InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "don't forget me"

Rose Morgan (rose_tinted) wrote in dalton_rpg,
@ 2012-03-08 00:53:00

Entry tags:

! thread, @ character: gabriel holden, @ character: rose morgan, status: incomplete

You held my hand and you sang your song
Who: Rose and Gabe
What: Rose seeks out Gabe to find out why this happened.
When: March 1st, Thurday afternoon (Backdated)
Where: Gabe's room
Rating: RM (Rose's Mouth) and probably discussion of abuse and rape

Rose wasn't convinced by the convenient timing of Gabe's exit from their chat last night. As an experienced liar herself, she could tell when someone was trying to avoid a topic. And they'd been talking about some pretty heavy shit.

She knocked on Gabriel's door, rather troubled. Was there something he wasn't telling her? Or something he didn't even know? She'd read about traumatic memories suddenly surfacing after years. Was it something like that?

"Hey. Holden. Lemme in."

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	angeloffire 2012-03-08 02:52 am UTC (link)
	Gabriel acknowledged this with a slight nod of his head. It was a fair point. "Why does it matter to you, though?" he asked. "Some not-remembered event in my life hardly has any impact on yours." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rose_tinted 2012-03-08 02:54 am UTC (link)
	"You remember that whole 'friendship' thing? Yeah. Apparently that comes with an obligation to care about the other person's buried memories that come up in a conversation about People Who Have Been Abused Me." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

angeloffire
2012-03-08 02:58 am UTC (link)

"You don't have to," Gabriel said. It was easier sitting this way, without being able to see Rose. When had that happened? He was usually so paranoid about people being out of his line of sight. At some point, though, he grew comfortable enough in Rose's presence to allow here behind his back. "Like I said, I don't even remember it. That's not really much to go on."

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	rose_tinted 2012-03-08 06:42 am UTC (link)
	"Could be. Could not. Stop deflecting. What's bugging you?" She kicked her feet up onto his bed, leaning back in the desk chair. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	angeloffire 2012-03-08 11:43 am UTC (link)
	Gabriel twisted around again, eyeing Rose for several long minutes before he closed his eyes and gave a little sigh. "Feelings." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rose_tinted 2012-03-09 01:13 am UTC (link)
	"Yep. Feelings are a bitch." She kind of felt bad for probing so much. But part of her thought it would be good for him. Clearly he wanted to talk about it. Another, more vindictive part whispered that he owed her this, after all the uncomfortable realisations he'd forced her to. "What kinda feelings?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

angeloffire
2012-03-09 01:16 am UTC (link)

"Just... feelings. Not memories, but... feelings." Gabriel frowned--it was hard to explain. He didn't mean emotions necessarily, not like when he felt happy or sad now. He meant that when he closed his eyes and tried to remember his childhood, tried to block out what he had been told and just focus on what he had experienced, he could only remember feelings. Happiness. Confusion. Anger. Hatred. Loathing. Too many dark feelings. There were only a few scattered fragments of anything more tangible than that.

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	rose_tinted 2012-03-09 01:29 am UTC (link)
	"Well, why did it come up then, of all times?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	angeloffire 2012-03-09 01:30 am UTC (link)
	Gabriel had stopped rubbing his foot, now just sitting on his bed, curled forward slightly, defensively. "Do you hate him? Mattie?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

rose_tinted
2012-03-09 01:39 am UTC (link)

"Uh." She had to think about that. Just thinking about him too hard made her uncomfortable at the best of times...her hand went to her neck unconsciously, and she seemed to shrink into herself. It should've been easy to hate him...certainly, she'd had no problem hating people who'd hurt her much less...but she'd never quite shaken the feeling that it had been her fault. That she had led him on. That she was responsible. "I dunno. I should. I don't as much as I should. I'm just glad he's out of my life."

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	angeloffire 2012-03-09 01:41 am UTC (link)
	"I hate," Gabriel said, drawing a leg up and resting his left cheek against his knee. "This one man, any time I see his face, hear his name, I hate him. And I don't know why. I don't remember why," he corrected. "Though I have suspicions... I have no way of knowing if they're true." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rose_tinted 2012-03-09 01:48 am UTC (link)
	Rose shuffled back in the chair, so both her feet could fit on it, and sat with her knees drawn up to her chest and her chin resting on them. "Suspicions?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	angeloffire 2012-03-09 01:50 am UTC (link)
	"Warren Jeffs is a convicted child molester," Gabriel pointed out to his knee. "I lived under his rule before he was arrested." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rose_tinted 2012-03-09 02:00 am UTC (link)
	"Wait...Warden Jeffs is..." She remembered back, months ago, to that one journal entry Gabriel had made the previous year. I do not know why I hate Warden Jeffs. I barely remember him. She made a small, involuntary noise in the back of her throat. "Jesus fuck, Gabriel. Jesus fucking Christ." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	angeloffire 2012-03-09 02:08 am UTC (link)
	"The Prophet," Gabriel confirmed, giving a slight nod. "And my mother's brother was one of his most loyal servants." He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Perhaps your word choice is actually apt right now, all things considered." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rose_tinted 2012-03-09 02:13 am UTC (link)
	"Fuck, Gabriel," she said again, rubbing her hands over her face as she tried to get her head around all this. "And you've had these suspicions weighing you down for...how long?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	angeloffire 2012-03-09 02:15 am UTC (link)
	Gabriel curled his toes into his bedspread, thinking. How long had it been? "Remember that time we didn't smoke together on the statue?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rose_tinted 2012-03-09 02:27 am UTC (link)
	"Yeah, I remember. Kinda." She'd been in a bad place. Not the worst, but pretty bad, and looking back on it didn't do her any favours. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	angeloffire 2012-03-09 02:29 am UTC (link)
	"That's when I finally accepted that I really do have amnesia," Gabriel said. "I have to question everything I know about my past. How much is real, and how much is just a convenient story made up to "spare me" or just to get me to stop asking questions?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rose_tinted 2012-03-09 02:40 am UTC (link)
	"Fuck." Rose bit her lip hard. There was really nothing to say to that. She shuffled off her chair and went to sit next to her friend. "Fucking hell. I'm so fucking sorry, Gabe." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

angeloffire
2012-03-09 02:53 am UTC (link)

Gabriel glanced at Rose, the surprise that she had decided to move closer not completely banished from his face. He himself made no move toward her aside from the look, remaining where he was. "It was hardly your fault, and even if it did happen, I don't remember it. What you don't know can't hurt you."

Wrong. Gabriel needed to know. The unknown questions were eating away at his mind. He needed everything to be properly labeled, properly categorized. "Unknown" wasn't an acceptable label.

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	rose_tinted 2012-03-09 02:58 am UTC (link)
	"Except it blatantly does hurt you. Or worry you, at least." She chewed her lip, thinking. "Uh. Some stuff we could maybe do some detective work on and dig up the truth, but some of it...the important stuff...fucking hell, Gabe, you have to have the complicated issues, don't you?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

angeloffire
2012-03-09 03:02 am UTC (link)

"Except I have no desire to have any contact with any of the surviving people who would know what happened," Gabriel said, looking back to his feet. "Every last one of them triggers a sense of... revulsion, with him being the worst." He tightened his arm around his leg, hugging himself. "There are people in the world who you hear about as having incredible strokes of luck, good people, generous and caring, and you think "Oh, she deserved to win the lottery!" If that's indeed true, if there are these people who deserve rewards, then the opposite must be true as well. There are people who deserve... punishments, for lack of a better word." He gave a tired little shrug. "I've long ago resigned myself to the fact that I am one of those people."

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	rose_tinted 2012-03-09 03:10 am UTC (link)
	"Oh, fuck right off!" Rose burst out. "Deserve fucking punishment my aass! Nobody deserves the kind of shit you've been through, least of all a fucking kid!" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	angeloffire 2012-03-09 03:12 am UTC (link)
	Rose's outburst startled Gabriel a little, making him look sharply at her. "It's only fair," he said. "If the world is going to stay in balance, for everyone fated to get good things heaped upon them, someone else must be fated for bad things." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rose_tinted 2012-03-09 03:18 am UTC (link)
	Rose snorted irritably. "Dude. There's no balance. There's no fair. The universe is a big ball of chaotic what the fuckery. If life was fair, people like Warden Jeffs wouldn't have power and followers. If life was fucking fair, Ian would still be here. Life isn't fucking fair and it doesn't give you what you deserve. You of all people should know that." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

angeloffire
2012-03-09 11:58 am UTC (link)

"There is a balance," Gabriel argued. "It's hard to see, and it isn't fair on an individual level, but the world over, there is an ultimate balance. What happened to Ian was horrible, but somewhere else, someone's life was saved. It evens out in the end. In order for those good things to occur, though, other people must have bad things happen to them. There can be no good without bad."

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rose_tinted
2012-03-11 12:06 am UTC (link)

"No," Rose said simply. "That's not how things work. The only balance in life is the balance we make. Ian died so my life was saved, that's not some massive cosmic balance, that's me fucking up. Bad shit happened to me, so I made bad shit happen to other people. There's no fucking balance. Probability doesn't work that way. Anyway, sure I'd like to believe the world's fair and balanced, but there's nothing fair or balanced about some random kid becoming the universe's fall guy."

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	angeloffire 2012-03-11 12:08 am UTC (link)
	"Someone has to," Gabriel said, finally starting to rub his foot again. "I make do the best I can." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rose_tinted 2012-03-12 12:29 am UTC (link)
	"Nobody has to!" Rose snapped, exasperated. "Jesus fuck, you're acting like it's ok for shit to happen to you. The universe didn't fuck you over, people did. And that's their fault, not yours or God's or whoever's. Just theirs!" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	angeloffire 2012-03-12 12:52 am UTC (link)
	"So it's people's fault that my family was killed in a fire?" Gabriel asked, looking over at Rose again. "That I was raised in the community run by Jeffs? That Mr. Johnson died? These are all ways that people did things to me?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rose_tinted 2012-03-12 02:31 am UTC (link)
	"It might be someone's fault that your family was killed in a fire. Pretty sure it's not yours. It's Jeffs' fault he's a child-abusing, fucked-up son of a bitch. It's not anyone's fault Mr Johnson's dead, but how is that your problem?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

angeloffire
2012-03-12 11:00 am UTC (link)

He was the only adult who actually talked to me.

"Really?" Gabriel asked, raising an eyebrow. "The pyromaniac son who escaped with no injuries from the fire that killed six other people is "pretty sure" not the person who started it?" He gave a little huff, leaning forward a little as he worked at the tightness in his foot. "You have more faith in me than I do."

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	rose_tinted 2012-03-14 01:31 am UTC (link)
	"Sure I do," she shrugged. "Somebody has to. And it'd be hard to have less. Fuck's sake, Gabriel, why would you have?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	angeloffire 2012-03-14 01:33 am UTC (link)
	"Because I was a kid," Gabriel said, not even bothering to argue with Rose's point that he really didn't have much faith in himself. "Kids do stupid things." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

rose_tinted
2012-03-14 02:12 am UTC (link)

"If it was an accident on your part, it wouldn't be your fault. Not really. It's sad and shitty and horrible but if you started that fire, it wouldn't be because you were a bad person or cursed or anything, it'd just mean you rolled a crit fail on the dice of life." As she said that, she know how hollow it sounded, even though she meant every word. It was just so hard to know what to say in the face of the almighty fuckery of Gabriel's life.

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	angeloffire 2012-03-14 10:50 am UTC (link)
	"Which is rather my point," Gabriel said. "If someone rolls a... a crit success, then someone else must roll a crit fail for the balance of probabilities to even out. My lot in life is to roll crit fails." He shrugged tiredly. "I'm getting used to it." (Reply to this) (Parent)

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