InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "I've never meant anything more"

Thackery Avalon (twintimez) wrote in dalton_rpg,
@ 2012-05-25 18:19:00

Entry tags:

! thread, @ character: archer kennedy, @ character: thackery avalon

Who: Tak Avalon and Archer Kennedy
What: Guidance Talks
When: Friday, May 25th; Evening
Where: Archer's Apartment
Rating: SFW (Contains feels)

He'd avoided everyone in Johnson. No small feat really, as people were everywhere in Johnson. But he'd managed by moving quickly and quietly (strange for Tak). No pausing to talk with the boys of Chopp he'd offered a weak smile to, the blonde Warbler continued to Archer's living quarters and, reaching the door paused with a deep intake of air.

What was he doing? He wasn't like this. He didn't need help. He was fine.

Only he wasn't. He hadn't been for some time. But then, he'd had his mask of laughter and grins in place for over a year now. Perhaps he was numb to the sort of pain that haunted him. Perhaps his feelings for Raf, annoying as they were, had opened some tiny fissure in his otherwise impervious mask of jovial solitude. He didn't know.

It was why he refused to talk about his feelings really. Why he refused to focus on such horrible things. feelings. His feelings. They didn't matter. They were selfish. Just like he was.

His friends didn't deserve that sort of problem on their hands. They had their own issues. How could he possibly put it on them to deal with his silly crush on one of their own? To deal with the aching numbness that played at his heart? Or the nearly overwhelming guilt that surfaced with any mention of a parent? No, they had their own issues. He had to support them. He couldn't be selfish. He'd done that already. He'd ruined lives with his selfishness. He wouldn't let it happen again.

No. Never again.

Taking a small breath in after exhaling his larger one, Tak felt his lips curve into the all too familiar smile and, gave a quick knock upon the door.

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twintimez
2012-05-27 09:19 pm UTC (link)

"Maybe." Tak murmured in a tiny voice. He couldn't quite look Archer in the eyes then. His gaze turning towards toward the cup of chocolate in his hands. He watched the brown liquid turn as he shifted the cup slightly, and for once, his features slipped into a natural state. It was brief, the cheer and laughter seeming to drain from his face in that moment of weakness to reveal an emotionally fragile blonde teen.

He remained quiet for a moment before pulling himself together in what seemed a fraction of a second. The state of cheerfulness returned when he spoke once more, finding his normal state of confident goofball.

"Some intense questions there, Mr. Kennedy. You ask all your quests tough questions on their first visit or am I just special?"

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archerken
2012-05-27 09:54 pm UTC (link)

Archie's heart always ached when he saw a student looking like that. He wished it were more appropriate to offer a hug at times like this... but Tak was already recovering himself. Archie frowned a little into his tea at how fast Tak pulled himself together--speed meant practice, and practice meant it had been going on for a long time.

"You're just special," Archie said with a little smile for Tak, shifting a little, putting his mug in his left hand and leaving his right hand open--it wasn't an invitation for a hug, but it was leaving him open on the side closer to Tak in case Tak wanted the comfort. "Tak, when a person self-harms, there's an underlying cause, an underlying wound that's just... gaping. Until that heals, the self-destructive behavior isn't going to stop. There are ways you can redirect it so it's not damaging you as much, but it can't just be stopped. Does that make sense? Do you think it's something you'd like to try to explore?"

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twintimez
2012-05-27 10:46 pm UTC (link)

"Heh, thanks." Tak murmured, looking towards the guidance counselor then with a smile. Really, he was okay. If he told himself he was long enough, he'd believe it and it would be true. Right?

"I just want to be a good friend, Mr.Kennedy." Tak said with the same smile. "I want to be there for the people important to me. How I feel...it isn't too important really." He paused then, looking from the older man to the cup of hot chocolate in his hands.

"I want to change my feelings for Raf, because...I don't want to mess up the friendships I have. It'd be messy and....and these feelings will pass in time, I guess. He's an amazing guy and we'd have fun but...nothing it worth risking my friends over. And besides--" The blonde swallowed, "I got into Juilliard. I won't really have time for anything like that...I'll need their support and stuff."

He took the time to draw out his thoughts by taking a long sip from his cup of hot chocolate. Feeling the warm liquid hit his body, Tak gave a small sigh of pleasure at the taste of the substance. "Doesn't time heal all wounds too? I mean...I can try...if you think it's important or something? To explore it I mean...or use those skills you were talking about."

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archerken
2012-05-27 11:05 pm UTC (link)

"Yes... to some extent, time will heal all wounds," Archie said slowly. "But sometimes, a wound can kill you before there's enough time to heal it. And this one... answer me honestly, Tak? Out of a hundred percent, about how much time do you think you've spent feeling miserable but hiding it, as opposed to feeling genuinely happy in this past week?"

Archie took a deep breath and gave a little sigh with a shake of his head. "Your feelings are important, Tak, and it's not selfish to believe that. Your feelings need to be important to you."

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twintimez
2012-05-28 12:37 am UTC (link)

"I..." Tak began, stopping at the word honest. He had to think about that. Where did his feelings begin and his thoughts end? He wasn't sure. It'd been so long since he'd be genuinely just happy and not content with his life. Time stretched for a long pause until he gave a shrug, a chuckle of amusement following as he moved to take another sip of his own drink. "I dunno. Honestly. I'm not sad. But I'm not happy. Is numb an emotion?"

He glanced towards Archer when the man sighed, a small smile curling his lips at the action. There, he was doing it again wasn't he? Being stubborn. Selfish at wanting to keep things to himself. "No offense Mr. Kennedy, but the last time I thought my feelings were important, I ended a marriage."

His smile faded, his attention returning to the drink in his hands. "I don't think it matters much now. But I hurt a lot of people by thinking my feelings were really important, you know? My Mom, the guy I thought I loved, and....my Dad."

His voice cracked at the word Dad. A word he seemed unable to mask in the moment. Tak brought the cup back up to his lips, not really drinking but using it as an excuse to stop talking.

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	archerken 2012-05-28 02:11 am UTC (link)
	"Numb is a lack of emotion. For the sake of this discussion, numb is going to equate to miserable, because it certainly isn't happy." Archie took another sip of his tea, watching Tak, listening to his voice and studying how his expression changed with what he spoke about. "What happened, Tak?" Archie pressed gently, his voice a murmur. "What went wrong?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

twintimez
2012-05-28 02:32 am UTC (link)

"I messed up." Tak said bluntly. His smile recovering as he lowered the cup. "I thought I was in love with a guy, an older guy here at Dalton and rushed into a romance I...wasn't ready for."

He shrugged then, to show it hadn't meant anything. Only, it had. "He messed me up pretty bad, emotionally. Not that I can feel any of it anymore. Being honest, if that's what I'm supposed to be doing." Tak paused then, to look towards the older man with a curious expression.

"I went home, to New York city last year. For a long weekend to spend time with my Mom. My step Mom, but--whatever." He sighed, hesitating only a moment before continuing with an odd smile that seemed to express his regret of the memories.

"It's such a long story, Mr. Kennedy. So many things lead up to what happened." But he felt he owed the man at least why he knew his actions had been selfish. He had to justify his feelings, or rather, lack their of.

"In a nut shell? Dad found out I was Bi, bi-sexual that is. And...he sort of lost it. He couldn't handle it and sort of...left." The last word came quietly, Tak taking a sip of his drink to steady his voice once more before continuing.

"But it's okay," The smile returned, bright and practiced as it quickly evolved into a grin that seemed almost portrait like. "It's just me and Mom now. The guy I was with left when things started to get bad. Well, left around that time. I don't blame him, not anymore really. It was bound to happen eventually I suppose. So really, I guess I should thank him. Without him forcing my outing to my parents, well, I guess I'd still have to put up with a parent who didn't really love me."

"Wow," The blonde boy stopped, his grin fading into a curious look. "That's a horrible thing to say. Sorry about that. Lemme repharse that. A parent who couldn't handle who his son is."

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	archerken 2012-05-28 02:53 am UTC (link)
	Archie listened intently as Tak spoke, sipping occasionally from his mug. A bad romance, a bad coming out, a bad reaction. "That... is a long story, Tak," he said when the other boy finished. "Do you mind if I look at it one piece at a time?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	twintimez 2012-05-28 02:58 am UTC (link)
	"Sure." Tak murmured, his look of curiosity never fading as he glanced towards Archer still. He found the counselor was a good listener. It was strange even telling someone part of his bout of bad luck, bad karma, whatever force in the Universe that had dished out his life drama. "Go ahead." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	archerken 2012-05-28 03:00 am UTC (link)
	"All right, let's start with the guy then. You said he was older? How much older? You were a sophomore last year, so was he a junior or senior?" Archie tapped the edge of his mug against his lip as he watched Tak with just as much curiosity. "Did he pressure you into doing things you weren't ready for, or did you just get swept up in a first romance?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	twintimez 2012-05-28 03:05 am UTC (link)
	"Sasha," Tak spoke softly, "His name I mean. He was a junior then." The blonde boy took a moment to think back of his quick bout of romance and shook his head with a small smile. "No, nothing...pressured. He was sweet, really. Just....I think we moved too fast. I was too stupid to see it. But he never put any pressure on me at all." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	archerken 2012-05-28 03:08 am UTC (link)
	"All right. So Sasha took care of you, but neither of you slowed things down." Archie nodded slowly. "You went to New York... together? Just you? How did you come out to your parents?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

twintimez
2012-05-28 03:25 am UTC (link)

"Ah, no." Tak began, his eyes widening a little, memories flashing in his mind of the events that lead up to Sasha's flying out to New York. "I went on my own, to visit my Mom for Mother's day. My Dad...he was always away on business and...well, I figured she could use the company on a holiday celebrating mothers."

He took a breath then, his gaze drifting upwards as he tried properly to recall all of the events in order. They'd become fuzzy once his head had smacked into the cement. "After I got to New York, I got jumped by some...old acquaintances I knew from before I got to Dalton. We...don't have the best history, it involves one of my best friends, Mocchi? He...was the one I had feelings for before. I think I mentioned that on the journals. Anyway,"

Tak breathed, shaking his head to clear the notion. "They uhm, well, the guy who swung at me was the one who got me expelled from my last school. He came onto me in the locker rooms and I...said no and he swung at me and well...I flipped him."

He frowned then, bringing a hand up to rub the side of his head where his own head had been smashed against the cement shortly after the memory. "I don't know how bad I hurt him...his friends jumped me after and uhh--" He licked his lips, a laugh following shortly after. "I got saved by some cross dressers on their way home. It's pretty funny if you think about it."

He shrugged again, looking towards Archer once more. "When I woke up, they took me home and Mom flipped out. Took me to the doctors and got me bandaged up and everything. Then I called Sasha and...he flew out to be with me. Surprisingly. I don't know how he managed it really."

Another chuckle passed his lips then, of amusement it seemed. "Looking back now, I think I should have just lied to him. He showed up in the middle of the night and...everything just came out on the front steps of my Mom's apartment." Tak sighed once more, he'd been sighing a lot at all of the explanations. "Mom didn't care, she still doesn't but when she told Dad...it sort of...just went south from there."

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	archerken 2012-05-28 03:29 am UTC (link)
	"Wow," Archie said. "That's... quite a lot for one night. Have you spoken with your dad since then?" A lot in one night was an understatement. There were all kinds of explanations for Tak's father's bad reaction, of which homophobia was only one small possibility. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

twintimez
2012-05-28 03:33 am UTC (link)

"Wasn't much talking, Mr. Kennedy." Tak chuckled, leaning his head back to stare at the ceiling in half amusement. "Lots of harsh words and yelling. A few attempts to pull me from Dalton. That bit was fun."

Lifting his head from it's rest position, Tak outright laughed before looking towards Archer. "I even sang at him once when we went to dinner." The grin that surfaced on Tak's face wasn't happy by any means. "He wasn't too impressed."

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	archerken 2012-05-28 03:35 am UTC (link)
	"I'm sorry to hear that," Archie said, a little frown tugging at his mouth. These Dalton boys... every last one of them had a heart-breaking story. "Was that the last time you spoke?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	twintimez 2012-05-28 03:37 am UTC (link)
	"Yeah." He managed, his voice cracking as the facade slipped once more. Tak could feel his eyes begin to water and quickly rubbed at them. No. No tears. Crying wasn't for him. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	archerken 2012-05-28 03:51 am UTC (link)
	Archie reached out, nudging the box of tissues toward Tak. "It's okay to cry, Tak. In here, you don't have to be selfless and happy. Not in front of me." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

twintimez
2012-05-28 10:30 am UTC (link)

"I'm okay." The blonde boy replied, taking the box of tissues as the tears began to swell and fall down his face. His voice hand't wavered, it had come evenly without fail and, a moment later he shook his head, murmuring softly to himself in another language.

'I'm okay. I'm okay. Everything is fine.'

He was gifted with many talents, being fluent in another language was one of them and it seemed easier at times to speak in it. Especially if he grew up listening to it all the time. Though as he continued to speak, his voice began to crack as he continued to shake his head.

"I'm not okay." He breathed, shoulders quivering moments before his body began to shake in an attempt to deny himself the sobs. "I'm sorry. I'm not--" His voice cracked, the burning in his throat swelling to a near painful point then. "I'm not like this normally."

And he broke then.

A hand coming to up to cover his mouth, in an attempt to quell the crying that wracked his frame. When had been the last time he'd cried? He couldn't remember. Tak wasn't so sure he wanted to remember. He'd been avoiding the pain so long and one talk with Mr.Kennedy had undone all he'd worked so hard to control.

It was a flood. A flood of guilt, anger, and pain that he couldn't contain in that moment. And it hurt.

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archerken
2012-05-28 12:34 pm UTC (link)

When Tak broke, Archie moved. He set his own tea aside first before closing the distance between them, gently removing Tak's hot chocolate from his fingers and setting it just far enough away so it wouldn't be accidentally knocked over. As soon as the drinks were safe, Archie wrapped his arms around the boy and pulled him close into a hug--screw inappropriateness between a teacher and student. Tak was in obvious pain, and he needed something.

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twintimez
2012-05-28 12:49 pm UTC (link)

For once, Tak had no words left in him. Only the choked sobs and shaking of his body as Archer pulled him close for a hug. The arms that embraced him. The comforting gesture was welcome. He'd never been hugged by a teacher before but found them just as warm as a normal hug. His free hand, the one that that had held onto the cup of chocolate previously, balled itself into Archer's shirt.

He couldn't calm himself, nor could he stop the tears, and for the first time in almost a year he could honestly say he missed his father then more than anything else in the world.

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	archerken 2012-05-28 12:57 pm UTC (link)
	Archie tucked Tak against him and just held the boy as he sobbed, rocking him gently. There was nothing else he could do or say now except offer Tak this comfort until the flood dried up. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	twintimez 2012-05-28 01:11 pm UTC (link)
	The tears stopped after a time. The shaking subsiding into shaky breaths and once he was sure he'd cried himself dry, Tak pulled away from the kind older man. Sniffling still, the blonde teen rubbed at his eyes with one arm. "I'm sorry." He voiced through a raspy tone. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	archerken 2012-05-28 01:48 pm UTC (link)
	"It's all right," Archie assured Tak, offering him a smile and leaning over to snag some fresh tissues for him. "No drinks were spilled, and shirts will dry. No harm done." He held out the tissues, watching Tak with concern. "How are you feeling?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	twintimez 2012-05-28 02:10 pm UTC (link)
	Tak laughed then, softly at the the sight of Archer's shirt. Taking the offered tissues, the blonde boy rubbed at his eyes again before answering. "Really stupid. I just turned into a pile of blubbering mess in front of the new teacher." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	archerken 2012-05-28 02:23 pm UTC (link)
	"Believe it or not, that was part of my nefarious scheme in inviting you here," Archie said, sitting back a little with a smile. "Get some chocolate in you, make you cry... but honestly, Tak, are you... did it help any?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	twintimez 2012-05-28 02:41 pm UTC (link)
	"Looks like it worked then," He mused laughing again softly. Sniffing once more he smiled then. "I guess the whole honesty thing works a little. Heh, was this one of those skills you were talking about?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

archerken
2012-05-28 07:57 pm UTC (link)

"It is, actually," Archie said with another little smile. He shifted closer to Tak, reaching out to squeeze the boy's shoulder. "You've been holding all of this inside you for so long, Tak. It's been choking you. And before you fret, I read psychology at university. I've been trained to look for these sorts of things. You're very good at holding it in, but that's not healthy for you. One thing you need to do is just let it out. Even if it's on your own as you take a shower or something, you need to... to allow yourself to feel the pain. Admit it's there, cry it out, scream it out, sing it out. And that's not being selfish, Tak. It's not any more selfish than choosing an orange for breakfast instead of a poptart."

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	twintimez 2012-05-31 09:34 pm UTC (link)
	"I could give it a try..." Tak muttered, his voice raspy from the crying session and emotional load he'd just let go of. There was plenty left, plenty weighing down his heart but at least he'd broken the dam that'd he couldn't remember building. "I'm not good with words." He admitted with another sniffle, "But I can try a song." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

archerken
2012-05-31 10:24 pm UTC (link)

"You certainly are good with music." Archie lightly rubbed Tak's back, just over his shoulders. "Tak, there is no one way to cope with pain, but the best thing to do is let it out. You can do that as I said, by screaming or singing or whatever. You can do it through exercise. You can physically destroy it--make something to represent your pain and negativity, draw a picture or write something down, then destroy that, set it on fire or something. You can dance until your legs give out, or attack a punching bag or pillow... but you do have to do something. Anything."

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