Daily Deviant
- there is no such thing as 'too kinky'
Fic: Everyone's Gone Bananas, NC-17, Severus/Remus/Sirius/Harry 
20th January 2009 18:45
Title: Everyone's Gone Bananas
Author: [info]eeyore9990
Characters: Harry/Remus/Severus/Sirius
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Gang bang(Group Sex), DWD (Deaths? What deaths?), Everyone is alive by the power of porn, rimming
Themes/kinks chosen: Rimming, Threesome (Everything Old is New)
Word Count: 2764
Summary: A bit of penii comparison leads to speculation about the size of Snape's cock. What better way to find out than to approach the subject "head" on?

The bowl of bananas sat in the middle of the table, completely innocent. Deceptively so. The considering looks they were receiving from the three men seated at different intervals around the table should have caused them to leap from their skins and run.



"Which one?"

Remus turned to look at Harry, who was wearing a slightly worried expression. "The, err, middle one."

Harry flushed slightly, avoiding Remus' gaze as he said, "Same?"

"Aww, Harry, it's all right. You get it from your dad, you know. He was the smallest of us all." Sirius leaned forward, planting his elbows on the table as he winked at Harry.

Harry looked back up and pulled a face. "Not sure if I should thank you for that or not. Does anyone ever want to know about their dad's tackle?"

Sirius shrugged and went back to his perusal of the bananas. "I bet Snivellus' is tiny."

Remus snorted, one finger running down the bridge of his nose as he said, "I doubt it. He's probably bigger than me."

This time it was Sirius' turn to be sceptical. "Remus, love, you're monstrous. And it has nothing to do with your little time of the month problem."

"Five Galleons says he's seven inches… or smaller." Harry was grinning now that the attention was off his own mostly average package.

Sirius shook his head. "If he's over six, I'll eat my own pants."

"Easy enough to promise when you don't own any. Money or nothing, Padfoot."

"Fine, I'll front five Galleons, too."

"So that's seven to Harry, six to you, and I'll go with anything bigger than seven."


That settled, silence once more descended over the room as the men went back to staring at the bananas that had started them down this path. Harry's chair creaked as he pushed it onto two legs.

"So… how do we find out?"

"We could hang him upside down again?" Sirius looked far too eager at that, causing Remus to shoot him a dirty look.

"We go to his room and seduce him, of course."

Harry choked and the legs of his chair slid sideways, causing him to tumble to the floor with a loud clatter. He winced and knelt up, peering over the edge of the table to ask, "What did you say?"

Remus sighed and said, "We're all enamoured of the male body, and I've always had a," he coughed, "special interest in what Snape had under his robes." At Sirius' gobsmacked look, he merely shrugged. "I've always been drawn to the smart ones."

"Which would, of course, explain your attachment to me," Sirius said dryly.

Harry laughed at that, but the eager glint in his eyes and the bulge in his trousers bespoke his own feelings for the object of their mostly-collective desires.

Sirius shrugged. "You know me, I'm game."

"That was never in question, you unrepentant slut." Remus smiled as Sirius did a quick switch to dog and back again.

"Woof, woof, darling."

"So… do we all go, or what?" Harry asked.

"There is a certain strength in numbers."

"A bit like confusing a boggart, then?" Harry and Remus shared a private grin at that while Sirius simply bounded out of the room ahead of them.

"Oh hell, he'll ruin the whole thing."

They rushed from the room, but weren't in time to stop Sirius from flinging open the door to the library and shouting, "Happy fucking birthday!"

Remus and Harry appeared behind Sirius then, Remus utilizing a quick smack to the back of Sirius' head while Harry just wrung his hands and hopped from one foot to the other.

Obviously unfazed by Remus' abuse, Sirius sauntered into the room and flopped down onto the arm of the chair Severus was using. Sliding his arm along the back of the chair to trail his fingers over Severus' shoulder, Sirius leaned down and whispered in his ear, just as Harry and Remus simultaneously shouted, "No!"

Severus closed the book on his lap and looked up, glowering at them all individually before he said, "I've never felt the desire to measure it."


"I don't lie."

Harry cleared his throat before he said, "He really doesn't. You've never—?"

"Partaken in such juvenile pursuits?"

"Well, yeah. I mean, you were a boy once…"

"I have an excellent idea!" Sirius said, tugging lightly on a lock of Severus' hair.

"No, you don't." There wasn't the slightest hint of doubt in Severus' tone. Sighing heavily, he pushed Sirius off the arm of the chair, not even flinching when Sirius, sprawled on the floor, held up an arm, showing a few strands of black hair hanging from his fingers.

"I could just use this and Polyjuice into you to find out."

"What do you want, you horrible cretins?"

Remus stepped into the room, casting an apologetic look at Severus before he said, "We really didn't mean to interrupt your reading, Severus. Our mission was obviously a 'juvenile' one and I am sorry to have disturbed you."

Harry practically deflated. "So we're not going to seduce him, then?" burst from him. "Oh, God, did I say that out loud?" he then whispered, obviously mortified.

"Seduce me?" Severus asked, blinking once before turning to look at Remus for confirmation since Sirius was still rolling around on the floor.

Remus shrugged and nodded. "It seemed like a good idea at the time."


"Remus', of course. He's always had a thing for you, apparently. Plus, he thinks you've a big cock, and he's a size queen."

"Which would, of course, explain his relationship with you."

"It's scary how much we think alike, considering how greatly we dislike one another."

"So does this mean you're not completely against the idea?" Harry, obviously impatient with all the discussion, cut to the heart of the matter.

"Potter, calm down before you spend yourself in your pants. I am still considering all the many ramifications."

The fire crackled in the hearth while three of the occupants of the library waited for Severus to make a decision.

"As it is my birthday, I will agree on one condition."

Remus smiled slowly. "And that is?"

"I will have the only wand."

"Bugger tha—"

"Done!" Remus said, speaking over Sirius. Harry was too busy adjusting himself in his trousers to say much of anything.

"Is there a bed in this house big enough for the four of us?"

Everyone looked to Sirius, who used his wand to transfigure the sofa into a bed that could have easily slept ten. "Since I won't be able to use it for anything fun."

"Imagine all the things you can do with your other wand, and give that to me."

Sirius sighed, but handed his wand to Severus, who placed it carefully upon the mantel before Summoning Remus and Harry's wands. With a slash of his own, all four men were naked.

"Oh, damn," Harry said, staring in awe at the object of their curiosity. "And you're not even hard yet."

"I would like to take this opportunity to say 'I told you so'," Remus murmured, wiping the corner of his mouth with his thumb.

"Bloody hell, there goes my five Galleons."

"It's worth it," Harry said breathlessly before jumping onto the bed. "How are we going to do this?"

Severus stroked one hand over his chin, considering the bed and the three men in the room with him, his eyes occasionally straying below the waist. "I should very much like to fuck Black and Potter. Lupin, do you know how to use that thing?"

Remus' grin was slow. "Of course."

"You and Black first. After which I will bugger Potter's brains out—what little he possesses—and we'll decide where to go from there."

Harry gurgled on the bed, his hand squeezing his cock hard. "Oh, God, you can't talk like that or I'll come."

"Feel free to do so. You'll recover." Severus waved his wand around the room, casting locking and silencing spells to keep their activities private.

Sirius grinned rather evilly and crawled onto the bed, not stopping until he was close enough to take Harry's cock in his mouth. "Oh God, oh God, oh….. nghgn!" Harry's scream of completion rent the air.

"Do not fall asleep, Potter."

"Wouldn't dream of it," Harry gasped, watching through crossed eyes as Sirius crawled further up on the bed before flopping over onto his back and lifting his knees to his chest, spreading them wide and wider until he had them pressed into the mattress on either side of him.

"He's very bendy," Remus said, "which would actually account for our continued relationship."

"That, and I'm completely irresistible."

"Not as much as you might imagine."

"Says the man who's about to bugger my brains out."

"No, he's going to bugger my brains out. He wants you first, for practice."

Sirius dropped his legs back to the bed to lean over and crack the flat of his hand against Harry's arse. "Cheeky brats get what they deserve, Harry. Remember that."

"If anyone is to spank the impertinence out of Potter, it will be me, Black. Understood?" Even Harry blinked in astonishment at the possessive bite in Severus' tone, though it was Sirius who winced when Severus grabbed the wrist of the hand he'd used on Harry in a grip that was visibly painful.

"Ohh, yeah, hurt me more." Sirius waggled his eyebrows lasciviously even as he rolled his wrist in Severus' grip. "Do it harder, Snivel—"

"Sirius!" Remus voice was as harsh and commanding as Harry had ever heard it. "Shut up before you ruin this for us all."

"His mouth needs put to better use."

"Oh wait!" Harry rolled onto his hands and knees. "I have an idea, but I need my wand."

"Tell me your idea, and I'll decide whether it has merit."

"Conjure a muzzle for him!"

Sirius practically glowed at the suggestion, which put a slight frown on Severus' face. "I think a ball gag, instead, as I have no plan to indulge in bestiality tonight." Harry cocked his head to one side, prompting Severus to roll his eyes and say, "Or ever," as he fastened the buckle of the ball gag, securing it in Sirius' wide-stretched mouth.

Remus crawled up the bed, nearly draping himself over Severus' back as he leaned in to whisper, "I'm ready when you are." His cock prodding Severus' thigh seemed to reinforce that fact.

"Fine," Severus said, and his voice was only very slightly breathless. "Lubricious totalus!"

Harry gasped, squirming as he felt his arse cleaned, loosened, and close to dripping with magically conjured lube. Sirius and Remus likewise squirmed, but only Remus and Severus' cocks shone dully with their own layer of lubrication.

"I'm going to penetrate the mutt. Once I've done so, you will enter me. From the moment you complete penetration, you are to remain utterly still. I will set the pace of this… session. To ensure that you do not forget yourself, Potter will indulge you with a bit of rimming." Though Severus' words were for Remus, his gaze never left Harry. "Do you have any objections, Potter?"

Harry gulped, but shook his head, already worrying that he was going to spill before anyone else, even though he'd so recently achieved orgasm.


Remus' acceptance of the plan was practically a purr as he nuzzled the side of Severus' neck. For his part, Sirius simply arranged his legs flat on either side of himself once again, his posture nearly begging Severus to fuck him.

And so he did.

With a slow, firm push, Severus slid fully into Sirius, forcing a whine from deep in Sirius' throat. Severus made no sound, though his lips slid back from his teeth in a grimace of pleasure.

"Are you ready?" Remus asked quietly, though the three other men could clearly hear him.

"Yes. Get on with it."

With slow, short, rocking thrusts, Remus inched his way inside Severus until he could go no further. One long-fingered hand gripped Remus' hip hard, holding him still.

"Potter? What are you waiting for?" Severus asked from between his teeth.

Harry started, but quickly arranged himself behind Remus, his legs drawn up under himself as his hands parted Remus' arse cheeks. Leaning forward, he opened his mouth over Remus' arsehole, his tongue immediately wriggling against the tightly-furled ring. Remus shouted, his hips jerking uncontrollably, though the combined grip of Harry and Severus kept him locked reasonably in place.

As soon as Remus regained control of himself—with some obvious effort, as his twitching muscles demonstrated—Severus began moving forward and back, plunging into Sirius before slamming backward onto Remus, grinding his arse against Remus' groin. Harry whimpered with each push of Remus' arse into his face, the sounds rolling through the room setting a clear image of what was happening.

"Touch yourself, Black," Severus whispered fiercely, his cheeks tinged a dull red. "I want to watch you spill yourself all over your chest as you watch me—me—fuck you. Do not close your eyes. Look only at me. Touch yourself."

Harry felt Remus' inner muscles flutter around the tip of his tongue and knew he was close. As the pace from the other side of Remus increased, obvious from the frequency and force of Remus being pushed back against him, Harry pursed his lips around the tiny hole, sealing the area before giving a small suckle.

Remus shouted, bucking forward as Harry's manoeuvre pushed him over the brink of orgasm. Harry crawled quickly to the side, wide eyes taking in the gorgeous sight of Remus' body jerking spasmodically against Severus even as Sirius' back bowed, long spurts of come jetting out of his cock, which he held in a tight grip in his hand. Harry pulled his gaze away from Sirius to stare open-mouthed at Severus, but to his surprise, Severus went still, his eyes closed in a look of extreme concentration.

"Get off of me, Lupin," Severus whispered harshly, his eyes snapping open as he turned and speared Harry with a look.

Remus pulled out gingerly before flopping backward, his harsh pants echoed hollowly by Sirius, who still wore his ball gag.

As soon as Remus was clear of him, Severus… leapt. Grabbing Harry by the arms, he flipped him onto his back, jerking his legs up and over Severus' shoulders and leaning forward, bracing his arms on the bed on either side of Harry's head. Harry's breath caught at the fierce gleam in Severus' eyes before bursting out of him on a scream of pleasure when Severus plunged fully into his arse.

The spell Severus had used had lost none of its potency in the intervening time. Harry reached above himself, straightening his arm as much as possible against the top of the bed as he tried in vain to move with Severus. When that failed—his position wouldn't allow any movement—Harry tossed his head on the pillow and groaned, reaching down for his prick.

Severus slapped his hand away. "You'll come on my cock or not at all," he grunted, redoubling his efforts to fuck Harry through the mattress. He shifted slightly, adjusting Harry's legs, and slammed forward, and when he did, Harry's mouth dropped open on a silent shout. Harry's hands grabbed Severus' arms, and his body curled in on itself as pleasure moved in a visible wave through him.

"Again," Harry finally said, his voice nothing but a broken gasp.

Pulling out, Severus snapped his hips forward again, the angle of his delivery identical. That set the pace. For several long minutes, the bed shook with the force of Severus' thrusts, until shallow dips on either side of Harry caused him to blink dully past the pleasure spiking through his body to note Sirius and Remus kneeling over he and Severus, their half-erect cocks pointed down at him as they both slowly wanked to the picture he and Severus made.

"Oh God," Harry whispered, wide eyes frantically snapping back to Severus as his balls drew up tight against his body.

"Come for me, Potter."

With that, whatever resistance Harry had fell away and his body jerked in the grip of the best orgasm of his life, his come landing in uneven spatters to pool on his belly and chest. One last thrust saw Severus joining him, the pulsing of his cock in Harry's arse prolonging Harry's own orgasm until he was writhing on the bed, lost in pleasure.

Just before he lost consciousness, Harry felt a cleaning spell wash over him and heard, whispered so quietly he was sure it was his imagination, "Mine."
21st January 2009 03:01
Oh, my. o_0
21st January 2009 03:22
Wow! Huh! OMG! Now I need a shower...

"Harry practically deflated. "So we're not going to seduce him, then?" burst from him." This was the point where I practically fell off my chair laughing... Bless him :D
21st January 2009 03:24
Oh, yum!

"I would like to take this opportunity to say 'I told you so'," Remus murmured, wiping the corner of his mouth

And possessive!Snape too...

Hot and funny. What more could a girl ask for? ;D
21st January 2009 05:41
Hee! I love that you had to gag Sirius! I mean, I can just see him making inappropriate comment after inappropriate comment and ruining the whole thing! Great job, Eey!
21st January 2009 06:35
Whew. *wipes sweaty forehead*
21st January 2009 07:42
Thank you. I must now change my panties. :D
21st January 2009 08:32
Dear lord, this is just what I needed to read. *fans self* Thank you, Eey. *hugs*
21st January 2009 09:48
I like the sound of that final comment by Severus!
21st January 2009 09:56
Too much fun!!
21st January 2009 12:34
How can you do very funny very very very hot secks? This shouldn't be possible. I am dying through trying not to laugh and have the small child ask me what's funny, and through trying not to shift in my seat and have the small child ask an even more inappropriate question about what's wrong with me....
21st January 2009 13:36
Sirius shook his head. "If he's over six, I'll eat my own pants."

"Easy enough to promise when you don't own any. Money or nothing, Padfoot."
*dies laughing*

Brilliant little fic. I like Remus drooling over Severus
21st January 2009 18:08
Awesome! So many funny lines especially -

Harry practically deflated. "So we're not going to seduce him, then?" burst from him.

"Oh, damn," Harry said, staring in awe at the object of their curiosity. "And you're not even hard yet."

"I would like to take this opportunity to say 'I told you so'," Remus murmured, wiping the corner of his mouth with his thumb.

Love Remus wanting Snape since I ship Snupin.

I love funny slash fics like this and possessive!Snape. Great job! ^_^
21st January 2009 21:56
Wonderful blend of teh funny and teh smexx. Very hott and melty. :D
21st January 2009 23:32
Fantastic premise and execution. Oh, and this line:

"After which I will bugger Potter's brains out—what little he possesses—and we'll decide where to go from there."

Had me rolling around with laughter.
22nd January 2009 03:31
Eee, what smutty fun! :D Loved Possessive!Snape too, but when do I never? *g*
22nd January 2009 03:52
Everyone is alive by the power of porn

lol, cute warning.

"Five Galleons says he's seven inches… or smaller."

Awww, a not unrespectable size, itself. Ah well, I suppose this is pron...

"Which would, of course, explain your attachment to me," Sirius said dryly.


"Oh, God, you can't talk like that or I'll come."
"Feel free to do so. You'll recover."

*sporfle* Well he is the youngun of the group...

"Oh God, oh God, oh….. nghgn!" Harry's scream of completion rent the air.

So soon? Booorrriinnng... although I suppose it affords ample opportunity for, ah, recovery...

Just before he lost consciousness, Harry felt a cleaning spell wash over him and heard, whispered so quietly he was sure it was his imagination, "Mine."

22nd January 2009 07:19
I think there's steam coming outta my ears...

22nd January 2009 09:24
Hot Damn, woman!!!! *drool* That's better than a scone with my morning latte'!!! And the snarkiness!!! It was perfect!!
22nd January 2009 09:46
Very hot and lovely work! I love the way all four interact with each other. Well done!~Sophia
22nd January 2009 09:48 - blubering ideot...droooooooooooooooling

GHUUUUU...... is dead
23rd January 2009 04:56
"Oh God," Ina whispered...

That was magnificent. Loved Snape taking control. Too many delicious lines to quote.

Goes and has shower.
23rd January 2009 18:17
That was so hard and fast, I forgot to breathe again! Porn keeps doing that to me....

Hummm. *taps chin* Who said Mine? Well, since it's me and you, I'll say Severus claimed the lot of them. *grin*

Thank you so much for the deep breathing exercises! *hugs*

love, lore
24th January 2009 23:18
I don't even vaguely have enough expletives to express how wonderful this story was.

25th January 2009 00:42
FABULOUS, Eey! Loved it. *g*
And yay for ending with Snarry. ;)
29th January 2009 18:56
Guh that's hot! Brilliant fic :)
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