cc_dennis (cc_dennis) wrote in charing_cross, @ 2009-03-14 05:38:00 |
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Entry tags: | ! complete, ! private, * 2003: 03/march, - introspective, character: dennis creevey |
RP: I don't know why I go to extremes
Date: 13 March 2003 (backdated, early hours of the morning)
Characters: Dennis Creevey
Location: His flat, Shady Lane
Private/Public: Private
Warnings: R
Summary: Dennis tries to figure out what he has done, and why
The porcelain felt cool against his head. Listening to Nicholas whimper, he realized it was true, dogs were empathetic to humans. Pulling Nicholas into his lap, he shivered but made no move to summon a blanket or covering of any kind.
4 years of therapy down the drain, he thought. Well, no. That wasn't quite true. He didn't want to kill himself or anyone else. Move to another continent, get a time-turned and fix things, yes, but not the other. And that was ridiculous too, because if he were to change things, it'd something more important than having sex with a complete stranger.
And that was what he'd done. Slut, a voice in his head called him.
He couldn't deny it. He'd had sex with a stranger, not intercourse, but he had given oral sex to another person; one he'd just met Even Ali had to admit that was being a slut. The only difference between him and a whore, Dennis thought, was that a whore got paid for it.
Flirting was one thing, but that was another entirely.
So why? Why had he thrown away his life?
He'd thrown himself at Lee but that had been a good choice. Lee was a decent person, not that Roger might not be. But Dennis hadn't taken the time to find out. Yes, he'd made out with Lee at the party, but they'd at least talked before hand. Roger and he hadn't done much of that.
And he'd had sex with both of them, but Lee was the one he had wanted forever, the one he wanted to be with and wake up the next morning with. Not Roger, that had become clear in the aftermath..
"Dennis, I'd rather like to finish so blow me, or ask to be fucked." His stomach, though devoid of contents, churned at the memory.
But he'd asked for, hadn't he. He'd gone along, given himself, responded to Roger taking charge up to that point. Had begged for it really, even called him 'sir'.
None of this was Roger's fault, it might have played out differently if he hadn't been so greedy, needy.
Needy, that was the word. He'd needed. But what? Sex? It wasn't like he hadn't gotten that from Lee. And Lee had been spectactular. So what made him do what he'd done? Casting his mind back just a few hours and focusing on what he'd felt, he thought he had the answer, and it wasn't pretty.
He'd needed not to be the strong one, to not to have to ask. He'd needed to feel taken care of, at least in the most basic and primative way. But that wasn't a need, not really. It was a want.
A need was something you couldn't live without and Dennis wasn't sure he could live with what he'd done.
Merlin! What was wrong with him?
He'd been a healthy young man when he'd come back to Britain; Mentally, emotionally and physically. Now he felt sick physically, mentally wiped out, and emotionally a wreck.
Just because of sex.
And he'd felt good on all those fronts before when he'd been with Lee, so what was the difference?
Well with Roger, he thought again, they hadn't made an effort to know one another. Dennis was determined to figure out why, but he'd shelve that for the moment. And focus on the sex itself. He'd been enjoying himself up to near the end, hadn't he? Well yes and no, he'd reveled in feeling, in being taken care of, in knowing he was wanted and not having to ask or make the first move.
Because, Roger hadn't flirted back. If he had, what would Dennis have done, he asked himself.
No answer to that.
But Roger had physically taken charge, initiating everything from kissing to what had followed. So was that it, then? Dennis thought he was on track now. Was he so insecure with Lee that he'd needed proof someone wanted him, would make the first move.
Possibly, he decided. He had thrown himself at Lee, and pretty much told him what he wanted. He'd asked for kisses and everything else. Yes, Lee had wanted to give that too him, but he was beginning to realize a part of him wondered if Lee would have been interested or gone with him if he had let him make all the first moves.
And there he was, he had part of the answer now.
But he wasn't pleased with it.
Dennis didn't like himself much at the moment. But he realized he had some choices to make now.
He could just sit there and rot for one.
Or move to another country.
Or he could learn some things from this. Starting with, never again doing something like this. And that might not be a choice, because once he told Lee, and he would, Dennis was certain the man would not want to be friends with him anymore, much less work on their lists.
So, once Lee decided that Dennis might as well not exists, where would he go from there. Well, he knew, no more Roger. The fact that he'd felt dirty had been borne out in what he'd said to Roger: "I'd probably be begging you to shag me senseless next time we met, no strings attached as it were." Wasn't that what he thought he deserved? To be treated like a complete slag?
Yes, pretty much, Dennis had to acknowledge. And that was due to realizing with the comment of "so blow me, or ask to be fucked", he'd realized he'd been with the wrong person, for the wrong reasons. It was fine to want someone to take charge, to be in control, to want you and show it without prompting. All of that could be good, but not if they didn't truly care for you.
He could have had that with Lee possibly, eventually.
Not anymore.
He'd shot that all to hell. And it didn't matter that Lee hadn't wanted to be 'exclusive' or monogamous at this time. That didn't change that Dennis had given oral sex to someone else else. Nor was Lee to blame for Dennis' insecurities.
And that was the reason for Roger. He was pretty certain of it. For all his talk about understanding what Lee needed at the time, freedom and such, and even though he'd been told there was a possiblity of a future for them, he'd been shaken. He'd needed to know for sure he was wanted, could be wanted. And he felt as if he might be sick again at that realization.
He was better than that, or should be. It was like he was back at school with no friends other than Colin, just wanting to be accepted. But this acceptance was at a price he didn't want to pay. Not ever again.
Not Roger's fault, though. It was purely his own, Dennis had to admit. If he'd slowed things down, they might have stopped; would have stopped if he'd been more self aware at the time. But it was too late now, even if Roger hadn't seem affected one way or the other. It was too late for him and Lee too, Dennis was certain. If he'd been more self aware, he could have told Lee what he wanted, still letting the man have his freedom but with Dennis letting him know he wanted to be pursued, to have Lee make the first moves physically and without much further prompting from him. But that wasn't going to happen. Lee would hate him. Well not hate, Dennis didn't think, but he'd still walk away disgusted and disappointed, and Dennis couldn't blame him.
So, he'd tell Lee and then move on. Learn from it. No more throwing himself into things, no more. It was good to be open and friendly and caring, and trusting. He wouldn't change that. But no more extremes, no more moving so fast even if he knew and liked the person. Slow could be good, sweet even, he thought.
Next time, maybe in a few years or more, when he met another guy who came close to being as good a person as Lee, he'd try again. But go slower, make sure the guy wanted him and then tell him what he needed; which was to know he was wanted and to be pursued...as much of a girl as that might make him.
But for the moment, Dennis decided, he was going to stay on the floor of his bathroom and enjoy the Hell out of feeling like shite.