What Was and What Shall Ever BeAuthor: cedarPairing:
Sirius and Remus find that they not only have time to replay old memories, they have time to create new ones.What Was and What Shall Ever Be
"We couldn't hold on to who we were forever," Remus said to himself as he opened another box in the attic of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place. He pulled a smaller box from the larger one, one with gold reinforcements at the corners and jade inlays. It smelled faintly of salt and spices. Setting it on the floor, he pointed his wand at it and opened it. "This one's empty," he said louder.
"Toss it," ordered Sirius from an opposite corner. There was silence for a moment, and then an, "Oh wow. Remus, look at this." Sirius turned around. He had a huge grin on his face and an old school scarf with a Gryffindor patch near the fringe. "I bet I still look good in it." He wrapped it around his neck and sat down next to Remus. "Kinda smells like an attic, though. I can't believe it's still here. They must never have seen it."
Remus reached out and ran his fingers along the finished edge of the wool. It was soft from years of wear. "You do still look good in it."
"I know. That's because I'm generally a good-looking bloke."
"There is that," Remus mused. He was happy to hear Sirius making jokes, small as they were.
"And there's also this." Removing the scarf, Sirius took a length between his hands and looped it behind Remus's neck. "Looks almost as good on you as it did on me." He held the ends tight and pulled Remus closer.
"I have one of my own, you know. Somewhere."
"I know. But this one…"
"Mmm. I know."
Despite Sirius's complaint about the smell of the attic, Remus inhaled and the scent of smoke and soap was as close and familiar now as it had been years ago. "You hid the cigarettes in the false bottom of your trunk," he said to the red and yellow yarn.
"James was always up my arse to quit. Not that that ever stopped him from stealing them from me."
"I rather liked that you didn't quit." Remus wound the fringe around his fingers. "I always knew where you'd been by the way you smelled. Soap and cigarettes. And some of whatever you were secretly mixing up in the Potions lab."
"Little concoction involving pine needles and a few secret ingredients. Guaranteed to make a werewolf want to be near you. Dunno if it ever worked, though."
The scarf still draped over his shoulders, Remus reached for the collar of Sirius's robes. "It worked," he said as he drew Sirius's mouth to his.
It worked almost too well, in fact. With his eyes closed and his hands grasping Sirius's robes, Remus could imagine himself back at school. They hadn't gone that far those days, just some kissing and minor disrobing. Too much fear of getting caught by James or Peter or worse. Too much fear of what they didn't know about themselves. By the time they left school and Remus could spend all his spare time at Sirius's flat there was a war on, and their private encounters in those years were more about speed and quick satisfaction than exploration. But now they had days they didn't know what to do with, days of encouraging silence.
"It's been too long," murmured Sirius, his lips brushing Remus's.
"I'm not so sure. I think there are days when it hasn't been long enough."
Sirius laughed. "Fine. All right. I'll show you 'not long enough.'" With the scarf still in both hands, he brought it tightly around Remus's waist, pinning his arms to his sides. Deftly, he tied the front into a knot. "This not long enough?" he asked, shoving Remus backward. Unable to balance himself, Remus fell onto his back, on top of a lumpy pile of old clothes. Sirius knelt between his legs, looking down at him. The knot wasn't so tight that Remus couldn't free himself if he wanted, but he knew better than to attempt. Not that he wanted to attempt, of course, not when something akin to this had always been one of his many fantasies involving Sirius.
For a moment, Sirius did nothing. He sat on his knees looking down at Remus. "Some things get better with age," he said, pushing Remus's robes aside and unbuttoning his trousers.
"Are you sure you—"
"Don't make me stuff the end of the scarf in your mouth, Moony. I'm sure. I've been sure since..." He paused, his hands resting idly at Remus's waistband. "Since a long time ago."
"We have lots of time now."
"I know. Have some faith in me."
Sirius knew Remus had always seen him as the impetuous one, the one with zero sense of forethought, but there had been way too many times in the past where they'd had to abandon their want to take things slowly in favor of meetings or battles or just pure survival. He wanted nothing more than to rip Remus's clothes from his body, toss them aside, and let Remus surround him, but he couldn't. He owed Remus time. Twelve years, to be precise.
Fold by fold, Sirius slid Remus's trousers down and slid them off, taking in the pale skin, the scars, the jut of his hipbones and knees. Button by button, he opened Remus's shirt, admiring the shine of the coarse brown hair on his chest in the shaft of sunlight streaming through the high attic window. Inch by inch, he lowered his head and took Remus's cock into his mouth, sighing at the taste of Remus's skin, of the sensation of finally being as close as he wanted to be to Remus after all these years. Month by month, Sirius had forgotten how much he'd wanted Remus, how little time they'd really had, and he'd be damned if such a separation ever happened again.
"How far do you want me to go?" Sirius whispered, looking up at Remus.
"I don't know. Just…don't stop."
"Remus! I didn't think you were the type to beg," Sirius teased.
"Shut it, Padfoot, and go back to what you were doing."
Sirius would have been content to do this all day, moving his tongue over and around Remus's cock, taking the time to please him as he couldn't have done twelve, thirteen, fourteen years ago. And it wasn't just the way Remus moved his hips or the way he clenched his fist as Sirius moved faster. It was that now there were no lies, no rushing into battle, no sense that the world could end any minute.
Remus pulled away, gasping for a moment.
"What's wrong?" Sirius asked.
"I... It'll happen too quickly if I don't stop myself."
"Except that you're forgetting..."
"That if you come to the end quickly, we have time to start over."
Sirius wouldn't let Remus respond to this, dipping his head back down and taking Remus in as far as he could. He pressed with his tongue against the length of Remus's cock, tickling the spot just under the head that always made Remus squirm. That much, Sirius had remembered. He felt Remus moving beneath his bonds, struggling but not enough to break free of the scarf. And although Remus occasionally thrust too deep, Sirius let him do so without protest. Sirius couldn't get enough of the fact that he and only he was privy to Remus's losing control like this. And when Remus did lose control and came, spurting, breathing hard and sweat forming on his stomach, Sirius held him by the hips and took in all that he could see and feel.
Maybe they couldn't hold on to who they were forever, as Remus had so plainly stated, but they could hold on to now, forever.