen to it here. To download it for your own collection, you can find it here.

- - -

The ninth thing at Christmas, that's such a pain to me: finding parking spaces...

Harry sat in the back of the sleek silver Jag, struggling not to laugh as Draco moved the car up and down the parking lot of the shopping center. Draco had insisted on going Christmas shopping the muggle way and Harry didn't argue with him, allowing this small concession for the holidays.

Draco didn't count on having to fight people for an empty spot.

"There's one." Severus pointed out, watching as a car pulled out. Draco sighed with relief, but the minute he started to turn in, a smaller, faster car beat him to it. The man got out and looked a Draco with a rueful grin.

"Sorry, buddy! Better luck next year!" the man called out before jogging into the building. Harry felt the magic in the air and decided to, just this once, let Draco have his way. It was only fair, after all he had put up with over the last week.

Before Severus could blink, Draco had drawn his wand and levitated the man's car to the roof of the mall, obliviating any muggles who witnessed the strange phenomenon. Smirking at his lovers, he pulled into the empty slot.

"Feel better now?" Severus asked.

"Much." Draco smiled, opening the car door, "Let's go shopping!"

Holiday Fic The 12 Pains of Christmas pt 5 (Day #8)

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 05:37:27 GMT

Title: The 12 Pains Of Christmas – The Hogwarts Way Pt 5
Author: Lady B
Pairing: Harry/Draco/Severus
Rating: PG13 for language
Summary: Draco and Severus knew that Harry never had an ideal Christmas, growing up with The Dursleys. They were determined to give him the best Christmas ever – the muggle way. No one told Draco it would be so hard!
Author's Note: I sat here the last few weeks thinking of what I was going to write for my annual HP-themed Christmas fic and this popped into my head. This will most be a series of song-fic drabbles to the tune of "The 12 Pains of Christmas" by The Bob Rivers Comedy Troupe.
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and plots from the Harry Potterverse belong to JK Rowling and various publishing companies and movie studios. "The 12 Pains Of Christmas" is written by Bob Rivers and I do not claim the rights to this song. I am not making any money from this, I am simply doing this for the fun of it. Any plot devices and original characters belong to me alone and are simply a figment of my imagination.
Song Links: Want to listen to the song? You can listen to it here. To download it for your own collection, you can find it here.

- - -

The eighth thing at Christmas, that's such a pain to me: I WANT A TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!

For the tenth time this day, Draco wondered how he let Harry and Severus talk him into this ridiculous farce.

Oh yeah! Harry gave me his sad-eyed, kicked puppy look, and Severus threatened to withhold sex...for a month!

"Smile...Santa!" Harry hissed between his teeth as the next child in line moved to sit on "Santa" Draco's lap. Draco resisted the urge to growl and turned a bright smile on the blonde, blue-eyed boy in his lap.

"And what do you want for Christmas, little boy? (1)" Draco/Santa asked. The little boy looked at him with wide unblinking eyes for the longest time. Just when Draco was about to send the child on his way, he came back to reality with a blink.

"I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!" the boy exclaimed in one breath. Draco stared at him, shocked for a moment, before an absurd thought came to him.

"You'll shoot your eye out, kid! Merry Christmas!" And he pushed the little menace off his lap.

"Draco!" Harry growled.

"Don't tell me you didn't think of it either."

"I did, but still -"

"I will not contribute to the delinquency of a minor, no matter how long Severus holds back sex." Draco whispered. Harry couldn't help but chuckle as he drew forward the next child.

"I WANT A TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!!" the kid shouted directly in Draco's ear. Draco looked at Harry, whose face was bright red with suppressed laughter.

"You. Owe. Me." Draco growled.

(1) From the Jean Sheppard movie "A Christmas Story" – which I also do not own.

Holiday Fic The 12 Pains of Christmas pt 4 (Day #7)

Sun, 20 Dec 2009 16:25:47 GMT

Title: The 12 Pains Of Christmas – The Hogwarts Way Pt 4
Author: Lady B
Pairing: Harry/Draco/Severus
Rating: PG13 for language
Summary: Draco and Severus knew that Harry never had an ideal Christmas, growing up with The Dursleys. They were determined to give him the best Christmas ever – the muggle way. No one told Draco it would be so hard!
Author's Note: I sat here the last few weeks thinking of what I was going to write for my annual HP-themed Christmas fic and this popped into my head. This will most be a series of song-fic drabbles to the tune of "The 12 Pains of Christmas" by The Bob Rivers Comedy Troupe.
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and plots from the Harry Potterverse belong to JK Rowling and various publishing companies and movie studios. "The 12 Pains Of Christmas" is written by Bob Rivers and I do not claim the rights to this song. I am not making any money from this, I am simply doing this for the fun of it. Any plot devices and original characters belong to me alone and are simply a figment of my imagination.
Song Links: Want to listen to the song? You can listen to it here. To download it for your own collection, you can find it here.

- - -

The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: The Salvation Army.

"And just why are we doing this again?" Draco wondered as he skirted around dozens of boxes that had been stacked in their attic. Harry blew dust off one such box and sneezed.

"Because we don't need any of this stuff anymore." Severus replied, handing Harry a handkerchief.

"But it's my stuff, why should I give it to some dirty little orphan who probably won't take care of it properly?" Draco scowled. Harry looked up at him sharply, pain in his eyes.

"I'm one of those 'dirty little orphans', Draco. I can't believe you just said that." Harry whispered, hurt.

"Harry-" But Harry brushed by him, leaving him and Severus alone in the attic.

"After all that Harry has been through, you say the one thing guaranteed to hurt him the most. I cannot believe you, Draco." Severus said, disappointment coloring his tone.

"I didn't mean it, you know that."

"Then you also know why this charity function is important to Harry!" Severus snapped.

"I suppose you're mad at me, too." Draco sighed. Severus sat down next to Draco on the dusty floor and pulled him close.

"I'm not mad at you. I'm mad over the fact that after all we've been through to be together, all the battles we've fought, you still can't let your heart go."

"Someone once told me I don't have a heart." Draco stated.

"Do you love me?" Severus wondered. Draco looked at him, startled.

"Of course I do."

"Do you love Harry?"

"Yes."

"How do you know, Draco?" Severus asked. Draco stared at him, unsure how to answer. Severus saw this in his eyes and nodded. He got to his feet, dusting himself off. "When you know the answer, only then will your heart decide." Severus turned and left the room.

Holiday Fic The 12 Pains Of Christmas - The Hogwarts Way Pt 3

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 22:50:06 GMT

Title: The 12 Pains Of Christmas – The Hogwarts Way Pt 3
Author: Lady B
Pairing: Harry/Draco/Severus
Rating: PG13 for language
Summary: Draco and Severus knew that Harry never had an ideal Christmas, growing up with The Dursleys. They were determined to give him the best Christmas ever – the muggle way. No one told Draco it would be so hard!
Author's Note: I sat here the last few weeks thinking of what I was going to write for my annual HP-themed Christmas fic and this popped into my head. This will most be a series of song-fic drabbles to the tune of "The 12 Pains of Christmas" by The Bob Rivers Comedy Troupe.
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and plots from the Harry Potterverse belong to JK Rowling and various publishing companies and movie studios. "The 12 Pains Of Christmas" is written by Bob Rivers and I do not claim the rights to this song. I am not making any money from this, I am simply doing this for the fun of it. Any plot devices and original characters belong to me alone and are simply a figment of my imagination.
Song Links: Want to listen to the song? You can listen to it here. To download it for your own collection, you can find it here.

- - -

The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Five months of bills!

Draco stared at the roll of parchment that seemed to stretch from one end of the house to another.

"What's this, then?" he wondered, proud of the fact that his voice was calm.

"A list of things I bought for the orphanages and Hogwarts." Harry told him, checking something on the parchment to the items in the large box on the floor.

"And what, exactly, did you buy for the little tykes?"

"Clothes, toys, a couple of Christmas trees, lights, stockings, four large Christmas hams..." As Harry rattled off his extremely large list, Draco clenched his fist at his sides and counted backward from seven million...in Swahili.

An hour later...

"...new cauldrons, potions supplies, new Quidditch gear, brooms, new tables for the Great Hall, and dinnerware." Harry finished, "You're angry."

Draco let out a slow steady breath, "I'm not angry. I'm just wondering why you felt the need to buy it all at once."

"Because it's Christmas and I wanted to. I never had a lot when I was younger and now that I have so much, I want to give back to the very people who accepted me, made me feel like I belonged here."

"Sounds like a good reason to me." Severus nodded.

"You okay with this?" Harry wondered. Draco saw the saddened look in his lover's eyes and felt his heart melt. He smiled and pulled Harry into his arms.

"It's fine, Harry."

"Thanks, love." Harry whispered in his ear.

- - -

The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: facing the in-laws...

Draco bit back the words that wanted to escape when he stepped out of the floo. All he could see was a room full of red hair and freckles. One of the twins (and it galled him to no end he still couldn't tell them apart after all these years) instantly latched on to his leg and wouldn't let go.

"Merry Christmas, Uncle Draco." the little ball of energy smiled up at him.

In for a knut... "Merry Christmas, Charity." Draco replied. The 6-year old girl clinging to his leg smiled widely at him, revealing two missing teeth.

"You remembered my name this time!" He bent down and pulled the littlest Weasley into his arms.

"Well so I did. And where is your sister?"

"Serenity took Uncle Harry into the back to show him her new broom. Grandma Molly said we could try them out tomorrow."

"Draco! You made it!" exclaimed Molly, coming into the kitchen. She took Charity from him and shooed her into the living room before taking Draco's things and shoving a glass of eggnog into his hands. He set it down quickly when she wasn't looking and waded his way through the sea of Red to join his partners near the warm fire beside the Christmas tree.

This may be the best Christmas yet, if I'm starting to tolerate The Weasleys. Draco thought to himself as he pulled Harry into his arms. Harry smiled at him and rested his head on Draco's shoulder as the soft sounds of a Christmas melody filtered from the wireless.

Holiday Fic The 12 Pains Of Christmas – The Hogwarts Way Pt 2

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 07:14:14 GMT

Title: The 12 Pains Of Christmas – The Hogwarts Way Pt 2
Author: Lady B
Pairing: Harry/Draco/Severus
Rating: PG13 for language
Summary: Draco and Severus knew that Harry never had an ideal Christmas, growing up with The Dursleys. They were determined to give him the best Christmas ever – the muggle way. No one told Draco it would be so hard!
Author's Note: I sat here the last few weeks thinking of what I was going to write for my annual HP-themed Christmas fic and this popped into my head. This will most be a series of song-fic drabbles to the tune of "The 12 Pains of Christmas" by The Bob Rivers Comedy Troupe.
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and plots from the Harry Potterverse belong to JK Rowling and various publishing companies and movie studios. "The 12 Pains Of Christmas" is written by Bob Rivers and I do not claim the rights to this song. I am not making any money from this, I am simply doing this for the fun of it. Any plot devices and original characters belong to me alone and are simply a figment of my imagination.
Song Links: Want to listen to the song? You can listen to it here. To download it for your own collection, you can find it here.

- - -

The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Hangovers...

"Draco, you need to get up. You'll be late for work." a voice whispered in his ear. Draco groaned and turned his head toward the speaker, regretting it not a moment later when a herd of dragons began doing the Can-Can in his head.

"Am I dead?" he moaned.

"No, but you should be after all that eggnog you drank last night. Didn't I warn you George always spikes it with vodka?" Draco cracked open an eye and stared at Harry and Severus, both of whom had amused smirks on their faces.

"Just kill me," Draco told them, "I could use a Hangover potion right now."

"Hermione took the last of it for Ron and I haven't had a chance to brew more. You'll have to cure it the muggle way." Severus told him smugly. Draco looked at him, stunned, as Harry set a large glass on the bedside table.

"Tomato juice and hot sauce. Will definitely cure what ails you. Who wants steak and eggs?" Harry asked. Draco turned green and bolted for the bathroom.

- - -

The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Sending Christmas Cards...

"Oh this is beyond ridiculous!" Draco exclaimed, staring at the pile of cards covering every available surface of their living room.

"You promised you'd help me." Harry pouted.

"I promised to help you send Christmas cards to a few select people! Not the whole bloody wizarding community!"

"There are muggle ones here as well." Severus stated from his desk where he was tackling a stack of cards from former Hogwarts staff and students.

Harry scowled at him, "Fine, if you aren't going to help you can sleep in the guest room tonight."

After a moment of silence, Draco shuffled over to the chair across the desk that Harry was using and picked up an unsealed envelope.

"Can I at least use magic?"

"No." Harry told him, "Get licking."

"I'd rather be licking anything but envelopes right now." Draco muttered, thinking he hadn't been heard.

"That can be arranged. I believe our former Minister Fudge needs his arse shined." Severus stated, getting angry on Harry's behalf. Severus was getting sick of Draco's general whining and upsetting Harry. Draco's face flushed red and he silently began licking envelopes.

Hours later...

"Hear that, Harry?" Severus asked. Harry looked up at him.

"What's that?"

"Blessed silence." Severus smiled, pointedly looking at Draco. Draco scowled at them both.

"I warned you not to lick your lips after all those envelopes. Not my fault your lips glued shut." Harry laughed. Draco turned his glare up another notch, which had no effect on Harry. Harry waved his wand to clean Draco's face and proceeded to snog him senseless. Draco forgot his anger after that, "Thank you for helping me."

"You're welcome." Draco smiled, still dazed from the kiss.

Maybe this won't be so bad, if it keeps putting a smile on his face. Draco thought to himself...

Holiday Fic The 12 Pains Of Christmas - Hogwarts Way

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 14:37:02 GMT

Title: The 12 Pains Of Christmas – The Hogwarts Way
Author: Lady B
Pairing: Harry/Draco/Severus
Rating: PG13 for language
Summary: Draco and Severus knew that Harry never had an ideal Christmas, growing up with The Dursleys. They were determined to give him the best Christmas ever – the muggle way. No one told Draco it would be so hard!
Author's Note: I sat here the last few weeks thinking of what I was going to write for my annual HP-themed Christmas fic and this popped into my head. This will most be a series of song-fic drabbles to the tune of "The 12 Pains of Christmas" by The Bob Rivers Comedy Troupe.
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and plots from the Harry Potterverse belong to JK Rowling and various publishing companies and movie studios. "The 12 Pains Of Christmas" is written by Bob Rivers and I do not claim the rights to this song. I am not making any money from this, I am simply doing this for the fun of it. Any plot devices and original characters belong to me alone and are simply a figment of my imagination.
Song Links: Want to listen to the song? You can listen to it here. To download it for your own collection, you can find it here.

The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me, is finding a Christmas tree...

They had been wandering the lot of trees for what seemed like hours.

"Severus, I'm freezing! Why can't I use a heating charm?" Draco complained for the thousandth time. Severus had to clamp down on the urge to hex him.

"Because we promised Harry we wouldn't." Severus growled.

"This sucks." Draco whined.

"Don't be childish." Severus sighed, rolling his eyes when he caught Draco sticking his tongue out.

Harry ran toward them, eyes sparkling, face flushed with the cold and excitement.

"I found it!" he grinned, grabbing Draco's hand.

"S'about bloody time." Draco muttered. Severus could only shake his head as he followed his partners...

- - -

The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Rigging up the lights...

"Why the hell aren't these lights blinking?" Draco complained later that evening. Severus felt his inner temperature go for mildly annoyed to slow-simmering rage.

"The flasher light is blown, hang on a minute." Harry stated, digging through a packet of spare bulbs he'd purchased. He quickly located the darkened bulb and changed it, grinning with delight when the lights began their twinkling right away. "I'm going to check on the popcorn. Think you can handle those lights?"

"Got it covered. How hard can it be?" Draco replied. Harry kissed Draco's cheek as he got to his feet, rubbing Severus's shoulder as he passed on his way to the kitchen.

"Draco you don't know what you're doing, do you?" Severus asked once Harry was out of earshot. Draco pulled out his wand.

"Easy as pie." Draco smirked.

"You promised." Severus reminded him.

"I hate muggles." Draco grumbled, stashing his wand away...

When Harry returned to the living room, he nearly bit his tongue in half to prevent himself from laughing at the sight he was now witness to.

Draco had tried hanging the lights on the tree and had gotten himself tangled up in the cords.

Severus, stoic man that he was famous for being, had no such qualms and was practically laying on the floor with laughter.

With a flick of his hand, Harry freed his lover, a small smile on his face.

"Fine! You're so bloody smart, you put up these lights!" Draco growled at Severus before storming away.

"Severus!" Harry sighed.

"I'll get him." he chuckled, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. Harry laughed and went back into the kitchen, knowing Severus would calm Draco down...

The third and fourth things coming next time...
TBC...

Drabble Death By Chocolate (Trio)

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 13:50:07 GMT

Title: Death By Chocolate
Author: Lady B
Challenge: This weeks AWDT prompt of "What do you mean we're out of chocolate?"
Pairing: Severus/Harry/Draco, Ron/Hermione
Rating: PG13
Warnings: implied Mpreg
Summary: Severus Snape and Draco Malfoy, once part of Voldemort's Death Eaters, fearless in the face of of danger at every turn, are now completely afraid for their lives.
Disclaimer: All owned by JK Rowling and various companies.
Author's Note: Been a while since I've been on LJ/IJ and AWDT and this one jumped out at me.

Up until this point in their lives, Draco Malfoy and Severus Snape were not afraid of anything. They had fought beside and against one of the most feared Dark Lords in wizarding history and came away with their lives intact. They spent time in Azkaban for their sins and came away with their sanity intact.

And then Harry Potter came into their lives like a dervish, ruthlessly breaking down all their carefully constructed walls.

But if you were to look in on them today - you wouldn't recognize them. They were huddle together in a corner of their home, arms around one another as they stared up at their husband. Who looked anything but happy. They were man enough to admit they were scared.

"Repeat what you just told me, slowly and carefully so I can understand it." Harry growled, eyes glinting like chipped emerald ice. Draco gulped and looked at Severus beside him.

"We're, uh, out of chocolate this morning." Severus murmured. He cringed, wishing the wall behind him would swallow him whole at the look on Harry's face. It was so silent in the room, you could hear a tick sneeze. Harry stared down at the two of them for so long, sweat began to pool and run down between their shoulder blades, making both Draco and Severus uncomfortable and itchy.

"What do you mean we're out of chocolate?" Harry's tone was deadly when he finally spoke. It was the same tone of voice that uttered the final spell used to defeat Voldemort. Severus let out a small sound of fear that he would deny he made till his dying day.

"Well...uh..." Draco began, "Severus and I were working late last night and didn't realize we were snacking on the chocolates until we noticed it was all gone this morning."

Harry's glare turned downright hostile and Draco thought he was going to piss himself...

About a mile and a half away, Hermione, who was feeding her daughter, heard what sounded like an explosion and the ground shook beneath her feet. Ron ran into the room, wand drawn.

"What the hell was that?" he asked.

Hermione chuckled, wiping a glob of mushed peas off Milla's face.

"Severus and Draco ate Harry's chocolates again." Ron put away his wand.

"You think they would have learned the first time not to eat a pregnant person's chocolate." he laughed before going to the floo.

"Mr Weasley, what can I do for you today?" The proprietress of Honeydukes smiled.

"Another order of chocolates for The Potters, if you please."

"Those two never learn do they?" The woman laughed, agreeing to send it right away.

"Want to go check on them?" Ron asked after he ended the call.

"Nah. Let them stew a bit. Maybe they'll finally get it through their heads to leave Harry's things be." Hermione chuckled.

And the moral of the story is: Never get between a pregnant person and their chocolate supply. Ever.

End.