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Re: phoebe and coop's middle daughter app cupid_pj 2008-10-28 12:00 am UTC (link)

Hate to do this but I have to say no. Please give the rest of my comment a read before you get upset or think I'm trying to say you suck or something, which isn't the case. I'm looking at this from a writer AND modly POV. Okay, there's quite a few things wrong with the application. 1 - Number 12. That question is specifcally in the application for one sole reason: to make sure applicants read the rules (instead of just skimming over them). The answer IS in there. Because you didn't put the proper answer, it leads me to believe that you did not read the rules. I know it's easy to let little things like that slip through the cracks, but it's necessary to pay attention to. We mods need to know that you've read through the information needed. Number 12 is how we tell for sure if you've done so. 2 - First, this middle daughter would not have been born in 1999. That's WAY off. Which is also something else that leads me to believe that you did not look through the necessary information. This is a future role-playing game. If Ally was born in 1999, then she would be significantly older than Wyatt. And it disturbs Charmed Canon. I don't say this to be cruel, but did you even look at Phoebe's other daughters? Do that, and you'll see why I point that out. prophet_parker cupid_pj Parker was born in 2005. Pj was born in 2008. See what I'm getting at? Second, (and this point, I know very well could just have been a misunderstanding) the middle sister is not in the 11th grade anymore. She just graduated from it and will be beginning her final year. So she's a senior. Third, just because empathy is the only required power for her, that doesn't mean that has to be her only power. Granted, if you only wanted her to have just that one ability, then that's completely okay. But you can take liberties and give her a little more instead of just settling for that one thing. Also, Ally wouldn't just be a human/witch. That goes one in the same. ALL (based on Charmed canon) witches are still just human. Ally would be witch/cupid. That doesn't mean she HAS to inherit cupid powers, but she would inertly still have those cupid genes. 3 - Ally herself. Now, I am not one to tell anyone how to play a character because I see that as obvious god-modding. And that's not cool. But she seems very one dimensional. What are her flaws? Her quirks? What makes Ally unique and interesting as a person? Think about that. Does she jump off the page to you? Don't get me wrong, there were a few things about her that I did like, for example, the fact that she's into making music (much to her sisters' chagrin). 4 - The biggest issue of all. Your examples. Just to be sure, I pulled out my 'Twilight' book because at first, it looked very much like you just copy and pasted your second example straight from the text. After checking, I see that you didn't actually do that. But all you did was take it from another POV. Where's the originality? Where are YOUR own words? It seems like all you did was take Stephenie Meyer's words and rephrase them. The first person example was clearly not done the same way, so that one was all right. But the second? That one is a big problem. Now that all of that is out of the way, please don't be upset. Just because it's a 'no' this time does not mean that it will always be the same. Even the best of us have to reedit and try again. Hell, I had to redo one character (for another game) three times before I got her just right to be accepted. What I'm trying to say is, try again. I'd really like to see what you can really do with your talent. We'll keep the middle daughter and Kristen Stewart for the duration of the time left on your hold, that is, if you'd like to give it another shot. And you may have 48 hour extension if you feel you need the extra time to revise and work on her. BUT, if someone else wants to apply for her within that time period, we mods will wait and judge between the two applications. I would hate for you to be discouraged and turn from the game. You know what they say, "If at first you fail, try try again." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: phoebe and coop's middle daughter app allyischarmed 2008-10-28 10:22 pm UTC (link)

trust me, no harm done. after all, what kind of a writer would i be if i didn't take any criticism? would you like me to resubmit the application or just post the corrections? and also, the third person sample was from an actual RP thread, some of it was mine while others were from other writers. in order to give you a good grip on how i actually write in third person i would have to write something on the spot, most of my writings are first person lol. thank you for your consideration and i will try to resubmit by tomorrow. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: phoebe and coop's middle daughter app cupid_pj 2008-10-28 11:11 pm UTC (link)

Oh that's good. I hate having to be the one to say 'no' to people when they put the effort into applying. Personally, Ally needs some work. Like I mentioned above, try to make her a little less one-dimensional. And you should make sure you go over the rules and premise once more. Granted, sometimes it takes a little while to really get into the headspace of a new character, so here's a few tips I go with when my muse kicks into gear for a new pup. - Music. Music is a great way to get in a character's headspace. All of my characters (here and in other games I play in) all have their own playlist. Songs that, with both lyrics and tone of sound, fit my pups like a glove. Example? ginevra_warren. She's my resident baddie here. Well, kind of. Her story is a long one haha! Since she's been around since the inception of the game, which is about two years now. Two of her big songs are 'My Skin' by Natalie Merchant and 'One of Us' by the Lion King soundtrack. 'Numb' by Linkin Park is another good one I use for her. Ariel orangepunchbug fits well with quirky stuff, like 'Maps' by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and 'I Promise You' by Judith Owens. Wyatt twiceblessed__ to me is 'The Sound of Silence' by Simon and Garfunkel. - Pictures! Get a good still, screencap, or publicity shot (one that you would consider for her profile info) and keep it pulled up in the background. When you can visually see the face of the pup you're creating, it helps to identify her in your mind. - Flaws and quirks. Those are the things that are essential to giving a character personality. Start with something as small as nail biting or a certain word she's likely to use. Consider just why or how these quirks came to be a part of her. What causes them? Maybe she has a temper that's stirred by repetitive noises or perhaps she's got an irrational fear of mustard. Little things make all the difference. Characters (as well with actual people) are defined by their flaws and merits, not despite them. Because of them. - Powers. (For magical games anyway) What kind of powers would suit her personality? For example, Ariel is an air elemental (not quite there or realizes it yet, but she will). So her personality is associated with that. She's flighty and a little obvious at times. Parker is a strong empath, so she's very understanding, while at the same time, is easily infuriated. Not because she channels what everyone else feels, but because the years of her empathy have shown her her own wide range of tolerance and emotions. Just so you know, we mods do not look for mile long applications or intensely superb writing geniuses. A short app can very well be just as informative and thorough as one that's 6 pages long. What we look for is a well grasp on the information presented, a thought out character, and decent writing examples. This Charmed game was created so anyone who wanted to play Charmed could, as long as their app contained what was mentioned in the previous sentence. Like I said before, I found no problem with your first person example. Your grammar and spelling is just fine. And also like I pointed out before, I do like the idea of Ally being into music. I think even with that single detail, she'd fit in nicely at P3 with Wyatt. Maybe even work there with him since he runs it. I do have to warn you though, if you miss the Number 12 again when you resubmit your application, it will be rejected. The answer is in the information provided, and that's how we know you've got through it. Better luck on the second try! I'll be looking forward to the new application! (Reply to this) (Parent)

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