Title: The Extrodinary Life of Brian the Plastic Bottle.
Alternate Title: Toy Story XXX
Author: softly_sweetly
Characters/Pairings: OMC, Teddy/Al, Harry/Ginny, James/James' Right Hand
Rating: NC17
Kinks/Themes Chosen: Cock rings.
Other Warnings: First person. An attempt at humour. Crack. To use this story to its fullest extent, please obey the following four rules. 1) Suspend all disbelief; 2) Pour a glass of wine; 3) Put your tongue in your cheek; 4) Enjoy!
Word Count: ~1900
Summary/Description:This is the life of Brian.
Author's Notes: I blame the wine; this makes sense after a bottle and a half. This is for R, who makes me smile far more than reincarnated plastic. Have a wonderful day, babe.




The pain finally stopped, and I was enveloped in darkness for what felt like a thousand lifetimes. When the darkness finally lifted, it felt like being born again, and I rejoiced in the harsh fluorescent light.

I suppose I should introduce myself. I'm Brian, and this is my life.

I was born in the dark, I suppose, but don't really remember it. My first memories are of light, bright light as I sat on a cold shelf, surrounded by my brothers and sisters. I was full of life, and full of coke. Snuggled in with my siblings I could watch the world go by, and it was good. I watched them be chosen, one by one, just waiting for my day to come. And finally it did. A beautiful young man, no older than twenty-five, wrapped his fingers around me, smiling and laughing with his friend as he carried me over to the gatekeeper, paying my fair and taking me through the doors and into the wide world.

We had such fun; there aren't enough pages in the world to write our story. Even when I was empty, and sure I would be discarded, he filled me up again, giving me new life and treating me each time like I was new again. Even when my label peeled away, the lettering scratched off my cap, he kept me by his side. I watched him sit exams, full of water and support for him. I jostled in his bag on the day he proposed to his girlfriend. We were friends.

And then one day, either not knowing our bond, or not caring, his fiancée was cleaning up, and I was thrown into blackness. It smelled of death and cat food, and though there was frequent movement, the smell never faded, and the blackness never abated. I was alone.

My death was painful, heat surrounding me as my body melted away from me. I wanted to give up, but couldn't quite let go. So I floundered, formless and in pain, until the heat began to lessen. As I cooled, I felt myself taking form. A new form, a form that included new particles floating around me. But a form. My happiness was fleeting, as I was soon encased in a prison of hard plastic, which had no desire to speak to me, only demanding I "shut the hell up, bitch" whenever I tried to make conversation. In blackness again, I was alone.

Until now. Although I am still guarded by a stern warden, I am in the light. But before I can acquaint myself with my new surroundings, a vision of perfection approaches me. Tousled black hair, piercing green eyes, he looks worried as he holds my warden, and I wonder if they are negotiating my release. I hope that he can convince the warden... I need to be free of these bars, need to feel human touch again.

Freedom!

Red in the face from his debate with my captor, my green-eyed boy takes me to the gatekeeper and places down a crisp purple note, sliding me safely into his jacket as he leaves the shop. And though my captor is coming with me, I am free.

In new surroundings my captor is slain by giant swords, soldered together to break even the toughest enemies. And I am in human hands again, being stroked and examined like a lover, being...

...this boy has no manners! Happy as I am to be free, I did not consent to having anything put up there! Clearly my consent means nothing, nor does common decency! As if probing me was not enough, he invites someone else in. And alluring as she is, all creamy skin and long red hair, I would rather not have witnesses to my violation.

I've never seen skin quite like this before – it's red and stiff, while still being smooth. Looking around me as much as I can, it doesn't take long to work out where I am. My captor, lying defeated on the floor, bears my name printed across his chest, a crude marker of ownership.

Vibrating Cock Ring!

I have no idea what this means, but as my sides are gently pushed, shudders run through my body, fast and hard. The boy moans, the girl moans with him. She's moving towards us, climbing on top of us...

...what the hell is that? Oh god, it's getting closer. And closer. There's a hole, and it's wet... OH!

Oooh. Oooh, now this, I like. Clearly they do too – their language is thoroughly inappropriate, but the noises... this, I can get used to. Fuck, yes, ride us harder, Ginny!


♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥


As exciting as a relationship is when you're just beginning, it soon fizzles out. And though my relationship with Harry and Ginny lasted years, children and jobs take their toll. And while I would never begrudge the three bundles of joy I helped bring into the world, their existence and the encroachment of middle-age took its toll on our sex life. Though truth be told, I had been feeling tired for a while, so when I was nestled in between some friendly socks – Mark and Anthony, who had tales of Venice and Spain, and other places they'd visited with the large, and somewhat intimidating duffle bag named Clyde – I was happy.

However, as my mother said, the Devil makes work for idle plastics. And I soon found myself bickering with Gary and Neville, sparking fights with Biff and Bob the Boxers. And the way I treated Yasmina the Y-Fronts was shameful. So I'm grateful when fingers finally wrap around me, and I am pulled into the light. But not by Harry, or by Ginny. I recognise this boy, and quickly do the sums. James, and he must be nearly sixteen. How time flies.

It's strange, that he's coming for me, but I'm so grateful to be out in the air again I don't mind. I don't even mind when I'm tossed carelessly onto the bed, and a door is slammed. His parents and I have told him about slamming doors. When a pair of jeans go flying past me, I focus my attention in on James.

My my, at least he takes after his father in some ways.

It almost feels disloyal, to be sliding around someone else. But I'm bored and alone, seemingly forgotten by Harry and Ginny. One time with James won't hurt anyone. As long as I don't think about the morality involved in sleeping with Harry's son. And he's so eager, sliding me on and turning me on almost simultaneously. As the vibrations wash through me I feel at peace again. A big, strong man letting g me surround him. I even enjoy the way James' hand keeps bumping against me. It's rough, and I'm sure I'll be bruised in the morning, but by god I like it. Fuck the bruises, let Harry see my marks and know I'm a free agent if he doesn't want me. And James is so eager, moaning and whimpering as he strokes himself, letting me work my magic on him. I'm a fucking sex god, and I'm going to make him scream.


♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥


James is a fickle bastard, and I hate him. He means nothing to me.

And I am certainly not pining for his contact again. If he thinks he can use me once and then hide me back in with Mark and Anthony and pretend that our relationship never existed, then that's his look-out. Sod him, and all his horses. And yet his name is still on my lips when light filters into my consciousness, and I am pulled out into the world.

For a moment, I think it's Harry. But this Harry is young, barely twenty, unlined and without the smattering of grey in his hair. Albus Severus.

"Al... really?"

"I heard Jamie on the Floo once, he said they were great. Come on, we only have a few hours before everyone's home!"

I don't know his partner, but the shock of turquoise hair, and the inquisitive eyes, quickly pique my attention. They take me into a room decorated with Quidditch posters, who seem to honestly think sneering down at me makes them better than me. They may occupy the high ground, but I am the one ensconced in a warm hand, listening to excited whispers. Al is bigger than his brother, bigger than his father, and I'm stretched to my limit as he slides me down his shaft. It feels incredible, and I watch as his partner eyes me, curiosity and confusion mixing in clear blue eyes. In all my life I've never felt lips on me, so when Al's partner swallows his cock down and brushes his lips over me, I wish I were turned on so that I could shudder.

"Fuck, Teddy."

Teddy is a good name for the boy; he looks soft and innocent. His eyes never leave me as he works his mouth up and down Al's cock, drooling and moaning as he sucks. And then sheer bliss as I am turned on, and Teddy is turning around. Whether it's surprise at the arse that is presented to me, or just taking a moment to warm up after such a long period alone and unused I don't know. But it seems harder to move, harder to shake and tremble, even though I'm watching Al penetrate Teddy, and it's an incredible sight.

But I can't seem to move. I'm oh so tired, lethargy setting in to every part of me. And the world is so black, the darkness creeping in around me. I think I'm dying...


"Oh, fuck, batteries are dead."

"Do you have spares?"

"Dunno... they'd be in Dad's room. Fuck it, where's my wand?"

"I don’t know if..."

"Teddy, don't worry. We have a TV, remember? I'm good at charging Muggle shit the magical way."


...And then it's bright again, and I'm shaking harder than ever before, bouncing against Al's cock as Teddy pushes tight against him. This is divine, and I strain to try and make Al go faster, but he either doesn't realise, or is strong enough to resist. I can't see much from here, but by god I can hear it, and feel it, as skin slaps against skin and I take part in it, squished between two gorgeous men. A rush of flesh and sweat and curse words, all jumbled together as I do my best to make sure these two never forget my name.

They come first – I'm a considerate lover like that – and I keep on shaking, prolonging the pleasure until I'm turned off gently. With Al and Teddy, it felt like nothing I've ever experienced before. When I'm slipped off Al, I fantasise of snuggling down somewhere warm and dwelling on all these new memories, but instead of being stored, I'm stretched out again. And slipped onto another cock.

This relationship is for life. I can feel it. And as I'm turned back on and watch Al position himself above Teddy's body, I realise that for a lowly bottle called Brian, I've done pretty well for myself.