| How did I get here? |
[Nov. 4th, 2009|12:26 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  morose | ] |
The last couple of days, I for the most part haven't been wearing any clothes, and have only eaten a couple of cookies, french fries, and some ramen. I'm either smoking or being paid 3 dollars a minute to masturbate. For the few moments that I return to reality, I am surrounded by men screaming about business, which I am not to be apart of, because I'm a lady. Right now, I have no money, no cigarettes, and no way to get to class. I'm sitting on a stained mattress without any sheets talking online to some guy in Australia who fantasizes about me and probably some other camwhores when he jerks off. My room is a mess.
And people ask me, "What's wrong?"
And I don't answer.
"Are you sad? Are you worried? Are you upset? Are you anxious? Are you depressed?"
All of the above, but I don't answer.
"Are you happy?"
"No."
I'm supposed to go to a reading today for a pilot for a TV show. I'm supposed to play Lady Gray. I'm supposed to have an English accent, which I can never do. I'm supposed to be excited for this, because we're meeting in a pizza place. But I'm not.
I just got an e-mail from my mom complaining that she just paid my old psychiatrist $250 that my dad's insurance never covered for. She told me to go see the psychiatrist at my school, because it would be cheaper. Did she forget that the psychiatrist at my school wants me to be on lithium? And how am I supposed to pay for my meds when I don't have any money? Through camwhoring?
Camwhoring to pay for antipsychotics... hmmm. Interesting idea.
Tomorrow I'm meeting a man that I've been talking on the internet for like 5 months for the first time. I expect it to be awkward, and most likely unpleasant. I only talk to him online when I'm really bored. Maybe he's different in person, because online he has this weird notion that I am completely interested in everything that he has to say, so he rambles.
At least I know (when I'm sober) that people usually don't care what I have to say. So I ramble here, where I'm not expecting anyone to reply or even read this.
I'm just documenting the roller coaster of my fucked up head.
-sigh- |
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| My username. |
[Nov. 3rd, 2009|09:02 pm] |
MLP4EVA...
First off, my name is not Eva. I had enough people calling me that on okcupid (and I just deleted my account today after finding out that my boyfriend's ex girlfriend found me and wants to rape me).
MLP4EVA basically means My Little Pony Forever. Because I collect My Little Ponies... because they're fuckin awesome.
First of all, they're ponies. I used to horseback ride so I like ponies. Second of all, they all have tramp stamps and makeup. It's a lovely message to send to children. Third of all, a lot of them are unicorns, and that's my favorite animal for a really long reason that I don't feel like writing about now. And fourth of all,
this is the best part,
a lot of them are SPARKLY.
And sparkle's my favorite color.
Kai (my boyfriend) is in bed right now and whining that I'm not with him...even though he ignored me for most of the day playing dungeons and dragons online... but I guess I also ignored him a little, too because I rediscovered my favorite show: Planet Unicorn.
Which has horrible stereotypes against gay men, but it's a great fucking show.
So I guess I'm going to appease him.
Goodnight.
PS
Can you tell that I haven't been taking my meds? |
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bitchy