Daily Deviant
- there is no such thing as 'too kinky'
4th December 2008 06:47
Title: Getting In On The Christmas Spirit
Author: [info]iamisaac
Characters Severus/Remus, Sirius/Buckbeak (implied)
Rating: Hard R
Kinky Kristmas 2008
Requester: [info]nehalenia, Character/Pairing: Snape/any Marauder/s (well, maybe not Peter)
Kink: wall!sex
Holiday item or location: Panto (Chart dared me)
Tone: humour, I'm thinking
Word Count: 1500ish
Summary: Christmas in Grimmauld Place is not so grim as it is crazy.
Author's notes: Oh, go on, then. As I'm awake at this ridiculous hour of the morning, you can have both of my fics for today.
Apologies if any of the people represented appear to conform in the least to canon. I don’t quite know what came over me when writing this, but probably everyone had better hope it doesn’t happen again.

“Oh Snapey…”

Severus looked around suspiciously, wondering where the voice had come from; wondering, indeed, whose voice it was.

“Yes?” he snapped.

“Look behind you!” came a second voice.

Severus spun on the spot, and caught a shimmering glimpse of a figure.

“Now you see him, now you don’t,” chuckled the first voice.

Severus froze. He knew that voice. Should, indeed, have known from the moment he was called ‘Snapey’. (Had he ever mentioned how Very Much he hated being called Snapey? Probably: that was no doubt why Sirius Black insisted on calling him that.) Which meant… Severus glared at the spot where the figure had disappeared… that the other must be Lupin.

“I know where you are,” he said grimly.

“Oh no you don’t,” Remus’s voice said, from a position to his left.

“Oh yes I do,” Severus said.

“Oh no you don’t,” said Sirius. His voice seemed to be coming from above Severus, but surely that was impossible. There was no way that he could be flying a broom inside Grimmauld Place, surely? And if he were… Severus just prevented himself from taking a quick look upwards… then his feet would be just about at head level.

“Oh no I don’t,” said Severus.

“Oh yes you…” Sirius’s words were cut off as Severus made a grab in the air just in front of him and hauled on a suddenly visible foot. “…do,” he finished, somewhat indignantly.

“What, Black, do you think you’re playing at?” Severus demanded.

“Where’s your Christmas spirit, Snapey-boy?”

Snape sniffed. “You smell as if you have had more than enough Christmas spirit for the both of us.”

“Oh no I…”

“And don’t start that again,” Severus snapped.

“Spoilsport. Re-moony, ‘sall up. The Snapester has caught us.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Severus saw Remus appear. Apparently, he had been using a Disillusionment charm to keep out of sight. However, Severus had more important things to worry about. “Snapey” was bad; “Snapey-boy” was even worse, but The Snapester? That was beyond the pale.

“I am not,” he affirmed slowly and clearly, “in any shape or any form ‘The Snapester’.”

“To be fair,” Remus commented, “I’m not usually known as Re-moony, either.”

“Well, Moon-us, then,” Sirius offered.

Remus obliged; turning around, he liftedhis robes, exposing a pale arse.

“What on earth are you doing, Lupin?” Severus was torn between horror and a momentary realisation that actuallyRemus had a very nice arse.

“What I’m told,” said Remus indignantly.


“Sirius. He asked me to moon you.”

“God’s sake, Moony!” Sirius gave his friend a push, and Remus stumbled against the curtained picture on the wall, which flew open.


“Oh no we’re not,” chorused Sirius and Remus.


“Oh no we're not.”


“D’you think she’s really a man dressed up as a woman?” Remus asked, as Severus leapt forward and shut the curtains once more.

“Oh God,” Severus groaned, “I shouldn’t think there’s any Christmas Spirit left after you two have been at it.”

“Oh yes there…”


“Well, there is! Here!” Sirius felt inside his robes and brought out a half-empty bottle. “C’m’on, Snapey, there’s enough for you to have some.”

“Thank you, no,” said Severus coldly.

Sirius advanced on him, holding up the bottle; and Remus came in from the other side.

“Drink!” insisted Sirius.

Severus, the bottle forced to his lips, was obliged to gulp a large mouthful of… actually, very potable spirit. Remus, apparently from nowhere, started a chant.

“We like to drink with Severus,
Cos Severus is our mate.
He lives for fornication
And he likes to stay up late.”

Severus found himself taking another large gulp in surprise.

“What did you say?”

“Yeah, Moony, what did you say?”

Severus was unnerved to find Sirius in agreement with him. Remus shrugged apologetically.

“I used to live next door to a boy scout.”

“I thought they were the holier than thou lot,” objected Sirius.

“Apparently not,” said Severus dryly, taking advantage of the confusion to have a third large swig of Christmas Spirit.

“And anyway,” Sirius added, “he’s not our mate.”

Remus pouted.

“He might not be your mate, but he’s mine, aren’t you, Severus?”

“Moon-us!” objected Sirius.

Remus turned round and Severus gave a yelp.

“Not again. Or I shall not be responsible for my actions,” he said hastily. “And by the way, Lupin, why are you wearing no underwear?”

“Ease of access,” Remus explained.

Severus recoiled.

“Oh God, you don’t mean to tell me that you and Black…”

“Not me, Snapey-Wapey,” Sirius said cheerfully. “You.”

“Are you sure you won’t be responsible for your actions?” Remus added hopefully.


Remus mooned him again, and Severus found himself drawn almost hypnotically towards the bare bottom.

“You might need this,” said Sirius, throwing him a tube of lube. “Oh, and make sure to draw the curtains: my mother hasn’t had any excitement for a long time. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to have a private moment with the Christmas Spirit and a Hippogryff.” He lurched forward and took back the bottle from Severus, then pinged the curtains on Walburga Black open as he wavered unsteadily upstairs, singing “Remus has no pants on, Remus has no pants on….”

“CREATURE OF DARKNESS, WEREWOLF….OOOOOOOH,” said Walburga, suddenly changing tack, “NICE ARSE!”

“Isn’t it?” agreed Severus, lubing his fingers liberally and pushing one inside Remus.

Remus looked over one shoulder coyly.

“Do you really think so?”

“No, Lupin, I am sticking my fingers in your arse because I find it excessively ugly,” Severus retorted. “I will shortly stick my cock in it for the same reason.”

“OOH YES,” screeched Walburga Black, clearly having the time of her life. “THAT ARSE IS JUST RIPE FOR ROGERING.”

“I am aware,” said Severus, opening his own robes to display his similar lack of underwear, and thoroughly coating his cock.

Remus, still looking over his shoulder, frowned a little.

“Well, why have you got no pants on?”

Severus lifted an eyebrow.

“Ease of egress.”

“Of what?”

“It is easier to fuck someone when you have no underwear,” Severus explained slowly.

“GET ON WITH IT!” bellowed Mrs Black, clearly bored by the lack of action.

“Bend over, Lupin, hands against the wall,” said Severus in a bored tone.

Remus obediently did as he was instructed, and Severus thrust inside him.

“THAT’S THE WAY TO DO IT,” said Walburga enthusiastically. “NOW, A HAND ROUND THE FRONT AND GET HIS DICK.”

“Thank you,” said Severus, “I had intended so doing.”

He reached a slippery hand round to grasp Remus firmly by the cock, and Remus groaned in encouragement. Severus started to move, both his hand and his body, to encouragement from Walburga.


Severus’s hand was moving slowly still, as he worked himself up. He was thrusting shallowly inside Remus, each thrust moving him a little deeper.


Remus was groaning “yes, yes,” and Severus was thinking that perhaps Christmas Spirit had something to say for it, as he felt the beautiful tightness around his cock.


His own breath was unsteady now, and he could feel beads of sweat forming on his forehead. Remus’s hands were still flat against the wall, but he was thrusting his hips back against Severus with desperate ardour.


Walburga’s encouragement was getting louder, if possible; Severus had to strain to hear the sweet sounds that Remus was making: little huffy sounds like a squeaking gate. He pushed his hands under Remus’s robes and ran them up his back, digging his nails in.


And Severus, as if obeying orders, jerked hard on Remus’s cock so that his lover was spurting a spray of come across the ugly wall; and then Severus was coming, hard, his fingers clenching against Remus’s skin.


When he had recovered his breath, the first thing Severus did was to draw the curtains on the lascivious Mrs Black. From upstairs, he could hear Sirius, still singing, though the song had changed.

“Oh Come, all ye Hippogriffs,
Joyful and delirious
Oh come, darling Buckbeak
In Si-i-rius…”

“Oh ye Gods,” said Severus, despairingly.
4th December 2008 06:13
Oh, wow. It's been a while since I've read something that crackish, lmao. I really enjoyed this and Mrs. Black's comments were hilarious. Excellent work!~Sophia
4th December 2008 10:51
Thank you. Goodness knows where this came from in my psyche. I shudder to think!
4th December 2008 06:53
LMAO! I love Walburga's comments, drunken Sirius, the Snapester (!!!), and Buckbeak! Fabulous crack.
4th December 2008 10:52
I find myself thinking of him as the Snapester. I am then grateful he doesn't know me. Whilst I occasionally have depressive interludes, I do like being alive ;)
4th December 2008 07:58
Oh I do love these three when they get pissed! And in seasonal, panto style too. Brill!

And a special mention to my glorious alter-ego, Walburga. I knew she would have good appreciation of the finer things in life. Hurrah!
4th December 2008 10:53
I don't even LIKE Panto. I blame the prompt - and the person who did the daring, mentioning no names ;)
4th December 2008 11:43

I think Mrs Black shouting encouragement was inspired.
4th December 2008 12:06
I blame Chart for that. I have NEVER written Walburga in my life; then I meet Chart, and soon after that, the bloody Black woman ends up in my fic. Unfair!
4th December 2008 12:35
Ugh, *shudder* - how can this be hot and funny & utterly delightful with Mrs Black present and (implied) hippogriff sex in the background? Deliciously depraved.
4th December 2008 13:04
It's so wrong it's right ;)

I know. I'm sorry. I've never ever even written sex with Sirius as a dog, let alone implied bestiality with hippogriffs. I am pretending I didn't really write this and it's All A Mistake...
4th December 2008 13:14
Very well. And I will pretend I did not read it and enjoy it immensely!
4th December 2008 16:11
Ahahaha! Walburga's ongoing stream of encouragements cracked me up. And Sirius's nicknames! *dies of hilarious*
5th December 2008 01:46
There are not many occasions on which I have found it necessary to google "alternative terms for masturbation" but this was one ;)
5th December 2008 01:47
Hehehe! I'm sure it was time well spent. :D
5th December 2008 01:51

I thought I'd found some good ones, and then I read some actually paid and published erotica using the term 'boffing my dong' and I nearly DIED! I had to get it in somewhere...
4th December 2008 22:31
OMG you picked my prompt!!! Eeeeee! *runs off to read*
4th December 2008 22:49 - This is all Chart's fault
That was bloody hysterical! You know, Chart tried to explain/describe a Panto to me, but now, I think I have a *very* good idea of what one is like. The Walburga Black Cheering Section was not only entertaining but... enlightening. (I'm guessing that sort of cheering section doesn't normally occur in Panto? Or does it?) Sirius singing "Oh Come all ye Hippogryphs, and oh, the lovely wall fucking! Thank you thank you thank you! This was an utter delight! (And very educational.)

*imagines scene while visiting Britain someday in the future -- Neha turns to Chart at Xmas Panto: "So, when does Rogering start?"*
5th December 2008 01:48 - Re: This is all Chart's fault
*g* I ought to be worried about the idea I've given you of Panto, but I'm more amused. There *is* a tendency in panto to have...um... hints of a sexual nature, but not quite as blatant as Walburga ;)
5th December 2008 00:48
*dies laughing*

Methinks I need some Christmas spirit meself...
5th December 2008 01:50
If you read through this, I'm not surprised you need some Christmas spirit ;)
5th December 2008 11:52
And what have you been drinking? OMG, that was painful - in an almost good way. Buckbeak?? •_0
6th December 2008 13:51
See your own icon for an answer...

I really have no idea what happened, but... yeah. I was meeping as I WROTE the damn thing!
5th December 2008 12:32
LOL! I love the smell of crack on a cold winter's evening :D
6th December 2008 13:51
Oh yes. I took crack and cracked it...
5th December 2008 19:13
This, boys and girls, is how one does crack. Oh, no it isn't! Oh yes it is! etc. Walburga's commentary is great. I would almost go as far to say that she's a participant, but perhaps that thought would scar poor Remus & Severus beyond even the thought of Sirius' activities upstairs...
6th December 2008 13:52

Lalala, Walburga sex is pretty much in the same category as hippogriff sex... (In other words, I'm still in denial that I wrote either!)
6th December 2008 00:28
Still not sure what panto is but best part of this fic?

All. of. Mrs. Black's. COMMENTS. HAHAHA OMG. I almost woke up my fam at 1am in the morning last night. XD A very amusing story. =D
6th December 2008 13:53
You should be grateful you don't know panto. I don't even like panto (the male lead is played by a woman; the male lead's mother is played by a man - there's a lot of 'oh no it isn't' involved....) and it STILL happened with this fic. I blame chart. Firmly and thoroughly.

*adores you for laughing aloud*
6th December 2008 13:03
I was reading this while peeking between my fingers (Sirius' mother has that effect on me), and in the midst of laughing out loud. I love that you gave an insight on Remus and Sirius pranking. Brilliant! XD
6th December 2008 13:54
You don't like Walburga involved in sex? SCANDALOUS. Neither do I. WTF made me write it?!?

I have to say, I write a lot of darkfic. But this was WAY more fun to write ;)
6th December 2008 19:02
I can't believe I read Snupin! And didn't die in the process - OK, so I did, but it was a nice, funny death :)

This is great, but you already know it.
7th December 2008 05:57
I'm not sure 'great' is the word everyone would use ;) But it was ever so much fun to write so I'm glad it was fun to read.
7th December 2008 04:11

I never thought I'd ever come to envy Walburga Black - let alone see her as a role model...
7th December 2008 05:59
Oh, the horror! (Just please - please don't use the expression "boff his dong". I read it in a piece of serious, professional, writing and I nearly died... then ran off to add it to this story, because it was too good to waste ;) )
9th December 2008 05:55
OMG ROFL! this is very silly, very funny, very much making me laugh. Nice Snupin, and Oh my! at the SB/B!
Mrs. Black was a hoot.
9th December 2008 08:28
I always wonder with humour whether other people are going to be covering their eyes saying "why did anyone think that was funny?" so it's very reassuring that you laughed :) (IRL, people seem scarily under the impression I don't have a sense of humour. Um, considering it seems to involve bestiality and voyeurism, perhaps on second thoughts I should be glad they don't!)
10th December 2008 03:53
Mrs. Black screaming while the gents were getting busy did have a bit of a train wreck feeling, but I was still totally busting up. ;p

& XD about your humor! ;o
23rd December 2008 14:17
Chart, I swear, you redefine the term Crack.

*smushes* This made me grin like a loon. Thank you! <3

love, lore
23rd March 2010 03:39
My mind is mushy...happy, giggling mush, but mush nonetheless! Being cheered on while Severus' cock is hammering away at Remus' arse was surreal and so oddly hot, I think you fused my circuits!

Thank you so much for having this up!
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