[maria ross/gracia hughes; r] Moving On Title: Moving On Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist Pairing: Gracia Hughes x Maria Ross, with Maes Hughes x Gracia Hughes history, of course. Rating: R Wordcount: 4453 Theme: "Understanding, it's misunderstood" written for IDAHO (International Day Against Homophobia) fandom challenge 2007. (celebrate_idaho) Warning: End of series, maybe? Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist (Hagane no Renkinjutsushi) is copyrighted by Hiromu Arakawa/Studio BONES/Square Enix. This is a work of fanfiction for personal entertainment only. Gracia's mother is partially inspired by Carnivale's Rita Sue, only far less slutty and far more proper. Author's Notes: I've been wanting to write this pairing for a while. I apologize if it happens to come across as a little stilted in parts, I was having some initial trouble with figuring out how to handle the challenge theme with what I wanted to write, and vice versa. Teaser:She still missed him -- that would never truly go away. Part of her heart was buried with him, and would remain there. But little by little, the empty hole left behind stopped hurting. The loneliness faded. The sun came back. Chanson du Jour:Janis Ian : Have Mercy Love (6.81MB; mp3) Original LJ Post Date: May 17, 2007 @ Chaotic_Library
Moving On
Do you always trust your first initial feeling? Special knowledge holds truth bears believing. I turned around, And the water was closing all around Like a glove, Like the love that had finally, finally found me. - Stevie Nicks
Errand day dawned with a gray overcast that kept the warmth of the sun from reaching the ground, and by afternoon, the grayness had saturated everything with a drizzle that chilled the bones. It shouldn't have taken four hours, but one thing after another kept delaying her at all her stops and in between, not the least of which was the very tired and very cranky four year old stomping sullenly behind. Of all the days for Elysia's babysitter to call in sick, but it couldn't be helped.
"Elysia, come along," Gracia said and adjusted her grip on her bags to hold her hand out for her daughter. She tried to keep her fatigued impatience out of her tone but doubted she was very successful at it.
Her daughter responded with a whine and a stomp of foot. The moody temper had been with her ever since she woke up from her nap after lunch. "I wanna go hooooome!"
"I know, sweetie, I know, but Mommy has to finish getting groceries and then we'll go home afterwards, I promise."
"No, wanna go home now!" The whine was building up to a full-fledged tantrum, and Gracia felt her face grow hot as she became aware of people looking their way.
"Elysia, stop that right now!" she scolded. "We will go home after this, but Mommy needs to buy food so we can eat. You want to have supper, don't you?" Even as the words left her mouth, Gracia knew her mistake. Never try to argue logic with a cranky preschooler.
"Don't care, wanna go hoooome! Now!"
"Elysia, stop it!" She was on the verge of losing her temper, of abandoning her shopping, and going home. But even that wouldn't offer any relief, because she still had a daughter to care for, and supper needed to be cooked.
She looked skyward at her daughter's shrill whines, and viciously tried to shove away the all too familiar sensation of salty tears burning her eyes, tried to ignore the aching, raw lump in her chest that never went away. Why did you have to die? I need you, I can't do this, I can't, not alone, not without you.
Gracia wanted the luxury of being allowed to crawl into bed, cry herself to sleep, and not move for a week. Luxuries like that were not allowed to parents.
"Hey there, kiddo, what's the matter?" a feminine voice said. The gentle and firm tone rose above Elysia's wails, and Gracia looked down in surprise at the dark-haired uniformed woman kneeling in front of Elysia.
"I wanna go home." Her voice was still shrill, still a nerve-wracking whine, but the tears were subsiding as Elysia rubbed her eyes.
"I bet you do, it's not a fun day to be outside. It's one of those days were it's more fun to stay inside by the fireplace with a mug of hot cocoa with marshmallows, and a coloring book and crayons. Do you like to color?"
Sniffling, Elysia nodded.
"So do I. What's your favorite color?"
"I like blue. Blue was daddy's clothes, like yours. But you're a grow'up. You don't color."
"Sure I do! I still like to do fun things like color even though I'm a grown-up. I like blue too, but green is my favorite. It's the color of leaves and grass and springtime."
"Daddy colored too."
Gracia choked on a breath and her vision blurred over. I will not cry.
"I know. Your daddy was a special man. What was his favorite color? Do you remember?"
"He liked pink 'cause of Mommy an' me."
The woman looked up, dark eyes and dark hair, and smiled as she stood. Gracia had seen her before, but couldn't quite recall her name before she introduced herself.
"Second Lieutenant Maria Ross," she said, extending her hand. "I apologize if I've intruded, but you looked like you could use a hand. I knew your husband. I'm sorry for your loss."
Wordlessly, Gracia shook the proffered hand, and nodded in response, not trusting her own voice.
Lieutenant Ross studied her for a moment, then crouched back down in front of Elysia. "You can call me Maria. You know, I haven't had a chance to talk to anyone in a long time about how much fun it is to color. Would you tell me what sort of pictures you like to draw, and while we do that, we can help your mommy finish her shopping so you can go home. Would you that for me?"
"I like to draw pictures of Daddy. He always had pictures and he likes my pictures, and I'll show them to him when he comes home."
Maria cast a quick sidelong glance up at Gracia, who closed her eyes after a moment. I can't deal with this, not today, not right now.
"When your daddy comes home?"
"Yeah, they put him in the ground but Daddy has lots of important work to do, so he's busy doing that and he'll be home when he's done."
"Do you like hot cocoa?" Maria asked, the topic switch smooth and immediate. "I do. It's good on days like this."
"I like hot choc-late."
"That's the same thing. Do you put gooey marshmallows in it?"
"Nuh-uh. But I like to dunk my cookies in it. It's hot choc-late milk."
"Mmm. Cookies. You know, I've never tried that one." Maria held her hand out. "Why don't you walk with me and we'll follow your mommy? What kind of cookies are best for hot chocolate dunking?"
"Not the sugar cookies 'cause they get all crumbly and gloopy and make it all yucky." Elysia's tantrum was forgotten as she lectured the lieutenant with a tone of important wisdom.
Gracia mouthed a silent thanks to the other woman, and her hands shook from relief and emotional fatigue. The lieutenant kept Elysia occupied through the remainder of the shopping and even through the check-out, and helped load the bags into the car.
She stood in the gray drizzle, looking awkward and hesitant, and her words tumbled out in a rush. "If I'm being too presumptuous, please give the word, but you look like you could use a hand. I don't have plans this evening, if you want some help with the groceries and supper and maybe a bit of time to yourself. I know we just met, well, officially anyhow, because I've heard a great deal about you from the Brigadier General, but I admired him greatly, and I'd like to help, if it would be welcome."
Gracia sagged against the car and pressed her hand to her nose as it crinkled up at the stinging sensation building again. The prospect of company of another adult, of help around the house even if just for the evening, of a chance to step away and just breathe and maybe take a bath without having to keep alert to Elysia waking up, to have someone there in the still and silent hours of the evening to talk with, company over tea, keeping the silence from being the lonely kind... it was like an answer to a prayer.
Maybe it was.
Was this your doing, Maes darling? she wondered as she nodded before managing to crack out a 'yes' in a thick and broken voice.
Help me stand alone, love, My God, it's lonely here. I cannot feel, my heart is gone, I'm all alone, I touch no one. Help me, love, I'm fading. - Janis Ian
Every story has a beginning, a moment where everything changes, where the charted course of a life veers toward a new horizon.
Looking back over the last two years, Gracia decided that day at the market was hers. In that time, Maria Ross had become an indispensable and irreplaceable part of the household. Elysia accepted the woman easily, responding to the maternal instinct coupled with the same childlike charm that reminded Gracia so much of Maes.
She still missed him -- that would never truly go away. Part of her heart was buried with him, and would remain there. But little by little, the empty hole left behind stopped hurting. The loneliness faded. The sun came back.
It was laughter, quick and spontaneous, that had been missing. It left with him, and returned with her. It was warmth and life and growth. It was all that and more, and the first touch of their lips, tentative and inquisitive and thoroughly electric, borne out of a calming hug in the kitchen by the unwashed supper dishes, felt like the most natural thing.
It felt like kissing Maes in its own way. The warmth was there, the love and life and laughter, the feeling of being home. It was the same kind of love. The lips and face and person behind them were all different, and she wasn't his replacement.
She was his choice, Gracia felt. If there was a life after death, she had no doubt that Maes was still watching over them as much as he could. Maria Ross had been under Major Armstrong's command, and had been given the very important task of protecting the Elric brothers once upon a time, before Maes's death.
She was maternal, good with kids, and a strong, capable person who made Gracia feel safe again. And for the first time since that too-dark night when there was a knock at her front door and a man in uniform who wasn't Maes standing there, her world had stopped feeling off-center. She didn't need a significant other to feel complete, but his murder had left a sharp and unexpected gapping wound that had faded into an empty sense of loneliness, that there was very little right and good in the world anymore. What kind of a world was it after all, when a man who'd adored his family as much as he did wasn't there to help her raise their daughter, to teach her how to ride a bike, to capture every moment on film, to threaten the young suiters who would eventually come calling, and walk her down the aisle someday dressed in white?
Maria wasn't Maes. But she fit in with the broken remains of the family with a smooth transition, merging and blending and becoming right. And somewhere along the way, she had fallen head over heels for yet another soldier, despite all her vows not to.
But like Maes, Maria was worth it.
Surely Maes would have somehow known how safe Maria could make things for them, how she'd be able to mend the damage left behind, and Gracia entertained the idea that he'd heard her that day, that he had worked to bring Maria into her life.
He was just that kind of man, after all, and if there was a way to take care of his family from beyond the grave, he would be the kind of man to find it.
And, after all, he'd known.
It was real, it was magic, It was calm, it was savage, It was cool as a breeze, it was warm to the touch, It was never enough, it was always too much. It did all the things love does, That's how I knew it was. - Chely Wright
"You're very lucky, darling."
"I'm well aware of this, my soon-to-be wife." He kissed the inside of her wrist and her nerves crackled at the rough prickle of whiskers.
The wedding was in two days. Amid the feverish insanity of last-minute plans, he'd blown in like a summer storm and carried her away before she'd even realized they were leaving. She'd been stashed away in the car and it was quiet outside of Central, on a rise that overlooked the city, with every star brilliant and close enough to touch hanging overhead. A breath of tranquility away from the nerve-wracking arguments with her mother.
In two days time, she would be leaving that behind forever, and only dealing with her parents when she felt like it instead of being subject to their rules.
That was one reason out of many that she'd fallen for him -- he was so different from anything she'd known. But more than that, he made her laugh -- long and hard and genuine, until breathless tears were on her cheeks. He kept her sane, when her mother's overbearing demeanor was enough to make her scream. And he didn't cave in to them. He was strong, capable, and underneath that happy-go-lucky smile was a very protective streak. He made her world safe.
"No, I mean it." She smiled at him, but she couldn't feel it. Would he call it off? She didn't think so, in fact, she was mostly certain he wouldn't. But even so, she owed it to him to tell him, and before the wedding.
"What has you troubled, my darling enchantress?" His lips on the palm of her hand made her nerves grow white-hot and melt low in her stomach.
"I think you just might be the only man who capable of making me fall in love and want to get married."
"I should hope so, otherwise I might need to ask who the other chaps are and go have a little talk with them." He grinned and pushed his glasses up his nose.
"They wouldn't be chaps."
Silence. A confused look followed by slowly dawning comprehension. "You mean..."
"I think so anyway. I know I fancied myself with a crush on my best friend, until she pulled me into that blind double date with you. I'd yet to meet a man who could hold my attention."
A broad grin made the corners of his eyes crinkle. When old age began to catch up with him, it would be the laugh lines that would define his face, she knew. "I always knew we were a special team, but I didn't know how right I was."
She laughed as he pulled her into his arms.
"So your past boyfriends had all been girlfriends?"
"Not quite. I never felt strongly enough about anyone to risk incurring a lecture from my mother, and possibly her wrath. Not until you came along, anyway."
"I'm ruggedly handsome, Roy's the pretty one," Maes retorted, drawing forth another laugh.
"Yes, but Mother doesn't like you."
"It's all good, the feeling's mutual." His tone was cheerful, even chipper, and she grinned.
"Incorrigible darling."
"Me? I'm a paragon of virtue. Roy's always been the troublemaker."
"And you follow him."
"To the grave. That man's the brother I've never had."
"He's very lucky to have someone like you at his side. As am I."
"Give it two more nights, and you'll find out just how lucky you are."
"If you want to wait two more nights, you'd better get me home now., or there won't be a point to a wedding."
"Sure there will be. I need a wedding to have a garter for Roy to catch. There's a blonde lady I think I'll point out to you to throw the bouquet to."
"You're using our wedding to play matchmaker on your best friend?"
"You haven't seen the guy, Gracia. He needs a lovely lady to come home to and make this messed up world all right again the way you do for me."
"Funny you say that. Here I was thinking that it was you who made my world safe."
"I'll do anything in my power to make sure that it stays that way."
And now I'm glad I didn't know The way it all would end, The way it all would go. Our lives are better left to chance. - Garth Brooks
"What are you thinking?"
Her voice was a whisper in the dark, and Gracia nuzzled her shoulder as she turned her head, looking up into dark eyes in the moonlight.
"I was just thanking Maes for leading you to me. Before you showed up that day, I'd been telling him that I couldn't do it, not alone, that it was killing me little by little. And I opened my eyes and there you were, bringing in calm from the storm, just like he could."
Maria kissed her, warm and tender, and brushed Gracia's hair from her eyes. "I did that, huh? Good. You looked like you needed a friend."
"I found one. That and more."
"So did I."
Silence crept back in as they listened to the light sounds of each other's breathing, and the low, steady thump of heartbeats slightly out of sync.
"Are you worried about tomorrow?"
"A little bit."
"We don't have to tell them. I'm okay with pretending we're just good friends for the sake of family harmony," Maria told her.
"I'm not. I'm not going to teach my daughter that this is something to be ashamed of. Because I'm not ashamed. Of you or of us. I'm happy again. And if they can't deal with it, well, that's their problem."
"I don't want to rock any boats of family harmony..."
That made Gracia laugh, a low, dry chuckle, and she looked at Maria. "Mother didn't like Maes either, and the feeling was most assuredly mutual. It didn't stop me from marrying him. She's always been very strict about the world operating within the scope of her opinion how it should, and when I was old enough to do so, I stopped obliging her on that. She's not a bad woman, just... very... hmm."
"Say no more, your expression says it all," Maria told her. "As long as you're sure."
"I am. Let's get some sleep; we're going to need it to deal with her."
My love and I ask little of the world; The right to sigh together in the rain, And walk with heads up in the sun, And share our joy and our pain. - k. d. lang
It was one of those rare pleasant days in the winter when the sun was bright and the sky was clear, and mittens could be discarded as heavy coats were exchanged for lighter jackets. The perfect kind of afternoon for a seven year old's birthday party, with friends gathered in the backyard taking turns on a swingset and skipping ropes.
Gracia sat at the kitchen table, the yellow curtains drawn back from the big window to let her watch the activities outside, where the children were under closer supervision from Maria, a few of the other mothers, and Gracia's father.
In all honesty, she would rather be out there with them, instead of seated in the polished wooden chair in the bright, warm kitchen, her fingers curled around a half-full teacup. She was too acutely aware of the presence next to her, of the well-dressed and polished appearance, of the plump weight carried well with a sense of matriarchal dignity. She was too aware of a topic's sword dangling overhead, waiting to drop at the slightest command.
"She's getting to be such a big girl. I remember when you were that age, she's definitely your daughter."
"I didn't realize there was a question on the matter, Mother." She knew she was being a bit catty, but she recognized the tone in her mother's voice. It was too innocent and too obviously meant to be careless chatter for her, a sure sign of a prelude building up to something big.
"Oh, Gracia, don't be like that." Maybe she was oversensitive and on-guard since her mother had yet to say anything about the obvious relationship she now had with Maria, but the tone struck her as the same one as always -- just like addressing a small, stupid child. "I merely meant that she looks like you, minus the eyes, of course."
"I thought she looks more like Maes, honestly."
Her mother glanced at her before putting a few lumps of sugar in a fresh cup of tea. "It is only natural you might think that, I suppose, but I'm the one who's seen you as a child, I'm a better judge at who your daughter looks like."
Gracia opted against answering, and bit into a slice of fruit as she looked out to her daughter again, where Maria was watching over the group of guests playing tag in the yard.
"It's been three years tomorrow, hasn't it?"
She stiffened, feeling something coming. "Yes, Mother," Gracia said as she reached for the teapot, not looking at the older woman.
"You can't mourn him forever, dear girl. I know you loved him, but you're still young. There's still time to meet someone new and give that darling girl a proper father who will be here."
"I have met someone, Mother."
Her mother made a soft scoffing sound and sat back in her chair, looking away as she brushed a carefully-coiffed curl from her eyes and lit a cigarette. "Your father and I have said nothing as we understand that grief can lead people to do strange things, but your life is not your own anymore. You have a daughter you need to think about, and you cannot afford to waste your youth on selfish indulgences."
There it was. She'd known it would rear its ugly head sooner or later. "How am I being selfish?"
"This unnatural relationship, while all well and good for a brief fling to get that man out of your system, isn't conductive to a healthy environment for your daughter," her mother said. "She is at a very impressionable age, and you're not being responsible, thinking about what sort of things you're teaching her."
Gracia kept her eyes fixed on her teacup as she counted to ten -- or until she felt she could keep her voice level. "What I am teaching her, Mother, is that life doesn't end when someone dies, and that love isn't limited to anything."
"You're teaching her to be one of them. Look, we understand that you were vulnerable, and that that woman took advantage of--"
The handle of the teacup cracked off in her hand as her fingers tightened.
"Oh, now look what you've gone and done," her mother scolded as she stood, fetching a towel from the sink to wipe up the tea. "Really, Gracia. I thought you outgrew tantrums when you were a child. This is really unbecoming behavior for an adult."
Gracia didn't look at her as the broken cup was tossed out and the tea wiped away, and took advantage of the moment to try and regain some control. "'That woman' has a name. First Lieutenant Maria Ross. And no one took advantage of anyone here, and just because I am in love with a woman doesn't mean Elysia will fall in love with one too. If she doesn't, fine. If she does, fine. I don't care, as long as she's happy."
"It is not fine. It is unnatural. A woman should marry a man and have children." Her mother's tone was just as calm as ever, and demeaning in its composure. "That is the way of things."
"I suppose you'd find it unnatural if a man and woman married and made a conscious choice to not have children," Gracia retorted.
"Of course! I understand that some people cannot, and that's fine, but to fly against the very course of nature itself... women are not meant to be with other women. They are not built for that. Men are not meant to be with men. It is supposed to be one man, one woman, and children. Sex is for procreation and the good of the species."
"Mother, I've already had a child--"
"Who you are teaching unnatural things to. Who knows what kind of nonsense that woman is filling her head with about--"
"Mother!" Gracia cut her off, standing. "Now you listen to me. You're my mother, and you're family, and for that reason, I love you. But right now, I do not like you very much at all. I am sorry you feel that way, but I will not allow you into my home only to have you cut down my family. I didn't tolerate it with Maes, and I won't tolerate it with Maria. And if you try to teach my daughter how to be prejudiced and narrow-minded like you, you will not be welcome around her, is that clear?"
The kitchen was silent, save for the slow pling of water dripping from the faucet, the ticking of the clock on the wall, and the muted sounds of children playing outside. Gracia didn't look away, and neither did her mother.
At least, not immediately.
The older woman backed down with a soft noise of disgust, and angrily flicked the remains of her cigarette into the sink before picking up her purse. "Very well. I really must say, Gracia, that I am very disappointed in you. I thought I--"
"Good." With a short, flat syllable, she cut off the building tirade. "Right now, being a disappointment by your standards is making me very happy, because your standards are hypocritical, narrow-minded, and bigoted. I'm truly sorry you feel that way, Mother, but things are not going to change. This is my life now."
She wasn't a woman who appreciated having her influence or will thwarted, and shot Gracia an incensed glare before stalking over to the back door. "Henry!" she shouted. "It's time we are leaving! Come along. Now!"
With one more glare for the road, and not another word, her mother stormed out to the front door and got in the car.
"She's a real good girl, you oughta be proud of her."
Gracia managed a smile and looked over her shoulder at the thin, aging man, his shoulders hunched as his fingers worried the brim of the hat in his hands. "I am, Father."
"Your mama, she means well. I know she don't always show it right, but she does love you and just wants what's best. We both do."
"I know." Gracia sighed. "But it's my life to live now, not hers."
"I know that. Just... she can't help the way she is. Don't judge her too hard. She just wants you happy."
Funny way of showing it, Gracia thought, but bit her tongue before saying anything. Goodbyes and hugs were exchanged, and then she set to work tidying up the kitchen.
Maria didn't say anything as she stood in the doorway, nor did Gracia, not until she heard the sound of the car driving off.
"Well." Gracia was the first to break the silence, and gave Maria a wry smile. "That went better than it could have."
"No lethal weapons being brandished?"
"My mother has threatened people with court orders over various things in the past. They're also rich enough to afford the lawyer fees for it too."
"She didn't...?"
"No, that's what I mean. I told her that I wasn't going to tolerate her disrespect to me and my family, nor was I going to allow her to teach Elysia bigotry. I basically threw her out of the house."
"I'm sorry."
Gracia shook her head and sighed. "Oh, don't be. She's been like this all my life. She likes things done her way or not at all. I'm missing my daughter's birthday. Let's forget about her and get outside where all the fun is."
Maria pulled her into a tight hug and kissed her forehead. "If you're sure. C'mon. The kids are playing dodgeball, and I promised Elysia I'd be on her team."
We're not expecting this to go down easy, We're not expecting any sweet dreams, sure thing. But with a little luck, could be we'll be Winding up the way we planned, Heading for our promised land, Holding one last good hand. - Reba McEntire